Last night I participated in this again ("this" is fully explained in post #2344058 HERE...It was easier than the last time. He was "waiting" for me in the bed. And, he was very much aroused and very much into it. At this point, he is being far more affectionate. Started kissing me goodbye in the a.m. as we're leaving for work. I continue to be affectionate as weel - I place my hand on his back & rub it while we're driving, touch him lovingly in small ways throughout the day.....things like that. I am doing this and thinking "feelings follow behavior." MB is marriage based. The thing is - I am feeling very confused, but I am not sure why. It may be because I am feeling a little "used"...((groan)) I don't know...Not sure. I also keep wondering if there's someone else out there for me. Wondering if I am making a mistake by trying to save this marriage.

I am trying with all my mental might to manage these feelings.

Not sure if they're linked to the sex. I guess they aren't. I mean - I recall typing these same thoughts here earlier when he and I were barely speaking, not co-sleeping, & I was first trying to do MB. Maybe they are linked to this-->

I have been snooping because of some things I saw on the SAA threads...People being blindsided because they just "knew" there was no way their spouse could be cheating. In his email I found some porn site subscriptions (free 3 day trials & then the cancellations). On the online billing records for our cell phones I found quite a bit of text message activity between him and a female friend - knew about the friend but didn't know how frequent the communications were, and on his cell phone I found text message exchange between him and someone (a woman) which made my heart jump:


My H NEVER tells me I am pretty or calls me "Pretty Lady." In the past, when I asked him why, he said he "just isn't that type of person."

This made me look a little more into the billing records for the cell phones and I found a few more exchanges but I couldn't see exactly what was said or sent because he has already erased it from his cell phone. Within minutes I was able to find out exactly who this woman was, her address, her employment info and her Facebook Page. They aren't friends on Facebook and the cell phone contact seems to be sporadic. There are a few brief calls as well.

Do I think he's having an affair? No. But I do think he has flirted and is flirting with this woman.

I thought that I should take a page from Mark1952's book & become his "best option" and keep the info I discovered to myself while being on the lookout for more info of the same. Am I right to handle it this way or should I confront him with what I found? (Which is one questionable text message exchange between him & this person plus records of a few other texts & brief conversations...)

I am nervous because I just brought him out of Withdrawl. I don't want to make the wrong move now.

Chris, I'm sorry, but it very likely IS a full-blown physical affair. It almost always is. Why wouldn't it be?

OMG

I would say nothing and start doing some super sleuthing. Don't confront him without more evidence right now. Spying 101

It sounds to me like an emotional affair, which can quickly graduate to a physical affair, if it hasn't already. Flirting is not HARMLESS, it is a form of courting and what you describe below is more akin to an affair than flirting.

If he is communicating with her through his cell phone, I would install flexispy on his phone. Where is he when he is "on his shift?" Is that on a computer at work?

How else would he be communicating with her? Does she live close by? Who is she? A coworker?


p.s. just a suggestion, but folks could understand your posts better if they don't have to go look at other threads to get it. I would try and make your point in this thread instead of sending folks off to read another thread. Most ppl don't have the time for that.

Chris, I said the EXACT same thing when I first found inappropriate communication between now XH and a female co-worker. (telling myself it was flirting not a PA) It took exactly 24 hours after installing a keylogger to discover it was full blown PA.

Listen to the vets here. They are almost always right. Continue to snoop but don't let on. If you get evidence, keep gather for as long as you can stand it. It will help you regardless of what you decide to do in the end.

I'm sorry. I know that sickening feeling.

It's at least an EA. The flirting makes it so. The chance is good that it's going PA if it hasn't already. Time for major snooping.

Chris, you couldn't be in a better place to use this tragedy to take your marriage from something you were both unhappy in, to the marriage both of you have always wanted.

Read the spying 101 thread ML linked above. How do you feel about keep up Plan A for now? You can always decide differently later. Call the Harleys again if you can. Keep working on getting your physical and mental strength up, take great care of yourself, hon.

(((Hugs)))

Mel,

He has a PRN (part time, hours "as needed") job & he doesn't go there regularly and he hasn't been there in months. He hates working there. He's a security officer.

He recently did one shift to earn some extra $ to buy some tools to do woodworking with our son. We had not budgeted for the tools, but we make pretty good money & there are other things we buy which aren't budgeted for too.

Yes - She works there but in a different capacity than him. I have all her info. She lives about 40 minutes away from our home but about 20 minutes away from the worksite.

The thing is - my H & I have have NO unaccounted for time. We always know where the other person is.

Mel, I will follow your advice about not confronting him and collecting more info, but do I still meet his ENs including the sex thing we just started? This is an untimely discovery because he appears to be responding so well to the MB stuff I am doing. Many times when I am talking with him, I have to control myself from spilling the beans!

I agree with this. As a wise woman told me once, LAY LOW and CATCH the HO!!!

How does your H know this woman? Through work?....

Look at the spying 101 thread and the first thing I would do is get some spyware on that computer ASAP.....looking at porn is not constructive for your marrriage either.....

Not2fun

Chris, does he have a computer that he uses? Does he stay up late at night on his computer?

You mentioned previously that he had gone out for a "boys night." How do you know he really did that?


Well, you know what he TELLS you about how he spends his time. Keep that in mind.

Chris, unfortunately I agree with all of these posters. I too thought that I knew where my WH was at all times. He worked. Well, he would leave work EARLY and spend lunches and breaks with POSOW. I found out about some phone calls and I talked with her and met with her a couple of times. Well, on Dec18/09 I asked him to move out so I could go into plan B and he moved right in with POSOW. He has been living with her ever since. I had installed a keylogger and found one sided chats from WH to POSOW and he said things like, "You looked really cute today. Oh you always look cute. I love you." When was the last time my WH told me that I was cute? I can't even tell you.

