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After a very painful 7 years of my practicing "marriage at any cost" and the loss of my wife to cancer last year I have sunk into a pretty heavy depression. I came to MB to help me heal and to understand more specifically what went wrong and I have found support while having the priviledge of posting here helping others when I can. I have learned a lot and healed quite a bit and God isn't finished yet but some things have changed and I wondered if how much of those changes are common to others.


Sexual desire is completly gone. I used to desire to take my wife in my arms and rock her world and when times were good for us that was not a problem. Before I was with her I had the same desire to please whomever I would be with eventually and would fantasize about how it would be one day.

Im not trying to sell the idea that I never had sex outside a committed relationship. I made that mistake. But out of the four committed in love relationships that I was involved with sex was more meaningful and satisfying. Commitment has allways been the real aphrodisiac for me.

I cheated twice on my first girlfreind when i was 16 but since my marriage to her at 18 I have never cheated once in a committed relationship.

Right now just having friends, taking care of me and getting back to being somewhat normal for my adult children is enough. Why do I never ever picture myself in a relationship again or desire to be close to a woman? Is it just a confidance problem? I don't have anything to prove to myself sexually. I don't feel I have stowed all the baggage properly yet and I have very little to offer to anyone in the way of support.

That can change in time but what the problem is I am not motivated to seek out a relationship now or in the future. Is this normal and healthy? In a way it is a relief and an opportunity for me to ground myself again and keep it simple.

It is a time where I must do some soul-searching and understand why I have a great need to be needed and will probably end up finding self-worth in service to others as this has been who I am since I can remember. I am scared of this attribute I have if you can call it that. It can easily turn to co-dependancy if not balanced right. But that is who I have allways been.

Right now my focus is to appreciate life and the simple things I have to be happy for. Its painfully obvious that what had turned into an unhealthy obsession when I chased my addicted wife around for years along with my vain belief that I could save her has taken its toll on me.

What was once a prommissing marriage with two shaky but loving people over time put us both into bondage. Now I have no excuse to not take care of myself or for depression.In the past I would shake it off and pull myself up by the bootstraps and kick my own butt out the door because I had hope for the future and wasn't going to wallow in self-pity.

I don't know why I would put on that face now other than for my children and the sake of others. For me the outlook seems bleak. God gave me this life and all the tools are here to enjoy it and that is what motivates me now is the hope that in time wounds will heal. God never gives us more than we can handle right?

Someday when I trust myself enough to have a close friendship with another woman I believe that its possible love could grow and lead to desire. Thats a long way down the road. I am way to needy and not anywhere close to ready for that.

I just wondered if anyone else has ever felt this way where they cannot even picture themselves in a happy positive and fufilling relationship again.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: SortedSomeOut
I just wondered if anyone else has ever felt this way where they cannot even picture themselves in a happy positive and fufilling relationship again.

SSO, I think this is how most soon-to-be or recently-divorced people feel. In your case, you are widowed, but the sense of betrayal and loss is much the same.

Those of us who have had our marriages and dreams shattered by the heartlessness of our spouse's affair may be more deeply affected.

But I think this is the result of the wounding we have suffered. It's necessary to heal, and until we are able to look ourselves in the mirror and think of ourselves as worthy, we really aren't.

There's another thread here about online dating. I shudder to think of even attempting to meet people that way. But who knows? Maybe in time that will seem like a natural way to go. I can't say.

Speaking only for myself, I know I'm not unworthy, but I'm feeling scarred, exposed, raw and vulnerable. That, in my opinion, is not a good recipe for embarking on another relationship.

In my original thread I related a comment made to me by a late, dear friend of mine:

Quote:
I don't believe God intends for us to be alone. There is someone out there for you. She's just not ready for you yet. So you just have to keep on being the person you are meant to be, and when the time is right, you'll meet.

I thought The Leopard was the fulfillment of that prophesy. Apparently, she was not. So I will continue being the person I'm meant to be and what happens, happens. It all happens in God's time, not mine.


