Great post SB. I really need to hear that too.

Tink - we are really at the same stage of pregnancy....37 weeks on Thurs...I suspect I'll be having her around 39 weeks since my previous births were just around that mark.

However I already know mine is not going to be there. I am hopeful he will come around then but not expecting it because Plan A does not have any expectations.

Larry-

I have been reading the historical honesty thread. I have to say that some of those people are making me feel like complete sh%t. It is causing me to question whether or not he would be thinking of leaving me if this OW was not involved. It seems as though they are saying that he has a justification to D me since I was dishonest about 2 events in college before I was with him. I know that dishonesty is hurtful and I should have just told the truth. I didn't do it because we knew both of these guys. That was the only reason. He knew stuff from before college that was even worse than that. So he can't use the "moral standard" argument with me because he knew the rest of my past and he knew what I had done, except for those 2 cases.

If he really has a right to D me over this then I am going to give up now. Really I am. I will just send him the papers because it is probably what he truly wants. If he hadn't been 100% honest with me about a girl from college from before we dated I would NOT be thinking of divorcing him. I would have been upset, but not to the point of ending a marriage. And if he would have told me about it back in college I STILL would have dated him. I don't hold people's pasts against them. Unless he had been a serial killer, a drug addict, or someone who bought prostitutes then I would not hold past sexual mistakes against him. No way.

Okay, now I am having real problems again. I have been reading the historical honesty thread and part of my story came up. People on there are saying that my H had a right to know the two events from college because it's part of my pre-marital sexual history. I get that. (even though it wasn't sex, atleast not intercourse ok.) I understand that my H would be upset to hear about it 8 years later. But I have a hard time believing he should have a right to D me or that he never would have married me had he known. He knew WORSE stuff about my sexual past and he still chose to be with me. The only reason I didn't tell him the whole story about it was b/c we knew these two guys from class. If he had decided NOT to date me then he would have done so only because we knew these two guys. So it would have been based on insecurity. Yes I should have told him. Maybe he would have dumped me. I doubt it, but if he had then I guess I wouldn't be in this crappy situation today. Yet again, I will take the blame for everything. I am now to the point of giving this up. I am ready to divorce and call it a day. He is obviously ready to do that as well. If he actually cared and wanted the M he would be here with me. I am beginning to think he would be acting this way even if this vampira were not involved. Everyone has told me that the past thing from college is a BS excuse to have an A. Yes, it is. But I guess it's not a BS excuse to D me. Which is the very thing I DON'T want to happen. But I am almost to that point. Just giving this whole thing up and being DONE. I am livid.

Have you been listening to what people are telling you here? The reason hubby is acting badly is because he is having an affair. He was away from home and some skank sunk her claws into him.

I haven't read that thread.

You should stop reading it since it is making you question the validity of your marriage.

You ARE married to that guy who is your H. The past is done. You didn't know him when whatever happened before happened. Whatever kind of wife you have been up to now, well, that is in the past too. Few people are smart enough to reveal all aspects of their past to potential suitors when dating. Few.

Study up on being the best wife. Plan A right now and plan on how you will Plan B if need be.

Look at those little kids with you and rub your belly and know that the one coming deserves your best effort to salvage the marriage.

If the marriage doesn't survive, time will tell but meanwhile do not shoot yourself in the foot and feel like you must decide anything anytime soon.

Plan A to give yourself more choices and less limitations and

stay off the other thread since it upsets you.

YES I have been listening. BUT I was reading the historical honesty thread. They were talking about my specific situation. My H was mad when I first told him that I had been dishonest about two things that had happened before we dated. It was a drunken sexual act and I have told everyone this. It was not sexual intercourse. But still, the hubby was very angry that I hadn't told him over all these years. (these two things happened 9 years ago...i told him about it a little over a year ago) He said that maybe he never would have dated me and that maybe our marriage is invalid because of it since I "tricked" him into marrying him by not telling the whole truth about those two incidents. He knew everything else, and those things were worse..by far. Now I am wondering if he would be feeling this way even without this OW in the picture. He said maybe he never would have married me had he known the whole truth. Right there, he said that before he ever met this woman. Before he ever moved to california. So, what does this mean? I mean, it seems that he has a pretty good reason to D me. I was dishonest. That kills marriages. In his eyes I killed our marriage. Maybe there never was a marriage. Maybe he is right.

He said maybe he would never have married you and then proceeded to get your pregnant?

Yes I know. But he DID know me what I did those two acts in college. We were in the same class. We had flirted and talked a bit but nothing major. We weren't dating. We didn't hang out much at all, if at all outside of class. So yes, we knew eachother. We just weren't dating. Look, I am at a low point right now and I'm just feelin like this whole thing ain't worth it. I've always been the one to eff up and he hasn't. Until now I guess. but supposedly he is justified. I effed everything up and now I have 2 kids and a baby on the way. Like my H has said. They are innocent. I am not. I effed up way too much to deserve the M. He deserves happiness. I guess he found it with the OW. They can go get married and live a happy life. I do not matter and I never will matter to him again. That is evident.

umm, yes. he did. we had all sorts of plans. but over the past year after i told him he started acting distant, gradually. i just thought it was busy work schedule and stuff like that. maybe it was. it wasn't until he was in cali that he started actin real distant. and that wasn't until he met that woman and became close friends with her. but, yet again. i'm telling you...my mental state right now is f*****. i am blaming myself again. i see his justifications for not wanting to be with me. that is how he feels. i might as well take the rejection and move on.

