Smiley:

Bingo, I finally found it. I am no good at searching on this site for reasons that baffle me. I can find anything with Yahoo or Google, but here, no.

I found it by accident. We use to have a man here going by the name of mortarman. He knew everything there was to know about the official part of adultery in the military. There was one post he did that explained it all. It is the second one down in the thread I want you to go read:

mortarman

Larry

[tj]

Larry (and anyone else), I've found the best way to search this site is to use Google, for example, I want to search for "Plan B" on the site:

"Plan B" site:www.marriagebuilders.com

If I want to search the forums for the Anatomy of Adultery thread:

"Anatomy" "Adultery" site:forum.marriagebuilder.com

The lists can be lengthy, but the target is usually found on the first result page.

[/tj]

Fred.

May I quote you on the posting thread?

Larry

Smiley:

Suggestion: Print out mortarman's explanation and show it to the Chaplain and ask him about it. Perhaps things have changed since mortarman's days. Or show it at JAG interview.

Larry

Larry, you need not ask. But thank you for your consideration.

Unfortunately infidelity is a fact of life here...seems like the attitude is "we don't see anything, just don't get caught".

Walking into family advocacy today, my advisor said he hears the same story 20 times in one day......everyday! That is just so so sad.

Reading his post I really really wish he is still around so we can see if going to IG is still a possibility..I mean I have NOT heard about doing that at all during any of the many people that I have went to this last few weeks.

I just realized I missed up on his FB.

I blocked her from his account, and then tried to unblock her and now i have to friend request her again. UGh...why did I block her int he first place??? Darnit!

What was true back then is still true today!

For some reason, some soldiers like to keep their spouses in the dark about some things - almost isolate them. THe best defense is knowledge...that's what I've been hearing almost this entire time when I go to to someone.

Just finished reading 2 people's stories w/ their WH in the Army and CO did nothing. Both just stopped posting though, but last posts indicated that their WH were still in an A after they got back from deployment. I wish they come here and update because they were back in 2005 and I want to know what they did.

THis is what I will be doing tonight. My friend says I should do it with him on the phone but I don't think it's a good idea. I dont want him yelling and making things worse.

No, you don't do it with him on the phone.

This is not the time to focus on him facing his consequences and being shown the fall out. It is about informing your children of the environment that they are now in and how they can count on you and lean on you to get through it. It is confusing for them and they need to know you are reliable to turn to.

Your WH will naturally have consequences with time from them knowing. They will love him but be less sure of his integrity as a man. That will be plenty for them to work out over the years.

Truth is important for them though so they are not trying to guess the situation and coming up with worse case scenarios (themselves perhaps to blame for the issues they observe over time).

Smiley, it might be a bit early to talk to the kids, or not depending on how much they are tuned in. And kids are ALWAYS tuned in to their home dynamics. And they process what they hear and feel at their own emotional, age driven, level.

It is surely to early to talk to husband about it.

Ask JAG if IG still gets into adultery. If they do, that is a way more potent trump card than a letter to command. Mortarman pulled NO punches. He laid it on the line, chapter and verse with his posts on that thread as did others. What he had to say is worth printing and showing to Chaplain. Mortarman attacks the culture of adultery in the military from within the culture of the military and he is totally and fundamentally accurate when he holds up adultery against Duty, Honor, Country.

Larry

Thanks for that Fred...I have had the darndest time searching for specifics in the forum.

Smiley, I meant the thread which had suggestions on how to do ENs long distance.

Larry,

Can't she contact IG herself? It seems to me that the Command's JAG would still be "under" the overall Command. Maybe she will not want to alert them to her thoughts about IG beforehand.

Just brainstorming here...

My friend suggested I place an annoymous call to IG myself and ask.

I just got back from my counselor appointment and then a psychiatrist appointment. I feel better after my psych appt and I will be meeting with him every Friday.

I'm wondering now if I should open up so much with him...like if I tell him I went to my psych appt he could spin it and tell everyone that I'm crazy. I am going to use some of the education benefits that I signed up for a while back and get certified as a dental receptionist. My original intent was to be a dental hygenist or get a degree in business admin but it's just going to take too long. WOndering if I should even tell him this ...he might think I'm moving on.

Anyways I am feeling a lot better after my pysch appointment, can't explain why. I feel like he can really help me, and not just be a sounding board like I've been using my friends and counselor for.

Anyways tonight is the night I will tell the kids. I do worry about them because they have seen us fighting, have been exposed to the OW (he's talked to them about it according to what I read in his messages but they thought he was joking), and they just know something is wrong.

I am looking into geting them into counseling as well...I know the Army has something for them.

I expect to hear from him today and will be as normal as I can be.

Smiley,

I always feel better after a session with my counselor

Don't mention it to your H though...

Remember to re-read the plan you posted here to prep yourself for when he calls...

Yea, don't tell him anything he can use against you. All that talk will come way later. I thought about an anonymous call to IG, they probably get them all the time. So I went to their site and looked at their mission statement. Looks like it covers adultery without actually saying it does.

Wish mortarman were here. With all the deployments that have been ongoing for years, adultery has become epidemic in the military.

Larry

I went through three or four deplyments - in succession...and not once did cheating on my H while he was off defending the nation cross my mind.

Prior to getting married, I served in the military. I never responded to any firting from married men or men who I knew had girlfriends.

WH called.

Told him it was so great to hear from him, let him talk to the kids. Then told him I was proud of him (said the Col. noticed him and wants him to work for him...I said well of course I know how you work so hard and this happens every time you deploy you really are the best at your job - and I can't wait to share with the kids). He however said that would be funny if I went to the command because this guy would be the one to take away his rank. Brought up good memories - like how he would play wrestle with the kids.
Brought up good stuff, maybe a little bad because I expressed a little worry about his mom not coming down after all. He got a little mad saying I'm this far along and I cant just wait for an email I should just call his mom. I said I will, we already discussed the time frame I just wanted to know what exact day if she knew already.

Anyways I did say I saw my counselor and that was all, asked why and said just was stressing out over everything. Kept the stress talk vague.

It was really good to hear from him.

I did say I would like to request for no contact with this other person. He said why, what makes you think I am. I said I shouldn't have demanded the no contact I want to just change the way I said it. He said well I know the consequences on the kids if I do so you don't have to worry about it.

Said it was really good to hear from him and talk to him soon.

Sat down and talked to my kids about what's going on. Followed what was suggested above. My son piped up and said he knew who it was and told me that my WH told him once he loves her. My daughter said she overheard him. My daughter cried and I assured her as much as I could. I told them they can talk to me anytime they want. I plan on have my DD see a counselor and she agrees to it. Talked to my DD alone for a bit longer than my DS. But overall it was a good talk - so funny how resilient they are though not walking around sad but playing.

DD is 7, DS is 5 youngest is 3. one on the way.

Didnt see the update to not tell him about my pysch appt - I just told him I saw my counselor.