Also....he fits very well with the definition of passive aggressive..which is a lot more prevalent

Passive-aggressive behavior:

Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of engendering a feeling of insecurity in others
Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
Making chaotic situations
Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
Obstructionism
Sulking
Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

Mulan, thank you for the thread
blessing

Sorry to keep posting like this...but I am thinking out loud
Now I understand what Melody meant about my H. He is so entitled (and gaslighting and maybe a sociopath) that for him to change his behaviour and understand the consequences of his actions is almost impossible....at least now. But I am afraid it is pretty much going to be permanetly that way.
Now I also understand what collegues tell me about him and how cold and mean he can be.
I now see my H with different eyes. He is sick and he is not willing to seek help. There is nothing I can do.
Blessing

Dont apologise, it's your thread and provided you don't violate TOS, you can do what ever you want with it LOL

Yes, you are right!

So...
thinking back at our 20 years M, I can see a pattern now. I was too blind before. I trusted too much. I would have never thought my H was this way.
boy oh boy
blessing

Sorry! I posted on LLL's thread! Sorry LLL!!!!!!!!!


HELP PLease!

Fist of all I was driving and I saw OW driving her can with H sitting in the passenger seat (he has no licence here in the country where we live now) It was like a dagger in my heart.
I then went to visit a friend of mine, Mary, who just had a baby and whose H, Mike, works with me and my H. He used to be a good friend of my H but for a while, after the separation and the A, H did not talk to Mike.
Well Mary tells me that about a week ago my H came to her house and wanted to talk to Mike so H and Mike went for a beer and Mary said that when Mike came home Mike said that H talked a lot. Htold Mike that Mike was the only person he was going to confide in about the details of his separation from me.

Mike told Mary only this: Atena's H feels judged by everybody at work and wanted me to know his side of the story about the separation. However he told me to keep this confidential and I will not tell you anything otherwise I am sure you will tell Atena.
What do you all think? What game are Mike and H playing (if any?)
Is H trying to cover his a$$ by telling a bunch of [censored] to people as there is really no justification for the way he behaved...or is he finally feeling that OW is not enough and that he needs to have friends he can talk to..
or is he planing to move in with OW and wants to prepare the ground for it?
Blessing

bump

((((atena))))

Please, sweetie, can't you quit this job where you still see your WH? Honestly, Plan B can't work if you still see him and hear regularly about what he is up to. In answer to your question:
It doesn't really matter. Most likely it's bull-excrement as he's a wayward but it doesn't matter. Stay away from him. Ask people not to tell you about him. I know it's hard. We BS's have to go through withdrawal of our own. All these little reminders of our wayward feel really great at the moment but then they leave you totally drained and back at square one. Just like someone who hasn't smoked in a period of time - one puff and you have to go through withdrawal all over again. You are in Plan B - don't let him drain any more out of you.

is this a good sign...meaning H us getting out of his ice age indifference or it really means nothing?
blessings

There are too many reasons why I can't change job.. The main one is it would be carreer suicide.
I will tell my friend not to talk about H any longer. I can see how true it is...we want to know and then we go right back to square 1. I now feel like I have to quit the drug all over again..and I am so drained of energy. I keep imagining what H wants, thinks or feels and it is so crazy....because he is a wayward and what he think today might be the contrary tomorrow.
However I have to say my H is very clever and cunning and very smart. He is also very reserved so to go and talk to someone about this very delicate issue he must have been pretty desperate for approval.

blessing

Is the fact that WH has only OW to rely on (as he has cut himself out from the world) going to make their A stronger? She is his only anchor, she drives him places, she keeps him company, she has sex with him etc....Does this make the A indistructable?
blessing

Atena- Hun, this is NOT good for you at all. All of your posts are now filled with, "What is WH doing? What is he thinking? Will this make them stronger?" I think you need to get yourself a pickle jar and start putting some money in there. It is a good physical representation of what your thoughts are on. I couldn't believe that I did 75 LOONIES in ONE week. I almost fell over. It helps me see where I am in my recovery process. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like if I saw WH even once a week. It must drain you so much. I don't know how much longer you could do this without losing all of your LB$ for your WH. Then you would have NO chance of M R. You would still have your Personal R thanx to MB. It will just be harder.

Other than wanting your WH back and to be a good guy with you.


What does Atena want from day to day life?

Who does Atena feel is her best friend (other than WH)?

What event does Atena want to go to?

Is Atena a cool chick or getting to be one?

Atena likes what new movies?

Is Atena going to work Friday and to hang out with friends Friday night?

Etc.

This the the task of Plan B. Learning to be who YOU really are. Who you were not being for whatever reason pre-B. Find yourself and create your life and whatver the future brings, YOU will be there. Not sure whom else but YOU will be there. You need to know that YOU are one cool chick. Yup. YOU.

Plan B POWER!

Atena, I hope you will permit me to ramble here a bit. I am not sure I can adequately express the thoughts I want to convey.

Let me start by saying that in the past few weeks I have undergone quite a transformation. For half a century I was the classic example of the "common agnostic." However, since Easter of this year I have been hearing something I can only describe as the "calling of faith."

Yesterday I went to a luncheon with a neighbor man who has come into my life and brought with him a kind of ministry I have never known before. The speaker at the luncheon is a familiar man to many, but was previously unknown to me. Let's just say that for years he was the chaplain for a professional sports franchise.

This speaker's topic and points were as follows. Please understand that I am doing it a major disservice, as this is so rudimentary I'm almost embarrassed to try to repeat it. But it affected me greatly, and I wish to pass it on to you.

