Thanks for your reply ... it really gives me continued hope. Sorry i dont post very often i get so caught up in life.

Yesterday was really bad emotionaly for both of us, but today is a better day and i woke up this morning and descided to choose to have a good day and try to focus on the little things that bring moments of joy for me such as my children smiling etc and avoid the negativity for a while kinda like a time out for my heart.. I love my wife with all my heart and soul and body and mind and some of the things shes been saying really break my heart... well .. maybe not so much my mind these days ... but ...One day at a time. I know im DEF no prince charming and got alot to work on myself aswell.

As for posting to others ... im not sure i feel qualified to assist others when i cant even fix my own problems. But I guess not everyones problems are the same and maybe i do have something to offer so ill try and do that too.

I am glad for this resource and the encouragement... its helped ease my struggles a few times now and keep my hopes up. But of course its a continuing effort and nothing changes over night.

Sounds like a plan you've formulated (focusing on the tiny joys, finding your gratitude in the midst of pain) to get you through to 3/2/10.

You do have something to offer. That's the given of being human. As to credibility--that's for others to decide. Yours is to share...that's under your control.

When she says your trigger phrase (I love you but am not in love with you), what have you said in response?

Some responses you can give her, if they are honest for you:

"Oh, I understand you don't feel in love with me right now. I remember you feeling that way before. I want you to have a lot of loving feelings for me and I believe we're taking the steps so that we both can be in love with each other again."

Remind yourself that she chooses to be married to you every single day...comes from her mind, not her heart, when she no longer has loving feelings...she still chooses you.

As do you.

Even when you don't feel like it...and we don't, all the time. Choice is ours.

Tell her today you feel better because of the way you're choosing your thoughts. Treat her as your equal partner, for she is...and her not feeling in love with you is also due to her own choices, too. Not all you. She can block your love deposits, by discounting and dismissing them. You can't control that.

Make them, anyway.



LA

Thanks LA, Your advice is very sound.


I told her that it breaks my heart to hear those words and that i am still in love with her no matter what.

As for making love deposits and not being able to control how she responds to it and doing it anyways, I will do that. That makes alot of sence.

I think tonight we are at a truce today ... i just called her and shes excited to get the kids to bed and watch "survivor" tonight, and since we live in vancouver we will be watching the mens hockey tonight too (we both are canucks fans and fans of team canada for the olympic hockey). So it seems we have both stopped putting focus on the negative for at least today, so im not going to bring up anyhting tonight so we can keep the peace and enjoy an evening without DJ's and AO's and see where the evening leads us to.

Thanks

Update appreciated...scheduling a 20minute time to talk about lovebusters and EN deposits, once a week, is really healthy. And telling her ahead of time (even a few days) to POJA that time, is great (can make love deposits themselves)...and for you to say during that Relationship talk time, "I understood you believe you aren't in love with me right now."

Will take some of the stab out of it...and you lied to her when you said you'd feel in love with her no matter what. You can not feel in love (when LBs are draining the bank faster than the deposits), and you will still act from love for her, because that's what you do...and THEN the loving feelings follow.

Don't cut your wife out of the equation...she really won't feel fully in love with you if she's not acting from love (or discounts her loving actions...feelings follow actions, not the other way around).

Not all you...but mostly...and you handled yourself really well, I think, MNG.

LA

great story and good feedback.
Good luck to you and to your family.

Thanks Christian. If we stay focused and commited and not let our hearts lead us but lead our hearts then all should be ok eventually. I hope. With god there is always hope and it is my belief that everything happens for a reason and god will turn it into good.

But an update ... canada lost vs usa. BOooo ... lol .. seriously tho the update i wanted to talk about was my MC called me yesterday asking if i could bump up our appointment to TODAY! ... So i did a mad panic rush to find a bb sitter for our children to make this happen .. and now it is.

I am nervous .. I have never done anyhting like this ... nor do i know what to expect. Our MC is a christian MC so im hoping that it will have a good impact on us both and bring us back to a level playing field.. One thing i hope is that my wife doesnt descide that she doesnt need this after one session but keeps an open mind to what the MC has to say. Also it seems my wife, through the love dare book, is coming to realize that love isnt always a feeling you have .. but a choice and so with that attitude she initiated SF for meh! .. woots! I had said this to her before but shes didnt hear me i guess but now that shes looking into it herself shes taken it on like her own idea. However, I was quite content .. but was taken back by it becasue its not like her to instigate SF, but ill take it! Also it could have been the 2 good talks we had heart to heart over the weekend without kids present, they where about 20mins each time but it sure felt good to just say what was on my mind instead of being timid and keeping it back and trying to not hurt feelings. I was afraid it was going to end in a fight .. but they both ended in hugs so your right LA they did deposit into the love banks.

