Thanks larry - needed to hear that.

Had a discussion with him the other night. Unfortunately had an AO at least twice. got upset and told him I'm going to talk to him later and hung up. he called me back and asked me why did I do that and i said I couldn't talk to him- he said if I'm going to hang up on him everytime I get upset then why bother calling (which is true I realized later that was a definate AO. I wasn't trying to talk about the R but he was and he pulled me into it. I REACTED when I should have taken a breathe and then act. I remained quiet when I could but he goad me into it.

Anyways out of that conversation here's what came out
- he knows I went in the trash to find his plane ticket that he ripped up
- says he is required to take R&R and will be going to his parents in Tx than home to me.
as in he's not going to see his newborn daughter, who would be about 4-5 months. or even his kids even though he says they are the more important tahn anything. Another LB - DJ. As soon as those words came out of my mouth I knew it. But I got real upset at that.
- mentioned he sleeps about 2 hours a night and then can't sleep because he's thinking about our relationship
- he lost 10 lbs since he's arrived there
- not eating as much as he should
- doesn't have anyone to talk to over there about this
told him to go to the chaplain since he already pretty much knows the situation but he said he doesn't want to bother that man with his problems.

I don't know if he's trying to make me feel guilty by telling me the last 4 things. I don't know really.

I waited to see if he was going to call last night before I posted this but he didn't. Any thoughts?

Hi SG!

Took me a while to catch up on your thread... I started at the beginning and skipped some of the posts in the middle, then read the last 3 pages...

First off, I think you are doing a GREAT job here! I know how stressful deployments are on the family members that are left behind and that your job is MUCH tougher than most people realize... so thank you for YOUR service!

Ok, Let me see if I've got the facts straigth:

- You found definite proof of your H's A a couple of weeks ago.
- You've exposed to H's parents an OW via Face Book
- You've talked with your Chaplain and he's basically given you information that if you "expose" that it will hurt you financially...
- You have a meeting with the JAG this coming week to discuss your financial and legal rights.
- H knows that you are preparing to send a letter to his Cdr.
- You have been trying to Plan-A as best you can.

Now, a little about me so you'll know where I'm coming from...

- Mrs. RIF and I married young (I was 23 and she was 18)
- Had a new baby girl right after we got to our first duty station overseas.
- Mrs. RIF had multiple A's during our first 3 years of M.
- I knew about one, suspected another, but had no clue that there were at least five more.
- We never dealt with the "first" A. Just buried it and acted like it never happened.
- Mrs. RIF confessed to the other A's in Dec 2000.
- I deployed to Kosov in Sep 2001. Tried to "rebuild" while deployed...
- Found MB in May 2002. Got serious about rebuilding and have been rebuilding ever since.
- Deployed to OEF in 04-05
- Deployed to OEF in 07-08
- Retired from the USAR in 08
- Currently deployed to OIF 09-10 as a DOD civilian

You'll note that I never exposed Mrs. RIF's A's to my C-of-C... so I don't have any first hand experience on what might or might not happen if you expose. Looking back, I do believe that if I had exposed the suspected A, that it might have prevented the other five..... but then again, that's just hind-sight and I really don't know what it would have done.

I'm not familiary with the IG, but I do know that most units that deploy have a rear detachment commander that is in constant contact with the forward command element... So, my thought is that you talk with the JAG and get your financial and legal advice wrapped up, then write a letter to the commander. Let some of the good folks here that have experience with exposure letters help you edit it... then make an appointment to go see the rear detachment commander and present the letter to him/her.... and when you give them your letter, also let them know that you're providing a copy to the IG of your post and that you trust that they will do whatever it takes to help you save your marriage.

I can almost assure you that you WILL get some action from the C-of-C!

As for the consequences for your H, I don't think that you have anything to worry about. For one, in order to prove adultery under the UCMJ, there has to either be a confession, or photos of the act. Very few military members are punished for adultery from what I've seen over 25 years in the military... they usually get in trouble for lying or falsifying an official document.

