My W is planning on moving out soon (signing a lease on 04 May), reasons = "I'm not happy" and "I don't love you". I have been doing Plan A without the stick and not knowing it for over a month now, I think I have a stick but I'm not sure how to swing it. She was in a PA with a former good friend before our marriage. I found out about an EA a few months after we married and the birth of our only son (5 years ago). The EA was with a co-worker and she said that it was over when she found out she was prego. It resurfaced three years later in the form of a very sexually themed mucic CD, (it was all the OM, she had no intest in him). Now she wants to leave and has no interest in any counseling. Thoughs?

Is she a serial cheater? When you say she was in a PA with a former friend before your marriage, what do you mean? Was she married? Was the friend married?

Does she still work with her OM?

No, neither of the two were married but we were dating at the time. She told me that the OM did not work there anymore. I suspect that either he was replaced by another co-worker or it still active. I can't proove this, I think she has gotten good at hiding things after the CD came up.

I suspect that the OM was replaced because she talks about another man at work like she did with the previous OM, and there has been oportunity for a PA.
I went away for a year for military duty about 5 months after the discovery of the CD. It has been 6 months since I returned.
She is not receptive to hardly any of my Emotional support, they are either ignored or viewed as though I am making up for lost time. Too little too late type of thing.

NW:

Heres a thread to read that might be helpful:>> TB's struggle

There is also a thread by SickofLimbo>>> SoL's thread who is a military guy fighting for his marraige. That has some good stuff.

Sorry you have to be here. Your in the right place to fight for your marriage.

Thank you for your service. We can't say that enough.....

LG

Thank you, I owe SoL more than I can imagine right now.

I have a few questions.

1. Can I use the previous A's as ammo for a reveal? I would have to reveal over email and I'm hoping that her other co-workers may chime in with more ammo. If there is current evidence I think it would be on her work email/cpu, I have no access to that.
2. If she leaves, can she take the kid and household goods from the house with my approval? I know every state has differant laws. No legal paperwork has been filed and neither of us has seen a lawyer to my knowledge, (I know...I will).

I'm ready for action, I started looking inward two years ago and I am a much better person now than I was then. I only wish that I knew of MB then.

If she has moved on with her emotions more than once, it is going to be really tough to get her back. See a Lawyer ASAP, please.

How old is your child. You are absolutely sure it is yours?

She sounds hooked on infatuation brain chemicals.

Larry

He is 5 years old. It's funny you ask if he's mine. I first found out about the EA about 4yrs and 9mos ago. I got a call out of the blue from a female asking me if I knew who my child's father was. I thought, "What is this crazy person asking me?", of course I know who the father of my son is. She went on to say that I was lucky that my child wasn't black and hung up. Then the shock hit me. When I pushed the issue w/WW she admitted that she was guilty of "flirty emails" with this co-worker and that was it. She appologized and said that she stoped the emails when she found out she was prego. Fast forward three years and I find the CD. I confronted her and I think I really caught her off guard bcause she had no idea what to say and she knew that I noticed her reaction. She told me that the OM made the CD for her and she did nothing to encourage the gift. I kind of feel sick about this but after I confronted her about the CD, I was the one who was feeling guilty. Like I was a bad person for snooping and not trusting her and she feels like she's in a cage. Short of DNA testing I am sure I am the father, to be honest I would not want to do that. Ignorance is bliss on this issue.

I'm assuming this was a hint someone was sending you about who she was cheating with and not some racist remark by your friend.

That being said:

You're in massive danger of losing your rights as a father if you don't take immediate action to protect them. If you let her move out with your kid, then you will be fighting a losing custody battle to get a scrap of visitation time.

What do you do?

You don't let her take your son. You warn her that any such move will result in immediate action on your part and that you will get a lawyer if necessary. If she wants out, then she can leave. You and your son are a family that won't be separated willingly.

If you let her leave with your son, then you will be setting yourself up for visitation and weekend dad status.

This is a time to fight. It's counterintuitive, but ticking off your WW is the way to save your marriage. Not making anything easy on her is the road to saving things, as far as your rights as a father go, but appeasing her will only have you end up divorced and with scraps of time with your son.

