I'm 2 months into plan "A" since W moved out. It was our 14th WA 3 days ago. We talked and she wouldn't see me. She started bringing up things I did to hurt her.I cried (sorry for being a wimp) We ended the conversation OK but then W doesn't call for 2 days. I went out last night came home at 2 am and JUST missed a call. Asked everyone that it could have been, they said they didn't call. <BR> W shows up out of the blue this morning (W tried to call ahead but I was online) <BR> So we spend 5 hours together small- talking. With a little serious conversation mixed in. Here's the question:<BR> She took MORE of her stuff (wanted HER stuff around her?) We started collecting lighthouses because W said she wanted to be MY light in the darkness. <BR> W took pictures of lighthouses and I asked "Do they really remind you of me?" (I figured they reminded her of OM!!!!!) W first said "I don't remember relating them to you" Then I reminded her of what she said when bought the first one (her father collects them too) W said " THAT WAS WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER BETWEEN US"<BR> So I say "Things WILL get better.." <P>SO W SAYS "NO THEY WON'T" "YOU WILL GET BETTER, I WILL GET BETTER" BUT WE WON'T BECAUSE I HAVE GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT YOU NOW AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THEM" HUH???????? W<BR> W then says " I FEEL SO LOST" and starts crying her eyes out!!!! I just held her and didn't say a word. We held each other till she stopped crying 5 min later. <P> WHAT WAS THAT?? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me your wisdom on this!!! THANKS FRANK<BR>----- Original Message ----- <P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

Frank,<P>She's still in Guilt-ville, it sounds like to me.<P>I feel like she does, if you want the truth. There's love there, but not the kind I want. I cry for the losses: the loss of the expectations for my marriage, the loss of trust I feel from my H, the loss of love I actually recieve and give. It's terrible.<P>I could cry right this second writing to you. That's how fresh it is on my mind every second of every day. <P>That's why we make stupid mistakes like we do (see my stupid post "I'm back but I almost didn't come here" something like that). <P>She hates herself right now. You did the right thing holding her and comforting her. I know it hurts like hell when she's ignoring you and then turning around and using your shoulder. But hang in there as long as you can!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

HI Sheryl,<BR> Thanks for the insight. I always look forward to your answers.<BR> Le me ask you this. Maybe a stupid question but, what (ideally) do you want your H to do? How would you respond to plan B now? Is that what I should do to jolt her? I know it's hard to answer about Plan "B" because you know about it. <BR> In your case is it because your H still has angry feelings? I told my W that this was the ONLY way God could "wake me up". We were going to try just before she left and it was ME that said no, we need a separation!!! I thought I needed it too! <BR> I have told her (and believe myself) that this will be (in the long run) the "Single Greatest Thing that EVER happened in our Marriage"!! Because it was ME who was blind!!! I always blamed her nagging and our fights on her (really bad) PMS. I know that, wasn't the WHOLE story. <BR> Does Satan EVER give up? Maybe God steps in when we BOTH learn what is intended to learn!!<BR> Praying for you HARD!!! Frank<P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

Hi again, Frank,<P>DO NOT PLAN B HER right now. She's hurting, coming to you with her hurt. I think you'd push her away.<P>Plan B works best, from what I've read, with unrepentant spouses still in the affiar who need a HUGE wake up call. <P>My affair has been over for months, and my H did a modified plan a-b combo, even though we didn't have a clue about that stuff when he did it! It caused more pain than good, I believe. He didn't "kill me with kindness" or try to "love me back". Instead I felt like he was punishing me every single day, and still feel that way often. It doesn't help our relationship, that's for sure.<P>As always, I really hope I'm helping you...<P>Take care!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Again again Sheryl, <BR> Let me say first that YOUR advice is the most helpful to me and I really respect you for doing what you do here (as many others do I'm sure) <BR> Has your H read this site? I'm sorry that he didn't/hasn't tried to "Love you back" and you feel he is punishing you. I know you deserve better because YOU did try and love him back. <BR> Just hang in there because for all the work you've done for your Marriage and US here, you deserve a GREAT success in this.<BR> Sometimes I find myself rooting for YOUR Marriage more than mine!! I don't see MY W here trying as hard as you!!<BR> She would just lie anyway. I'm praying hard, hang in there!! Frank<BR><P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

Frank, <P>My marriage is at the end right this very second... read my thread about the "S word" -which is separation, not divorce. <P>I am very sad tonight. I am so glad I can help you, wish I could help myself more. Your words uplift me, and I thank you for them.<P>You're one of the good guys. Hang in there!!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

hugs Sheryl hugs. <P>------------------<BR>desperate<P>

back at ya, Frank...<P>Take good care of yourself. You can't go forward if you're not strong and healthy.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>