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I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. The depression is something else, but I wish I actually felt like I didn't need a relationship right now as well. It would be a relief.

But to answer your question, I did feel that way for a short period durning my separation. That I was going to go the rest of my life without a relationship, that I could never really love another, etc. It passed.

I think you are right about wanting to be focused on working on yourself. Even if you start to feel a change and want a relationship, don't let that sidetrack working on you. For me personally, one of the things I thought I needed was to have more guy friends. That won't chance if I get in a relationship.


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You don't say how old you are, but if you just lost your wife to cancer last year, it is very understandable that your libido is not back like it once was. Grief is a very consuming and difficult process. I have belonged to griefhealing.com for nearly five years now and I'd encourage you to go to the "loss of spouse" section and introduce yourself and get to know some of the people there. By reading you will find you are not alone and the things you experience are normal.
Please give yourself time to find who you are, just yourself, and try not to worry so much about the future. Spend time on things you enjoy, not just things you have to do.
I don't know what your marriage was like, if it had problems, a lot of them do, and the people who lose a spouse to death cover a wide array of marriages, good, bad, and everything inbetween. Some people gloss over the problems after the spouse died, it doesn't sound like you're one of those people. You can speak candidly on griefhealing.com and know there will be someone who will relate, in fact, it will encourage others to open up and get real about their own situations too. All of that is stuff we have to deal with when we lose a spouse, so there is the missing them, the loss of companionship, loss of income, loss of that other person that does things around the place, loss of someone you used to confide in, loss involving holidays, loss of everything you knew that was your life...give yourself time to work through all that, I'd say at least three years for starters.
Good luck to you.


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I ditto K's post.
There are plenty of widows/widowers that don't remarry. Some do.

One thing to ask yourself is if you are grieving or depressed. I've suffered depression often, so when I lost my husband, I was worried about sliding into another one. I didn't. The grief and mourning is very different from the grey haze and numbness of depression. That said, a year and a half later, my life still feels a litte at loose ends. I'm in an in between time.


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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
..Those of us who have had our marriages and dreams shattered by the heartlessness of our spouse's affair may be more deeply affected.

My marriage also had those problems so probably this is true about my sitch

But I think this is the result of the wounding we have suffered. It's necessary to heal, and until we are able to look ourselves in the mirror and think of ourselves as worthy, we really aren't.

Thx Fred this is so wise and true. Im not gonna rush things.

[quote---I don't believe God intends for us to be alone. There is someone out there for you. She's just not ready for you yet. So you just have to keep on being the person you are meant to be, and when the time is right, you'll meet.---quote]
I thought The Leopard was the fulfillment of that prophesy. Apparently, she was not. So I will continue being the person I'm meant to be and what happens, happens. It all happens in God's time, not mine.

All I can be is me anyways. The best me as possible and do my best. If God wants me to have another relationship it will happen. I think hes working on me in ways I do not realize yet. I must trust him for my future. The relationship with Him and being happy with myself is my Job 1.


Thank you Fred, your a good friend.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: dkd
I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. The depression is something else, but I wish I actually felt like I didn't need a relationship right now as well. It would be a relief.

But to answer your question, I did feel that way for a short period durning my separation. That I was going to go the rest of my life without a relationship, that I could never really love another, etc. It passed.

I think you are right about wanting to be focused on working on yourself. Even if you start to feel a change and want a relationship, don't let that sidetrack working on you. For me personally, one of the things I thought I needed was to have more guy friends. That won't chance if I get in a relationship.