Exposing your H to his C-of-C is not enough grounds for the command to court martial him or even for an Article 15 (non-judicial punishment)... what they will most likely do is counsel him and place a strict no-contact order on him. And yes, it will be hard to enforce, but trust me, if they DO catch him breaking it, they will come down on him with both boots!

Once you expose, you need to do your best Plan-A that you can. It's hard to do over the phone/email/skype, but it can be done. Lots of care packages, lots of notes and cards, pictures of the kids, anything that will keep him connecte to the family will help.

Try not to put too much stock in his "threats" such as him going home to his parents for his R&R... he's just lashing out at you to see if he can push any of your buttons...

Please let us know how you're doing and I'll be sure to check back here...

Semper Fi!

RIF

Pretty much got it all there. few more things
-WH already verfied the A.
-Exposed to OW FB page, from there exposed to her Mom (didn't help)
-Chaplain that's with him had a "talk" with him, which made him do no contact with the OW
-came upon one source that tells me NC has been broken/gone more underground
- met with family advocacy - said same thing chaplain said..
-exposed to my kids who pretty much knew about it
- don't think WH really thinks I will go to Command


I'm definately going to talk to JAG tomorrow morning. I'll let everyone know how that goes. Thanks for reading up on my thread...I've been reading up on your past threads and found them to be very helpful especially to my situation.

WH called twice today. both were pretty short phone calls, less than 10 mins but happy he called us twice.

First one we were out and about, but he told me he was mad at something at work. I asked him to tell me and I agreed with him, he does deserve to be promoted instead of the other guy...told him he really does deserve it (only giving it to the other guy because of seniority not because he's the best guy for the job) and that I am sure that the higher ups will see that. Hopefully that was an EN but not sure....Anyways he was on his way to go to sleep so I said it was great hearing from you.

So happy he called and left us a message on our voicemail.I requested he do that awhile back so that when we miss him we could still hear his voice...happy he remembered. I need to remember to thank him for that next phone call.

He called the second time and he got to talk to the kiddos. Asked if he got enough sleep but he said not really just tossed and turned. Told him I'll be sending him another pillow, more fluffy lol. Tried to keep it light. Had to get off so he can go to work, but I thanked him for calling and being able to talk to the kids.

Still have a long way to go...

Realized I won't be able to go to my appointment after all....kids are off from school as it turns out. I have to reschedule sometime this week.

You did just fine. I noticed that RIF posted to you earlier. Hope you will heed his advice, he is one of the experts here and haven't seen him posting for over a year.

Smiley- I think agreeing with him about the promotion fills his need for admiration and in a way affection. Great job. You are a natural at this Plan A stuff. Keep it up. I also agree that RIF's post was excellent.

RIF did a great job, as always. Looks as if there is a glimmer of light at the end of the looooooon tunnel. Not a train. Good job with the Plan A and the promotion deal.

Larry

Hi SG,



This is good! I read most of the discussion here regarding the Chaplain, and I will agree, that most of the Chaplains are NOT equipped to handle this sort of thing. Having said that, your Unit Chaplian can STILL be a great resource for you, especially if he is in contact with your H's Chaplain downrange.

I would also caution you to NOT let your H know about this web site just yet or what your screen name is. You will be getting advice on how to protect your M and you don't want to "show your hand" to him just yet.

Talk with your Chaplain and see if he can recommend some good resources for your H to study... perhaps he and the other Chaplain can sort of "tag team" with both of you during the deploment. The Harley books would be a great place to start. (thus the caution about sharing your screen name above).

I would still follow through with the JAG visit and the letter to the Cdr... again, post it here (with names deleted) so some of the 'experts' can help you.

You sound like you've got this long-distance-Plan-A thing down pat!!! If your H starts talking about "relationship" stuff, just tell him that you love him and that you'll do whatever it takes to fight for your marriage WITH HIM... and then leave it at that. Then move on to how nice the weather is or some other "non-relationship" topic.

Semper Fi!

