smiley

Please go to the Chaplain so you can find out what really happened instead of what you were told happened. That might be important to you. You might also want to tell the Chaplain that your WH won't give you the pwd for his military email and there might be a valid military reason for that or not, as the case may be.

If you can control your love busters, then by all means stay on the phone as long as it does not become a crisis, again. Learning how to reverse fog babble might be useful for you. But I do have to agree with LC that arguing serves no purpose except to drive the wedge deeper. Don't expect to get anything back until he is through withdrawal.

The goal is to recover your marriage, not win points at this stage of the task.

Larry

Yes, DO verify that the chaplain actually talked to him.

The tricky thing is that he might set up another email account to communicate with her. There needs to be some method of accountability on his end, but I don't know how that can be arranged.

The only thing I can think of is to make sure the OW's world is blown up. You still need to find her BH and tell him, no matter what.

smiley

To add more to LC's continuing ability to ferret out the sneaky ways a WH can use, let me comment seriously:

You are doing great. Just don't fail to take care of ALL the loose ends in your situation. Any loose end can bite you where it hurts. Do expose to BH. Do verify with Chaplain. Do verify. Do contact JAG, and so forth.

Larry

Yes I do know the chaplain talked to him because the chaplain I talked to sent me an email saying he has gotten in touch with him. I emailed him back asking for any updates.

He won't tell me if the OW is married or share with me any information at this time. I will ask again but not right now.

His actions are very hurtful to me right now and I know he's doing it out of anger.

He put single on his real facebook page and put in his status "I'm not single but I'm in hell".

This was after our 1hour conversation last night...so I guess I didn't do so well.

I already messaged him about it maybe I should have taken the high road and not said anything?

I must have missed this but you mentioned other affairs:

1. How many OW has he made love with while married to you?

2. How many other cheating type things has he done? Prostitutes, online porn, etc.?

I would totally ignore any hateful comments on his Facebook page, just as you should ignore any hateful comments made by a falling-down drunk.

In your interactions with him, you need to be firm in your resolve, but very kind. He needs to see you at your best...to know that there IS hope for a wonderful life and marriage with him. This does not mean that you are to tolerate any further betrayal, but you just handle things the way you need to handle them for the good of your marriage, yourself, and your children while, at the same time, reinforcing the subliminal message that YOU are the perfect wife for him.

I once heard a woman say, "My husband may not be perfect, but he is perfect for ME."

I pray that the two of you will recover and that both of you will be able to say the same about each other.

1- this is the first one I confirmed w/o a shadow of a doubt that it was sexual.

2- he's done an EA, no prostitutes, probably online porn when he was deployed, found an adult finder ad once...if I have to think back to the past there was a lot

He's not at the place where he wants to restore love. What do I do? Especially since he's so far away?

Is that why I don't have much answers? There's no one been in my position before?

Please go back and read what I said about combat. There is not much you can do except follow the advice you have been given to be a happy face when he calls. Talk about the kids, etc.

The answer is to read the plan and follow the plan. If he is not in a position to read and follow the plan, yet, that is ok. There are no easy answers. Don't even look for one. It takes time, knowledge and effort to get where you want to go and there are no guarantees. The only person you control is you. And the only person you can get to change is you.

You do the best you can with the tools you have. You find as many tools as you can locate, such as Dr. Harley's methods and use them. No shortcuts, no easy fix, just what you have to do because you are a grownup with grownup responsibilities.

Larry

I would also point out that your husband is still calling you. That tells you that there is still some connection there for him - he is angry, but he is talking to YOU about his feelings, and hasn't just stopped talking to you altogether.

When he expresses his anger, you can respond positively to his statements without raising his anger level:

"I am hearing your anger, and knew when this happened that you would be angry. I was willing to risk your anger, because our marriage can withstand anger. I'm willing to walk through your anger and be there on the other side when you come out."

"I understand you had negative feelings about (whatever he states his 'reasons' for the affair were). I realize that our marriage was, and IS, in need of work. I'm willing to do the work and have already begun to work on what I think I have done wrong. I hope you can start walking that road with me to save our marriage."