Trust me, I speak from experience. I was so afraid of my WW's anger that I gave in to all her demands "to give us a chance down the road" (her words) and "to make things amicable" (pure fantasy).

You are in a fight. The fight is for your marriage first, your rights as a father second.

Others can weigh in on the marriage front. I can help on the legal one (since I fought a grueling one for rights to my kids).

Your greatest mistakes are made up front when you're in a state of weakness emotionally.

DONT LET HER MOVE OUT WITH YOUR SON!

And CALL A LAWYER tomorrow morning. Make an appointment. See if there is someone in town who specializes in Dad's rights. Get tough and stay tough. Otherwise, you will be hung out to dry, just like Help said.

Larry

Now_what...listen to whats being said regarding your child. You WILL get stuck with "daddy minimum" if you let her take your son out of the primary residence.

Its hard enough for dads to get a fair shake when it comes to visitation. Let her leave, but fight for your son. I hope you can reconcile your marriage, but do for your child right now.

Yes, the caller wanted me to know who my WW was having an affiar with. She told me his name also. I think that is the only reason why my WW admitted to it. I ended up emailing the OM after the discovery of his gift. His reply was very threatening and he told me to never, never email him again. So I didn't.
Sharing this has brought up many bad feeling towards my WW and how I handled the A. It was two years ago this happened and until yesterday I was in denial. I know that I am very emotional right now and I don't want to make any rash decisions.
I haven't contacted a lawyer yet because I don't want to do anything that would push her farther away, but I know diferantly now. Thank you for the support.

This is exactly what paralyzed me. I was afraid that taking action would ruin things further. Here's the reality you must understand: She needs to know that the path of divorce will neither be easy or amicable. There is no "nice" splitup and the last thing you will do is roll over and let her take your son.

Trust me when I tell you that what you need to do will feel wrong. She needs to respect you, and being a doormat that rolls over and lets her have things without a fight is NOT the way to go. It's the path to being a part time dad.

This woman sounds like a lost cause, given the short length of time you've been married and her multiple infidelity.

My advice is to lawyer up and get custody of your son.

First thing you need to do is gather your evidence and start spying.

I echo the advice of fighting for your son. I was able to negotiate 50/50 shared custody with my exWW due in large part of the bitter lessons learned by folks like HTLD.

Some things you need to consider:

1. What's your work schedule? A schedule that is in line with normal work hours is ideal for a Dad to get shared custody. Judges are familier with 9-5 and typical daycare arrangements.

2. If your lawyer says you don't have a chance at 50/50 custody, find a new lawyer. The lawyer is just looking for something quick and easy to run up billable hours with minimal effort.

3. There is no such thing as an amicable divorce with a WW. Just the very act of them having an affair shows they have no respect for you. Rolling over and falling on your sword will just sentence you to 15 years of begging and pleading with your WW for scraps of time with your child.

I was in your shoes too. Give WW an inch, she will take a mile. I learned that lesson the hard way. Now, twenty months out since D-Day, I have 50/50 shared custody, but she has been found in contempt of court 3 x's so far. I do not let her get away with anything.

What HTLD and PSU said. . . I totally agree.

Hoist up a pair and fight for your kid, period. My first marriage was back in the day when a dad, any dad, took it in the shorts. Along comes a stepdad who screwed up my kid so bad, he is now near worthless as a human being. He might have been anyway, but I know what stepdad did that could have been a contributing cause.

So, budget whatever it takes all the way down to one meal a day and a snack if you have to. That WW of yours is going to try to use you like a cheap towel. Don't let her.

Larry

NW- I know it's tough to hear, but you need to look at the reality of your situation. Try to detach emotionally from it all and veiw the situation as if it was somebody else. What advice would you give that person?

Thank answer is your instinct.

Try to figure out exactly what you want in your life and realize you may not get everything you want (healthy marraige with mother of your child). It is time to shake the cobwebs out and fight to keep your family together. At least you and your son.

Next step is to listen to the words of experience you will find on this site and take ACTION.

-Decide what you want in your life

-Call the lawyer (most offer initial free consultations)
-Continue to read the materials here, especially on Plan A & Plan B

-Stand up for yourself, your marriage and your son

-Continue to work on your own self improvement and become a better man

-Start gathering information as best you can (snoop). Knowledge is power and you need to know exactly what you are dealing with.