LA you stated i lied ... i guess you could look at it that way. But the way i see it is, that even if im not feeling in love .. im still in love with my wife so i say it to affirm that i do love her no matter what. I guess the context was wrong in which it was stated.

What are some of the things i should expect from a MC session ... especially my first one .. what should i ask?? How will i know if this person will be right for us to work out our issues? What should i look for? My wife seems to think things are getting better already without the MC involved .. but i think otherwise and that our emotions will hit the fan again next time we fight and bring it alll up again right where we left off. I dont want that ...

edit: I need to update my sig ... its been almost a year since i did.

Edit2: ok sig updated

*oops, posted in the wrong thread. Sorry!*

MNG,

Yes, I think that was what you meant all along...just watch your words so that they are truer than before...like you've already been doing (the two 20 min talks with your wife)...and HUGE HURRAHS for your wife and initiating SF! If that hit your admiration and appreciation in a big way, be sure to pass that back to her with all your sincerity...because to me, it sounds like she made some major love deposits.




This is beautifully put. Great choice in choosing a Christian MC...and for feeling afraid and going, anyway.

You're rockin' it.

When we say no matter what, we're in the extreme...because if you both divorced and stopped meeting each other ENs, had little to no contact over time...then you really would not have any loving feelings left for her (and that can happen in the marriage, too, when both of you are in deep withdrawal, same situations)...so the no matter what isn't real...over time and changes, your choice can change to love your wife, even in a healthy way, because of her choices to leave the marriage, have no contact...or yours to choose not to...

However, that doesn't take away from the way I see you committed to The Marriage...you are going to love, honor, respect and cherish The Marriage, no matter what, even when you don't feel like doing those for your wife sometimes. As long as The Marriage is there, so are you. That's what I really hear you saying...acting from love for The Union...

You have chosen a Christian, Pro-Marriage counselor...ask him about his/her knowledge of Marriage Builders or Dr. Willard Harley's work? Both of you will be asked what your goal for counseling is...and it's okay if you have different goals.

You will know as you go, MNG...ask for what you want most, for clarification when you don't understand...ask for homework exercises for communication, intimacy, understanding...for healthy connection through conflict (being safe to negotiate with each other)...

and especially, how to slip up, react in old ways temporarily, and truly forgive and amend...and keep the new behaviors going...because you truly do love one another and want to have a thriving, in-love marriage.

Do the homework, reading assignments...do not interrupt or talk over your spouse or the MC during the session. If you don't believe you're being heard, understood (okay not to be agreed with) or validated, then tell the MC.

Trust God to bring you who and what you need, when you need it...and to participate in the process.

You're doing great...

LA

Edited becasue i think i wrote too much info .... i will think of a better way to type it out later.

Ok ... just an update here. My wife and I attended 4 sessions of marriage counselling. First time .. we went together. That went ok ... wasnt quite what i expected but none the less my wife came and i felt very supported because she did descide to go after previously telling me no. During the session we discussed alot of things ... but she (the MC) kept asking how that made us FEEL ... when we left (she gave us an extra 30mins almost of free time due to my wifes emotional state after rehashing everything, we left feeling a bit ripped off .. but none the less we made 3 more appointments.

The 2nd appointment i was asked to come in by myself incase i was with holding info due to my spouses presence in the previous session. That wasnt the case really .. but i went along with it anyhow. We talked alot more this time becasue the previous session was a vent fest for my wife with alot of exagerations like "you always" and "you never" statements and alot of how she feels. But i felt the counsellor was seeing through that anyhow by watching my body language while my wife vented. Anyhow ... my session ended up being mostly about my past as she asked questions that dug deeper into my childhood i guess to try and find the root of the negative behaviours that may have fallen into instincts and habits as the MB principles indicate. She was also aware of MB concepts but didnt really acknoledge them very much. That was all fine and she asked me to just have some more patience for my wife at the end of it and said she would address some of hte discussed issues with her and ask her more about her childhood and her side of things again on the next visit.

