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No possibility of another phone. All money movement is 100% transparent. Weeelll, not if (hypothetical) OW gave him one . . . Warning! You have just been a victim of the Pink Internet Superhighway of Extreme Interconnectivity and Deeper Meaning! 
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Yes...He could have a cell phone that SHE gave him. I could have a cell phone from my secret lover too.
I mean - where does it end? Really...
I have already decided to snoop, but I will not let it "consume" me or become the central focus. My central focus is taking care of myself and doing the Plan A for now.
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I have already decided to snoop, but I will not let it "consume" me or become the central focus. Be careful, Chris: what I'm hearing from you is: * if I snooped any more, that would mean letting it "consume" me * letting it "consume" me is a character trait I do not like Now, consider that you are talking to many respectable people who have snooped a great deal more than you. Do you believe those people were "consumed"? Do they seem possessed of an undesirable character trait?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am sorry you are hearing that and I have no ill will or judgements towards anyone who has snooped. Although instinctiveley we may feel that snooping is wrong & a violation of privacy, the truth is that snooping has saved marriages becasue it led to the necessary steps which spouses took to get to Recovery.
Here's what I am saying:
I am snooping and concurrently moving forward with Plan A.
My SIM Card Reader will arive shortly. From there, I'll need to decide if & how I will go further with the snooping activities.
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I am sorry you are hearing that and I have no ill will or judgements towards anyone who has snooped. No apology to me is necessary. I'm just asking you to consider if you aren't seeing all these respectable, helpful folks (not me) as maybe just a little lower because some of them may have been "consumed" by snooping at some point. Just suggesting that you consider your perspective, is all. For your sake.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I agree with Chris on this one.
I think most of us agree that snooping is necessary and prudent to protect the marriage against affairs, and most do not have too much of an ethical dilema doing it.
That being said, it is very easy for the snooping to become all-consuming to an unhealthy degree. I know, I've been there. I suspect many of us have.
Chris is free to snoop to the degree she feels comfortable with right now without this board judging her too harshly for not going far enough.
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I have already decided to snoop, but I will not let it "consume" me or become the central focus. 
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Chris is free to snoop to the degree she feels comfortable with right now without this board judging her too harshly for not going far enough. I musta missed that one. I haven't seen anyone judging HER too harshly.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 03/31/10 01:19 PM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I was never consumed with snooping.......
I was CONSUMED with finding out the TRUTH.......
It's a natural reaction when one has been gaslighted.....
Not2fun
Last edited by not2fun; 03/31/10 01:24 PM.
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I am snooping and concurrently moving forward with Plan A.
My SIM Card Reader will arive shortly. From there, I'll need to decide if & how I will go further with the snooping activities.
NOT you vs wayward.
From another thread ... ***** The Art of War ****** Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.
In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.
Warfare is the Way of deception.
Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.
Therefore, if able, appear unable,
Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.
if active, appear not active,
When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.
if near, appear far,
Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.
if far, appear near.
What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.
If they have advantage, entice them;
Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.
if they are confused, take them,
Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.
if they are substantial, prepare for them,
Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.
if they are strong, avoid them,
Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.
if they are angry, disturb them,
LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.
if they are humble, make them haughty,
If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.
if they are relaxed, toil them,
Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.
if they are united, separate them.
Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !
Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.
Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.
This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.
Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.
Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made
Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.
before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made
Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.
many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations
Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.
By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!
The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail.
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Seems to me there's no reason to look under just SOME of the rocks. But, of course, to each his own.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Hi everyone, Yes, I feel that folks here are saying I am not being aggressive enough about my snooping and I need to go all the way and get a keylogger, but I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to try the SIM Card Reader first. Well, with all of the crushing pressure to install the keylogger (  ), I reached a mental critial mass & I came out and asked my H about that "pretty lady" text. At first I lied and said I saw the texts online, but then I admitted that I saw them on his phone. His explanation was that "pretty lady" is the girlfriend of a friend he works with at the part time job and it was just a harmless type of thing. (He really needs to be educated about this type of behavior!) According to him I have all passwords on everything he owns - emails, web site memberships, etc. and his personal cell phone has no lock out on it. He said he wanted me to understand that he is not hiding anything from me. He said he is not happy about what I did but it wasn't unforgiveable and truthfully I have had much more to forgive him for throughout our marriage. This thought is gnawing at me: The one thing he did not say is that he's sorry about that text. To that end, I intend to continue talking about this topic with him again later tonight. He should not be texting anyone "pretty lady" and no woman should be calling him "baby"..He did not address the inappropriateness of that. The focus appeared to be me admitting that I snooped...granted - that is the angle I took under the umbrella of being open and honest. I apologized for the snooping but he did not address the inappropriateness of that text. I also told him very frankly that I am threatened by his friendship with Ms. Arizona. And, we talked more about that as well. I stated that I wasn't asking him to do anything, I was just being O & H about my feelings. We talked about how affairs get started...how we allow a person of the opposite sex to meet our emotional needs and then it turns physical. I still do not have any feeling that an EA / PA is going on. And, if something is going on - he is a damned good actor / liar and can do an affair across time zones... with irregualr contact. Either way - if he is having an affair he probably will not be using his personal cell phone to arrange for any bootycallmeetups since he knows the phone numbers can be viewed in the online detail and he knows I know how to view them. He told me that he knew I had looked through his cell phone days ago because I had opened messages which he did not view. He said that if I never admitted this to him, it would have been a problem. I told him that I searched through his phone because I felt insecure & threatened. He said he understood how his threat that he wanted a divorce would cause me to feel that way and act that way. We had to end the convo because we're both @ work. Looks like the keylogger may be the way to go if I still want to snoop at this point since, in my stupidity, I tipped my hand re/ the cell phone. I am almost afraid to even do the keylogger because I wasn't even savvy enough to do an undetected manual cell phone snoop. But you know what - this could all be part of his trecherous plan to deceive me right? Jeez, I'm so confused. 