Thx Dkd, I will keep working on me right now. Im glad that I have that chance. I will never get into a relationship without using MB principles so when that happens or if it happens I would hope I allready have learned how to take care of me. Along with knowing my limitations...All that stuff.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: kaycstamper
You don't say how old you are, but if you just lost your wife to cancer last year, it is very understandable that your libido is not back like it once was. Grief is a very consuming and difficult process. I have belonged to griefhealing.com for nearly five years now and I'd encourage you to go to the "loss of spouse" section and introduce yourself and get to know some of the people there. By reading you will find you are not alone and the things you experience are normal.
Please give yourself time to find who you are, just yourself, and try not to worry so much about the future. Spend time on things you enjoy, not just things you have to do.
I don't know what your marriage was like, if it had problems, a lot of them do, and the people who lose a spouse to death cover a wide array of marriages, good, bad, and everything inbetween. Some people gloss over the problems after the spouse died, it doesn't sound like you're one of those people. You can speak candidly on griefhealing.com and know there will be someone who will relate, in fact, it will encourage others to open up and get real about their own situations too. All of that is stuff we have to deal with when we lose a spouse, so there is the missing them, the loss of companionship, loss of income, loss of that other person that does things around the place, loss of someone you used to confide in, loss involving holidays, loss of everything you knew that was your life...give yourself time to work through all that, I'd say at least three years for starters.
Good luck to you.


Im 52 and this was my second marraige which was for 24 years. It had a lot of really painful issues for the last ten years but had hope in the ten years prior. The first 4 were a battle against her alcohol issues. I think because we struggled so hard I became so used to it now my mind doesn't know what to do anymore. So it is time to take a deep breath and learn to balance.

I will look into that website you have suggested. If you have been there 5 years it must have merit as you have insight IMO.

Three years for starters sounds right just to work through whats happened and the changes that I have to adjust to. I can respect the old tradition of being in mourning for 7 years before you seek another mate. that seems about right too, at least in my case thats a rough timeline I can speculate on.

Untill then there are plenty of great things life has to offer and I am feeling more connected every day


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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All the widows/widowers I've talked to have said there is no such thing in normal. And that seems to apply to when, and if, you have a new romantic relationship. There are just so many variables. A friend of mine married his wife less than a year after her first husband died. He had 7 fabulous years with her before she succumed to brain cancer.

One thing you need to consider is that if your marriage wasn't all that you wanted, you may have learned bad habits. Those bad habits may need to be overcome before you can be a good mate for someone else.

For me, the loss of my husband was radically different than the divorce from my girls' father. The healing has been different. (BTW, Fred, I think "differently affected" is probably more accurate than "more affected." When one loses a spouse to death, and the relationship was strong, it leaves a hole that cannot be rationalized away with "Well, she wasn't who I thought she was," or "He changed into someone I don't even know." ) Back to you, Sorted. I'm not sure I'm typical or that there is a typical. You may have some of the healing that divorced people go through along with the mourning of the death of a spouse. I know that my sister-in-law whose husband committed suicide had a different healing processes than me.


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Originally Posted By: Greengables
I ditto K's post.
There are plenty of widows/widowers that don't remarry. Some do.

Yes one of the most confusing things to me is that although I desired to be married someday when I was younger it was not something that I felt I needed to feel alright about myself. I want to get back to that place somewhat where I am OK again. Married or not we should be OK with ourselves. Freinds and relationships have more to them than marriage and I can be very happy just being freinds and social. Once I understood the importance of fidelity and had strong boundaries set for myself it was easy to keep my mind out of the gutter and have many close friends of both genders.

So I would gauge myself as healthy if I could be that way again. To get remarried is a completly different animal. I probably wont.


One thing to ask yourself is if you are grieving or depressed.

Good question and I think both for a while now but the greiving is not as intense as before.

I had been slipping into depression slowly for years. It started in the mid-90s as work and stress was intense along with health issues. Then it got worse as my wife atarted to slip back into anxiety, frustration and bitterness when things didn't seem to be working out the way she expected.

I worked harder under more stress and the cycle started down for the marrige. In 2000 she started drinking again and by 2002 she was hiding a drug habit from me which she pulled off till 2004. Shortly afetr that she announced she was going to leave and move in with a new guy. All this right after I had lost my job because I had a broken shoulder. Thats when I fell apart and started to lose what was left of self-esteem.

