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Joined: Apr 2010
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OP
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Posts: 17 |
Greetings,
I recently (on 4/9) found out about an affair my wife has been having for the past several months. We are committed to fixing our relationship and she has not had any contact with the man she had the affair with.
I know what part I played in driving my wife to seek companionship from someone else. The affair started around December with general chat online, it then turned into phone conversations and text messages and ultimately into a physical affair. I am now working to fulfill the emotional void I left that drove her to the affair.
My question is - How do I stop bringing up the affair, how do I stop myself from asking about this or that and questioning any phone number I do not recognize?
I feel if I do not stop this behavior, I will end up causing us even more problems but the pain I feel continues to drive me to get answers.
I love my wife very much and I belive she still loves me. I need advice.
JP
_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Posts: 12,357
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Greetings,
I recently (on 4/9) found out about an affair my wife has been having for the past several months. We are committed to fixing our relationship and she has not had any contact with the man she had the affair with.
I know what part I played in driving my wife to seek companionship from someone else. The affair started around December with general chat online, it then turned into phone conversations and text messages and ultimately into a physical affair. I am now working to fulfill the emotional void I left that drove her to the affair.
My question is - How do I stop bringing up the affair, how do I stop myself from asking about this or that and questioning any phone number I do not recognize?
I feel if I do not stop this behavior, I will end up causing us even more problems but the pain I feel continues to drive me to get answers.
I love my wife very much and I belive she still loves me. I need advice.
JP You are asking questions that should be asked. Your trust and sense of reality have been shattered. What you are going through is normal. Your WW needs to be completely transparent and open & honest with you about everything concerning her A in order for you to process and heal from it. You played NO part in 'driving' your WW somewhere she shouldn't have been. She made that choice - not you. You may have had a part in creating the conditions that would endanger your M. Ultimately, your WW had choices. She could address the conditions in her M that caused her unhappiness, or she could engage in adultery. That's never appropriate behavior, nor is it an appropriate response to feeling a lack of something in a M. You are in the very early stages of healing from this A. It's great that your WW is on board with you and wants to repair the terrible damage she has done. Keep reading here - all the posts, all the articles. Your WW should come on board, as well. BTW, welcome. You're among friends.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I agree... and you SHOULD ask about any and all activity, phone numbers, messages, emails, etc. She has been untruthful, and if she values your marriage, should understand and freely give EVERY SCRAP of information you ask about. But you must realize this is not as a pennance to make up for what she did, this is in order for her to rebuild the trust that you have lost for her. Ensure that SHE AND YOU BOTH understand that point, because it is important to the progress of your marriage. EXTREMELY important!
Read the Basic Principles about NO CONTACT and restoring trust. You should have all access to everything she does down to when she got in the car to go to work and actually got to work, if you need it to feel comfortable with her fidelity. If she is unwilling to go that far if needed, there is a reason, and it is a reason which is based upon an expectation that she might want to or WILL be untruthful to you again.
Read up... don't bash her, but it is OK to be upset. If she can't understand what she has done and accept how you feel, then she will not succeed in maintaining what she needs to do in order to fulfill your mutual marriage.
DON'T CHERRY PICK this program. I really believe it will work, if you BOTH want it to work. It is much harder if only ONE of you want it to work, but can still succeed.
Last edited by Cantfigureitout; 04/20/10 08:39 AM.
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You NEED to talk about the affair. You have been through an extremely traumatic life event, similar in stress to the death of a child or being the victim or rape (according to studies as well as forum members who have experienced both infidelity and one of those other two traumas). When a person suffers a trauma like this, they have to talk about it. It helps them come to grips with their new "reality" - because the old "reality" was not reality at all, but a fabrication. Talking about it helps you get your feet on solid ground again.
It also helps make the event less scary. When you see news reports on television of the aftermath of a tsunami, or hurricane, or earthquake, the people are dazed. They come out into the light and seek one another out to talk about their experiences. Same thing after the assassination of a beloved leader figure. People need to talk to put things in perspective and to deal with the trauma.
Your WW needs to answer all of your questions with complete and total honesty, as many times as you care to ask them. You only found out a week and a half ago. It will take you many months to work through this. You'll vacillate at first between insane bonding and being furious and hurt. Most BS (betrayed spouses) get really angry about six months out. This can cause you to feel like you've done "all this work" and put up with "all this crap" for nothing, because it's NEVER going to get better, and so on. Things will settle down a bit after that, and at two to five years out you will have a pretty normal marriage again. Not naive and innocent, but wiser and stronger and more rewarding.
