I could take a much needed nap and then head on to family advocacy, as my counselor keeps suggesting.

I could see if anyone could get my kids so could go to that brief. But really there is no one...I do have a back up sitter. I could take them out of school and drop them off there so I can make it.

Decided to talk to chaplain first, seek his advice even though we know what's it going to be...

I won't ask him to email his chaplain yet though.

He pretty much said what I thought he would say.

Said don't expect the command to do much of anything to him because they have other priorities.

Can't stop him from calling her no matter what.

Can't stop him from emailing her

Can't stop her from sending him things

Since this is a cycle that we've been going through then maybe I need to think about what I really want to do here, because otherwise I would keep finding stuff and nothing is going to happen to him.

Sounds like there is no trust here even though things have been going well the last couple of weeks and yet I still try to find stuff (I told him only started to look for stuff when he started talking about taking me off his bank).

I have not yet asked him to email my WH chaplain yet..I told him I haven't decided yet if I want to do that. I asked if I decided to could I call him again and he said yes or email him.

Didn't seem to care that I found out her name, that she is in Basic Training for the Army, or that I even had the right name for the OW H - says there is no one by that last name in his brigade so not worried about it.

This is why you need to go to command-- in person and in writing with a copy to THEIR commander (or whoever so they can't trash it). The Army I know (my son's in the Army) doesn't tolerate open adultery. Your chaplain sounds very lazy.

He said it would probably be harsher if he was stateside but snce he is deployed they just have other matters on hand.

He said from his experience being deployed himself that seems to be the trend over there.

I do plan on calling the Rear D First and arrange a meeting with him. DO you mean a copy of their adultery to THEIR command as well?

Just like your WH told OW that you guys were separating?

I wouldn't believe it until I heard it from OW's H himself.

Looks like even my horoscopes are telling me to wait a little before dropping this bomb on him.

My horoscope for today
An opportunity presents itself that seems too great to pass up -- but you should still walk away from it. There are hidden risks that are almost sure to trip you up and for now you need to stay on track.

And another

"A situation or problem could by quite curious to you today, Virgo. Expect this to be something that defies analysis: stay objective and use your reason to break things down into smaller parts which are easier to deal with. Possibly, from that view, you can see how each component affects the other. You may be a specialist or expert, but you may be tempted today to manipulate others for personal gain. Just don't do it. It will only begin a cycle that drives you further from others, or causes you to disrespect yourself"

I have to wait anyways I want to go to JAG/Legal and I have to wait until next week....

BTW I just saw a study that while Cancers are more likley than any other to sign to cheat, Virgos are the most loyal..

Thought that was interesting too.

True, but if they are seperated her going to Basic training, her kids with her moms and H not in the picture, then it's most likely true...

Smiley,

It seems to me that the folks here who have saved their Marriages after an affair did a full blown nuclear exposure. For you & your H this seems to mean exposing to the Command since the Chaplain way has not resulted in NC for your H & the OW.

I'll defer to the comments the more experienced posted made / make though...Just thought I'd share my thoughts with you.

What!!!! This from a chaplain??? Your H is committing adultery, you check to see if he is telling you the truth about anything, find out he is still committing adultery and YOU have a trust issue???

Can you afford one session with the Harleys? Honestly Smiley, you need to quit reading horoscopes and do something positive to save your M. Have you read any of the threads where BS "decided" not to do nuclear exposure against the advice of posters and ended up in A limbo forever. (Shtoop comes to mind).

Just because adultery is the status quo in todays society, even with some clergy doesn't mean that you have to endure it. You have found a place that saves Ms. Don't cherry pick advice at this point. Please!!!

God's Blessings,

Say

If she has enlisted in the Army, I'd say that you could make her life hell on earth. That is another trump card for you, but proceed carefully. In the meantime, gather as much information as you can.

Try www.zabasearch.com. Enter her name and her state. If you can't find a male name with the same address as her, go to the bottom of the page where it says something like "Can't find OW?" Click on that, and you'll get an intellius page with a list of people with her name...AND the name of the people in the same household. You might be able to find her husband's name on that. If you do, then go back to the zabasearch page and input his name/state to find an address...and maybe a phone number for him.

