Hi everyone,
I'm back in the dating world and it is challenging. I signed up for an online service in hopes of meeting for quality men. Recently, I met great guy online and we have really good chemistry. We have gone on 3 dates but he hasn't initiated a 4th date. While I understand that men like the pursuit, is it okay for the female to pursue to a certain degree?

It is tough deciphering this man, especially if it seems like he's interested. It seems online dating makes one prone to dating multiple people v. dating one person at a time. How do I stand out? It's discouraging and competitive. Any advice? Thanks in advance!

ready, you can initiate the 4th date.

Start by calling and asking if you could plan the next date as he has done such an awesome job with planning the first dates, you would just like to reciprocate. This allows you to see if there is any interest on his part. Then ask a few questions for preferences and say that you will call back at blank date with the plans.

As you said it is easy dating online to be dating more then one person, he may be seeing others also.

As far as making yourself stand out. Ask a few friends to tell you what they consider to be your best qualities and incorporate them into your profile. Then be yourself and live up to what you have written.

I hope that this helps, remember to have fun and keep things in perspective!

Dawn

R2W, why not change the way you view online dating from competitive to having a HUGE pool of fish to fish in. Like any dating scenario, the chances are as you get to know the person, one or both of you will decide the relationship isn't a good fit. Which is why it's not a bad idea to date more than one person at a time in the beginning.The exception to this is if you are just too busy to go out on more than one date a week. Then it is impossible to date more than one person.

Going different people fits into the number one way a woman can stand out: She isn't needy or clingy.

I agree with GG. When I did online dating, I dated a lot of men. Just looked at it as practice getting back into the single world. There were some that I never would have considered dating, but did it just for drill. To me it was really a confidence booster.

Just wanted to add that I don't think there is much difference between men and women in this regard. I date someone for 2 dates, lots of communication and then it seemed to die off. Knowing that this is a strong possiblity, it'd be silly for me to investment myself that strongly right away...not to mention that I'd come off as needy. Not to mention that it's a confidence builder to be talking with several different potential dates at the same time, as already stated.

But to answer the specific question, I'm cool with the woman initiating contact, I actually prefer it since first contact is the hardest. But I want the reins from there for a little while, first couple dates. By 4th date though, would not mind at all is she planned something. It would probably come across best if there was some sort of event (concert, sporting event, etc) that you wanted to go to and wanted to bring him along. That would not look needy in anyway.

Back to dating multiple people at the same time, if you're like me, that's something new to you. It's not easy to just saying you're going to do it and just do it. I'm easing into it myself. I first got comfortable with conversing with more then one at a time. I was uncomfortable the first time I had more then one date in the same week, but I told myself that I'd cancel the 2nd date if the first went well. Now, I think I'd be cool with it as long as I wasn't more then a friends level with any one of them. Maybe that's the next barrier to crack. For one thing, you can't really be sure about someone by a paragraph and a couple dates, no matter how physically attracted and into them you may feel. In the mean, you may be turning away the right girl/guy.

Just to be clear, no one is suggesting anyone bed multiple people either individually or as a group.

Thanks to shows like Sex in the City (which I've never watched, I'm just guessing about), many people assume you have to sleep with someone after a couple dates. This is not the case.

I would definitely invite the man to do something. Not dinner at your house because that's too soon if you aren't sure about his level of interest. But, by date 4 or 5, men seem to what to know if you're interested in them. If they always have to call and always have to ask you out.... they start to wonder. Plus, treating to an evening out is a nice way to reciprocate for all the nice times you've been given.

One other thing to realize about the world of online dating is that you'll be excluded and excluding people based on criteria that normally wouldn't come up in another setting. For example, the desire to have more children, smoking, religion, and even income. I remember excluding men if they were too good looking. Marlboro men I kept, GQ men I tossed as too high maintance and likely to demand that I get manicures and eat rabbit food.

Finally, beware of the written word. Some people are very good writers and their style makes them seem very attractive. Others are terrible writers. My Mike was a terrible writer. I almost didn't go out with him because of it. I would have missed the best thing to ever happen to me.

And don't forget other online places. I found that the dating sites often have people who just broke up with an SO and are looking for a quick fix.

But I belong to two fishing forums, and have met people through those. It's almost like MB in that you feel like you know them. Went to a fishing tournament two weekends ago, and "knew" everyone. It really broke the ice.

Also have met men through Yelp.com. You read their reviews and get an idea if you have anything in common. People contact me all of the time.

I think I write fairly well in my profile and perhaps over sell myself. I put a lot of humor in there, and I'm just not always like that in real life.

Also, I find it easy to get sucked into wanting to date someone that's way outside my typical lifestyle, maybe fantasize a bit perhaps. For example, I may run across a flight attendant without kids who's really never settled down, very positive attitude, likes to ride motorcyles, etc. The idea of dating someone like that seems rather appealling, but the reality is that it would likely be a bad match for me. I'm not saying you shouldn't expand your comfort zone, but be somewhat realistic, and certainly don't pass up the ones you have a lot in common, chasing after the exotic ones.

DKD, I didn't mean you. I just remember talking to a man who looked so good on paper and in email. On the phone, he did nothing but talk about his ailments and illnesses and complain. Yuck. Another man kept a pet toad or two.