RIF

Notice it's only and always about him? His needs, his wants, and what he does and doesn't do. One day, your going to be free of it. Whether the marriage is saved or not.

Thanks for the encouragement on my Plan A. I only have a 20 minute window each call (could be shorter or longer) so I am trying to remember that.

While I'm preparing for my letter, I do hesitate because I feel like I need more solid proof that there's continued contact.

What are my reasons to go to command right now? All I want them to do is stop contact. I can't ensure that at all....he can always open up another yahoo address I won't know about, or open up another facebook page with another alias. I'm not trying to be difficult here but it's the truth.

WH is not ready to rebuild the marriage so I'm sure any talks about reading material won't go well. I can definately do that down the line when I feel like he is back on board plus you're right he could check out the website and I lose out on this valuable resource for me.

My plan is to go to JAG, get my answers, see if there's any more proof while I'm saving up money for the financial repucussions of me going to Commannd. As in what if we can't afford rent, or to pay our bills....I need to be sure we are financially set. I am sorry if that seems more like Plan B than anything but right now it's better than me jumping the gun and going to Command and then later find myself in financial peril.

About to call the bank to get information on his other account. I really hope its not attached to anyone else. I had to wait until Monday to see if my POA that I sent to my bank has gone through.

I really hope this week is a good week...

I know...that's true. Maybe he feels it's always what I want. Anyways, he's currently caught up in his selfishness. Deep down he knows he's in the wrong but he feels the A is justified because he's unhappy.

Okay, I think you missing the point about going to command. You aren't trying to get them to ensure NC. That would be impossible. You are going to command as part of your EXPOSURE step. Command may/may not put pressure on the affair. That's what exposure is about. Putting PRESSURE on the affair. It sometimes works in ending the affair. All you are doing is telling EVERYONE that could put pressure on the affair about their "lurv story". You may have missed why people were suggesting that you go to command. Just wanted to make sure you understood it. Exposure is part of the stick part of Plan A.

OK, this may not be a popular idea right now, but here it goes.

I say hold off on exposure right now. There is a good chance that OW is out of contact with WH because of boot camp, now is the time to really get the most out of these phone calls.

There is also a good chance they are planning to meet when she gets out of boot camp (hence the "visit" to his parents house). Next time he talks about that, mention perhaps you can visit too in TX and feel out his reaction. If it is angry, you know what he is planning. You can let him know that an R and R visit that doesn't include visiting his kids will encourage you to think he is seeing OW. And if that is the case then you will have to report him as having continued contact. See how that goes over.

Since you only have 20 minutes, think of the time you have together as just a few minutes in a day. It takes about 6 or more phone calls to = a day, so time, recovery, his confusion, is going to seem to last longer.

The good thing about this time is...if she is in boot camp, and out of contact with WH, he will probably peek out of the fog. That is why I suggest no exposure right now, time to use this time wisely, an angry WH will waste these next few weeks you have.

BUT, if he continues with contact after...then you are ready...

Hi SG,



Very valid feelings right now. SG, please try to focus on the facts and NOT your feelings here. You've listed some facts in your statement above:

Fact - You can't ensure no contact
Fact - You can't control him or his actions
Fact - You can only control your actions

You have a fear that if you expose to his C-of-C, that you and your kids will end up on the short end of the financial stick... this too is a valid feeling and you are wise to meet with the JAG...

Fact - There has to be a confession or physical proof of intercourse in order to prove adultery under the UCMJ.
Fact - Service members are required to provide for their family members during a deployment. Talk with the JAG and they will verify.
Fact - Based on what I've seen from over 7 years on the MB website, Exposure works just about every time!

The letter to the Commander is another tool in exposing the A to the light of day. I suspect that once your H knows that his C-of-C knows, it will most likely do two things:

1 - He will be angry! (no surprise there, right?)
2 - He will eventually get over his anger, then work very hard to "soldier back"

Based on your comments about his performance and how he likes words or affirmation, I bet that he respects his C-of-C... and I bet that he will take this (no contact) as a mission to show his chain of that he is worthy of their respect.

