I have been reading from the forum for several weeks now and I finally have the courage to post myself.
To make a long story short, we had a married 31 year old woman staying at our house because she was unhappy in her marriage. I would go to bed and she and my husband would stay up till early in the morning talking. She was also a role model for my then 17 year old daughter. In November I checked the cell phone and he had 800 texts and 500 calls for the month from her. I hysterically informed him of what I found and told him "her or me". Big mistake, he picked her. It started as an EA but after I confronted it and unknown to me it became a PA. Our daughter started college in Jan. and I have been gone for at least 1 week out of every month since August taking care of my mother who has lung and uterine cancer. These trips and my daughter being gone enabled them to continue the affair. They ended the affair and he moved into an apartment - she is several states away for the time being. He is very nonconfrontational and would rather end the marriage than "fix" it. He told me that he didn't tell me he was unhappy because he "didn't want to hurt me"! HELLO!! So, by having the affair he thought I would leave and he would be free to marry the "love of his life" who by the way is already married to somebody else!! We are seeing a counselor and I have read 2 of Dr. Harley's books. We did the EN forms and it was a joke. He didn't read the directions and told me eveything I did wrong, but not how to meet his needs. That set us back further. We are having very little contact and I can't seem to keep my mouth shut about questions I may have regarding the affair. I know that my questions push him away but when can I ask them? We haven't met each other's EN's for many years, but I do want the marriage to work - for the sake of our kids at the moment. Any takers out there willing to set me straight?

Have you read Surviving an Affair - the book?

Have you read the synopsis here on this site?

That is where you start.

Have you exposed the affair and if so, to who?

Welcome to marriage builders, the club nobody wants to join.

Larry

Notme, have you considered going to a Marriage Builders weekend? It is a several week course that is kicked off with a 2 day weekend seminar. They give you all the questionaires before the weekend and assign you a coach who walks you through the entire program with phone coaching over the next weeks. You would also have daily access to Dr Harley.

If you could swing that weekend, it would be the fastest horse in putting your marriage back together.

Has your H ended all contact with the OW? Is he back home now? Does everybody know about his affair?

Does the other woman's husband have a clue about this adultery?

I have read Surviving an Affair and it the affair has been exposed to both families. They are not in contact and no he is not back home. We can't afford the weekend, but I am contemplating a phone conference (after I save up!). Our counselor is helping, but I am still feeling unwanted, unloved, and unrepairable. Is it really possible to "get it back together?"

He does. I told him of the EA last fall, but he didn't believe me. He informed me of the PA because she forgot to sign off of her email and he followed it.

Unfortunately (it's all unfortunate!) I had befriended her and she in turn mentored our daughter. She is everything I'm not - Young, energetic, cute, silly, and of course "the other woman". I am struggling with "moving on" so we can work on us.

Notme, why won't he move back home? Will he come home?

In order for this program to work, you both need to be spending 20+ hours per week of undivided attention, meeting these top 4 needs: sex, conversation, affection, and recreational companionship. Check out this thread:

thread about undivided attention

He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to close his "window of opportunity". He isn't sure that he wants to stay in the marriage and if he comes home he will be "trapped" again.

We have started talking a little, we hug each other when he leaves, and we did go hiking. We have not had sex. Neither one of us are there yet.

NotMe2,
I am so sorry you have found your here; but this is the place to be. Listen to what many of the people tell you here. Everyone offers great advice.
Unfortunately your story sounds exactly like mine; and mine is not going so well.
I recommend reading as much information on this website, it has so many free articles and information. Also, get Dr Harley's books and begin reading those.
I found comfort that I wasn't alone (although you feel like you are).

Thank you for your support. It looks like you have been going through this as long as I have! Any length of time is too long! I have been using Dr. Harley's books almost as a Bible. I hope that everything will work out for both of us.

This sure does not sound like the affair is over. What makes you think it is over? Have you been in touch with the OW's husband?

I have been in touch with her husband and she is not living at home right now. She is several states away. He is talking to our Bishop at church and has been told to have no contact and he is also pretty depressed so she isn't around stroking his ego. He says that he doesn't want to do "the right thing" he wants to do what's right for him.

So, they are probably still very active in the affair. THAT is why he doesn't want to come home. That is why she is not home.

Wow Mel, I used to be in awe of your perspicacity. But I read this thread and now it just seems you are stating the obvious.

Have I changed that much?

Its amazing how obvious it becomes after reading here for awhile, isn't it? Waywards are so much alike that its downright scary!

Ok, I hear what you're saying...but, I really don't think so. It all boils down to our religion and they are both afraid of the consequences if they continue the affair. He really doesn't think that I will change (?!) and I'm not sure he will ever meet my needs.

Assuming the affair is over (I know) how do we meet each others needs living apart. Basically I am probably doing plan B and not being the first to contact him. I will talk if he calls, but I try not to instigate any contact. We are both becoming comfortable living apart and this has me worried.

I was doing plan A from Jan. to Feb 14 when I thought that the affair was over. Now I'm just angry and hurt that he didn't get out when he was first discovered. We are definately at opposite ends of the scale when it comes to compatability.

Please, NotMe2, listen MelodyLane.

And believe me, when a person is in affair, no religion is strong enough to restrain him/her.

Of course they are afraid of the consequences. But your WH absence from home indicates that the affair went more underground. It would be much more complicated to carry on the affair from your home isn't it?

You need to to some snooping in order to get the truth. Start here

Wayward spouses are not "afraid" of religion. I am sorry, but that is a ridiculous statement. They just went further underground.

My suggestion would be PLAN B. You are not in Plan B. Read up on it and then go as dark as night. Plan B means NO CONTACT, not just a little contact that is begun with the Plan B letter in Surviving an Affair. Do you have that book?

p.s. I would first get the goods on the affair and bring it out into the open. I assure you it has not ended. They just went further underground.