I brought this up to him in the continuation of the convo and that's when he got aggitated:

I reminded him of this-->

My H NEVER tells me I am pretty or calls me "Pretty Lady." In the past, when I asked him why, he said he "just isn't that type of person."

And then I said --> Yet you texted her "pretty lady."

What do I make of that? Defensiveness?

Have you told your H about the incident in the bookstore?

He could very well be gaslighting you.

What are you afraid that your H would do if he caught you snooping again? What would the ramifications be? You said that he has been doing the MB stuff right? He should then know that snooping is PART AND PARCEL in a M.

But feelings are not truth. There is nothing wrong with snooping. You have a right and a responsibility to know each and every thing your H does.

What did you lie about?

Now, if he is having an affair, he will be tipped off and will go further underground. This is why we told you to NOT say anything until you were sure. If he is having an affair, he would not admit it to you. He would make up ridiculous excuses like this:


There is nothing "harmless" or innocent about saying
Confronting him without evidence is a lovebuster and it only serves to drive him further underground if there is an affair. And I certainly have not ruled out an affair. All the flags indicate there is an affair or the beginning of one.

Answer the question, please.....

In a word: HELL NO.


ETA:

And there is nothing anyone can say to make me either.

As far as I'm concerned IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Melody,

On it's face, what you are saying seems right; however, HE KNEW I had been in the cell phone already..before I admitted it. Seriously - when I admitted it he was completely UNsurprised. That changes the truth of your observation as it applies to my situation. To be blunt: I suck at "snoop"...It was a rookie mistake to open the Inbox with new messages in it. That's how he knew I had been looking. That in itself was THE Love Buster. If he knew and I never came clean, what then? In some ways it's better this way isn't it?

Note: He is not informed about MB and has no knowledge about "snooping" or what MB says about "privacy" in marriage. Most people would view the snooping and the marital privacy just as he does if they haven't been educated like we have.

Just now, we had a "confrontation" on this...but I am happy to report that it was much different than others we've had in the past and recently...which were very one sided - him basically loud talking me and mentally / emotionally strong arming me into backing down from my POV.

This time I said my side of things without being afraid of his angry reaction. And here it is:


I was prepared for him to threaten to divorce me again and I didn't care. I was SO ready to say this (practiced it)


But guess what? I didn't have to say that.

He looked at me in a surprised way, then he said that I should have just asked him what was up. And I said I should have asked directly but I was afraid of his reaction at me looking into the messages. He reminded me that we spoke before about being O & H. I said yes - I have been doing that; however, this was a chanllenging one for me. I am going to make mistakes just like you." He then started in with the "You shouldn't have been looking in my phone...stay outta my phone" crap. He also tried to accuse me of lying about why I finally decided to find out about the text message exchange. (I told him I was pushed to do it because of a discussion I had today with a "friend." (Well - it was the discussion here amongst my MB friends which compelled me to ask. I just couldn't stand it any more.) I let him know that the compulsion to ask due to a discussion today was very real. After all, I have known about the exchange for a few days and I said nothing.

I also said


Then we were looking at each other for a few weird and silent seconds. I said "This is me being honest." and he said "This is the new you." (Referring to my progress with Individual Counseling.)

I asked him how long he thought he would be mad and he said "For as long as I need to be." I smiled & asked him if he would let me know when he was no longer mad. He said maybe maybe not & then he asked me to leave the room.

Now he's playing with our son.

Yes, he could..

WOW. I need to write apology letters to ALL of my friends. This is what I sounded like 2 years ago when my WH gaslighted me and then took it underground. I can see myself in everything you are writing right now. I am going to have to post my whole story on my thread from the 2 years BEFORE I found MB.

Chris, you are very strong in your convictions and you are very protective and defensive of your posts and your H. That shows great strength.

I find you very interesting and I am sure I am going to learn a lot from watching your sitch. Thanx.

And he still didn't have to explain the text message....

All you talked about was "you" and what you did/didn't do wrong...

From my earlier POV, I would be afraid of his angry reaction. Now - not so much if something more is found. If there is nothing going on, the discovery of my snooping another time would be a MAJOR LB because he is not vested in MB...knows nothing about it other than what I am showing him by cleaning up my side of the street.



I am thinking computer snooping but I am going to have to be EXTREMELY careful about it.

And you are tiptoeing around until he's done being "mad"....

He uses his "anger" to control you. And make you live in fear.
Its a very abusive strategy...

Yep.

He totally blocked me on that, and he would not admit it was inappropriate!

All I got was what ws shared earlier: She is a friend's girlfriend and it wasn't anything serious.

Sounds like BS.

Sorry I misunderstood. I thought that you were BOTH doing MB. I must have gotten my wires crossed. Happens sometimes.

I only meant what were you afraid he was going to do when he found out you were snooping. Would he threaten you with D? That kind of thing.

He was physically abusive in the past. Now that is not an issue; however, I agree with what you have said here.

Nope.

As he said - This is the new me: I will no longer be afraid of his anger. I am behaving as if his anger is not there.

I released all the negative feelings and energy I had in that conversation.

Nope - I said several times during that conversation that the text message exchange was inappropriate.