Why would you NOT enlist the C-of-C to help your H end this affair?

You can search and search for additional "proof", but in the end, you already know that he was involved in an A.

The exposure letter to the Cdr isn't a "list" of his sins, it should be a request for the Cdr's help in saving your M.

Just some thoughts... I hope you are doing well today!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Had to reschedule my appointment to JAG today and only time they make appointments for the week is Fridays. So I have to wait until Friday to make another appointment.

The only proof I have of a sexual encounter is what they wrote about in the Facebook messages. No pictures, no confessions.


According to what family advocacy told me, he is required by the military to give me BAH - doesn't matter how many dependents I have. Based on his rank, this amount is $894. This is IT. It is up to him to give me more, or if we have had a written agreement or if the courts order him to provide more.

So yes I am a bit apprehensive to go to command. Not because of my feelings.

I'm not sure if she is in bootcamp at the moment...last time I was able to look at her facebook (before I blocked her) she was talking about how she burnt the popcorn. My friend said when her husband was in bootcamp they didn't have the luxury to go online or eat popcorn so that didn't make sense to my friend. I wish I could still view her page but I can't.

I know going to C-of-C is my goal to ask them for help to save my M. I just want to be sure I'm doing the right now.



Is it not wise to save some money? Is it not wise to get prepared should we have to move? Actually I was already thinking about moving after the baby comes. I have 3 weeks left before I'm due, maybe less because I won't do anything when my MIL is here and she is supposed to be here on the 25th.

Only reason why he stopped contact was because of he knew I was serious about going to command. I need more proof that's there's been contact.

Thanks again for reading my thread and helping me out here. Again, I do plan on going to Command. I just need time...

Just got notice that my WH changed his password and email address on his bank account. he had called and asked me if I messed with his account a couple of days ago. Told him I didn't but I did. Unfortunately my POA hasnt gone through yet with my bank so I can't find out what other bank account he has.

I really need to stop focusing on what he's doing, things I can't control and focus on what I can.

Also that told me he's on the phone and he's not calling me...if he can call the bank then who else is he calling?

Hi SG,



I know that you are angry and hurt, but IMHO, it's always best to be honest with each other... lying to him will just make things more difficult between you and won't solve anything.

One of the difficulties with e-mail and short phone calls is the tendency to "read into" what the other person is doing. I can tell you from my own personal experience, that your mind will almost ALWAYS think of the most negative outcome possible.

Try and relax and not think about "what if"... remember, you can't control his actions.

Please think about what I said about being honest with each other... I know it's hard, but lying to each other will only continue to hurt your M...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Just got a really good phone call from him - talked about 40 mins! It almost seems normal.

He said he does care about me, will always worry and no matter what we'll be a part of each other's lives and he doesn't want me to think he hates me. He knows things are not good between us now but he's really sorry he's putting me through this. I cried a little bit, and he keeps telling me to relax and take care of myself. I told him that I know me and the kids would be fine without him but I'd rather be with him. He kept telling me to calm down so I changed the subject then.

shared some info about the kids, my mom, the bank stuff, how one of his soldiers contacted me for his mailing info..he told me about his benching competition - I expressed a little bit of surprise and a lot of admiration because he's never done that before. I told him about an act of kindness from my mom's group have shown me by surprising me with some gifts (including a gift card and a promise of a night out just tell them when)I cried again, and he said I deserve it I"m a good person.

Sucks I have to question his motives (like is he being nice to me so I don't got to his command?) but over all it's a good conversation.

I just read what RIF wrote and Yes it's true! Your mind does read into what was said into something negative.

I know that's so hypocritical of me to not be honest when all i want from him is honesty so I won't lie to him about that anymore...or anything else.

I got notice from my bank that there was a funds transfer from the bank account that I know of to the other one that I am not to know about....

I guess I have to wait until my POA goes throught to see what's going on.

In my opinion:
He's still in the affair.
You should be in Plan A:
Meet ENs
Avoid LBs
Snoop
Expose the A
NO RELATIONSHIP TALK