I have been divorced since June 09 and today it finally hit me... I want my marriage back! Two days ago he opened up to me with how he really felt. I realized I was a TAKER throughout the whole marriage.

It started with me wanting a new house. He gave me the house I want in the area I wanted. He put himself aside to make me happy ( I wish I could have seen that then). After we moved in our relationship spiraled downhill. I wanted more and more from him because my emotional needs weren't being met. Little did I know I wasn't meeting his emotional needs either. All he wanted from was to be a more traditional wife. I couldn't see myself doing it. I was to busy starting my career.We had a child and got married while is was still in college. I had a child from a previous relationship.I couldn't keep up with his wants. All I could see was that he wanted me to be just like his mother. Long story short we seperated for three months. I moved out because I couln't take all the blaming and finger pointing abput the house. We reconcilled and I moved back home. A few months later he told me he wanted a divorced. I was blindsided. I felt it came from nowhere. We completed the divorce together. We decided on everything together. I even stayed with him after the divorce was final until my house was ready. Looking back me buying a house added to the resentment and anger he has toward me. I thought he was ok with it. He helped me look for the house. He walked through the house pointing out what he liked and disliked. Now that I am out of the house he has done everything that I wanted him to do during the marriage. I can't say the same for me. I've done some of the things he wanted but I did it my way. I hired some that helps me with the kids and the house.
Present day I want him back I see the mistakes that I made and I want to do the things he wanted me to do. Is it too late? Can I do anything for him to take me back?

msskrj,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this painful situation.
I have some thoughts for you and your sentiments hit me on an emotional level although I'm in a much different position than yourself.

I can't get you a full response right now but I hope you'll check back later; others might jump in as well, although this board isn't highly trafficked.

For now if you could fill in some more info that might help:
kids? how long married? any history of infidelity?


Read up on basic concepts.

ttyl.
optimism

Fixing yourself, changing yourself, is a good first step in becoming a different person. As we become a different person, we can see a whole lot better. We shed the guilt and shame for what we did by looking at that new person in the mirror and we start making plans.


Yea, great first step. Now what? No magic wand here. You gotta work at it. Do you still talk? Is he dating? Are you? Where does he hang out? You have one child you share. Girl or boy. He is also dad to the other one, I suspect. How much interaction does he have with child not his? How much with his own child?

Does he want more interaction with either or both? Is he still living in the old house? What are his habits, where does he work, what do you do for work, how much time do you have to pursue him?

See, you have to know as much as you can to come up with a plan. I didn't mean that you should answer all those questions for me, they are for you.

How do you get across that you are a changed person who still loves him dearly? Answer, you do it by what you do, not what you say, that is guy language. Guys don't understand relationship talk they do mad, glad, sad, horny and confused and not much else. But they do understand when flirted with. They do understand a look, an effort and they can sense, if not express in words, when something new comes on the horizon.

Larry

Larry

No, you don't want him to take you back. You want a new relationship with him that is without all the baggage of the old deal.

Larry

optimism,

We have 1 child together a 6 yr old girl that is his heart. I have a 9 yr old son from a previous relationship. My son is our son, there is no difference between the two kids. We were married 4 1/2 yrs together 5 1/2 yrs. There was no infedelity. A few weeks after the divorce I got with someone. He found out about it a month or so later when he went through my email. It was tough for him because we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed even though we were divorced.

Tough on him doesn't EVEN begin to describe what it did to him. You thought you were divorced. And you were.

Yet. . .

Well, I am a guy so I understand him. I don't think there is any way I could ever explain it to you. Just trust me and you have no reason to, it was very tough on him and that doesn't even begin to describe what it really did, to him.

Larry

I think Larry got it right. Don't take him back, start it over. Look at him as someone you want to start dating.

That said, you really need to make sure you understand where your faults were and get them corrected. I wouldn't try and date him as you're correcting yourself.

And has he changed? Although you didn't me his emotional needs, it seems as though he didn't have good boundaries and protecting himself. With the house situation, he needs to understand that he cannot make the sacrafice and live where you want to live if it's only going to cause him to resent you for it. That's not going to make either of you happy.