Prior to this time my wife kept any binges or "indescretions" (shall we call them?) hidden from me because she knew i would walk or ask her to if I found out. This time she was so addicted to drugs and her fantasy of being with the coke-head businessman she had roped that she just commpletly fell off the real world. Any selfrespect or pride I had left went out the window as I did what I knew was death to our survival, I panicked. My family scattered and I found myself on the streets.

It took a year, till 2005 to get a steady job and apartment again and shortly after she came home. Addicited and sick and although we loved her out of it as much as we could she never quite completely recovered as she fought treatment in recovery centers. We got her in a methadone program, got her to stop drinking. brought her to her counsellors and encouraged her to stop smoking and listen to the doctors and she would just get up and walk to the package store after she borrowwed money from whomever.


We decided that we should take care of her because when her BF threw her on the streets she still wouldn't see what she was doing to herself and chose to live there rather than get real help. We did everything we could to get her better but she refused to accept help.


So when she died Greengables I feel in completly to depression. AFter the six months of no sleep and her constant pain and hospital stays. I was comepletly stressed out. I don't think I even want to know how depressed I am on a comparitive scale. I know I want it to end and I am taking steps to make it . I see a counselor and shrink along with involing myself as much as possible to helping others. I am reading books and taking care of my health but everything is moving so slowly. I want to be better now so i can do better now.

What took me by surprize is how much hope had allways kept me going before. There was allways going to be a day when we would all be happy and healthy agian ya know?

The depression will take longer to address than the grieving I think but I am getting there


I've suffered depression often, so when I lost my husband, I was worried about sliding into another one. I didn't. The grief and mourning is very different from the grey haze and numbness of depression. That said, a year and a half later, my life still feels a litte at loose ends. I'm in an in between time.

This is interesting as I thought they were the same thing. But as I time goes on I see there is a difference. I am glad you are not suffering from it now Green. Im sure I will find my way out of the woods


Thx Green for the support. I will make good use of this info.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: Greengables
All the widows/widowers I've talked to have said there is no such thing in normal. And that seems to apply to when, and if, you have a new romantic relationship. There are just so many variables.

Makes sense to me


One thing you need to consider is that if your marriage wasn't all that you wanted, you may have learned bad habits. Those bad habits may need to be overcome before you can be a good mate for someone else.

This is a very important point to me that I am aware of. There is a thread here on the forum W02s/ about how her damaged husband fell right back into old habits he developed in his first two marriages? Similar things could definatly happen to me. It would take a lot of time and work...


.......When one loses a spouse to death, and the relationship was strong, it leaves a hole that cannot be rationalized away with .........


Funny I talked to God about the hole I felt in myself every day for months..cryed..pleaded for help and understanding why .... I eventually realized that it was my own unrealistic expectations that the hole represented.. The truth is we are to take care of these vessels and if we don't God will take us home.


Sorted. I'm not sure I'm typical or that there is a typical. You may have some of the healing that divorced people go through along with the mourning of the death of a spouse. I know that my sister-in-law whose husband committed suicide had a different healing processes than me.




I felt much better when I learned that there is no normal years ago and I don't think I have ever been typical. Heck some of the best things about us are the differences we have.

Thanx again Green. Do you have thread and can I look in on it?


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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SSO, my threads are all very old. I'm willing to answer any questions you have. The exception is the one I started 11/2008 when Mike died.

As someone who had depression off and on for many years starting at a young age, here's what works for me:
1. Therapy (talk and drug--the new drugs are awesome!)
2. Exercise--this one will seem impossible, just like getting out of bed, but it makes a huge difference
3. I talk to the depression. I imagine myself doing battle with it whenever I'm depressed. I try to identify negative thoughts that are the result of the depression, and not my usual thought pattern.
4. Celebrate the small victories every day. Getting out of bed is a victory. Talking to someone is a victory. Doing any sort of work, or staying organized is a victory.

SSO, you and your family have been through the wringer. You will come out of this stronger than you can ever imagine. Just think what you have survived already! I bet you one day in the not too distant future, you're going to be someone's rock. Don't know what kind of rock, but a rock.

