Yeah this is a good idea.

SG, Mel is right. You have to expose, he is still carrying on an affair and he is blackmailing you to keep your mouth shut about it by threatening finances.

I cannot say for sure he wont be demoted, but I think the Commander will certainly take into account a devastated betrayed wife keeping the homefront safe so her H can deploy that is about to deliver a baby and is scared out of her wits she is going to be broke.

Too bad he's not in the Navy. I would put him on 3 days bread and water and throw his [censored] in the brig!

SWW

SWW -

I think Navy is completely different from Army. My friend who's been helping me her husband is in Navy and has had completely different experience with command so that's why I was on the fence about going.

Please take care of yourself first and foremost. Baby needs a healthy momma.

SG,

Sorry I forgot about this, but if he is enlisted (which I take it he is cause they dont normally demote officers in rank they just kick em out or throw em in jail) you may want to contact the Senior Enlisted Advisor first, or the Senior Enlisted at the Rear Detachment.

He may get you in to see the Commander easier. He will prob also arrange for your H to get a little, shall we say, "motivational encouragement" to knock it off.

All this really stinks, but, its gotta get done.

Gotta run, hope all turns out good at the DOC's.

SWW

Don't hold up on anything but I am going to ask an Army buddy of mine about this.

SWW

You do know.

This is his second affair. You may want to consider the alternative to recovery.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Listen to these folks advise, what they are telling you may seem counterintuitive, but it gives you the best chance for recovery.

smiley:

This is what you said today:


This is what you said in your first post:


I took that as a threat and financial intimidation. Correct me if I am wrong and need correcting. The bottom line is that you need the financial tree shaken really hard right now given your responsibilities with three kids and another one about to happen.

SWW says go to legal right now, like first thing. If you are still confused about how to get to command, go with SWW suggestions, he is military and knows the ropes.

And by the way, you are doing great!

Larry

Smiley,

I just read most of your old posts, going back to 2007. It appears as though this M has been in trouble for quite some time without intervention to change things. In addition to the A from 2007, did I read correctly that there was another EA somewhere in there?

This is my advice and mine alone:

First, take care of yourself and your baby. You are the mom of three, soon to be four, young children that depend on you.

Next, gather all the evidence of your H's A and see BOTH legal and the Rear D commander. In contrast to others, I am not against speaking to the commander's wife. There could be valuable support from the FRG. Do recognize though, that there may not be the same expectation for confidentiality with the FRG.

Finally, do whatever you can to protect yourself both emotionally and financially. I think this will get uglier.

AM

Contacting any of these folks comes with the possibility of unexpected results; however, I am thinking that contacting the wife is probably not prudent.

In many, if not most FRG's, the commander's wife is the the FRG leader. In addition, in larger units, there is a paid FRG coordinator (it may have a different title). There is an FRG regulation that talks about how to provide support to families of deployed Soldiers.

AM

It is things like this that make me glad that I followed my instincts and separated myself from my biological mother. I had very clear teaching on right and wrong prior to her "changing her mind." And then I only had a couple years exposure to her new thinking, which I completely rejected.

Telling people you don't see your mother is a hard thing to justify (especially back when I was a kid), but it was definitely the right thing to do.

Larry - the money I lose out on was from what my chaplain told me. And from what everyone around me has me told me to be true.

The money is referring to the the loss of rank, and they could dock pay for 2 months by half. So if either of us go to the command that's the results. They do this as punishment, and they say that in Iraq he doesn't really need the money so that's money that I'm losing out on here, money for me and the kids that I could be saving.

Baby is doing well. I was concern she wasn't moving as much last night like she usually is. Talked to dr about depression since I think I am about to go through one, I'm definately a candidate for post partum. Also took those STD tests.

Could not make it to legal today. My friend came to watch the kids for me and she needs to be home by a certain time so I will wait until tomorrow.

smiley:

In my opinion, when you got to Command either directly or through FRG, you need to have a goal, what result you seek.

Now just to clarify: when you spoke with your husband, you talked about the money issues your Chaplain told you about, yes?

If yes, then your husband did or did not use that issue to discourage you from exposure to command? The reason I am asking is to try to get a glimpse of what is in his head.

But of even more importance, I share your worry that if Command punishes him, the net effect will be to punish you in the short term against the possible long term benefits of rebuilding a marriage with your husband. So I tried mentally to think about a strategy that would work to your benefit. And by benefit, I mean for your kids and possibly for your marriage.

I read through MJC on the subject. Command has full authority to do whatever they want to do within the limits of both the Code and the culture. The word "Discretion" is used, or should have been. When you go to Command, either through FRG or directly, it might be a good idea to mention your reality to them.

You don't know the mindset of whichever Command person is going to make the decision of what to do. Command has options. They can sweep it under the rug or punish/influence your husband in some way. And I suggest that you have the potential of influencing Command's decision. Most, but not all, Command types will be influenced by you because that is the route that has the best potential for an outcome that gets rid of the problem.

The first thing Command is going to think when this hits their desk, is "Why me Lord?" They may not even KNOW they are supposed to deal with adultery. The second one is, "What the heck am I going to do?" Then they will try to remember if they have had to deal with this before, or one of their fellow commanders, or if it was covered in a seminar or training course, or whatever. And of course, Command is going to ask themselves, "What does this lady want me to do about this problem I didn't want in the first place?"