Something that usually helps is for you and WW to set aside a couple of nights each week for maybe an hour or so to talk about the affair, get your questions answered, talk about your plans moving forward, etc. That way you know your questions will get answered and she knows she's not about to be ambushed and dragged over the coals at every turn.
Also it helps to write down your questions, and ask them 48 hours later. You might be surprised at how quickly burning questions that you HAVE to have answered NOW become kind of inconsequential after a couple of days.
One thing you need to get into your head right now is that you did not "drive" your WW to have her affair. Yes, you contributed to a sucky marriage but the affair was 100% her decision, her lack of boundaries, and the affair is hers to own. You do NOT share in that.
What is she doing to earn back your trust?
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JP, I woke up my FWH (formerly wayward husband) in the middle of the night for weeks, because I thought of questions I had to know the answers to right then. It was my way. I eventually made him sit down with me and replay the A, from A to Z. That helped me a lot.
Expect this to take awhile. And your WW may want to put on her 'patience pants'. It was all about her during her A. It's all about you, now. She needs to start doing the heavy lifting to help you heal from this adultery and ultimately rebuild your M. It can be done and it's absolutely worth it. But it's not for wussies, that's for sure.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I engaged in an affair. There has been no contact for 8 months. My husband checks my e-mails daily (several times a day), asks about unknown cell phone numbers, and always knows where I am and who I am with. It hurts a little but only because I feel bad that he has to, NOT because I'm upset with him. I expect he will continue to do this indefinitely and I'm okay with that.
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I engaged in an affair. There has been no contact for 8 months. My husband checks my e-mails daily (several times a day), asks about unknown cell phone numbers, and always knows where I am and who I am with. It hurts a little but only because I feel bad that he has to, NOT because I'm upset with him. I expect he will continue to do this indefinitely and I'm okay with that. I'm fourteen months out and still check occasionally. I have certain snooping tools that I also use. And you know what? That's how it should be! Why do we think it's so weird to want complete access to what our 'other half' is up to? Why would we neglect that? When you marry, you become one. Your WW is a part of you. Why wouldn't you want complete access to yourself? And it should be expected. Your WW should know what you're up to, as well. There should be total transparency from both sides, forever. (Okay, I'll make an exception for birthday surprises.  )
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Thank you all for your advice and information thus far.
Some background: in October I found out about the potential of my plant closing and me losing my job. I became deeply depressed and disconnected from life.
I understand the decision to have the affair was her's and her's alone. I also know that the depression I fell into and my lack of attention shown to my wife caused her to seek that attention from someone else (again she had a decision, seek it from someone else or confront me).
My wife has ended all contact with the other man, I know this because she has removed him from facebook, and I have been checking our cellular bill for any incoming or outgoing text or phone calls. I have not found anything that would indicated contact since I discovered the affair. Physical contact is very difficult because they live in different states. He was here one time for business and she stayed out all night with her boss(female) she said(which I encouraged because I didn't want her to drive home after drinking)I didn't suspect it was to meet this other man. This was in February. I wish I would have volunteered to come pick her up but I didn't.
From Feb - April, she continued chat, text and phone conversations with him. I was unaware because I would get home from work, have two or three drinks and be in bed by 8:30pm or so. Depressed, I didn't have the energy or desire to do anything else. I didn't put any energy into talking to my wife, asking her about work and investing time into our marriage.
In April she planned a trip to see an old friend (she had done this in years past) so I didn't think much about it. I later found out it was a cover to see this other man again. It was only 5 days before our 10th anniversary which is April 8th. On Friday 4/9 I went up to bed early as usual but at around midnight I woke up and my wife still wasn't in bed. I went down stairs and discovered her chat session and that is when everthing came to light.
I know it has only been 11 days since I discovered this affair. I want to do everything in my power to fix us. I belive she does also. I have full access to her facebook, email and phone records. I believe she is committed to fixing our marriage also but she has said my constant questions whenever I discover someting new bring back all the hurt and pain for both of us.
For instance - Yesterday I was reviewing our cell bill and noticed she called and talked to him for 35 minutes on the way home from work on our anniversary. I immediately called her and asked how could you do this, you ruined our anniversary. I know these type of outbusrts are not helping.
And today I was looking over our phone records and noticed a 660 area code that several text messages were exchanged to. I know this is where her family lives but did not have the number in my address book. I immediately got suspicious and called her to find out who it was. It was her mothers cell phone.
I want full transparency but I also don't want to bash her and make her feel I am not trying. I will take any new information found that I have a question about and put it on the back burner for 48 hours like suggested.
Thanks and sorry for the long response.
JP
Last edited by jpowelle5; 04/20/10 09:32 AM.