Have you read a book called The Survivor's Club? I loved this book. It is about what survivors of traumatic events have in common. I bet you'll find a lot of aspects of yourself in that book.


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Wow GG I gotta bring Son to work but this brought tears to my eyes.

BBL

TY


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted By: Greengables
SSO, my threads are all very old. I'm willing to answer any questions you have. The exception is the one I started 11/2008 when Mike died.


I will look into it anyway. just to identify internally if nothing else. Much of being here on the forum has been doing that. Mel gave me some very good advice to my first thread. She told me in so many words not to dwell on the past. Thats allways good advice.
I will look into your thread to see what I can identify with especially as it pertains to the depression issues and how your thought processes worked them out. I am very perceptive, that as anything else comes with its own set of caution signs because as you allready know, misery loves company. Empathy can becomes sympathy and I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I would rather avoid the pain and help others.
At this time in my life I am interested in overcoming my personal problems and living the best I can and that requires introspection with a foothold on reality. Studying others who have had depression depression and have overcome as you have will help me emmensly.


As someone who had depression off and on for many years starting at a young age, here's what works for me:

I have been dealing with it also since a young age.


1. Therapy (talk and drug--the new drugs are awesome!)

My poor Mom and freinds.. They have had to hear me talk out more than they could handle when I was in the very tough times. I ussually try to handle everything without advice and by the time I go get help I am yammering so many details they are overwhelmed. I then stuff it down and deal with it.

What drugs do you suggest? I will discuss them with my doctor this month.



2. Exercise--this one will seem impossible, just like getting out of bed, but it makes a huge difference


Because others count on me and everyone has to pull thier own weight in life the best thing for me was physical work. Getting out of bed ussually meant just telling myself whatever I felt was irrelevent to the reality of what needed to be done for the day. Also running away in my mind to me equaled fear and I knew that if I was to allow that to reign there is no end to the pit I would fall into. So my thoghts needed to be stuffed down and as you know, soon it becomes understood that I was worried about nothing anyways.

I still had the guilt of feeling sorry for myself to deal with though and that becomes a circle of self doubt if not dealt with. I need to have more than a hope that things will get better but instead live in the truth that life is good.


3. I talk to the depression. I imagine myself doing battle with it whenever I'm depressed. I try to identify negative thoughts that are the result of the depression, and not my usual thought pattern.

I would do the same but again I internalized guilt. I would get so angry at the issue that I would abuse myself. I would look at a wound and stick the knife in deeper and twist it taking on stuff that nobody in thier right mind would. I would try to harden my heart in an effort to scar over what had given me pain in the past. Wife cheated on me? Well I will just handle it and love them anyways. Dad called me a pansy when I was a child? Well i would show him what a worker I was and fear nothing. Sound familiar GG? I hope not I was lost.


4. Celebrate the small victories every day. Getting out of bed is a victory. Talking to someone is a victory. Doing any sort of work, or staying organized is a victory.

As the depression worsened I found it harder to stay organized It has allways been a challenge and a proud acomplishment along with giving me peace of mind to have a place for everything and everything in its place.

The small victorys have become exceedingly small as time went on. The saying "Suffiecient to the day is the Evil thereof" became more of an excuse than a comfort as I saw things getting worse for us..which meant me of course.



SSO, you and your family have been through the wringer. You will come out of this stronger than you can ever imagine. Just think what you have survived already! I bet you one day in the not too distant future, you're going to be someone's rock. Don't know what kind of rock, but a rock.


My wife used to call me her rock. As stuff wore me down instaed of grabbing a positive attitude and seeking support to get that the guilt and depression drove me deeper. But I stuck to the knowledge I had that she was a troubled individual and who I saw her be when she was herself. That became my only purpose in life. I realize now it became the blind leading the blind. What I was doing was maybe noble because I loved her but I should have trusted God for her more but what has happened to my faith would be a subject for a whole thread. I wish I had saought out a place like MB and thrown my trust into it a long time ago.