The 3rd visit was for my wife to go in alone .. dont know what was said ... didnt really care to ask my wife what was said. My wife came abck with a seemingly new outlook on things .. but complained about the cost! IT was after that that i re printed out all the MB stuff into a binder and told my wife that if we could just spend time together going through THIS stuff there would be no need for our MC (but i think it did break the ice for her). She kinda sorta agreed but since we had one more appointment coming up .. we would do some of that and also shee what the MC would have to say after we reunited in her presence after both of our individual sessions.

Session 4 both my wife and I had totally different outlooks on things. We for some reason had a shift in energy after reading POJA and PORA and the love bank concept. My wife and I both explained what we needed to do for each other using the principles and as she started discussing it .. it wasnt emotional anymore. It became quite clear what we had to do! The MC was smiling tho because we were snuggling in the waiting room when she came to get us and we both had positive energy coming from us and both had rational thought processing going on and she could see we were feeling in love. She had given my wife some homework on session 3 and we did it together and presented it to her on our together session and she seemed quite pleased.

After the 4th session was over .. we didnt make any more appointments. We walked out cuddling and holding hands with smiles on our faces.

During our times in between sessions .. as we began to read the MB principles TOGETHER (that was very awesome btw the feeling nad sharing HNHN with my wife and reading outloud it began to click in my wifes head! She was constantly coming up with examples of her own that she could relate to and got increasingly more excited about the info as she relate4d to it more and more. We are not done the book but read all the BASICS stuff out loud before we started the book that i had printed off sitting in bed together (very romantic btw)and then proceeded to the book. After reading the first 2 chapters of HNHN thats when the light bulb really came on for her (this was after the 4th MC session tho because she agreed if we cut out MC due to costs she would whole heartedly take on MB with me) And shes glad she did even tho she didnt want to hear it from me at first. It took some time for her to cool down and let out her emotions and have the counsellor bounce it back to her and have my mind set changed to be more understanding.

In the mean time ... SF has become much MUCH better my wife approached me with the offer several times now (none of which i turned down of course) I have been feeling loved enough to give her the space she needs when she needs it and she has not turned on her pc to talk to any guys on MSN to bring the negative emotional feelings back and out love banks are climbing like mad now! I no longer feel needy! its such a relief! Our converstaions are very pleasant and things seem to be shifting back to what it felt like before i had children. WOW its a dream come true! The response from my wife after things starting clicking in her head helped show her where shes at fault .. and also the entire MB principles are a double edged sword for both ppl! Which was another turning point for her.. she assumed that becasue it was my idea .. i was trying ot use it against her when in fact by doing it togther (reading a chapter every few nights) that i really wasnt trying to do that at all!

All i can say is it seems for the first time ever ... we have a new understanding and new refound energy that we didnt previously have. And it feels like an absolute blessing! I feel WHOLE again! Being in a state of intimacy with my wife SF or non SF for both of us (in equal portions) has left us feeling in love again with O&H communication (initiated by MC at first) and now even RC. My wife really has had the blinders lifted from her eyes and my own blinders aswell! I have been blind the entire time!

Sorry for the long drawn out post ... but I feel like a new man!

*flexes*

Congratulations, MNG...and welcome back. What a great update.

Woohoo...and what a huge discovery why your W was resistant to MB...that assumption nearly cost your marriage...seems to me you had to go through those four appts with MC so W could see you were looking out for her, too, with MB.

Thank you so much for sharing...



LA

Thanx LA .. earlier this week i tried to PM you .. but the PMs here dont work

YOur right .. that assumption did nearly cost us our M, I had previously assumed my wife was having an EA with the MSN guys or guy .. or whatever, but she really wasnt in her mind .. she just needed clairity and understanding (HNHN made that possible once she accepted to do it by cutting out MC by POJA). But most of the confusion came from our own lack of understanding of OURSELVES! Being so young and growing up together coming from different styles of broken families we realized we were numb to certain things that we otherwise shouldnt be had we have been raised in normal families that were not broken. Once the light bulb came on it took only about 2 weeks to really feel in love again. With our belief in jesus .. and a new found energy in our love forgivness came almost instantly between us after the realization of what we needed to do and we began to open up again and really converse with our hearts open. We havent quite got the 15hrs a week prolly about 10 or 9 hrs .. but .. its a DARN GOOD START!

