Also wanted to add what my counselor found out.

SHe went to Family Advocacy for me and they said since he is officially out of the country they will not charge him UNTIL HE GETS BACK.

They advised me to go to Legal with my evidence anyways. That way if I can see if I do have a solid case and build my case. I think that's what I"m going to do. As well as to see if it's true that command won't charge him until he gets back.

I also asked the advice of one of my WH former boss who is still in the Army. He said unfortunately the Army tends to brush this under the rug as well and look over the shoulder especially if I don't have pictures, video or a confession from one or both. If I don't have good evidence then there is no point to go. He did recommend me to go to JAG.

I think I'm going to visit Family Advocacy myself. I am definately going to JAG (that's the same thing as Legal right? )with all of my evidence. I want to do all of these steps BEFORE going to Command.

If they can assure me that they will show that I tried to press charges now and was told they cant charge him until he gets back (a year from now), as in have it documented then I'll be okay with that. Not okay with the fact that I must wait a year, that this could give the EA more time to flourish, before he gets some pressure to stop but then again what would be the point of waiting....I hope they can document time and time again that I am NOT okay with their relationship.

I know this is going against the typical Exposure protocol. I'm sorry this can't be as swift as it should be.

Harassment: Common talk for those trying to dodge. Your answer is simple.

"I am a mother and wife with three children and will give birth to our fourth child in six weeks. I am trying to save our marriage using exposure methods recommended by professional psychologists (or you can say Dr. Harley, a professional psychologist) who specialize in marriage recovery after adultery."

"An adulterous affair thrives in secrecy. I am attempting to remove the secrecy so my husband will wake up and come home to his wife and there, almost four children. I can only ask you to consider that three kids and one more on the way says all it needs to say about the prior state of our marriage, no matter how either your daughter or my husband will try to spin the past so they will not feel so guilty and ashamed."

"Does your daughter intend to stay with the husband she betrayed?"

Words are very powerful tools to change minds.

Do please see what I wrote about Command thinking and how words can influence them.

Larry

smiley


You are doing just fine. Exposure is a tool to stop the affair. And you are certainly doing the best you can. I like the fact that you now have the OW mother in your sights. I suggested some possible word tracks you can use to influence her.

The more you know, the more you can act on what you know rather than what you guess or want to be true. Your digging and digging and digging to find the truth is impressive.

Larry

In reponse to what the OW Mom said -

In addition to my evidence (I just sent her my WH facebook pages that I had printed off. I scanned and put into a photobucket account since for some reason I couldn't get my FB to load pictures from that account) I told her this

"I'm not doing this to be vindictive. I'm doing this to expose the truth about their relationship that it is an affair. No marriage is perfect, mine included but an affair can destroy a marriage no matter how good. "

(I should have put happy instead of good, makes more sense but it was late when I was writing it).

Along with my evidence I included a photo of me and my family, to verify that he is the same person in the facebook page.

I do plan on changing the password in 24 hours so that they had the time to look and that's it.

Terrific smiley. You got the point across.

Oh to be a fly on the wall listening to OW and mother have their conversation.

In the great scheme of things, pregnant mommy trumps, "But we are in luuuuvvvv.

Larry

Quick update -

WH called. I was surprised, not expecting him to call me until payday like he said but then again he's been lying through his teeth lately so what did I expect?

Anyways he says the chaplain came to talk to him. I know what they talked about is confidential but he said that his bosses can figure out what this is all about. And that his career is done.

He kept prodding me to go to command - kept saying "Do it, do it". And saying that he's going to command himself, that he will go to Col. and with me on the line he will tell them what is going on.