I miss being her rock like I was when I was in much better shape. Being someones stability and a source of hope for them is a privelge that I will give God the credit for because I am only human. He is the author of anything good we have and at best we can plaugerize his thoughts and love for others.

I think that a major part of my grief and loss is not feeling needed anymore in that way. If I ever become someones rock of any kind I hope it is to show them freedom from the lies we perpetuate upon ourselves and others that tell us we are not worthy. I don't need to be married to do that but I sure need to be living that way myself.



Have you read a book called The Survivor's Club? I loved this book. It is about what survivors of traumatic events have in common. I bet you'll find a lot of aspects of yourself in that book.


I will get that book ASAP.. My mind needs it



Thx again GG


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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S, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I don't know you, so I could be wrong.

I agree with you that God is the ultimate Rock. It just amazes me how he uses us to be rocks for others.

I'll tell you something in confidence, or as much in confidence as it can be in a public place. When Mike died, I asked God why couldn't He have given Mike just three more years so that we could have had that time together. Of course, I knew it would never have been enough. But, the answer surprised me. "Who said I didn't already give him three extra years?" Okay, maybe God didn't actually use those words, or any words, but the answer was clear.
And as I thought and prayed about it, the answer further chrystalized. Mike didn't come into my life for a reason. I went into his life for a reason. Those three years, the best three years of my entire life, they weren't about me. They were about Mike. What I got out of it was a bonus. The physical evidence suggests that Mike could have died at any time in the last several years. His heart was very enlarged. But, he didn't. Instead we had a terrific relationship. It was the first healthy adult relationship either of us had had. Mike had never been married, but he wanted a wife and a ready-made family. He got that at least, and probably a bunch more which I'm not privy to.

Sometimes, we get to catch a glimpse of the tapestry of which we're just a small thread. I haven't a clue what your section of the tapestry looks like, but I know there's a pattern there. And all will be well.

BTW, speaking of empathy and sympathy.... One side effect of me learning to deal with my depression and life in general is I'm fairly tough. I see all the painful parts of life as "growth opportunities." We do our fastest growing and changing when we're so uncomfortable we feel driven to change. So, I don't feel sorry for people much. I try to empathize and honestly, I work on that.

In other ramblings, I think we were ill served when we gave up the saying "This life is a vale of tears." It's wonderful, and exciting, and joyful, but it's also a vale of tears. We do a disservice when we don't acknowledge that a lot of the time life is unhappy or stressful or worrisome, or just plain hard work.

Take care of yourself. And if I disappear off the boards for a while, you can reach me at my email.

OH, I almost forgot about the meds. Discuss this with your doctor. I find it ideal if your psychiatrist does the talk therapy, but I understand most of the time they don't. I like Lexapro, but have also had wonderful results with Paxil. For me, this new drugs, as opposed to the stuff from 20 years ago, work fast. The down side is I get all the common side effects, like constipation and reduced libido and dry mouth. I usually am off them in three months or so, but I'm unusual. The important thing is to work closely with a psychatrist on this to get dosage and compound right.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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I give three years for a starters guideline as just that...a guideline...everyone is different, every situation is different. I made the mistake of remarrying 1 1/2 years after George passed away. I realize now that I was working too hard on trying to "rebuild" my life...it turned out to NOT be a good decision, he was a con man that caused me a lot of pain, financial ruin, and left me with a broken heart and trust baggage to boot. I wish I'd done things differently and taken more time to get used to just being ME, me without George...I have lived alone a lot of my life so it's not that I can't do that, but when you've had a great relationship with someone, you miss it.
I realize now that no one will ever be able to step into George's shoes. What I look for at this point of my life is entirely different...a friend, a companion, someone I can enjoy, but I don't expect what George and I had, that is extremely rare. HOWEVER, neither do I want to sell myself short or settle for less than I should have! So there's a balance to be struck. The main thing is taking my time, you can't be too sure! I am currently seeing someone and we are enjoying it and I'm in no hurry to change anything, we can take our time with it.