My wife made a comment the other day. "How did we ever find time for the internet before because it seems like we dont have time for it anymore at all!" She said it in a good tone tho .. like a revelation of the source of our problems and now all she wants to do is hug me and love me and hang out with me ... small talk with me .. walk with me .. and have deep conversations after the kids are in bed! Oh and read HNHN too :P we still gotta finish that tho. my wife even said she may just make an acct here to help others when shes bored becasue its all very clear now in her mind and it all makes sense! what really got her going tho to grasp it all about he love bank was when her mother came to visit us .. and my wifes dad was over (they are seperated and divorced btw) that she said she still felt love for him for some reason. Thats when the love bank theory clicked for my wife .. shes like no wonder she loves him still ... her love acct for him was not empty and they had divorced for the wrong reasons! (no infidelity just incompatibility with out a drive to make it work regardless of feelings)

If only more ppl could just let go ... hand it all to god ... and forgive each other regardless of wrongs and move forward whole heartedly with the concepts here ... ppl would have alot less troubles with their marriages i think .. but its never that simple. *shrugs*

I feel like i can take on the world now!

The PM feature on MB has never been enabled. The site is a mixed site with VERY emotionally troubled, VERY vulnerable members. Off board communication is very dangerous & HIGHLY discouraged. Many members have spouses that have become involved with OP's due to various types of internet communication,,,chat rooms, IM's, PM's....etc. MB does not wish to contribute to that possibility and choose to have all communication between members ON the open forums.

Thank you, Lil...and it's great that they don't work, MNG, because then you'd have to post...

and many others you'll never know would be helped.



I can relate to not knowing how to treat each other better pre-MB, because we were numb, too, doing what our families did growing up.

For me, MB raised the bar...be sure to do that in your marriage (as you're already doing)...and keep it raised...because you can treat each other better and better, keeping you both in love and proud of yourselves.

LA

Just a quick Update ... I cant THANK you guys enough .. I know i dont post much and my posts are far and few between .. but this site, now that my wife is on board with it, is a tool that EVERY marriage should have and follow .. infact i think HNHN should be a prerequisite to read before you marry your partner. This "program" has UNDOUBTEDLY saved my marriage from disaster. MANY times I had been tempted to get my SF fulfilled outside marriage but did not ... i struggled on and on for YEARS. THANKFULLY i did not have to endure infedelity but it was DEF on that course.

Recently my wife and I got HNHN for parents and it has helped us manage our time better with our kids and our selves. For hte longest time it was really hard to see just how important the marriage is. You figure .. "hey im married its all up hill from here full of sacrifices and giving up your needs etc" when the reality is you have to focus on eachother even more! We have learned also how many of the friendships in our marriage were really toxic to us .. of course we didnt see it for alot of years .. but as the "fog lifts" it has really become clear who is a friend of our marriage and who is not. THAT has opened another can of worms but .. my wife and I are stronger than ever now and are able to see these things with new light. Recently my wife and I are making love more often (initiated by her mostly now woots!) My wife no longer spends hours talking to guys she meets online and we are BEST friends again! She gets her emotional need for conversation met by me very often! Its amazing the things we can talk about when we are in a state of intimacy! I feel as thought hundred of pounds have lifted off my shoulders ... I feel like between my wife and I we can take on the world! The only downfall right now is findoug out who is toxic to our marriage and its been hurting my wife ... and well .. she needs to talk about it constantly to me now. We have lost many friends recently due to MB but gained a stronger marriage. The one main reason is that my wifes best friend was using us and just being nice to her during our times of struggling to get to me! I kinda seen it but paid not attention .. but the temptation got stronger and stronger as our marriage problems unfolded as we headed to marriage counselling in my previous posts. My wifes BF had the nerve to say to me .. "well since your not getting along with your wife very well you can always come visit me and spend the night here! ... BING RED FLAG! She has hit on me plenty but i always htought it was just for fun ... little did i know i was meeting her need for family support (playing with her kid and mine when she spent the weekends with us) My wife and her had it out after my wifes Best friend started texting me the details of her sexual activity with her new current BF and the difficulty she was having with him .. i tried over and over to get her to tell my wife those things and showed her the messages she kept sending me (radical honesty) .. but she never talked at all to my wife about them infact avoided conversations like that all together... my wife got very displeased with that and after 14 years of friendship .. with her BF .. its pretty much over now. Shes very sad that it had come to this but is glad for a stronger marriage. My children are FAR more emotionaly stable now that my wife and i no longer fight daily ... or every other day. And my wife no longer verbally abuses me when something happens that she doesnt like. One example of this is just recently my Stock portfolio dropped 75% .. didnt even phase her! She mentioned i made a mistake buying that particular stock .. but left it at that. I was shocked! NO swearing ... no cold shoulder ... i even got SF that night! ... WOW ... I love my wife! And She DEF loves me! I can feel it again ..I no longer dread going home after work .. my wife calls me during hte day to just say i love you (has never done that efore in our 16 years together) My marriage and relationship is the best its ever been ... even better than when i was dating. i just cant NOT believe how effective this MB is once it is implimented by both partners.


