Forgot about the Plan A I wrote down. Was working on the other half of Plan A. I'll print out both stuff down now. I thought i did already..

With the Col talk, he is telling you he fears the letter but isn't sure it will hurt him all that much. He also knows the Col and am sure he has seen similar deals with other guys/gals when the Col got the letter. So who knows. . .


I haven't a clue what you just said

Larry

LOl i know that didn't make sense to me either. I just know if I demand something from him he would want to do it more...but then again it's a boundary...so idk i should have thought of that comment through. I thought i did.

Yea I think he was telling me about the Col. in his way of saying the letter may not have a big effect on him since the COl likes him so much. I really don't know.

smilygirl - I just have to say that if the affair was exposed to the Col, something would happen. I don't care how much the Col likes hubby. You are throwing away much needed ammunition by not exposing to his command.

Yeah he says he knows what it would do to his kids if he continues contact, and he knows, but doesn't give a [censored].

I feel almost like he is blackmailing you.

I know...I need to also gather more proof there is contact while I prepare myself financially for the repucussions. I just have that one little post from her on her sister's page....it's proof enough to ME but one can argue it's not enough.

I don't feel like he is blackmailing as much as gaslighting. He is kind of calling your bluff. My WH did the same thing with some of his co-workers and even told me about it. He came home one day before I got the actual phone call and said, "Some girls at work told me they were going to call you and tell you how I act at work. I told them to go ahead, that you kno0w ME and you know everything." Well, one of them finally did call and I wish I could thank them personally and tell them that they are a friend to M. I don't even know this person and I have never met this person before but they wanted me to know the truth. For that I am grateful. They had to actually go through with it though.

I believe that when your WH tells you that you should just go to command, he is trying to gage if you have already gone or if you are planning on going. Then he tells you that he is well-liked by the Col. so it won't matter(just in case you WERE thinking about it).

JMVHO

I just saw that Melody advised you to go to the command several weeks ago. That is what you MUST do. Otherwise the affair won't end.

I forget what branch he is in, but the military won't tolerate affairs. You can let the CO know your circumstances and that a reduction in pay would be a hardship.

But better that than ending up divorced.

Smiley, I believe that you truly believed your WH when he told you that he was ending his A. That is what I remember from the time when you didn't go to Command. IMVHO, that was a mistake. Not one that can't be rectified. It is still your call but I am on the full blown EXPOSURE bandwagon and I always have been.

Smiley:

You have taken the unofficial route to his immediate command through the Chaplain. That can be effective and it was to a certain extent. Unfortunately, it seems as if that has driven the affair more underground. That happens sometimes.

Now your choice is a letter to Command, and may or may not be effective according to the Chaplain, or through the IG per Mortarman's directives. Based on what mortarman posted, IG route is way more effective than a letter to command for the reasons he detailed.

It is your choice to make. I vote for IG route and if that is a dead end, a letter to Command. Call his bluff.

believer, you might want to click on the link if you haven't already. Mortarman was an IG and he appeared to be very informed on adultery and IG investigations and very specific in his advice.

His key point was that Command would be told what to do. This leaves very little wiggle room for Command to blow it off.

Larry

Is a letter to Command the same as me going in to talk to someone? or do I actually write a letter and send it? I don't get it...sorry all I have is a phone number for the 2 people in charge.

I know where I have to go to fully expose but I have to prepare myself financially...planning on moving to smaller place, sell my stuff just so we can make it especially if he gets vindictive and gives us the bare minimum on what he is required to give us.I doubt he would do that but better be prepared than not and find myself in financial peril. I thought that was also part of Plan A - make sure financially you are safe. I know I read that advice somewhere on the board.

Please dont think I am ignoring advice to go to Command...I'm taking all the steps that I have to prepare. I wish it could be as swift as a typical exposure but it's just not at this situation.

Posted a question at a military law forum about my situation and they said infidelity is hard to prove - basically my proof needs pictures or a confession from one of the offfending parties.

Also said that the military are in 2 wars right now, and my marriage isn't going to be a high on their priority list - advised me to get a divorce. Told them not interested in divorce. I will see what Jag says when I go to my appointment.

I've been pretty much getting thet same thing from everyone I talked to - the Army is going to protect their soldier not the dependent/wife. So unless this A affects his conduct at his job more likely nothing will happen......not saying this is going to happen but just saying what I keep hearing. I hate it too guys maybe it would have be different if he wasn't deployed.

Doesnt mean I won't plan on going. I wish I had more PROOF that the A is still going on.

Plus another person (well more than one) questioned how could I monitor him when he's all the way there? He could just easily open up another email account, another FB account. It would go deeper underground. Truth is I can't control him, spy, snoop....not in anymore ways than I have been.

Calling and complaining isn't the same thing as writing a letter with details. All of the military posts I read said letter.

You can talk to IG. For direct to command, find out the address from the phone number you have. You also need to have the Name and Rank of Command.

Larry

Reminder. Go read mortarman's post on the IG. They apparently have the power to not only investigate but also to have really higher command to direct lower command what to do. Maybe it has changed since he posted. I don't know. You have nothing to lose by talking to them.

Larry

Smiley-I don't think that you need evidence of continued contact to take to IG/Command. You haven't exposed any affair to them yet right? What I mean is that you have evidence that you found approx 17 days ago when you first started posting here. Even if you think that NOTHING will happen to him while he is deployed, you still need to expose.

He may never come home to you. You have to be prepared for that. The advice people are given about getting their finances in order during Plan A is because they are usually moving to Plan B. You are not, YET. There is never a time when someone tells a poster to get their finances in order before EXPOSURE. Exposure is the first of many steps. You need to expose.

I don't remember, did you expose to your family and friends, WH's family and friends, OW's family and friends yet? These are all part of exposure.

I was going to actually call and request a meeting. Not call and tell over the phone.

WH parents, OW FB friends, and OW mom have been exposed.

I really wish someone could understand what I keep saying...

I need to talk to SH to see what he says.

I have an appointment at JAG, and if I have to go to IG that same day I'll go and ask. Things may have changed...wish I knew for sure. I did read his post and remember I was thinking about placing an anonymous call and asking someone...it wouldn't hurt to just ask.

Thinking about going to church tomorrow. It'll be my first time in a very long time.

You are in an unusual situation that is almost unique as it is military. Most folks are both home all the time, etc.

Do a phone call, do a meeting, whatever, Just keep on finding out what you need to know. Then make a decision based on what you know instead of what you guess.

Larry