"I hear and sense your pain and frustration. I'm also willing to listen to everything you have to say, weigh it all, and hope that at some point you will also hear my thoughts. I will let you go first, because I think that will help us save our marriage - feel free to talk, but please let's keep this calm and try to take the anger level down so we can make progress in our relationship."


At this point, if you MUST have any relationship talk, let him know that he can say what he wants, that you will listen to it.

Present him with the idea that YOU HAVE THE OPEN MIND - and that you will accept and listen to what he has to say.

Do not, however, allow yourself to get drawn into conversations that are back and forth about the relationship at this point - keep things on the positive. "I am willing to hear you" "I understand your feelings" "I believe in our future"

Because at this point, he has to believe in his own ability to save face, your ability to forgive, and the ability of the two of you to actually work things out without FIGHTING your way through the entire thing. And he has to believe that YOU really DO have a plan for changing.

Make him believe these things. The hardest part will be controlling YOUR responses to what he says

because he will say


MANY STUPID THINGS

and

MANY HURTFUL THINGS

and you will absolutely need to remember that he is an idiot right now. Try not to respond to the idiot in him, and appeal to the man you know that resides deep within him. Talk to THAT man.


SB

Smiley:

When schoolbus takes someone to school, I try to encourage them to pay close attention. She gives some of the best advice found on this forum.

Going back to a decision you made, which was to allow the 'Unofficial' route of exposure to happen, I was talking to my buddy earlier tonight and we were sharing war stories of times we have seen 'Unofficial' work.

Together we worked this up for you:

Top: Hey, what the {censored} was the Chaplain here about. Something wrong with your family I need to know about?

Hubby: Nope, just talking.

Top: {censored} Don't cow flop me, what the heck was that all about.

Hubby: Can't tell you.

Top: Like {censored} I don't want a letter to show up on Captain's desk and make me look like a fool cause I don't know something I should know. Lemme tell you what is gonna happen if you don't fess up. {{Now the list of dire and effective consequences a Top can provide at will}}

After more back and forth, hubby feels the pressure and ups what is going on. Top tells him what hubby is going to do about it and to pray that the deal never gets to command.

Top Sergeants are NOT officers and gentlemen. They have their ways. And their ways can often cause more trauma than would be present if it ever got 'official.' I assure you that if Top knows, so does command at some level, but not 'officially."

Hope that helps. And I hope that scene, which is probably close to what happened, makes you smile.

Larry

Thanks Larry that did make me smile

Thanks schoolbus for the good advice.

He's been calling just about every night but I discovered it's because the chaplain told him I said I was afraid he's not going to call me anymore (well it's TRUE that's what he said in the conversation when I first confronted him) and so chaplain told my WH to call me.

The FB status is there because that's the only tool he can use to express his feelings but he "isn't doing it to hurt me".

Says he will get rid of his other FB page as soon as he gets a chance and sorry it's not fast enough for me and to call command if he's taking too long. More foggy talk.

I TRIED to talk about happier things - about the kids but he doesn't want to hear it. Sigh. I know, I must have patience.

I asked for his mailing address which he did get finally but he won't give it to me or his parents or to anybody. He says he doesn't need anything from anybody. Only reason he is calling is because chaplain told him too otherise he would just keep to himself. Sighhh

I told him I respect that if that's what he wants to do but I hope he changes his mind. I told him it's not for him it's for the kids too how they WANT to send him things. He says to pretend to send it to him but send it somewhere else....

Still trying to be postive...he said he doesn't want to hear me say he's not trying so he's going to call but really is it trying? I am not going to ask that though just be happy he calls...

it's been a full week since we've said goodbye and it's been such a long week...I am certain things will go up from here just have to be positive try to Plan A him the best way I can.

I"m pretty sure that the FRG will pass on the address. From there I can send him things - it will just be a surprise. I think the first things I'll send is from the kids. What I don't want to do, however is email the FRG asking for the address. That would be a LB by not respecting his wishes. But if I send him soemthing anyways would that also be a LB?