_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Thank you all for your advice and information thus far.
<snip>
I want full transparency but I also don't want to bash her and make her feel I am not trying. I will take any new information found that I have a question about and put it on the back burner for 48 hours like suggested.
Thanks and sorry for the long response.
JP JP, you've just started on one ride that you're not going to enjoy - the rollercoaster. You're going to go up up up, thinking everything's going to be fine. The next second, down the hill you go, despairing of anything ever being right in your world again. You are the victim of a terrible crime - your WW's adultery. You will be wrestling with healing for some time, and as you heal you will have moments of extreme anger and moments of serenity (fleeting at first, then better as time moves on.) Do whatever it takes to feel better. If you want to sit on your questions, that's fine. If you want to ask the same one, over and over until you can wrap your mind around the answer, that's okay. Your WW needs to help you in whatever way you feel will help.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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You are not being unreasonable, although maybe you have to ask your questions without LB's.
This close after Dday you should be checking. My husband and I went to the bank together to prove I hadn't been hiding money and make sure his name was on our chidren's accounts. He called constantly about every odd number or an unusual purchase.
To this day, he gets the mail so he doesn't think I've gone through it first
Maybe if something gets you too upset, write down your question or something so you avoid an immediately response with an angry phone call but your concern can still be addressed.
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I believe she is committed to fixing our marriage also but she has said my constant questions whenever I discover someting new bring back all the hurt and pain for both of us. Hi JP! I'm sorry, I don't think your W is worried at ALL about bringing back all the hurt and pain for both of you... I believe (based on MY personal rebuilding experiences with Mrs. RIF) that your W wants to "move past this" so you can just be the "loving couple" that you were ment to be... I can bet that right now, that you don't know what to be hurt over or what you should be angry over... because you don't know what happened during the A. I fully agree that you need to learn to control your anger and NOT direct it at your W, but you should feel free to ask ANY question that you need answered. Don't allow your W to manipulate you like this. Her statement tells me that she is NOT committed 100% rebuilding the M. Semper Fi, RIF
Me, BS
Her, Forgiven
Married Dec 86
Multiple A's that ended '90
Rebuilding In Faith since then...
Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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Greetings,
I recently (on 4/9) found out about an affair my wife has been having for the past several months. We are committed to fixing our relationship and she has not had any contact with the man she had the affair with.
I know what part I played in driving my wife to seek companionship from someone else. The affair started around December with general chat online, it then turned into phone conversations and text messages and ultimately into a physical affair. I am now working to fulfill the emotional void I left that drove her to the affair.
My question is - How do I stop bringing up the affair, how do I stop myself from asking about this or that and questioning any phone number I do not recognize?
I feel if I do not stop this behavior, I will end up causing us even more problems but the pain I feel continues to drive me to get answers.
I love my wife very much and I belive she still loves me. I need advice.
JP
start *here* and read through all the links
I know what part I played in driving my wife to seek companionship from someone else.
Unless you drove the car, you were not the driver.
Your wife's motives for betraying her own morals/values/integrity cannot be laid at your feet.
She's a big girl.
She deserves to be treated like a grown up.
Your wife deserves to have the responsibility for her decisions laid at her feet.
.... Unless she's immature. Is she too immature to accept the responsibility for her own choices?
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Print this out, and share it with your wife.
Have her read it.
Then, after she's read it, ask her to read it aloud to you.
Then discuss the contents of "Joseph's Letter".
God luck!
Joseph's Letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"To Whomever,
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
(end of Joseph's Letter)
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jpowelle5,
Most wayward spouses do not immediately understand the necessity of the BS needing a period of time during which they question, grieve, and fall apart periodically. Pep has given you a great letter to share with your WS. Do it.
I'm not in total agreement with a previous poster that your WW is not onboard 100%; at this point, she just has no clue as to what you need to truly get into an MB recovery. When I was in your shoes and found MB, I often copied or emailed various articles and posts from the forum to my FWH. It was from these that he began to understand that he had to face my questions as unbearable to him as they seemed.
Bless you.
GY
D-Day EA 11/29/08
D-Day PA 12/12/08
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With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart I thank you all. I know I have a tough road ahead of me with many peaks and many valleys.
I will share that letter with my wife. It has truely touched home - amazingly it is how I am feeling. I have shared many other of the Q&A's from this site with her and she has read some if not all. The reason I know this is because she has referenced some of them. She claims that she is not going through any type of "withdrawls" as mentioned in the recovery process and that she just wanted her husband back and now she has that. I have asked her if she told him she loved him and she says no she did not - I don't know what to believe and what not to. I use to believe everything and now I can not.