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Seems to me there's no reason to look under just SOME of the rocks. But, of course, to each his own. Using that logic, I need to do the GPS tracking too...or hire a PI.
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I apologized for the snooping Why?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I apologized for the snooping Why? I 'm interested in your response as well.
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Why did I aplogize? On some level I still feel like the snooping was wrong. Sorry everyone. I know that the philosophy here is that it isn't wrong; however, I have not turned my feelings around on that one yet.
Thinking about it more, I also apologized for the lying.
Any other thoughts?
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Why did I aplogize? On some level I still feel like the snooping was wrong. Sorry everyone. I know that the philosophy here is that it isn't wrong; however, I have not turned my feelings around on that one yet.
Thinking about it more, I also apologized for the lying.
Any other thoughts? When the two of you married, you became ONE. There shouldn't be anything one hand is doing that the other hand doesn't know about. That should be your life. You should be able to look at anything of your H's and vice versa. The idea of two people running separate, parallel, lives while claiming to be "soul mates" and to be "partners" at the same time, as so many marrieds do, totally baffles me. The two separate styles don't square. Example: On Sat., I was sitting in H's/our car, waiting for H to finish using the restroom at a restaurant. I started looking in his glove compartment for a paper clip. He walked out just then, and very good-naturedly said "Hey, are you snooping through my car stuff?" My response: "Of course not. I'm looking for a paper clip. I already know every item that you have in your car." Sweet smile. And he gets it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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There is that thought and also the thought about "trust" that some people (including me) seem to struggle with when it comes to this concept of "two becoming one"...Two can become one, but "one" does not have to routinely do a semen analysis on the other one's undies. I mean - how would I react to a search of my purse or wallet? Probably not positively but I don't think I would be hopping mad either - and I am not hiding anything from my H. Chris, hand over your bag. I'm going to search it for evidence of an affair. The thing is - why didn't he get mad when I admitted I searched through his phone? Weren't we saying before that anger is the big hint that an affair is taking place? He was as cool as a cucumber - "I know you snooped. Am I happy about it? No - but I can see why you did it."
Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 03/31/10 03:55 PM.
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There is that thought and also the thought about "trust" that some people (including me) seem to struggle with when it comes to this concept of "two becoming one"...Two can become one, but "one" does not have to routinely do a semen analysis on the other one's undies.
Unless that trust has been abused and one person has to find out the extent of the broken trust, the broken vows, the broken promise to go through life as 'one'.
I mean - how would I react to a search of my purse or wallet? Probably not positively but I don't think I would be hopping mad either - and I am not hiding anything from my H.
Heck, my H doesn't even need to ask. He can poke around in there whenever he wants. He chooses not to, declaring that it is not proper to go through a lady's bag. Whatever. I've given him carte blanche to do so if he deems it necessary.
The thing is - why didn't he get mad when I admitted I searched through his phone? Weren't we saying before that anger is the big hint that an affair is taking place?
Sometimes. I think the anger is about exposure. Sometimes a WS will get dramatic as a way of deflecting accusations of an A. The fact that he remained calm is a good sign, though, with the added fact of 'knowing why you did it'. That's very good.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Talked again about the content of the text. He is still not bringing forth any admission that "Miss you baby" and "pretty lady" was inappropriate. He said that he understood how it could look "off" or "odd" though but that's all he'll "give me" on the issue. I asked him what he planned to do if she sent him another text like that. He said, knowing how I reacted he would choose different wording for his response. Said she likes to mess around with people this way. And - He began to express aggitation. Said that I should not try to fool him like this again. Said that if I lied again this way, he would not be so understanding. I did not like that he wouldn't admit to any wrongdoing in this situation. The focus of his atttention is that I lied to him. Red flag? Ladies & gents - If I am going to snoop, it better be SUPER stealthy. I CAN'T GET CAUGHT.
Last edited by ChrisInNOVA; 03/31/10 04:16 PM.
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