I dont know if you guys got any advice for me to give my wife in regards to her best friend situation .. or if we should even try and do anyhting at all??

Thanks again for all your guys help and for DR Harley discovering how to restore love and not just fix marriage problems.

MnG

p.s. Sorry if i rambled ... i get that way sometimes.

Very cool to read MrNiceGuy, congratulations!

OK Its been a LONG while since i posted to my thread. And really this update is not about me.

Yesterday my wife had a drama bomb blow up in our faces. It began when my DD13 began to act a bit weird and was grouchy for no apparent reason. So my wife and I snooped on our daughters email to see that grandma had been confiding in our daughter that she was leaving grampa (her 2nd marriage) because all grandpa does is nag at her and she cant take it anymore. AFter this discovery we approached DD13 and asked if there was anythign on her mind (trying to get her to tell us without admitting to snooping) and she spilled the beans as soon as we asked. She was carrying this burden an had promised not to tell anyone.

Right after we got her story about grandma she let us go look at her emails and then the phone rang. It was grandma. I answered the phone and she then told me herself she was leaving her husband after 20 years because she is just not happy. Well my wife soon took the phone as I began to get uncomfortable with the conversation (being intimate and all) and asked her some questions... after much prodding she admitted that there was an affair but that she had told her pastor and he said to end it and she did (apparently) but is still very unhappy. She didnt admit or deny if it was sexual or not .. but that part doesnt matter. My wife then asked a few more questions and all she got was "what if i dont want to save my marriage" over and over. She then told us her pastor (whom she confides in aswell) that he reccommended to seperate for a week to cool off ... what a crock!!!! Fire that pastor! That does nothing but validate her feelings that being away from him makes her feel better .. so she wants to not ever go back!

We stewed and speculated on the little bit of info we had and began to wrap my head around the idea that my inlaws (who claim to be so holy .. and always nag us about some of our life choices about not attending church etc) needed some help. AFter much thought we descided to phone grandpa... at first he denied it .. said he was lost and didnt understand what was going on ... then said a few weeks prior that grama said it was over .. but he didnt really believe it .. then he finally admitted to suspecting something and we told him that she admitted to us that she had some form of an affair and this was the reason things were unfolding as they were.

We explained marriage builders to them according to what they needed to hear individually to bring them on board ... but grandma is in the fog .. and grandpa wants to just forgive and sweep it under the rug and have grandma return home. We have no SOLID evidence that she has had this affair other than her confession to my wife... and she is coming over this weekend to talk to us in person about it.

I need help forming a plan on how to bring them back together and onboard with marriagebuilders. Any suggestions? I am torn right now .. and feel convicted to help them through this .. i just need a bit of guidance.

MNG

edit for grammar ..

MNG, I would send grandpa to the SAA board and have him make a thread. We can guide him out of this if he will be a little more proactive. Don't send grandma here. I would strongly suggest that you ALL, you, your wife and your DD express to GMA how disappointed and SHAMED you are about her affair. She needs to hear this from you. Let her know that if she leaves GPA over her sleazy affair that you will not welcome her in your home and she won't be allowed around DD. You need to take a firm stance to wake her up. She is existing in a fogged out fantasy and needs a reality check. You can be a great help by expressing your disappointment.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair for them.

Who is the scumbag OM? Is he married? Find out who he is and say to her that this weasel has no future in your family because he will be eternally hated for breaking up her marriage. Tell her he can never darken your doorstep.

