This is so hard...

Got a phone call for easter, he got to talk to my kids even my youngest. I asked if they do anything special there, and he said no not really just dinner (I should have asked what they served lol). Then I asked if he took care of what I asked him (other FB page). He gets angry because he says he doesnt have the luxury to get online whenever he wants to, not with the lines so long and hes so busy. I told him fine then let me take care of it for you that's when he gets really agitited.

It wasn't a very good conversation- he said he feels like he's being blackmail to do this, etc and that he doesn't want to come home for R &R. He said he wants to tell me so much but he doesn't want to upset me or be depressed and sick. And that non one wants to contact him right now he's just too much drama to have as a friend (I said this is not about just a friend) But he still feels the same way and he even said he soemtimes just want to tell them to take his rank just so he doesn't have to do this. I told him it's not me who wants his rank, it's what he did that is risked it not me. He told me not to tell him I love him and miss him and all that, and I told him well I do. He said he'll just call less because no matter what we say it won't change how he feels. There was more said I dont remember right now. He did say go ahead and go to the chaplain and command. He said he didn't want to talk about this right now especially on Easter when I'm trying to be happy for the kids.

My heart is breaking.

He did say towards the end to give him 12 hours to take care of it and that it will be done by the time he calls again. And he did apologize for raising his voice. He said I was right, that's how he feels right now about R&R because he's angry but what if 4-5 months from now it's still the same?

Sigh. I know it's been a little bit over a week since he said there's no contact. So I do have time to get back into his heart. I cant expect change right away. I want to get into recovery and I know it's going to take time...it's just so much eaiser to get over an A when I know he loves me. I know how hard it is to get through the fog, did it myself. I have to have patience and loving him even though it's hitting a wall.

Happy easter everyone...

Yea, well, I am unimpressed with what he says. He IS changing right before his very eyes. In the quite of the night, he is alone with his demons and he has fewer and fewer memories of the OW and more and more about you and the kids. Keep on keeping on.

Larry

Larry is on point.

You keep doing exactly what you're doing.

But no "I love you, I miss you" talk. Do not respond to his comments about the relationship or his feelings. Just your standard (and brief) reply about your desire to keep the marriage and the family together. Remember? We talked about that...

SG,

Just for ammunition, my nephew is deployed in Iraq as I write this. He is on Facebook daily. Next time he uses lines and not being to get online as an excuse, call him on it. Ask him why so many others are able to get online daily. Tell him you hear other wives saying their spouses are able to be online.

Regards,

BB

BB-That is good ammo.

I knew it sounded off to me. It set off major and don't forget that he somehow had been in contact with OW out there. I didn't think it would have been on the phone. Besides, he won't let you deactivate the account. You will still have to check though because Facebook accounts can be deactivated and reactivated all of the time.

It also bothers me that he keeps bringing up you going to command, like he is calling your bluff.

He's not in Iraq -hopefully this doesn't interfere with OPSEC but he's in Kuwait will be in Iraq shortly. He has been pretty good at telling me his schedule for the next couple of days, and tells me when he should be able to call. I know things will be different when he is in Iraq just because of experience.

I realize telling him the I miss yous and I love yous aren't good right now...ok short responses to anything relationship related...got it. Rereading schoolbus's post and will follow that.

Got a short phone call last night - he said believe me I want to get the facebook thing gone so I can prove to you that nothing is goine to change. I said one of us is going to change, if not you then me.

Just finished meeting with my doula, who will accompany me during birth. I ended up telling her about this situation, since she asked if there is anything going on that she should know about. Wanted to share that I'm relieved to know I have someone to be with me when I do give birth in a month or less. Met with my back up sitter for my kids last Friday so that's another less thing to worry about.

It's a start of a new week! I intend to make it a good one. Another day that passes brings me another day closer to a recovery and a happier marriage

Smiley,

Some troops don't have reliable or predictable access to the Internet and / or the phone, and some do. Your goal is not to call him a liar, but to express your interest in working on the two of you working together towards creating a happy marriage when he returns.

I believe you said that the Chaplain / Command will require him to call once a week. If that doesn't occur you contact THEM.

When your H calls, NO LBs...ENs only. No heavy relationship talk.

Comprende?