I don't want to be right. I don't want us to be right. You already know that YOU'RE RIGHT.

Yes he does stay up late @ night on his computer. He is in an MBA Program. I am on the computer late at night too. I have a web page as a hobby, but lately I have been here @ MB.


I didn't follow him so I have no visual confirmation.


Most of it is easily confirmable. For most of our lives what we did is go to work, pick up our child, and come home. Random calls to the office / unit confirm he (or me) were where we said we were.

Again, I am not thinking PA but I am thinking flirting.

Then again...This weekend I intitated a discussion about cheating because of something we heard on the radio. I said he previously told me that cheating = THE END of a marriage. He said that he didn't exactly say that. OH YES HE HAS...many times during our Marriage. Yet this time it was, "It depends on the context. For example, if a couple is like how we were a few weeks ago when one of us said IT'S OVER, I wouldn't blame the other spouse for doing something because they were told it's over."

WTF? That's a red flag huh? I'm thinking of asking directly - Did something happen during that week when you told me it's over? The thing is - he didn't leave the house that week. We were snowed in.

I am trying with ALL my might not to call this girl and just ASK her what the story is! I can;t do that without it getting back to him though - so I am stuck in this hell.

With the new upswing in his behavior, I don;t want to do the wrong thing because of my emotions.

DON'T call her YET(if ever, unless Melodylane asks you to). I talked to POSOW right up until I found the stuff from the keylogger and she denied denied denied. She wants him too. They said things to me like, "He/She is not even my type.", "I can't even imagine being with him/her." Really? Then why are they playing house now? Waywards LIE. People committing ADULTERY LIE.

Keep snooping and do a solid Plan A.

God, he just called and spoke to me SO lovingly on the phone. I am in Crazyland with all of this. If I had not found MB we would still be in the "Let's get a divorce phase" and I would be 100% GLAD I found this information.


OK...Keep snooping & doing my plan A. Check.

One thing I want to point out...these texts occurred on 3/14 and he indicated that he'd be "in" on the 20th.

If this were an active affair they'd be much more involved in their daily schedules than pointing out where they were going to be 6 days later. Contact would be CONSTANT as in emails, texts and calls 20 to 100 times a day.

Doesn't mean it's not inappropriate and might be an indication of an affair in the making but please realize you are in a room full of people who's spouses ALREADY went down a path that included text messages and the like exactly like these. Our collective hindsight on SAA is a bit skewd to say EVERYTHING is an affair.

Just because A + B equalled C for us...doesn't mean A = C for you.

Keep on the look out for more but here's to hoping that this suspected OW is the 70 year old happily married one legged hairlipped hippie with yellow teeth receptionist that just likes to flirt inappropriately.

Don't panic.

Mr. Wondering

Chris, Prisca and I are so sorry to hear this.


MelodyLane, thank you for supplying that word "courting." Helps my understanding and helps me to express something better.

I've heard people before say things like "My husband has lunch with a lady from work, but it's not an affair." And my response to them is: your husband took that lady on a date; is it appropriate for your husband to be dating other women?

Flirting isn't dating, but it is courtship behavior. Ugh. Many people don't understand how inappropriate it is, for some insane reason I do not fully understand. No, it doesn't always indicate that people are physically committing adultery. But it's an inappropriate piece of behavior.

On the plus side: you finally have a crucial valuable piece of information about what is wrong with your marriage. With a little more information, you can fight the disease and your marriage can recover, given support and guidance from the excellent folks here.

Good point Mr W.

I hate that my view is so A filled. I try not to do that. To be honest, I didn't even notice the dates were a few days apart either, I was FOCUSED on the content.

The advice is still the same. SNOOP and Plan A until you KNOW for sure.

I do not care if my thoughts are skewed or not, if a women were to text my h calling him "baby" and he respond with "pretty lady" regardless of how long apart the messages are or anything else, i would DEFINITELY think it was inappropriate to say the LEAST and bordering on EA and i would certainly think something was going on for sure. He should not be talking that way to another women nor let her talk to him in that manner.

I'm glad Mr. W said this:


Not saying you shouldn't be vigilant but this might be a case of hearing hoofbeats and assuming Zebras, not horses.

You are both in a position in your marriage where the atmosphere is there for an affair. Good on you for taking steps to move your marriage away from it!

I agree with Mr. W. Inappropriate conversation, potential for trouble, but most probably NOT an EA or PA at the moment.

Keep your eye out, keep working Plan A.

Yes - I thought of that. I checked the cell phone bill call / text logs and found INFREQUENT contact between him & her. But there were a few 1 minute calls. THAT seems odd to me.

Also, there was actually much more text activity between him & the female friend who lives in Arizona. Ms. Arizona has 6 kids from several different men and she has mental issues. If my H leaves me for her, then I am a really sad person and I really do need some self improvement.


True...But I don't want to be a fool either.

Truthfully, neither of us has the time to nurture a "proper" affair. By that I mean the time where you are able to build some sort of connection or even another life with an OW or OM.

God knows I had the opportunity during the deployments but the thought NEVER crossed my mind. I was waiting for my "beloved warrior" to return. Until he did, I was keeping our house in order & taking care of our child - that was my job...& That was my mentality.


I found her FB page & high school graduate info. She is 35. But looking at her - I didin't see her as any type of threat. Anyway - I know that the OW / OM isn't all about the looks. They are about the sweetness of secrecy & the unmet ENs.

I will try not to panic Mr W...I will try.

Actually now - I feel quite numb.

Looking up SIM card readers and Flexispy right now...