I have known others who did remarry soon and it was great, but there are also many who did that regretted it. Whether or not someone chooses to enter another relationship is a very individual preference. I have learned there is no "right or wrong", there is just our own way, when it comes to grieving. The important thing to know is that what we go through is being affected in so many ways on a vast level and that is normal and to be expected...within that range, there will be varied responses...we can't judge others' responses, but we can be here to encourage, listen, respect, and care about them. I have learned more from my grief site than in all of my life combined. I have developed close friendships with these dear people, and it is a place dear to my heart. Over the years we have cried, laughed, shared, learned and grown together as we went through our grief journeys.

Divorce and death have some similarities in that they both require adjustments on our part and getting used to being alone and doing everything on our own. They have differences in that with death you miss the person beyond belief and can't reach them...and with divorce you may or may not miss them but you recognize they weren't such a great thing for you and that helps you over them...however, the relationship may leave baggage. That CAN happen with death too if the marriage wasn't the best. Loss is loss, though, and it takes a great deal to make our way through all that it entails.

I wish you the best! You are here seeking answers and that is good...I have no doubt that you will make it to a happy place in life.

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Regarding the meds, I'm on wellbuttin myself. I've been on it for over 2 years now, even before the separation and subsequent divorce. Like othes said, depression came and went throughout my life.

One trick I've noticed I use a lot is that when I'm feeling down, I ask myself what's going on my life that would cause me to feel that way. Often, there is no good answer, and I can just chalk it up as a medical condition. This reduces any added stress and makes me feel like I can rest, relax, and better enjoy whatever is I'm doing. There is nothing for me to try and fix.

And GG, I completely get your conversation with God reagarding Mike's passing. It makes perfect sense and a great way to look at it. That doesn't work well for those of us who's marriage ended in divorce or was just a bad marriage. God didn't do this. I and my ex made our mistakes and we need to take responsibility and learn from them. I could ask God why he didn't make my ex love me, or love me more, but I know it's for the same reason that he doesn't make me love him. Love doesn't mean much of it's not a conscious choice. I take the fact that God stated he hates divorce tom mean that he understands how I feel/felt and wish it were otherwise. Given that, I can accept it a whole lot better.


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DS 10,6
DD 4
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DKD, I know it doesn't work with divorce. I was divorced myself. In the case of my first marriage, God sent me several hints that this was not what He wanted. I ignored them, and it was a mess. Bill and I were deeply incompatible. Had we dated longer than a year before marrying, I think we would have seen that.

Also, I wasn't suggesting that what happened to Mike and me applies to anyone else. And, I don't think God had Mike die. Mike chose not to go the doctor EVER as an adult. His death was a direct result of not ever having a check up. It was totally preventable, and I'm very angry at him. I suspect that God would have much preferred that Mike go to the dr get on blood pressure meds and live a long and happy life with me. Free will is a real downer sometimes! We humans can really a make a mess.

And yet through it all, there are moments of shining goodness, of strength and clarity, of wonder and awe.


Divorced.
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Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Originally Posted By: dkd
I take the fact that God stated he hates divorce tom mean that he understands how I feel/felt and wish it were otherwise. Given that, I can accept it a whole lot better.

That is so right on! It's not that God enjoys making rules and regulations so much as He wants to spare us the heartache that comes with divorce...He knows the ramifications and how it affects everyone. So when we find ourselves IN a divorce, we can be assured He does know the pain we're in and He cares.

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I have my own "God moment."

When The Leopard first moved out, she had no job, no money, no credit and no place to go (permanently shacking up with OM was not possible). I felt that she would very quickly come to her senses and realize that home was not only where the heart is, but also the roof, the food, the health care, and so on.

But shortly after, I learned that her family property, which had lain vacant for almost ten years, was being sold by the responsible relative and she would share in the proceeds.

My heart sunk.

There goes my leverage, I thought to myself. But then, a much wiser person than myself told me, "Fred, maybe your Higher Power is looking out for BOTH of you!"

Wow.

Having now had the luxury of evaluating the marriage from the perspective of time, that comment was more prophetic than I could have imagined!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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