Smiley,

I want you to think about something...You are receiving MULTIPLE calls. In fact you are receiving MORE calls since he said he said he wasn't going to call very much anymore.



He is in Full FOG mode.

YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL. (Rather, you can be IF you can manage your emotions.) NO RELATIONSHIP TALK & NO INQUIRIES AS TO WHEN HE WILL CALL AGAIN. No revealing what you said to others during EXPOSURE...except to say something like -
We have advised you many times: NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. I am so glad you are trying to follow that.


Here's something which will help keep you calm enough to handle more "surprise" phone calls.

Write out your Plan A here in this thread and read it twice a day until you have it memorized....and even after you have it memorized. Your plan A should have info such as how you're going to meet ENs and eliminate LBs (with examples).

Can you do that Smiley?

Smiley I have to go. My H is actually clamoring for more UA time...Go figure.

Please read all of the advice and support you have in this thread.

We are with you Smiley! You can do this.

I'll check back later if I can.

Yea Chris i can do that...sounds like a good idea.

No asking if he will call soon...got it. I can just say when we are saying good bye hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks Chris...spend time with your H

If reverse babble is more better in Plan B than A, should I continue to try it?

I dunno how you could do reverse babble in Plan B, because Plan B is no contact or talking to WS. You don't have to make reverse babble a full time deal, just hauled out for special occasions when the fog really gets dense or WH gets dense, take your pick.

Larry

Okay he must be UP at this time and online because he did what I suggested and Changed his password to his bank account.

Not only that he changed his security question, email address to another one that I didn't know about. That would be 2 in the last 2 weeks?

I dont know how I feel...like I don't have control over the money anymore he could just transfer when he wants and when he wants unless I get it first...

This is him being vindictive.

He already said he doesn't want me to not have money to pay the bills. I shouldn't jump the the conclusion that he is doing that to me but I'm sorry why the sudden change?

Well whatever I still have POA so I can still see what's going on if I have to request written statements.

Anyways what can I expect this IS his account. I don't need access to his accounts. that's fine. I can access our joint, and with our joint I can pay for the bills that are associated under him. So really...shouldn't be a big deal right?

I'm all kinds of emotions right now. For someone who's had a hard time these last week to take care of this he sure is online right now.

I was just up and reading about Plan A so I can write my plan A....then i get all of these messages to my email addresses that he changed all of these things.

Emotion rollercoaster.....

Plus it was ME who gave him the idea so I shouldn't be mad...

Okay so how should i react when he calls?

let him know that I know he changed it and be happy he listened to my advice. Then drop it. As if it didn't hurt me.

AND noncholantly bring up his new email address...tell him I'm going to forward the kids' weekly updates to that email address too. HOwever we were under the agreement that he only has his work email address...so should I bring that up? that is one of agreements from earlier when I asked him to get rid of his other email. Is it wrong for me to question is this how he plans on keeping in touch with her?

Smiley-

I just read your thread. I think you are doing outstanding! It seems as though your H is deep in the fog still. Is there any way to simplify your communication plan with him? Say a call every three days at a certain time? I just think for yourself, you seem to be totally reactionary with him (understandably so).

Be aware that some time between communications would be good too. It will give you both some time to think.

I don't think you ever notified his commander. Keep in mind that reduction in grade and forfeiture of pay are just a couple of several punishments. He may also get restriction, letter of reprimand or my favorite, extra duty. Depending on his rank will also determine who may impose the punishment. If the commander is aware of the financial issues, he may go with a non-financial route.

If it is your plan to Plan A him while he is away, then read and re-read the carrot and stick of Plan A. There are many things you can do while he is deployed. Remember the hardest part (for me anyway) -- NO EXPECTATIONS.

No I didn't notify his command...my chaplain talked to his chaplain that's over there = got called out in front of everyone and so it seems that everyone that matters knows that something is going on.

Yea there has been some time between phone calls but usually the phone calls have been light, about the kids etc especially int he beginning when he was worried about my health and my stress levels. I really don't know what he's doing now...but I do need time to think and process things.


And yes the plan is to Plan A during deployment and NO R talk over the phone - change the subject.

You are very strong and you are doing the right things. I am so sorry you are in this mess to begin with.