GG: You must have run into the same one I dated (once) a year ago! His ailments and mistreatments were unfortunately neverending, like our lunch...couldn't wait to get out of there!

LOL.

Wow! You must have been talking to the male version of my exSIL! Every conversation began with a 20 minute diatribe of what death inducing ailment she currently has.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post! It is so encouraging to know that you all have wisdom to offer me.

To clarify, I have been dating multiple men since signing up for the online service. I have met some nice men but most times, nothing extends past the first date. This is why I am so intrigued by this man who has captured my attention with good manners, looks, charm and good chemistry. We continue to text and last weekend since he didn't initiate a 4th date, I went on a date with someone else I met online.

Dating the old-fashioned way seemed so much easier, ha ha. I'm just trying to remain patient but it is so hard.

How do you avoid online dating burn out?

I still struggle with the online world of dating because it seems like the possibilities can be endless. How do I sift through the duds while keep the winners interested? Any advice is appreciated.

I am waiting to see the answers to ready2wait's questions. Years ago I tried the online dating scene and found it ghastly, shallow and draining.

Maybe it's because I'm not ready to resume dating (heck, I'm still married for another two weeks, still) but the online mechanisms hold no attraction for me whatsoever. Perhaps when I find the need for companionship of the opposite sex more a need in my life my opinion will change and I'll explore the option.

R2W, I think the sifting and sorting is just plain hard work.

Once you've got a couple of men that you think have potential, you can hide your profile. Even services that do the matching for you, like e-harmony, wil let you stop getting matches for a bit.

The other thing my sister told me is that people just take breaks from it. Dating can be work, and it's often discouraging. I remember I had stopped even looking at Match when Mike sent me an email. Another man had reached out too, and I had back-to-back first dates. If neither of them had worked out, I probably would have cancelled my subscription.

Fred, it doesn't have to be draining, ghastly and shallow.

I think a lot more people do it now, especially when you are out the second time around. If you can't or don't want to date someone you meet at work, and your church isn't big, what are you going to do?

The trick is to not take it too seriously. I had 15 or 20 first dates that never went anywhere, either because I didn't fit their criteria or they didn't fit mine. But tried to have a good time at least. Usually chose to meet at the beach, and walked down the pier and had some coffee. That way it is low cost.

If a man took me to a nice restaurant, then I would invite him for a picnic at the park, treat him to a baseball game or something. Tried to look at it as making a new friend at first.

If you take your time and watch, you will see the same people over and over for months. I eliminated them just because it seemed like they were meeting people but still looking too long.

Chances are excellent that you will find someone, probably IRL, and the dating sites give you practice and confidence.

That's what helped me maintain my sanity in the online dating world. I'd join a site and stay active for a couple of months. Usually during that time, I found someone with whom I became exclusive and thus stopped my subscription. If not, I'd cancel my subscription anyway, and do a house project or something like that, just to get my mind off the dating world. Then a year later I'd come back to it. It kept me sane .

AGG

Oh, I wasn't thinking that at all. I was just putting myself as a honest example. I put humor in my profile, and I can be funny. If someone thinks I'm just funny all the time, well that's not me nor who I want to be.

And I agree that breaks are good. Sometimes I just don't want to work at it, it's just frustrating.

One thing that I find rather frustrating is just coordinating the first date. I've had more cases where we agreed to meet, and then it feel through for whatever reason. I don't take it seriously, but complications at the first date just kills it for me. If it's this difficult now, what's it going to be later on? If I'm accomodating and understanding now, am I setting a bad precedent? Feels like it.

I was talking with someone through email yesterday and we agreed that we both wanted to meet. She's a single mom of 2, Dad's not around, so I expect there to be some difficulties in timing, but I can work with that. She told me she was going to try to get a babysitter for Thursday night, great! Then she emailed later that she agreed to babysit for a friend of hers, can we meet Saturday for lunch. I can do that, but I'm really not sure if want to. Not only do I not want to be a low priority like that, but what does that look like if I'm accepting that? and I know 1st date doesn't need to be priority, but it still sets a tone. Not to mention that, but she doesn't live close. Ugh. I'll probably still meet up with her, I'm just not nearly as optomistic as I was previously.

Thank you again to everyone's feedback on my online dating gripes. Overall, it has been a good experience and I have made some friends along the way. I need to change my outlook about it and take everything in stride. When I signed up months ago, I had the idea that I'd find someone and be on my merry way. I have more than 6 friends who found success online became married. For me, it's been a tougher process.

DKD,
I understand your concerns. It's easy to get optimistic about someone before the 1st date. I have learned to put my expectations aside when it comes to meeting someone online until I get to know them. It's hard not to get excited about someone you've never met but when reality sinks in with their kids, busy schedules, etc., it brings me back to reality. With that said, I think you should give this person a chance. It's a first date/ meeting, and it's a chance to meet the person and see if she's everything her e-mails portray. But, if you're going to be going out of your way (physical distance), then you may want to weigh that factor.

I also understand that you don't want to set a precedent for future dates. What has her character been like so far? Can you tell that she's interested in meeting you too? Or, is she making excuses? Her hints can be very telling.