And it seems like he's going to deal with and learn to forgive you for some of your actions. Even though you were already divorced when you dated someone else, that's going to hurt and he's going to remember it. Kinda part of the reason why I think you all need to look at this as a new relationship, IMO.

We still talk. Mostly about the kids. But every now and then we talk about what happened during the marriage. I talked to him today and I let him know my tru feelings. I finally took responsibility for my actions and lack there of. He appreciated my honesty and said it helps him to know that I'm sorry and see myself how I was. But of course he said there is no chance of us getting back together.

He gets both kids on his weekends. He also gets my son every week for boyscouts. He tells me he and his family are going to continue caring for him because he is apart of their family as well. My ex has been his father since he was 2 yrs old. He wants as much interaction as he can with both kids.

I'm not sure if he is dating. We talked about dating while going through the divorce. We said we would tell the other person when we are serious with someone and ready to bring them around the kids. That hasn't happened yet so I take it he is not serious with anyone. As for me i've dated here and there nothing serious.

He still lives in the house. He lost his job a couple months after the divorce. I took a leave of absence from my job so I have the time to pursue him. If I don't have the time I will make it.

I know he wants to see a change I just don't know how he's going to see it.. Since the changes he wanted me to make are household stuff like cooking and cleaning.

I think both of you are right. I want a new relationship with him without the baggage.

I have noticed some change in him. He spends more quality time with the kids. That was an issue for me during the marriage. He rarely wanted to do stuff with the kids unless I planned it. I didn't want to force him so I did a lot of stuff with my sister and her son. Now everytime the kids come back they're always talking about what they did with their dad.

Msskrj,
You�ve received some excellent words above, much of it echoes what I was going to say, in a different way.
Here�s what I found striking:
You could be my ww a couple years from now. I�ve made many sacrifices for her (she just happened to actually say that the other day, and her regret about it); I�ve been supportive of the D, once it seemed like the only way (although we have NOT slept in the same bed � she moves in to her condo tomorrow and it happenin� tonight either); I helped her find the condo, I will help her move; and I have already started letting my own personality wake up with decorating choices in our (once) marital home.

I wouldn�t be a bit surprised if ww starts to feel the same way as you at some point in the future (not being conceited, just a conjecture).

If I wasn�t already involved with someone, here�s what it would take:
MAJOR ACTIONS, not words. (As was identified above by an astute poster).

I personally have very specific issues that I would need to see including her beginning a sincere search for her spirituality, but that�s not relevant. Point is, I know what I did to contribute to the demise of our relationship. And I�m working sincerely and diligently to correct those behaviors, beliefs, attitudes, flaws, what-have-you. So far, wife has NOT exhibited the same motivation to learn and grow from this dreadful scenario; instead she chooses to �follow her heart� (the same heart that lead her/us into this mess). Major Changes preceded by deep introspection and honest self-assessments; nothing I am not requiring of MYSELF.

Hope this gives you some perspective.

~opt

Your main motivation to make "changes" should be for you to be a better MS, not just for him to 'see' them. If that's the case, then you will most likely revert back to the same old MS when (if) things get back where you want them.

If cooking and cleaning is something you simply can't do (no crime in that), and a priority Emotional Need is Domestic Support, then this could be a problem in any potential relationship going forward [an example of the way you will start to think as you familiarize yourself with MB concepts...]

~opt

I'd like to throw in a word of caution. Go slowly.
Focus on being the best YOU, rather than on getting him back. If you are the best you, and he wants to date you and it works, that's terrific. But, if you just put up an act to win him back, the situation can end up worse then ever.

And since you're already divorced, I suggest you read "Will Our Love Last?" It's about compatibility. Get an idea how in sync you and your ex really are.

Oh, and don't date. It's hard to convince your ex to start a relationship if you're dating.

Very nice opt and very astute.

Larry

Thanks for the advice.

I really want to make the changes for me and my kids. I am growing and maturing and realize I need to do the things I didn't want to do. Ultimately it will make me a better person, help my kids, and save me some money. (eating out and maid service gets very expensive).