Absolutely, TOTALLY, 100% agree. Call the Harleys for MC...it will help you avoid a FR.

P.S. And too bad for the OW...soooo many of them threaten this (ours did...it's a fantastic manipulation tool and a last-ditch, desperate attempt to hold on to something that they knew they never "had" in the first place).

Ignore her. Why does your H even know this??? There should be absolutely, positively NC or you are in for a nightmare of a FR.

hey pepper, going to book some therapy for me and us as a couple. I also have access to his accounts and will be receiving phone records I'm also thinking of putting a gps in his car to make sure there is no contact.......
I'm trying to believe he means what he says, but when something like this happens you doubt everything........I have left the door open for him to go all this time, he has chosen not to go and to end things with the OW. He has even had a conversation with his mother about working things out with me and he said they were all very happy that he had come to the realization that his marriage was the most important thing.......he is saying all the right things now, doing the right things, is very understanding when I question anything or ask any questions about his feelings about me, us the other woman, how he feels about himself........he is being honest even though some of it hurts, he keeps telling me that he will prove to me he is the man I used to believe in and that he understands now what he was about to lose and what he did was not worth any of the pain he has caused his family........
He said he is in love with me and that he was sorry he ever said he didn't love me.
I'm going to read the article on false recovery and I will of course keep my ears and eyes open.........trust will come in time, I didn't make any promises I said I would see how comfortable I can get with the new effort on his part, I told him I am ready to walk if anything else happens and he knows that I mean it.......we already have worked out all the details in a separation agreement and he is still paying me alimony while we work things out, my decision until I feel secure enough to re-connect on that level, he understands and realizes it's up to him to re-build the trust and security I need to feel...........
he says he sees and realizes what kind of woman I am and he will do what it takes to re-build.......
I'm sleeping with one eye open for now......

Yes they do and they just end up looking even dumber than the first time they dropped their panties.

thank god, thanks for all your help with my situation, you have always given me something to research and consider.

Do yourself a favor, jessi and don't even bother with traditional MC. We've seen countless cases around here (and I can personally tesify) to what a waste traditioncal MCs are in dealing with affairs.

Save yourself a boatload of grief and counsel only with the Harleys.

thanks for the advice, my hubby is away on a boy's golf holiday for a couple of days, when he returns I will discuss that options with him, I have read all the Harley's stuff and I have tried to follow the suggestions and just also did what I thought would work, I think giving him the freedom to go and being his safe place to be was the key. When he knew he would have the freedom to go if he chose to with the OW, it's like he didn't want to, I think if I had made him go, he might have gone with her because he would have no choice but to follow through on what he started, it was a big risk I know but I was willing to let him go if that is what he chose, when it came down to it, having the choice to walk isn't always what they want.........

Jessi.

Are you sure that the counseling is legit? Many of them are more divorce counselors than marriage. They are awful. Is it Christian based and if so, is it certified by Family Dynamics?

Here is the link for Dr. Harley's thoughts on selecting a marriage counselor.

Click me

Larry

hey Larry,
I haven't booked anything as of yet, but the counsellor I'm thinking about is a Christian Counselor. I live in Canada but I will discuss the options with my husband and see what we decide together, I'm thinking that he needs to go and figure out what in him made him go outside our marriage vows and I need to go to figure out how to re-build trust and we need to go so we can listen to each other and figure out together why and how we got to this point and how to fix and improve our relationship........I want to make sure it's all for the right reasons....

The Harley's cover every.single.one.of.these.concerns. And then some. And they do it with a tried-and-trusted PLAN that's worked for hundreds (thousands?) of couples. This is what they DO ~ help couples recover from affairs.

Why are you asking a WAYWARD what he wants to do in order to recover from his A??? His "best thinking" got him into this mess! This would be like asking an alcoholic what HE thinks the best plan for getting clean would be. How can a drunk decide such a thing when he's DRUNK out of his mind?

Hokay!

While I will ALWAYS recommend Dr. Harley's coaching center with either Steve or Jennifer, I have been told that Family Dynamics is authorized by Dr. Harley to certify counselors. They are in Tennessee, but they also have a Canadian Coordinator.

This is a Christian Organization if you prefer that route. I suspect that the Christian association is why Dr. Harley is working with them in some form. He seems to prefer a more secular approach for his own center, although I have seen references to his wife working within a Christian group, which indicates they are a Christian couple.

Do go the separate route as Dr. Harley recommends. You avoid confessing each others sins that way.

Larry

Now that I have the counseling thing out of the way, let me chime in with support for what marriedforever has to say about your comments.

I don't understand your comment, "for the right reasons."

If you are still searching for why he did it, I don't understand. Are you not in agreement with MB concepts on this? Have you read the concepts on why?

Also, the trust angle is also covered here. Have you read about that? What don't you understand?

Larry

married forever,
what I meant was which marriage counselor would work best for us...he has already agreed to the work ahead of us. He understands what damage he has caused and has suggested the help, he thinks we can't get through it ourselves and wants to get some great help so we can over come the trust issue now that face us.

hey Larry thanks for your response and help.
I guess I worded my statement the wrong way. I understand why it happened and what the two of us need to do now to make our marriage better and re-build the trust that we have damaged.....
I guess that's where faith and a great counselor will come into play, to give us the strength to not be afraid to trust and believe in each other again.......
I guess my fears just show through from time to time,

Well, hmmmmm.....

See, Dr. Harley says don't trust. You have read that part, right?

I dunno if he says it or not, but the only trust I think is appropriate in a marriage is the trust you have for the way you feel and the trust you have for the REASONS you feel the way you feel. ???

Or that you trust your mate to be good with the kids, or whatever, not trust they won't screw up, because if you trust too much there, you give them room to do exactly that, screw up. This doesn't mean you get up in the night and check underwear stains. It means that you take precautions that neither of you has the opportunity to jump the boundaries.

Lemme share with you something. I didn't trust my wife. I knew she was vulnerable (aren't we all), so I only trusted her with one person, one person only, my closest living relative, the last of my family except for me, who I trusted with my life.

Larry

Hi Jess! Hopefully this counselor understands that trust is NOT the issue but rather a lack of boundaries. You shouldn't trust your husband. It it too much trust that causes affairs. If people would trust LESS, there would be fewer affairs.

It is better to focus on establishing rational boundaries and setting up a lifestyle that makes it impossible [almost] to have an affair. For example, never spending the night apart again, having completely transparent lifestyles, avoiding all opposite sex friendships. This means avoiding risky behavior that leads to affairs.

*It is not a lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

ok, I don't see anything here that indicates he is serious about recovery. What causes you to believe he is serious? Traveling apart is an invitation to an affair. Has he ended his affair by sending the OW a no contact letter? What is your recovery plan?

I would suggest you are probably headed for a false recovery in the absence of any kind of rational plan.

oh boy.. This is bad.