I have spent several hours reading all of the Q&A's on this great site. I joined the forum today seeking further enlightenment.
I do not know what the future holds for us. I never thought I would be here. We have been together a third of my life, 13 years and married 10 of them. I am not willing to give up and that is why I am here.
Thank you all once agian.
Semper Fi and God Bless.
_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Posts: 35,996
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I don't know what to believe and what not to. I use to believe everything and now I can not.
This can turn around.
With study.
With tools.
With blood/sweat/tears.
With each other for support and encouragement.
With Prayer.
The marriage recovery is a process.
There will be even darker days ahead. (sorry, but true)
There will also be lighter days, and brighter days. (also true)
God Bless.
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Print this out, and share it with your wife.
Have her read it.
Then, after she's read it, ask her to read it aloud to you.
Then discuss the contents of "Joseph's Letter".
God luck!
Joseph's Letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"To Whomever,
"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.
"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
(end of Joseph's Letter) Beautiful letter!! And so well put! Maybe there will be a day when I can give it to WH and be able to talk about it with him. He's still too deep in his addiction to care right now.
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
jpowelle5,
Most wayward spouses do not immediately understand the necessity of the BS needing a period of time during which they question, grieve, and fall apart periodically. Pep has given you a great letter to share with your WS. Do it.
I'm not in total agreement with a previous poster that your WW is not onboard 100%; at this point, she just has no clue as to what you need to truly get into an MB recovery. When I was in your shoes and found MB, I often copied or emailed various articles and posts from the forum to my FWH. It was from these that he began to understand that he had to face my questions as unbearable to him as they seemed.
Bless you.
GY ITA. Your WW is ignorant of the scope of what she has done. I'm not being mean - she truly is ignorant. My FWH hid some details from me right at first. Not because he was ashamed of them (although he was, of course) but because he was afraid they would hurt me! How's that! As if having an affair wouldn't??  And - get this - he didn't think the A would be as big a deal as it ended up being! Once he was educated on MB principles it all fell into place. Let me add to what others are saying: try, really try, to thank your WW when she shares details with you. Not for committing the acts, but for caring enough to share this terrible tragedy in order to help you heal. And wait - there's more!  You may find an interesting thing will occur for the two of you, through this sharing: you may reach a whole new level of intimacy. There's just something about being vulnerable and baring your soul that cleanses it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 17
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 17 |
MB -
My wife has stated the reason she continued to hide the details of the affair (something as simple as who purchaed the baseball tickets for the game you the the other man attend) were her way of not adding to the pain/hurt I am going through.
I know that no affair is the same and not all affairs can be scripted like a book. My wife was willing to drop the other man as soon as I discovered the affair. She states that there is no withdrawl period because she was not addicted to him.
I know that the affair started as just idle chit chat on the computer and turned into "how bad both of their marriages were" and "what their spouses where doing wrong or not doing at all". I feel that I let this happen but not paying attention to all the signs right in front of my face.
I can't stop thinking about if I would have done this or would have done that - all of this would not have happened. I know she made the decision to not confront me about what was wrong in our marriage just as much as I didn't confront her or myself with what was wrong. I also know her and her alone decided to lie, deceive and finally cheat on a physical level.
I feel like the past several months (all the things we did together were a complete lie) my 10 year anniversay is a lie - how could she have sex with another man 4 days before a milestone in our lives and talk to him on the phone on our anniversary and have an online sex chat session the day after.
The amount of time over the past several months that she has communicated with the other man is amazing to me, what did that have to talk on the phone about, text about, chat online about and how could she just be able to walk away with out looking back, without a withdrawl (I am happy if this is the case as I don't know if I would be stong enough to go through seeing her missing another man that she became emotional attached to and had sexaul relations with).
All of our conversations seem to somehow tie back to the affair and I understand it has only been 12 days now since I discovered it. How could I have been so disconnected from my wife that I did not see all of this. I am ashamed of myself - I have so much hurt / pain / hopelessness - but know that she is trying just as hard as I am.
Sorry for the long post - I just had to get this off my chest.
JP
_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I know that no affair is the same and not all affairs can be scripted like a book. I feel like the past several months (all the things we did together were a complete lie) my 10 year anniversay is a lie - how could she have sex with another man 4 days before a milestone in our lives and talk to him on the phone on our anniversary and have an online sex chat session the day after.
All of our conversations seem to somehow tie back to the affair and I understand it has only been 12 days now since I discovered it. How could I have been so disconnected from my wife that I did not see all of this.
You're going to do well.
Hang in there.
You should probably talk to your physician about your depression/anxiety symptoms.
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