Just throwing this in here really quick. I had an affair in my first marriage and I did everything during the day. I was home almost every day on time. He could conduct an affair during the day through text, calls and perhaps meeting up when he is set to be at work or on his lunchhour.

Yep, do it ANYWAY!!!!

Yes, Spectorpro puts that on there to cover themselves. I understand COMPLETELY about being unsure in doing this, snooping GNAWED at my conscience. I was not good at it and I HATED doing it. HOWEVER, putting the keylogger on my computer was the ONLY way I got the information *I* needed on H'S affair. It tooks MONTHS of prodding by the good folks here and looking back in hindsight, I would have done it MUCH sooner. I would have saved my months of emotional turmiol.......

I am in an agreement with Mr. W, though I did say LAY LOW and CATCH the HO. It is possible that this is more of an inappropriate relationship, but if you don't squash it NOW, you are looking at an even BIGGER problem in the not-so-distant future.

Besides, your H's porn issue needs to be addressed anyway, so EVEN if the first reason to put the spyware on your H's computer is this OW, the porn gives you a SECOND reason.....One reason in good enough. Two is an alarm. Do ya really need a third???

not2fun

Chris, we have not had any WS catch the eblaster keylogger yet so I wouldn't worry about it. We do this everyday and have never had any trouble. The only thing you might do is run his anti-spyware and make sure it doesn't flush it out. I have only seen that happen once, and in that case, she just programmed it to ignore it.

But you can't afford to miss out on this important tool; if something is going on it is probably happening here and this will flush it out quickly.

I remember feeling physically ill right after I installed the keylogger.

Not as ill as I felt when I read the chats and IMs though.

FWIW, Chris, regardless of what stage this friendship/EA/A etc. is in, if this is something your H can't say right in front of you to another person..male OR female...it's inappropriate and doesn't belong in the relationship. That's the bottom line litmus test.

Hi Chris,

It's been a while since I responded to one of your posts.

The disclaimer, as I understand it, is there because you cannot use evidence found by a keylogger in a court of law. It's the same thing as saying listening on the extension phone to another's conversation is unlawful. It's only unlawful when someone tries to use that information in a matter of law.

Of course, my disclaimer is that I'm not a lawyer. But I used a keylogger and a GPS tracker and I'm glad (?) I did. It was the knowing that was important, not how I got the knowledge.

reading everyone's responses and I'd follow them - install keylogger, keep snooping and continue with a great Plan A.

While I understand that it's possible, it truly isn't probable. For example, the job he has now - he gets 30 minutes for lunch. It would take him that long to get out of the building.

I am not trying to be naive here - just realistic. It's very tempting to simply call both of these women & ask them what, if anything, is going on. But, I know that once I do that other things will result.

Not2,

How can I fault my H for viewing porn when I do it myself? No keylogger needed for that - we both know that we both look at porn on the Internet.

Again, neither of us is "addicted" to it. Sex between us is good. Last night it was great...

To be clear, I believe that the relationship with the "friend" is likely inappropriate. They contact each other WAY more than I feel is right. A few months ago I sent her a friend request on FB and she ignored it...yet she is friends with my H. THAT is a red flag IMO. I asked him about it. He claimes he asked her about it & she said whenever she friends women it never ends well because they eventually accuse her of saying something inappropriate to their H or boyfriend. I asked him to think about what that may mean - she may actually be saying inappropriate things if this is a repeated occurance between her and other women.

Maybe I should send her a message along with another friend request: My H says you're interested in buying XYZ from me (which he did say a few months ago)...Let's chat! Thoughts?

At any rate, he deletes the texts from her so I have not very much of seen what is being said. The few he didin't delete seemed very harmless. I also managed to find one email exchange - very harmless. In one recent text which he did not delete she mentions she'd be out of town in case he emails her. This bugged me...I couldn't find more than one email from him to her on his personal email account. If he is emailing her, he must be doing it from work or from an email account I don't know about.

As far as that text with the other person "pretty lady", it was 100% awful. I can't imagine any man would want his wife reading that exchange. With that in mind, I purchased a SIM card reader earlier today. It was just $14.99 & shipping was free. Can't wait til it arrives.

Beyond that, I am not ready to take any further steps...such as monitoring Internet Usage, GPS tracking, etc. Something feels wrong about all of that right now. I already have confirmation of ONE inappropriate exchange. With the SIM card reader I may get more of that and I may get plans for hooking up. I am hoping that the info only reveals inappropriate flirting and no hook up planning. In my mind, the road back from inappropriate flirting and a possible an EA is shorter and less bumpy than the road from a full blown PA. Although if I find things showing an EA/PA from the SIM, why spend the money on a keylogger or Internet tracking? I'll already know - My H s having an EA / PA. If we divorce, in VA marital infidelity is not a consideration in the division of marital property - so again....why spend the money gathering proof beyond what the SIM card can tell me?

