NO. That's along the same lines as "When will you call again."

Try something like:

I agree Larry.

Smiley, I thought you went to his Chain of Command. If you had, he would not have had the chance to lock off the $ from you. It's terrible and an obviousl lashing out move because HE doesn't need the $ in the desert whereas you and your kids back home DO.

If he is cutting your access off to the $ you need to get the Chaplain to assist you with getting an allottment started if he can. If he can't, then he needs to tell you how to get that done. You'll need to take care of this asap. This will ensure you and the kids get what you need and it has the added benefit of calming some of your anxieties due to worries about $.

Damn. I do not understand why you would do that.

Those do sound a lot better - because it doesn't hold an expectation that he is going to talk to me.

Precisely.

I am not sure about the "I love you." talk which others have advised. I don't think we're supposed to say that in Plan A. We're supposed to SHOW it.

I haven't gone to Command - the chaplain talking to him in front of everyone was enough for him to stop the A.

I gave him the idea because he was telling me he wanted a seperate bank account. Just told him it's easier for him to change his P/w than to go through the trouble of establishing a new one. The one he does have is connected to our joint account - we have 3 checkings total - one for him, one for me and one joint for bills. Established that during the first deployment so I don't have to account for any "surprise" transactions.

I could stll have acess to it I just need to show my POA and ask them to send me the billing statements. They are currently "paperless' billing.

I wouldn't count on it....he is talking like a man who has taken his A further underground...

FWIW I agree with SHMI.
He's acting extremely foggy.
It *could* be the left-over entitlement of the wayward spouse but I suspect ongoing contact.

No way I can prove that now. I also think he is still angry that he is feeling blackmailed/trapped.

I have to see how the next few days plays out. I dont expect another phone call but he tends to surprise me.

If this does continue then I will go to command, no other choice. Plan is to go to JAG to be sure I do have enough evidence, and find out my rights. I havent gone yet because I didn't hear from him for awhile.

Get accesss to all the accounts. You have to take care of the household.

Please try not to focus on what he may be doing at the moment and what he's going to do as far as if he's going to call you. You'll go MAD.

I agree with turtle, he may still be in contact with OW; however the exposure ruined the fantasy...so it's only natural that he is mad. 10 points for you Smiley!

My Plan A

1) On the phone, I am to not bring up any marriage talk. This will happen when he gets back from deployment. I need to talk about what�s going on with the kids, myself, talk about what�s going on with the baby. I can ask questions about his life there.

If he tries to bring up our marriage, I agree to what he has to say and then change the subject. Ask about food - what did he eat that day. Ask advice for healthy eating for myself. If he continues to try to talk about it, I will remain quiet for at least 15 seconds and say Ok or don�t say anything at all. Then change the subject.

If he continues to be nasty towards me I can say the following

-I know you don�t love me right now, but please treat me with kindness
-I am not your enemy
- We can at least talk civilly towards each other.

I can encourage him to talk to me, be his confidante, and make the 20 minute phone call as comfortable as I can so he can open up if he feels like it.

Communicate in a calm reassuring voice, even when he�s angry with me. No sarcasm.

2) On the phone, I plan to eliminate the Lbs that I�ve been doing - disrespectful judgments, selfish demands and angry outbursts. I need to not react when he provokes me. I am not going to bring up the A or the OW. I will not engage him in a fight (AO) because that�s what he wants from me.

I will learn not to take his babble to heart. Instead I�ll process what he says later in my journal.

I won�t let him know that his actions affect me, especially the hurtful ones. I won�t retaliate in anyway

3) On the phone I will meet the ENS that I can
- admiration: a word of appreciation for something different every time he calls.
- family commitment : bring up something about the kids and how his presence (when he was home) affected the kids (how much they miss him, talk about him conversations I hear about him.
- conversations : develop interests in things he finds interesting/ his favorite topics (UFC, exercise - ask
for advice)
Inform, investigate and understandInform him about my personal interests, activities.
Ask him about his day.
Investigate his feelings, don�t criticize or ridicule
Understand what makes him tick - what makes him angry and avoid talking about it.
- honest and openness-

ENS that I can meet over the mail
- domestic support by sending him things that I think he needs.
- affection by sending him little gifts or snail mail just to let him know I am thinking about him.