He challenged the audience with his topic:

HOW TO EVALUATE YOUR LIFE AND MINISTRY

The three steps or points to the above were as follows, with a bit of discussion on each:

• WHAT IS YOUR MISSION/OBJECTIVE?

What do I want not only now, but at the end of my life?

• PRIORITIES

How much am I willing to pay or suffer?

• SCHEDULE

How much time will it take? Can I set/make the time?

The underlying message, as I heard it, is that if we don't start putting our lives into perspective, we are doomed to run in circles and accomplish nothing, no matter how much money, success or fame we achieve, it's all meaningless because we haven't given it a reason.

Okay, you're probably asking yourself, "what is his point?" The point I'm (feebly) trying to make is that I see you going day through day, swimming in the same circle each day. You can't move ahead (even though you say you can't risk career suicide) because you haven't taken the time to evaluate your life.

Other people can't "make" you happy or sad. Unless you give them the power to do so.

Other people can't "fix" you. Only you can do that (or, if you're a person of faith, only God can).

It starts by evaluating your life. What is your mission? What do you want not only now, but at the end of your life? Can you put together your priorities and schedule the things you need to accomplish your goals?

It's true we only have one day at a time. But if we don't look into the future, we truly have nowhere to go. We become stuck.

You're stuck, atena.

A great fear I had when my wife torpedoed my life and my future was that I too, would get stuck. Thanks to a lot of loving people and their selfless help, I've been able to avoid getting stuck. And I realize my life is not dependent on how someone else behaves.

Are you stuck, atena?

WOW Fred. Am I ever glad you don't hang out solely on the D board. That was GREAT.

Thank you all for your posts.
I know I could go out with friends and do things etc...and I am invited to a lot of things. I tried that for 3 months...went out, talked etc...Then it all felt empty and meaningless.

I am too in a spiritual path. I have been reading a lot of books of Eckhart Tolle and I am now working on the Sedona Method of release. One of the main points of this methods is releasing the feelings that keep is stuck in a situation. So Fred, yes I am truly stuck and you saw it very well.

I know it too well too. And I am working on it daily but it will take me some practice to become unstuck and it does not help seeing or hearing about H.
I do have goals and one of them is to finish my graduate degree, apply for the job that will allow me to use my new degree and then travel (I have a lot of free time) by bike and enjoy the outdoors which I am fortunate to have a lot of access to. I also teach in the summers but I plan, starting next year, to spend the summers in the States and work there.

This is my two year plan. After that I might consider permanently relocating to the States.
I can't have my H rule my life, He should not be determining where I live and what I can or can't do. That would mean giving the guy a lot of power and I do not want to...the Sedona Method and the MB forum are helping me go thru all the bumps and I know I will became a loving person at the end of this...

As far as LB$ (I guess those are love bank deposits?) I truly believe that my M is done. My H will never forgive me exposing him to the world and ruining his reputation at work, with his son and all our friends. His love for me is totally gone and he now has OW who meets his needs quite well. As it turns out his needs are very basic: approval, admiration, sex and recreational companionship. All of which she provides with no problem.

As far as it goes for me, I would be a fool to take him back. Were he to come back it would certainly not be out of love but out of comfort or need. Then he would cheat on me again at the first oportunity.
Thank you for all your support! I appreciate all the time you put in for me. I hope it will pay off soon.
blessings

I was thinking of stuckness again and again and it is really a bad feeling. HOwever, in our situation, as BS is it feasable to think that we can get over a H or a W in a matter of months? I mean you can socialize and distract yourself with as many movies and friends as you want (and I tried that) but till you are able to let go and release your feelings totally all you are doing is just sweeping them under the carpet.

That is my experience with it. You can distract the mind, but it will always take you back to where it wants unless you release it.

The reality is that one still cares about the WS no matter how montrous he or she has acted.
If we do not release the negativity and the pain from the betrayal it will just keep coming back and it will impact future relationships.
At times "just be still" is the answer and if that brings up the pain it is best to accept it rather than cover it up with a thousand activities.
blessing

While you make some valid points about how you can not heal until you let go, what we are trying to tell you is that seeing your WH on a somewhat regular basis actually keeps you stuck. That is because you see him and your love bank opens again and again. I can tell you that because the few times that I have slipped and looked at my WH and when I did my Operation: Olive Branch, it threw me. At first, I felt really good from getting a glimpse of him. Afterwards, I crashed. I guess it was like a little "hit" of my drug.

The time in between these close encounters of the wayward kind, have felt kind of good. I have had my bad days and my bad moments, but overall I feel better in between. That is what my hope is for you. I hope you can find the peace the in between times bring.

Thank you Scotland. You are all very patient with me...and I am losing patient with myself..so I can only imagine how stubborn I might sound.
However, I am not clear about the Love Bank. So tell me if this is correct:
My H has zero deposits and when he sees me his deposits go below zero

I still have deposits, cuz I love him...but when I see him they become less and less?

I am not sure the above is true?? Is this a MB principle?
blessing

Your love bank is deposited to by him.

His love bank is deposited to by you.

Your "love" is the company of the bank. (Like: MB Credit Union)

You can not increase the account with your name on it - he has to.
Vice versa.

Only if there is a Negative balance (no cash flow) for a long time does the bank (your love) go out of buisness.

IMHO

Career suicide or emotional and spiritual suicide? You won't have that career much longer if you have a nervous breakdown and that is exactly where you are headed, friend. What will be your "career" when you are in a white straight jacket?