I plan to have a talk with him in the near future about going to the next MB Weekend...which I saw is scheduled for May (pls correct me if I am wrong.) I mean, if we're having sex, sleeping in the same bed, and he is "behaving" like he wants to be my husband again I see no reason why I can't say - You mentioned that part of our problem was that we never felt like "trying" at the same time....Since we're both in "trying" mode right now, let's get some assistance.
In attending MB, I can get more info about how to be his best option and he can learn why EA and flirting is not good for a marriage..

Fred, thanks for weighing in. At this time I am going with the SIM card reader.

Chris- I hope that you do not read this thread in 6 months and regret this decision. I hope for you that you won't be one of the people telling newly Dday BS's that they need to snoop.

Although it is true that there may NOT be an A started with OW2(texting gal)there are many many that should not be ignored. At best, your H has extremely weak boundaries in concern with people of the opposite sex.

What are you afraid of learning? What is the worst thing you can think of?

In my own sitch, I wish I had found MB 2 years earlier so I would have been able to have a greater effect earlier in my WH's A. My hope for you is that you take this advantage you have gained by being here and having so many good people giving you great advice. Let's talk again when the SIM card reader arrives. How long will that take?

Chris, I would strongly suggest you go with BOTH the keylogger and the SIM card. It is very common for affairs to take place on the computer. You need to go after this with both guns if you are going to do it. Not monitoring the computer could be a BIG MISS, since that is where we uncover the VAST MAJORITY of affairs. There is nothing "wrong" with snooping whatsoever, so your feelings are leading you wrong. There is something wrong with cheating, nothing wrong with catching someone in the act. If you are going to do it, my suggestion would be to do it RIGHT. A keylogger is probably the best tool at your disposal.

It was for me, for sure. I had confirmation within 24 hours of installing the keylogger. I saw a huge red flag when you mentioned tht he is on the computer a lot at night.

Is hubby still refusing to sleep in the same bed?

No + We're having great sex.

Oh good, because that was a big red flag to me. Let's hope that the inappropriate behavior stops. Hang in there and keep checking.

Scot, the reader should be here in 3-4 days. I will keep everyone posted about what is found. In the meantime, I am reading his texts manually while he showers and checking his phone activity online. They update the info frequently.

I understand about the red flag of being on the computer late at night. He's in an MBA program and his computer usage could be explained by that. I was in the exact same situation 24 months ago when I was in that program. Also, I use the compuetr late at night. Heck - I'm doing it now & he went up to bed a few minutes ago. Not trying to make excuses, but it is what it is.

I'll know more once I start using the SIM Card reader.



Mel, I am aware of what you're saying about affais & computers and I thank you for your advice. My H leaves his computer on and leaves himself logged in. I have the password to his log in, his email, his FB page too. Now...he could have an email account which I don't know about, and in that case a keylogger would be very enlightening. I have an email address he doesn't know about - the one I registered with here. He could be emailing an OW from work too - in which case I'll never know.

Mark is advising me about this on the MB 101 side too. He & Mr Wondering are saying that they really don't see enough evidence (a pattern) to indicate an affair. I agree with that and I don't have that "gut feeling" an affair is happening. Again, for now - I am starting with the SIM Card reader and going from there. My thinking is I don't need to separate hundreds from my wallet to confirm an affair if I can get what I need from the SIM whih was less than $16. I'll need that money for MB Coaching & the upcoming MB Weekend.

I sincerely believe that there is no affair and that at most, he is getting ENs most likely Admiration and Conversation met by the "friend" in AZ or possibly with the co-worker. I can fight this by being "the best option"...meeting ENs and avoiding LBs, get him to agree to MArriage Coaching & the MB Weekend so he can learn more about boundaries etc. In the discussion on the MB 101 side, one of the men pointed out that when the marriage & family situation becomes more attractive, men generally will not continue to see the OW as a viable choice. OS, I definitley need to shore up my Plan A activity while being on the lookout for any EA/PA. actvity..

Good luck!

ChrisInNOVA, when I found out about my FWW's A, that was one of the first things that went through my mind - when did she find the time? Like you, I thought I could account for all the time that were were not together. If someone cheating, they will make the time to get their "fix".

Chris i too think there are many in this situation.

My h does not even know how to use a computer or how to text someone, he carried on his A during the day using his work cell phone that i could not track.

And they did not have much contact at first, the real contact began after the PA started because the EA had already developed at work. They got to see each other every morning and talk on the phone a lot during the day and as far as work knew since they were co-workers located in different parts of the city it was "no big deal" that they were calling each other as they would need to talk during the day for work related stuff, only it wasn't work related. And she was good about leaving her jobsite and going to his jobsite on a daily basis.

And my h was also the perfect h at home too and we were having great sex all the time as well. And he told me he loved me every day, as a matter of fact he acted exactly the same as he always had, until the PA started and then i instantly "knew".

I am telling you this because I do not want you to react "emotionally" but i do not want you to "bury your head in the sand" either.