The goal of MCJ and military culture is to direct Command to both look at your case, and case it is, and decide what to do, with the goal of protecting the best interest of the military objective. This defines justice a bit differently than what you would find in a civilian court. Command will want to look good and do good from the military point of view.

Your situation is a problem for Command in two ways. First of all, what will the problem and solution do that has an effect on the ability of the individual soldier to fight as he has been trained to fight, and what effect will your situation and solution have on the image of the military (and command) and the influence on the overall morale of units that know about your situation. "Why me Lord, indeed."

The restoration of your marriage is not a consideration. But you know that. Since you are pregnant and because what it takes, if within Command's discretion to grant, are both factors in disposing of the case, you have a great deal of power to influence what Command does. Command wants this case off of their desk right now, if at all possible. From Command's perspective, this is a hair ball they really didn't want to see.

Think about what you want for an outcome. What can Command do to help you get that outcome? You know your husband. What could happen to him that Command could do to give husband a wake up call or otherwise influence him to do the right thing? Is he career military?

Unofficially telling Command that you don't want an outcome (and use that word) that makes it hard on you to feed your kids is probably going to get an answer back that Command has limitations on what they can do. And that would be a true statement. But that still places you in the catbird seat.

You have a great deal of power and influence over what Command will do when this hits their desk. Your are exposing to the military for your own outcome, which is the restoration of your marriage. So what can the military do to help you that they have the power to grant at their discretion.

How about a letter of reprimand?

Larry

How about a letter of reprimand, depositing of funds into an account where only she has access, and mandatory counseling sessions by the unit Chaplain on the sanctity of marriage and the importance of fidelity and family?

Larry I'm going to go through your post thoroughly after this quick update.

Not surprisingly after my facebook messages exposure, my WH called. He had emailed me the day before saying he won't be able to call until payday. Well that's next week. Just like my friend predicted, as soon as he heard that I exposed to her friends he was going to call.

Well the conversation could have been worse. I'm not going to try to replay word for word (I think I should invest in a recorder like was previously suggested) but he basically said he knows I told his parents and sister. He asked who else did I tell because he "knows me" and knows I would do something. I didn't tell him about the FB messages, just that I went to a counselor. So he finally said that he knows I messaged people (which proves he's been in contact with his OW) and that I should be getting messages on my FB. I told him I didn't say anything bad about her just told the truth about her affair.

He asked me if I was going to the command. I told him I would do what I had to do if this relationship doesn't end. I let him know that I do know the consequences financially and how it would ulitimately affect the kids welfare. He told me to "at least give me the common decency to go to command myself and turn myself in instead of getting called out." I didnt give the definate no I won't or yes I will. I brought up the fact that he's willing to let this affect our children financially just so he can continue this affair with the OW?

To answer Larry's question - I think my husband is trying to discourage me from going to command myself. He's saying he is going to do it but who is to say he will? Plus, he will spin it so that they think we both want a divorce. They won't know that I'm trying to save the marriage.

Anyways I gathered from the converstaion we've had, he's not planning to stop the EA right now. I've told him how this relationship affects me and how the kids need a whole Mom right now. Especially with him being gone, I'm the only one they depend on and the welfare of our baby. If I go through a depression now what's going to happen to them you know? Well I don't think I said it this way word for word but that's the gist. I told him about my visit to L&D and that I was asking for help with my depression. Didn't share that they didn't give me anything though. I do have to make an apointment with behavorial health and if he determines I need something now he can prescribe it.

I told him if we are going to end the M then let's do it the right way and not over this OW. He said it's not for her that he was unhappy for awhile blah blah. I told him I don't want you to bring this OW in our children's lives this way because the way they are going to see it that this OW is the one that got in between mommy and daddy. I know they will see it that way and will end up resenting her.

He had a lot of fog talk as far as the A. He said what we talked about before about how unhappy he was in the marriage was still true and that he's not leaving the marriage because of the A. I told him that isn't true because all of the divorce talk started BECAUSE he was seeing her. He showed no remorse, didn't say he was sorry. He did say he didn't mean for me to find out this way, didn't mean to hurt me. More fog talk.

Well he had to get off, he said he was using his friend's phone card. I asked him to please call back so we can finish this converstaion, even if i have to use some funds from the kids savings but he said no and that I can wait 5 days.


Last thing I said to him was I love him and that he's worth the fight.

The OW mom did get my message and messaged me back on FB. She asked for proof and I sent her my copy of my WH facebook page. She was saying she was having a hard time believing that her daughter would do something like this to a marriage that's happy.

She also mentioned HARRASSMENT. Ok did anyone experience harrassment threats from when they exposed via FB messages? She said if I messaged all of her friends and none of his (I messaged one of his but asked for his advice) then they could have grounds for harrassment and to contact a lawyer if I have any questions.

I"m a little concerned about this...should I be? Anyone know? I hestitated sending the evidence (didn't send all of it though) because wouldn't it give her more reason to think harrassment? If anything I should have kept those vile messages to show that I was getting harrassed if anything.

If Command agrees that is withing their discretionary powers to adjudicate, then I would think that would be a very good outcome.

Larry

So...she would do something like this to an UNhappy marriage?

And if the answer to the above question is YES - that would be OK with her?

((facepalm))

SG, don't fret over threats of harrassment charges. NOBODY is going to do anything over you asking for help to save your marriage. OW mom is in complete denial about the moral character of her daughter.

I was thinking the same thing, LOL. You are ok with your DD being a tramp/wh*re, interloper in someone's "unhappy" M? Good job raising your daughter, mom!