Tink-I read the Honesty thread as well. Although it must suck to feel this way, I don't think anyone was trying to make you feel bad. This is a discussion forum where people discuss things so they can grow and learn. Did you see anywhere on there that any specific person said that you not being O&H before meant a justification for your H's A now? Did they say that you have NO CHANCE to recover? Nope. I think that what is happening is that you had already started believing your WH had reason to leave you. He may have, but he chose to have an affair instead.

There are times when you will find that certain threads bother you. I have that problem when I read WS's threads. I can't do it YET. Just stay away from those threads.

Where is your focus today? You focus goggles are back on WH. What are you doing for you? How are you changing who you are so you will be the best possible spouse to either your WH or someone else? What did you learn, in a positive way, about yourself and what are you going to do about it? What Plan A thing did you do for your kids?

No decisions have to be made today.

Keep that statement in mind when feeling that you are to blame (and you really are not to blame) BUT when you are feeling like to heck with it all, you deserve it, you are to blame, give yourself the following statement which WILL help put things into a better perspective

No decisions have to be made today.

Tink, I found the posts in which we discussed your specific situation. Larry said,

And I said


MelodyLane added,

Tink, we did clearly state that what your H learned about your past was no justification for his affair. I'm sorry that what we said about his right to know has upset you. We were discussing general principles in that thread, and reiterating the need for full honesty. We were not trying to hurt you, and I hope you will decide what to do about your marriage on the basis of yours and the children's needs.

When did you disclose the college events? As far as you know, had the affair started then? How did your H respond to disclosure at the time? Did he say you had tricked him into marrying, or did he only say that after he wanted to leave for his affair?

Sorry but I don't buy the whole dishonesty crap. I would if he had divorced you upon finding out, but instead he got you pregnant.

And by the way, is he sending you child support and paying your living costs?

Tink


****edit****

Be all that as it may, I want to mitigate the damage that thread has done to you. And if anyone wants to challenge me, please do so on the posting thread instead of doing more damage to this young woman. I will not reply to anyone calling me out here.

HH is a good thing. It clears the air if done before marriage. How many people know to do this? Darn few. Popular culture, which influences all of us, primarily focuses on what is in the past stays in the past. I don't agree with popular culture. Before I got married, I went into some detail about my past. I had no prior knowledge of HH, I just did it. I wanted the person I married to know WHO I was. I instinctively did what I did, and so did you. Yet I don't fault anyone who goes with popular culture. Literally, what everyone "Says" is very hard to go against, especially for the young.

Do you sincerely believe you told your husband enough of your past for him to understand your character? The objective of HH isn't to discuss every salacious detail, it is a display of character. When someone wants to know more detail, they ask and they receive to the extent of memory.

HH is a good thing. It can be used as a starting point for the renewal of a marriage that has fallen into a funk. Let me explain that. A couple of psych professors had their graduate level classes do an experiment. They paired up members of the opposite sex who had instructions to talk about their past, to include their sexual past. Details were up to the participants. After a set time period, each participant filled out a questionnaire. Included in the questionnaire were questions to determine the level of possible romantic interest in the other person. Results showed a very high percentage of interest.

Talking about the past is a road to the future. And unless a deal breaker like a past marriage affair is exposed, it is all good, especially when it is between a couple who have reason to want to restart their marriage. So your later discussion about two events you did not include originally does not have to be a deal breaker, except for two things, a) it was done in anger and b) your husband is now using what you said to forgive himself for adultery, a way more serious commission. You hold the cards there, not him.

HH is a good thing. But there is a nuance. Once exposure is done and it is complete, the details are not grist for future efforts to denigrate someone in a fight. Acceptance of the past that then leads to marriage means what it means: acceptance. Acceptance of the past in the context of a marriage renewal means what it means: acceptance. Didn't you start another child after the exposure?

Don't mail your divorce papers. Accept that your husband is less mature than you. He is using your past to justify his present. It is not about you, it is about him. See the lengthy and meaningful thread by SB. What she posted is far more important and meaningful for you than the HH thread.

Larry

I disagree. I felt the same way he does and I did not divorce my H. The fact that he didn't divorce her is irrelevant.

You know, Melody, I'm resentful about a lot of things. But I still have to get up in the morning, pay my bills, go to work and take care of my responsibilities. The bank doesn't care if I'm resentful. Resentment can be just another piss poor excuse for NOT stepping up to the plate.

I've known folks that went to therapy for years to get over their resentment, and all it did was make the therapist rich. Time to move on and realize that life isn't fair and make the best of it.

Larry, I am sorry you have brought this over to her thread, but this comment needs to be addressed because it is misleading. She cannot change the past, but readers should understand that MB advocates a COMPLETE and ACCURATE telling of ALL past opposite sex relationships. The NAME of each person and whether or not the relationship was sexual is on the PH questionaire. The objective of HH is to discuss enough details so the prospective partner knows the names of all the ex lovers and what happened. That way he would have known all the foxes in the hen house. He had a right to know all this.

As I said before, that is not an excuse for an affair, but dishonesty of this sort is a huge lovebuster that causes enormous resentment.
In my case, I felt like my marriage was a FRAUD for many years. It would be a mistake to sweep this under the rug so cavalierly.

Oh wow, I so needed to read this. It was a breath of fresh air on this sad day. My WH pretty much verbally abuses me with how much I have done wrong. Funny, I only started hearing of it several months AFTER he started his A.

Tink, I hope this post from schoolbus and the others are helping you too. I have been following your thread. My heart breaks for you being pregnant and having to deal with your WH. Your WH is just using your past against you now because it is convenient and it makes him feel better about what HE is doing. Prayers and hugs for you!

Of course it should not be used be as an excuse, but no one has suggested it is ok, so I have no idea what you are going on about.

What is not ok is to lie to a spouse and trick them into marrying you. Your justication of that reflects a very odd double standard.