I think he's doing this because he hates waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We did talk for awhile longer but none of it was productive.He said it doesn't matter now if he does stop or not because his career is done. He said he knows why I'm doing this and he deserves it. He did say something like I'll make you a deal - if I cease contact with her and try to make it work for the year and then it doesn't we will get the divorce. I was telling him not right away because they say that don't make drastic decisions right after getting back from deployment, that we should wait 6 months. But for some reason he started getting angry. It dawned on him that I was actually going to go through with it. He started to say mean things because he realized everything he worked hard for is going down the drain because I started this by going to the chaplain. He said he was so close to be the next rank up and he was getting riled up.

I told him No, you started this because this OW was more important to you than your family, your rank and your career.

He started spewing more stuff but I told him he's getting more angrier by the minute and what we are talking about is counterproductive. Once he gets a clear head to call me back and I hung up on him.

Everyone here is prodding you to do it, too. I think maybe you should.

And saying that he's going to command himself, that he will go to Col. and with me on the line he will tell them what is going on.

I think he's doing this because he hates waiting for the other shoe to drop.


Say "I don't want to talk about divorce; I want to talk about making our marriage wonderful."


You're not supposed to be using exposure as a threat to him; you are supposed to go through it immediately and unconditionally, regardless of what he does. It's not something you dangle in front of him to try to get him to do or not do certain things.

You are dragging this out too slowly, I am afraid. Would be so much better for him and for you if it were gotten over with. He needs to start getting past all his idiotic anger, not repeating it again every week or two when he finds himself exposed on yet another front.


Bah. Rank and money are nowhere near as important as a happy marriage and family.

Smiley:

Something I just learned. I consulted a buddy of mine who was career military. He told me that E-6 and up are terrified of a spouse sending a letter to Command. He also said that Majors and up are terrified for the same reason.

It boils down to Command's reaction on receiving such a letter. They come down HARD on the lower ranks for letting it get so bad that it comes to Command's attention. He gave me a story about a young Lieutenant who had an affair and Command got the letter. He jumped all over the Captain who was over the Lieutenant and the LT got his you know what reamed. The affair stopped on the spot.

Your WH's career would only be over depending on how he handled it according to my buddy. It isn't as if this would be the first time it ever happened. If he acts contrite and says he will make it up to you, yada, yada, yada, his enlisted command will watch him to make sure he does it, goes no contact, etc., and eventually, it will go away, or it could.

Just saying. . .

And let me tell you, you are getting a tremendous amount of advice from here and in your military. You are doing a great job of weighing that advice.

Larry

He said he's done. Said he called her and broke it off with her.

It seems like the talk with his chaplain made it clear how far I'm going to go. He worked so hard to get where he is at so he SAYS he broke it off. He told me his version of their conversation which made me mad but that's neither here nor there.

I asked him how am I going to believe him and he asked me what does he need to do...I havent' decided.

He definately seemed upset..not sure if it's because I forced him to do something he didn't want to do or because he's scared of his career.

Both

And I would bet a million dollars that the person he reports to noticed the Chaplain and reamed him a new one. See my last post on how it works. The BEST guy to watch your husband just noticed. That is a very good outcome.

At least his first command now knows and if it escalates to upper Command, his first can say, "Sir, yea, I know all about it and am on it like a cheap suit, sir." This makes the direct report look good, Command can get it off his desk and doesn't need to do anything unless it turns nasty.

At that point, it is up to a reamed out husband.

Larry

So what's my next step everyone?

No Contact letter? what is reasonable to ask?

Right now I feel like he's in withdrawal and maybe still in the fog. I forced my hand and forced him to drop this relationship for the sake of his career not because of his family.

I have time to think things through...

I know I have to establish NO contact but how when he's so far away??


I can now do the carrot of Plan A right?

He is going to learn that his family and career at tied together but it will take him a bit of time to figure that out.

How can you sure he broke it off with her? What is your proof? It may have gone farther underground, maybe. On the other hand, he could have very well broken it off.

If it has and he gets caught, it really will hit the fan.

Now you have time to think, as you said.

And yes, be nice. You have nothing to lose by being nice. Plan A is a good idea. But I have no experience where you are now so my advice might not be right.