Smiley:

I have followed your thread from day one. You have made amazing strides in a short period of time and I see signs you are continuing to move forward with the learning process. Yea, you backslide from time to time, we all do.

Your Chaplain has shared the reality of what happens in a deployed area with your type of situation. And the other military types have also shared with you that getting his direct enlisted boss on him is better even than Command, if that is possible. You hold Command letter as your trump card and I believe that is a good thing.

But don't hesitate to use it if you need to, your decision.

Meantime, you have worked to expose as much as possible and are digging to find more ways. Keep on digging and doing. You don't have a normal situation. Husband is deployed, he doesn't work down the street at X company. He isn't doing a fellow worker. The OW and her husband are hard to track down. You are still in information gathering mode and that is good as well. I hope your JAG session gives you more options.

One of the good things I have sensed is that husband is feeling the noose tighten.

Looks good to me, keep on keeping on.

Larry

Got back from family advocacy meeting.

Got a lot of referrals but here's what it is.

If my WH decides to tell me that he's going to take money away from me, he can't do that. The bare minimum he is going to entitled me is BAH, a little under 900. It's up to him - but if I have a written agreement with him or a court order it could be more or even less just depends.

I need to get a job for security

Get information from JAG as far as my rights

Basically get my ducks in a row before I go to Command, to be ready for the financial blows.

Plan to move from our home to something smaller, sell our furniture, and get used to another way of living and adjusting to live beneath your means, get another job. If I have to sell the vehicles and get one that's completely paid off.

Basially Plan A him, while I'm getting all this stuff done.

I know it's not a typical situation. YES I do have to wait in Plan A for a long time - Plan A long distance is HARD - actually almost impossible I have read other people's thread that have tried it.

In the meantime I can continue the monitor what I can, gather more proof even though he has told me there has been no contact

-I can log onto his FB page and see her profile adn see if she posts anything about him -if so then print THAT out as proof w/o either of them knowing because he has "deactivated it" (I reactived it, changed the email and password and deactivated it again so that only I can activate it.)

- I currently have access to his gmail account w/o actually having to sign in (I had the mail forwarded to my account)

- Any deposits and withdrawals to his checking account I will get notified by text message

WHen I do move (most likely over the summer) I dont plan on telling him.

In a way I"m preparing myself and saving as much money as I can. If he DOES get out of this fog GREAT if not hten at least I am preparing myself for divorce.

I"m sorry if it seems as if I"m dragging my feet on the exposure to my DH's command. Who is to say what Command will do anyways? I do want to and still plan to expose however I need to do be sure I'm okay financially, emotionally, etc.

I could really use the support here guys. Thanks.

You have my support Smiley

I think you're smart to get things in order prior to Exposing to the Command (if that's what it comes down to.)

I wanted to add that just because other people described Plan A long distance as difficult doesn't mean it's impossible. You have made so much progress so quickly, if anyone can do it - you can. Take another look at the suggestions which came up in the military room.

smiley

Its a plan!

You know you have my support.

Larry

When making and following a plan, it's good to keep this old saying in mind: "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."

That means to take care of yourself so that you'll be OK, no matter what.

Getting your ducks in a row is good. Once that's done, then you can take the necessary action.

Call me all hormonal and emotional for *tearing up* but this has been so hard on me - looking at these kids and knowing he's actually thinking about throwing us away for an infaution, real love for an idea/fantasy....I know he's so lost in the fog and I have to be his lighthouse home when he has finally hit rock bottom.

It's hard to be strong all the time. I can't believe I'm breaking down in front of my kids like this but I'm so so tired.

Ok that's enough of my pity party. Thanks for your support Chris, Lady Clueless and Larry and anyone else out there reading. I am going to need it. I can't wait to read my thread a YEAR FROM NOW AND SAY LOOK AT HOW FAR I'VE COME!

Honey, you've already come a long way in a short time, and I'll be delighted to see how far you've come a year from now!

smiley

I just got an update today on what I believe to be the biggest basket case that ever hit this forum, who hung in there past a few posts. Never mind who it is. She is just as happy as a clam at high tide. She is loved and cherished to an extent that she never dreamed about in her entire life. It took time, but omg, is she doing great.

It is my opinion that is where you are headed. And you were not nearly as bad off as that other lady was at the get go.

Larry