I can't sleep...I"m getting worried as to WHAT he is doing...is he really going to mess around with our money so I can't pay the bills? I mean he SAYS he won't ever do that but he's acting straight out of vengence right now saying and doing thigns to hurt me.

I'm getting really worried and scared. this isn't how this is supposed to be is it? I think he's trying to "get back power and control"

He mentioned before how he could take away my cell phone, and then the cable and how he even said he could mess things up for me badly financially that I won't get any money that he could transfer moeny to another account that I won't know about or obviously get a hold of.

But he did just saytonight he won't take away my ability to pay the bills...sorry I'm just getting worked up and it doesn't help that I"m a month away from giving birh over here. Hormones are all over the place...

He won't do it. He is saying he could do it to try to get some control, which is as you say.

If he does do it, you know the route to fix that.

Larry

I wouldn't bring it up. I'd use that precious phone call time to meet his ENs. What are his top ones?


That would be a big fat DJ. Just say "You agreed to cancel FB and your other email address. When will that happen?" Then move on to less touchy topics.

If he has time to change his bank account password, he has time to cancel his email and FB. I wouldn't tell him that, it's another DJ (you would be criticizing how he chooses to spend his possibly very limited online time). Just keep the knowledge to yourself and use it to realize that he is full on wayward in thought still. That will change, but it does take time.

I, too, find it amusing that he keeps on calling you all the time. He's angry and he's trying to take back some of the power. You can use these frequent interactions to meet his ENs and portray yourself as a very attractive option, or you can talk relationship talk and ensure that as soon as he's free to he'll file for D.

Right now he's angry and trying to demonize you in all his thinking. Don't give him any ammo for that!

He says he doesnt HAVE any ENS that I could meet...But of course this is Wayward fog speak.

Okay so dont bring it up and use this opportunity to meet ENS.

I already established he cancelled his other email address - a hotmail one. I already told him I verified that's true when an email came back to me. And his FB page has been taken down. So saying "you agreed to cancel FB and your other email address" doesn't make sense unless I tell him that I know of his other email address.

So maybe not bring it up at all?

Sorry didn't sleep well at all

Waywards won't tell you their emotional needs. You have to take your knowledge of them to figure it out for now.

Most likely his top ones are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness and you can figure it out best

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Even on the phone you can address them. Be flirtatious (SF), talk about cool things you have done and places you are going, talk about new makeup you have worn (a fabulous shimmery lipstick or eye shadow you found) or a new perfume you adore or how you went on a long hike with a friend or joined a gym or so on.

No relationship talk for now. Plant the seeds of love. What would you talk about with a new boyfriend on the phone who was far away for a long time?

These phone calls smack of he and the OW discussing the end of the M... Sounds so much like he is spewing lies..."Our M is done... We are D'ing...I am just taking care of her financially..." and now he is backtracking to try to make his lies true. It is likely he has been telling the OW this all along and she is finding out the truth, so he is catching h*ll from her and having to make it so...

This is a common problem with separation in a M, through deployment or job moves, of making assumptions about your partner when they are not there. Please try not to go there...just stay a step ahead, not 14 steps ahead, it will drive you crazy...

His talk and activity smacks of continued contact with the OW. If he starts to "hurt" you financially you can go to the command and work out a plan that a good portion of his check goes to the joint account, can't you?

Here are some things you can say to him...

"I know you don't love me now, but you did love me once, and you can treat me with kindness now." Or "I am not your enemy, I still love you." or "I will always be the mother of our children and we can talk civilly to each other."

The way I see it is, he has to hate you in order for him to feel OK about the actions he's engaging in. He has to villainize/demonize you in order for him to not feel so badly about hurting you.

I agree when he is being nasty on the phone you can say "Treat me with kindness" or "I am not your enemy, I love you" or "Let's talk civily with each other dear"

The other stuff, I think is not great for sowing seeds of love right now..(my 2 cents on getting the most bang for the buck on long distance plan Aing for him to think of in any future plan B).

I plan on working on my Plan A to write down here and read to keep focus. I do like the "treat me with kindness" lines. He WAS doing that up until Sunday and Monday - Sunday started the R talk and as was yesterday.