Larry

Suggestion: You probably should consider cleaning up your communication with the OW mother. She might be a source of whether or not the affair is closed or not. I had some suggestions back a page about communicating with her.

Larry

Smiley,

you're doing great!

I'd proceed with going to the Command, anyway. I'm thinking that he called and told you that the chaplain talked to him to make you THINK he already got into trouble. As for promising no contact with the OW for a year...how are you supposed to know if that's true? He could just take it deeper underground.

I think he is DESPERATE to keep you from going to his Command and is thinking of anything he can to gaslight you into keeping your mouth shut.

I agree with LC. That's what I thought too. You should go to command because he doesn't want you to, so this is your BEST target. He will be ANGRY but you already know you need to do it. Don't let this A continue without some trouble from your end.

I guess I am not devious enough. LC has a point. Which is not to say LC is devious, just more aware.

Can you find out from your Chaplain when/if he contacted the other Chaplain and what that other Chaplain did? You have a small window to gather facts upon which you can rely and base decisions before it reaches a point where Command will wonder why you delayed so long before getting Command involved.

I am old school military. And so is the buddy I consulted. He has more experience in current military culture than I do, but he still has limitations. In my era, enlisted Sergeants would do whatever it took to get a soldier straight and not have it come to the "Official" attention of Command. At the same time, command would often know enough because command's job is to know just about everything going on. And in my day, "Unofficial" methods of persuasion were very effective.

Larry

Nah, Larry, I'm not devious! I just have YEARS of experience with a gaslighting WH! After you realize that all the crapola he's been feeding you is really a bunch of lies designed to keep you "in line", you kinda learn how to figure out what they're REALLY trying to do when they start whinging and moaning and trying to lay a guilt trip on you.

SG's WH is in NO POSITION to be trying to make any kind of deals, and I think he has suddenly realized it, hence the attempt to bargain with her...and the credit goes to SG's Facebook exposure. This has shaken him up and shown him that SG WILL do WHATEVER it takes to save her marriage and family.

I think the Facebook exposure has put a crack into their affair. I bet the OW is afraid that her BS will find out any minute now. So, SG should do whatever she can to find the guy. Hopefully, somebody on the OW's Facebook will either tell him about the affair or will say something to someone else who will tell him. Facebook exposure could have a ripple effect. Most of these folks know each other IRL and they GOSSIP!

SG, you're doing GREAT! Keep on with contacting legal and the Commander!

Oh, and SG, if/when he calls again, I wouldn't even get into any kind of relationship/affair discussion with him. Just repeat these two things as needed:

"I will do whatever it takes to save our marriage and family. Hey, guess what (whatever child's name) did today! (Go on and tell him whatever cute thing the child did)"

"I'm not interested in divorce; I only do marriage. (Add something else upbeat and cheerful)"

If he starts getting nasty and tries to start an argument, say, "Oops! Littlest one just spilled Kool-Aid all over the floor (or whatever). Gotta go! Love ya! Stay safe!" and hang up.

I'm not going to command anymore. I will go to JAG and have them hold my evidence so that should I want to go I have that option.

He stopped contact because he knows I was prepared to go to command. He finally realized I was serious when I told him I got his orders so that we can break our lease once the dock in pay goes into effect. Now that he has stopped I won't be going and my mind is made up.

I've asked for him to get rid of any pictures he has, the phone number he wrote down and any momentos he has of her - I want any memory of her gone. He said he already did this.

I asked for him to delete his other facebook page and give me his passwords for his emails. He will get rid of any outside emails but won't give me the p/w to his military one.

Unfortunately I didn't see the advice to not stay too long on the phone with him. We ended up talking for an hour last night. He is very angry and withdrawn.

I know I have to do plan A right now. this is the hard part where he's intent on doing the bare minimimal and I'm going to be doing all of the nice stuff and not get any back..