-Keep posting and share what is going on here. You will be amazed with the help and how your situation is not unique

-Don't slow down, instead think things through. You need to always remain calm and self-assured on the outside, even if you are a mess internally.

I too am very sorry you are here, but since you are in this situation, I'm glad you have found this site. I can't express how much this support and guidance has helped me during this time. You know I am here for you.

I understand that you're in a complete state of shock. In many ways, you're in a state of denial and disbelief. This is why she has the advantage. She's thinking on a completely different field than you are. She's emotionally already separated from you and indifferent to your pain. You, on the other hand, are in shock, denial, and in a state of trauma where you're hoping that this will disappear and things will go back to normal and you'll get your wife back.

Abandon that fantasy right now. It's not going to happen UNLESS you do what you need to do. Part of getting your wife back, if it happens at all, is growing a pair and being a man. This means that you act cool and calm, first and foremost. Think James Bond or Bruce Lee. They were calm men in the face of bad situations. Bruce took action when necessary, but was otherwise super calm and showed little emotion.

You may be inclined, as I was, to be weepy and whiny. This is a MAJOR turnoff. Don�t do it. Being calm is more unnerving to your WW. It also establishes that you're a man to be dealt with, not to be trampled on.

Speak calmly at all times. Don't ask about her thoughts on the marriage. The reality is that she doesn't care.

Part of what you need to do, whether you wish to save your marriage or not, is expose. Gather your evidence and expose the affair. Be forewarned that she will absolutely hate this. Read the other threads by the other men who have exposed. The response by the WW'es is nearly universal.

But you CANT, CANT, CANT allow her to leave the house with your son. This establishes precedent, primary custody for her, and puts you at a disadvantage. If she leaves with your son you need to take immediate action to get a court order to return the child to the marital home.

Talk to a lawyer. It doesn't hurt and she doesn't have to know about it. He or she can explain your options.

If I were you, I would get a lawyer and file for for legal separation AFTER she signed the lease, but right BEFORE she moved out with an injunction keeping her from taking the kids or the property with her. Sure, it will piss her off, but it will give you a better chance of staying married and keeping custody.

Wow! Thank you so much for the input. It is very well recieved.

A little more background info:
When we first talked about the big D, we (I was a doormart) were both in agreement as far as the boy. WW doesn't want to keep him from his daddy and will do 50/50 custody. At the same time though I told her that I would support any decision she made as far as leaving and give her child support. Since then I have told her that I do not want her to leave (like James Bond) and I made a pretty good case, she almost agreed to hold off on moving out and seeing a MC or any help. I also told her that I would not be as supportive as I originally told her. She was in deep thought and didn't answer so I walked away (like Cool Hand Luke) and left her to her thoughts. That was about five days ago and haven't talked about it since. We have normal conversations otherwise. We almost get along better now than before the big D talk. Maybe because she thinks she can eat all the cake she wants now and not gain any weight (maybe I got that backwards).

I talked to a lawyer today. Basicaly she can take the boy with her when she moves out. I could then go to her new place and if the boy answers the door I could take him back home with me. Since we are both legal guardians right now, either of us can take him anywhere we like as long the other knows of it and it is not out of state. This sounds like legalized kidnapping to me.

I bought some spy tools yesterday, a car GPS and DAR. They should be here soon. I can't help but think if what she told me about the OM and the EA is right. I don't have any evidence since the gift. I have access to her yahoo and she hasn't said anthing in emails about an A or the OM since then. That is why I think she does most her coorespondence on her work email. My biggest evidence is her willingness to just walk away without seeing any professional help, and how she thwarts my emotional support (and her past). My logic tels me she has been having an EA at least, but yes, I must know for sure. I feel so used and played looking back at it all. I never had a chance in this marriage.

Do you know for sure that the original OM is no longer working with your wife? If you are uncertain, I would call the office and ask for him, disguise your voice if necessary. If they say he no longer works there, I would suggest trying to get information on when he left, where he went etc. It seems a little strange to me that he would send the CD if they have had no contact.