Thanks for your reply ML! I was not sure where to post this. Sorry it took so long to reply havent had much time to post as things have been very dramatic lately as everyone seems to be coming to my wife and I now for marital advice and support since they all thought MB was a crutch and now need advice. p.s. My wife and I are the youngest and almost the longest married in our family. ALl this has actually caused me to relive my own parents break up and cracked it open like it happened yesterday and that was over 20 years ago. I sent my own mother a letter finally telling her how I feel about how that all went down and shamed her irresposible behaviour and my dads too. Affairs seem to be the norm these days and anyone not having one is weird. BLAH!!!!!!


This is a problem. Grandma has the only computer they own in her possesion, a laptop. She took it with her when she left. Grandpa doesn't even know how to turn a PC on he has never really used one before.


Unfortunately, Grandma already knows of this place. Both of them know all the details of my thread pretty much in a nutshell and watched my wife and i go through all those hard times. My wife recently sent her a link to the emotional needs questionaires(we have reccommended them visit in the past to wrap their heads around why we are the way we are now) and just the other day she sent my wife a message back having a revelation about why she has felt the way she has for so long and sees now exactly how her hubby has missed the mark and notices her needs are exact opposite of her needs after actually doing the ENQ. So she may be here reading already which had me thinking not to start a thread that had anything to do with affairs and revealing someone elses. If she seen it .. she would recognize the story right away.


Grandma told my wife (whom she has a horrible relationship with) that this man had been a secret admirer for a bit sending flowers and then revealed himself and sent her gifts and then it carried on a bit from there. She then promptly stated that "pastor told her to end it and she did". Her exact quote. She stopped with the details after that. We explained to her that we could help her and grandpa with a plan to recover this and all she says is "what if i dont want to save my marriage.". Fog babble .. i know ... My wife and I figure there HAS to be more to this than she is admitting because she admitted to some form of an affair to my wife and they never talk. Red Flag Alert! She claims the affair is over but has not admitted if she has had sex with him or not.. just the gifts and flowers.


Yeah this is a hard one to chew on .. I feel like my wife and I have to do this fight for them since Grandpa seems too weak to be proactive at the moment. He wants us to welcome her into our home on Sunday and not say ANYTHING to make her mad. She will Run like the wind! She comes down to visit us on Sunday and We plan to have a conversation with her and help grandpa get the goods on the details of this affair since they are currently seperated and will not see each other becasue the pastor says to stay apart. We will be voice recording the conversation and are planning a wack of questions to ask. Basicly do a Plan A on her and a form of intervention with MB material. We will also tell her we are PRO marriage so she is either on Team Marriage .. or Team Affair and that may be a huge turning point in how the conversation moves forward or she blows up and leaves.


Ordered it last night .. its on its way to their home. Grandpa agreed to read it and is willing to listen to us to some degree. He just wants to forgive and forget and have his wife back. WE exclaimed you cant forget and forgiveness will come in time with just compensation.



No one knows who this guy is.. Grandpa only had a feeling something was wrong after grandma recieved flowers form another man and would not let him see the card. (this happened on their anniversary and later that night she said their marriage was over) OUCH! It could be someone from Church (grandma is highly involved and respected at her church and spends more time there than with her hubby) OR it could be a co worker becasue their home is out in the boonies and its a 1hr commute to town to get to her job and she often works on call becasue she is a nurse.(good excuse to leave though when home life sux! another red flag) One of the things I need to mention is that Grandpa is unemployed as the small town they are in has no work and grandmas job more than covers their bills. GRandma also claimed in her last message to us after teh ENQ that one of her top 5 needs are FS. Thats a red Flag to me that its a co-worker who has a job. And hence the contrast effect seed was planted. Who knows how long it went on for or if it is still going on .. or if it was sexual. But rest assured if it was recent .. she will be going through withdrawl .. and we explained that to grandpa and told him to go see his doctor and get some antidepressants. He said he doesnt need drugs... but yet is SUPER depressed. So to help them we are going to Plan A Grandma and persuade her to give us some details so we can help grandpa with what to do next.

Edited to add minor detail.

MNG, the most important thing is for him to find out WHO the OM is so he can bust up the affair. The affair is not over ad this guy is probably married. Put aside the questionnaires for now and focus him on killing the affair. A separation only serves to enable the affair, so I would advise them to get back together now.