ENS I plan to meet
- attractive spouse : plan on working out after the baby is born. Plan on looking nice should we do any go on webcam.
- recreational activities : be his gym partner. Be a frequent visitor to the gym so that when he gets back we can have that in common.
4) Focus on ME
Take better care of myself, my kids and my home
Continue to study the books that I have
- His needs, her needs
- Lovebusters
- Surviving an affair
- fall in love, stay in love

Take care of my Health so I can be a better mom
- drink plenty of water
- take anti depressants if I need to
- exercise (helps with self esteem)
- get plenty of sleep

Do things that will make me happy
Control my emotional outbursts when I do talk with him.

5) Focus on the KIDS
Spend time with each of them
Don�t let my marriage issues take my time away from them (stop obsessing)
Try to have more patience and not yell so much L
Take care of myself to ensure a good labor and delivery

6) Focus on the Future
Know what I want
Be prepared for the worse
Save a nice cushion to be prepared financially

Plan A effective until R&R

Be prepared to do Plan B.

Edits!

Other more experienced vets may see things differently though....

I thought that was reverse babble - agree, don't say much and then change the subject.

I want to add that I will end each conversation on the phone with

"It was great speaking with you"

"I'm glad you called"

"I enjoyed our conversation"

Just printed out a bunch of stuff for me to read, process and absorb. A lot of it was from the Notable Posts sections.

Also printed out my Plan A. Will be making additions/corrections as necessary.

By George, I think she's got it!!

You are getting the hang of it. Keep reading and learning. In the process, it will make you a better YOU regardless of how things turn out.

Yay, Smileygirl!! You can do this!!!

God's Blessings,

Say

Just a thought...rather than agreeing to his comments about the marriage you could try something like

I understand that you feel this way.

Basically acknowledging without agreeing KWIM?

Here's my favorite of what I printed out so far

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000431.html

Mostly the second post and I think also in the second page.

--

completely different tone of phone call this morning

Talked about stuff at home, made him laugh silly antics my son did yesterday that reminded me of him, told him of my braxton hicks contractions since I was stressing out, just normal talk. Then he was Apologetic, saying nothing is changed but said he just had a bad day and when I was doing my reverse babble he could tell something was wrong and well he got annoyed when I was doing that. He knows he was being mean and he was sorry ,and that this going to be hard for both of us since he has his points and I have mine...he did all of the talking though guys! I said okay. And I also agreed with him by saying we shouldn't make it harder. And I won't try to annoy him when he's mad (got a laugh)

Wont hear from him in 3 days. I expressed my worry about him over there and he assured me.

Did not mentioned the bank thing, nor the other email. I'll just send my kids weekly updates to that email address as well as his army one.

Decided to NOT send him the letter that I did write him on Sunday. I'm going to take advice from that post I just posted up and send him lttle stuff, funny stuff, a card - no talking about R or A or anything.

I read that no matter what if you are a Ws or BS if it's a lovebuster to them then don't don't it. So if I discover that my letters in the mail (not including his care packages) are a lovebuster then I wil stop it.

I have TIME to Plan A. It's like every day I can be like "what can I do today?" It can be working out, doing something fun for myself, make him a batch of cookies, playing a game with my kids, and everything I do will be productive to my Plan A. Plan A is about ME, doing things for me. It doesnt make me happy to do lovebusters especially when I know I'm doing them to the man I love. It will make me happy to show him I do care. Do I want to engage in fights? NO. Do i Want to speak of the A or of our R - no becasue now isn't the time for that.

he even told me to buy something that will make me happy whhen I told him about buying something for the baby when we get extra money He said don't even ask him about buying anything just get what I need. So my money scares were for nothing really. Well they are valid reasons to worry. I do need to educate myself as far as what he can do and what he can't so when he makes these dumb threats I won't stress over them.

Definitely agree with Chris' edits on how you phrase those key statements.

Also, I see your plan meets a lot of ENs that probably are not high on his list. I mean, is family commitment really high on his list? It usually isn't for men. For men it's *usually* SF, RC, and Admiration.

So flirt with him, tell an off-color joke if that's your style.

Admire him - you have that on your list. You might jot down one or two things and keep it by the phone so you won't blank out when he calls.

RC - talk about fun stuff you've been doing, stuff that's going on in the area that you know he'd enjoy and how much you anticipate doing things with him when he gets home. Take a pic of some fun activity and email it to him or print it and send it in a care pkg.

You can exercise now and it will make the delivery and recovery easier. Be sure to get a workout DVD for pregnant women, though, as some exercises shouldn't be done whilst you're expecting.