I got another phone call today unexpectedly. He never calls me this late(his time anyways) and so I was caught off guard.

I was happy to hear from him. I was telling him I won't bring up anymore relationship talk unless he wants to. I was going to be open minded, not make him feel bad and not judge.

Well he said he wanted to talk about our relationship. he doesn't want to wait the entire year to "discuss our relationship." He wants to talk about it every conversation. I told him okay I do want you to be honest with me how you feel, etc. So he was.

Basically said nothing is going to change. The problem is he has no love for me, blah blah blah.

It was a 30 mintue converstation, I tried to be okay but I cried. I don't know how I got sucked into it but obviously I didn't follow the advice to "save it when he gets home". It's like his mind is set.

I mentioned the A a coule of times and he wants to make it clear that it's not about her blah blah, the problem was he settled for me when we got back together (yes he did say that when we first got back together and I was just tired of fighting so I was okay with that), that it's like a contract.

He keeps bringing up the "what if" what if 5-7-8 months - a year from now he still feels the same way? I am like well we can't do that what if I get run over tomorrow? Who knows what will happen.

ANyways more FOG talk. Only difference is I didn't cry at the end of the converstaion I feel like I"m taking what he says right now witha grain of salt. He's not thinking rational (made the mistake of tellng him that - said who in their rational mind use money we don't have and instead of visiting his family, or instead of using that on our vehicle...and he admitted he's was thinking com;pletely of himself. I was like well then how can I take this seriously because you are thinking of yourself right now...ugh I shouldn't have said that!) Anyways he said once again he will file at the end of this deployment and I said I think you already established that no need to tell me again. He did say if little things change then no he won't but it's highly likely he will be going to the barracks when he gets home. We talked about me being pregnant and he was getting agitated because he thinks we shouldn't have gotten pregnant so soon - we weren't in the right place financially. I was like well you wanted to have the baby with me at this time last year and to be honest if I wasn't on birth control we would have had her sooner.

I need to reread His Needs her needs, Lovebusters all over again. On the last chapters of SAA.

I finally got a grip of myself and was like divorce is still not an optionn with me and I will do what it takes to save my
marriage, got off the phone to get the kids.

Funny though like I said I know it's just Wayward Fog talk. I know he wil come around. He is hell bent on "proving me wrong" and "being right". I asked him is it more important to be right and he said yes it is very important to be right - told him I'd rather be happy.

Anyways he wants to discuss our relationship now with very phone call just so I can see he won't change his mind. When I start talking about what we need to do he gets angry - I was just saying we need to be sure that no stone gets unturned and we really tried but...

Yea i can see where I went wrong again. I swear I need to have this page up to read everyone's advice all over again.

He even had the audacity to say he's getting bored talking on the phone with me about this.

I had just finished telling him that talking to him is like a brick wall when his mind is made up like this. Talking like this doesn't help we talked all last month and it didn't help- then again he was seeing her.

Okay off to finish my reading....I obviously need to brush up my no lovebuster skills and fulfilling his Emotional needs.

It's really hard to do most of his ENs when he's not here. I have to tell myself he's in the FOg right now, justifying his A with his "don't love you talk, don't care about you talk."

His "honesty" hurts but then again he will say a lot of stupid hurtful things to me right now.

One good note - he did get rid of that extra FB account finally.

Ok, I shouldn't laugh. He is arguing more with himself than with you. He is trying to shed his guilt and shame. Don't help him do it by a discussion. Stewing in his own mental garbage is good for him.

Some expert on here who understands fog babble help this lady out. She needs some canned words she can fire back to help hubby roast upon his own petard.

Larry

STOP THE RELATIONSHIP TALK.
It's like you're trying to sabotage yourself.
Why did you even TELL him you weren't going to talk R talk?
What EN of his does that meet?

Read up on DJs.

Next time he wants to talk R talk (IF he even brings it up... he was probably just angry because you brought it up yourself) then say "I do hear what you're saying...oh! I forgot to tell you, they're putting in a new XYZ store near here, won't that be convenient?" or bring up some activity he loves and how you can't wait to do that w/him when he gets back. Or "I can understand how you'd feel like that/want to know that...oh, by the way, the hedges look great the way you trimmed them before you left. They're filling out great now that it's Spring and the place just looks fantastic. Thank you for doing that."