Smiley:

Yea, well, leave us spin this in a different direction:


He is running from himself.

Top told him to do whatever the Chaplain said to do, or dire consequences. Hubby has had a blow torch applied to his preponderance and likes it NOT! This is what I suspect. See if you can find out if Top has crawled all over him. Chaplain should know. Chaplain isn't supposed to talk, but there is talk and there is, uh talk.

I modified my last post to insert DIRE consequences as only a Top can dish out.

By all means get his address from FRG and do mail him stuff from the kids. He needs to reconnect with his family. There will be envy from some of his buddies that will help. Lots of peer pressure in combat to value home and family.

Just ask any vet.

Larry

Talk about foggy talk. Your WH has himself convinced he doesn't want packages from the kids?

True fog!

Heard back from my chaplain. My WH assured him that he will keep in contact with me through out this deployment. In my last email to him I let him know that I was concerned when he said he's not going to call the entire year. I'm to let him know if he doesn't call ina reasonable time ( one week or two).

Havent heard from him last night but i"m sure he is busy, and probably busy to go online and take care of that extra facebook page. I am already planning on telling him to give me the email and password for that account so I can just take care of it for him with him on the phone.

Is that a demand though - a lovebuster? I figured it is one of the ways I can be assured that the contact has ceased.

Kids are back in school this week. Dropping them off triggers off a thought - like this is where they started talking and things start creeping my mind. I drove hom crying. It's going to be extra hard picking them up because I actually get off to get them. Not sure if I shared this but my son was in the same class as her daughter- luckily they moved away but still...

Need some encouraging words here that I can make it through this.

smiley, it's going to be one of the hardest if not THE hardest situation you will face in your life. You will find strength that you never knew you had.

You can do this.

No, it is not a love buster, it is a boundary. Next time you talk to your Chaplain, see if he can find out if your husband's direct report started talking to husband. If would be useful if "Unofficial" counseling were going on.

You have already grown. I can see by comparing your first post to the ones just above. If there is anything positive out of this mess, it is that you are assuming responsibility and becoming a much more capable woman, a real grownup. Steel is forged in the fire.

You obviously don't like why, but it is what it is and you are proving yourself to yourself. The changes you are making to yourself are very, very good and will help you in the future.

Larry

Thanks for the encouragement Larry and MicheleG.

He was able to call last night. The conversation was almost normal - as in I don't detect any more anger. He has said he was sorry, shouldn't have put me through that, etc. And that he hasn't had time to go on the computer because the lines are like 1 1/2 long but he isn't trying to stall or anything. We talked a little bit about the A. He was mostly quiet, so not sure if he's just taking it all in or what. He said this doesn't mean things are "good" between us but he knows I don't deserve that. I told him that it hurts more than any other time I got suspicious (rightly so) or even the EA because he used money that we don't have and made the trip. With every female friend we would fight about in the past his excuses were she's married/in a relationship and she lives in another state. I know now that isn't going to be a factor anymore. I mean, his family would have wanted to see him one more time before he left for but instead....anyways I said he made the choice even when he knew the friendship was going too far he made the choice to continue.

I took up ownership on my part, or tried to but the words didn't come out right. I know I wasn't perfect and I must have been horrible to make him even want to look elsewhere. he says he wasn't looking for anything else just a friend but like I said earlier I told him well he had a choice and he made it.

I KNOW I shouldn't have said so much, Plan A is not lecturing him or being the cause of his unhappiness. I will refrain from doing so next time when he calls.

Another good thing - he gave me the address. I asked if I could give it to his parents but he said he will.

Am I for sure certain contact has ceased? I dont know. I have thoughts in my head that could happen but those things are out of my control.

So funny how in a week things have changed. I am changing.

I expect to continue this Plan A all this year and next until he returns. Though he said in our second to last converstaion about R&R that he doesn't want to take one I am certain he will come home to me.

Smiley, you are doing VERY well. You can do this!

Yesterday was our 9 years anniversary. Today I bought myself some yellow tulips to celebrate. Doesnt matter if he hasn't said anything about it, it's still a special day to me