Change. The. Subject.

If you don't, you get sucked into arguing with him or trying to "educate" him. You can't meet enough ENs to offset those LBs. So don't engage in them.

Don't engage with him dont engage with him don't engage with him...

change the subject.

Writing this down on post it note by the phone so that I can remember when he does call.

I'll be reading the thread Larry thanks.

Trying to educate him does not HELP.

I don't want to sabatoge myself.

You're getting it.
You *were* caught off-guard, after all.
Next time you'll be prepared.

Atta girl, go get 'em tiger, pip pip, etc.

You sneaked in a spelling change on your name, too, didn't you?
Thought we wouldn't notice, eh?

You know, it might not hurt to jot down some crib notes about what you can change the subject TO. Thoughts that come to you off and on during the day/week. Then when he calls and starts trying to bait you, you can just glance at your list and grab some great topic du jour.

I figured I should change the name...it's my usual SN and if anyone got the idea to google it this page could come up.

Good idea about my list..I could start that now.

On the phone now.....?? again???

He's so frustrating

Tried the whole reverse babble

Changed the subject

got him more agitated but that's fine.

He said he wants me off any credit cards he has with me. I told him he doesn't have any credit cards anymore we cancelled them when i paid them off (THANK GOD I DID- learned my lesson from last time). I told him I am on his home depot card but I don't want anything from Home Depot .

He wants seperate bank accounts and I told him we DO have sperate accounts. Told him to make it easier he should just change the passwords to his bank account. I can still pay our bills with our joint, but I wouldn't take me off of his joint because I can't pay the bills and e started saying "who pays the bills b****". I agreed with him and said yes you do pay the bills. and then I changed the subject to the kids.

He got really angry about my fakeness, trying to be all positive.

I asked him if something was wrong because he sounded really agitated and he said you think you have it so hard. I said is something wrong, are they giving you a hard time at work and he said no no one is. I said well I'm here to listen

Everytime I brought up the kids he got mad that I am changing the subject because I dont want to talk about what he wants.

Says he wont call me if I keep interupting him and I told him i really hope you do call the kids like hearing from him, I like hearing from him. They were excited to hear from him (no not realy they barely talked to him for like a minute).

ANyways now he says he won't be coming home from R&R- I said wow that's a big decision to make not even 2 weeks into deployment and we'll see how it goes later. That wasn't really reverse babble talk there was it?

He called because he was just thinking about the next entire year and how he doesn't want it to be like this....I said me neither and changed the subject to bank stuff.

I clearly have more reverse babble reseasrch to do.

Any thoughts?

Takes practice and time and learning.

"I don't want to be like this."

"Good, I don't want you to be like this." dont say either. . .

Larry

He thinks I'm making him into a big joke and that I'm being fake. I aksed him if I should be crying? You don't want to haer me cry anymore on the phone especially when I don't make sense when I cry.

Oh yea he said he won't call in a week and I said I really hope you do call kids and I will love to hear from you and then I said I have to go and hung up.

Oh now he said don't send him anything when I changed the subject to me and the kids senidng him a care package. He said if we do he will just throw it away. I said okay but so far it's just things that you have asked me to send you I think that is important...then he said okay send that but anything else. and that he gave me teh address so the kids can send him letters.

Weird another phone call.

This time he sounded calmer. He called to ask one question- I guess he just got off the phone with his parents. They asked if he was okay and if we were stil fighting, and he said yes. They said something about me going to the command and how I said soemthing about child support....he wanted to know what I told them.

I don't remember telling his mom that (because I talked to her before I talked to my chaplain who told me about the loss of rank) but I may have talked to his dad about the loss of rank and pay. I said how they told me to calm down, but I honestly don't remember saying anything about child suppport because that would be talking about Divorce and I made it clear to both that I don't want a divorce.

He said if I didn't say it then okay i didn't and that he wasn't mad. I asked if he is better because he sounded a lot calmer and he said he calmed down but he's not better.

Asked if he is going to call soon, and I really hope so. Told him to be careful, and get some sleep I know he has a busy schedule, and that I do care about him. And to call us soon. K talk to you later and hung up.

Still reading thread, and taking notes. Decided in order to be effective I can't sound "sarcastic". and a simple "Okay" is enough.