Also, since your wife is untrustworthy, I would not tell her about your snooping and most especially about the resources you use. She should NEVER be told how you snoop on her.

Right, that's what cake-eaters do, they do/say what they need to so that you will let them continue contact. I know it's going to hurt to hear it, but she knows you have weak boundaries ~ and she is manipulating & gaslighting you. Please do not fool yourself into thinking she is just simply naive about how important NC would be for your M.

Please understand, Recovery is hard...very hard. Much of what binds my H and I and has motivated us to do the hard work necessary is our long M history pre-A and our children. I can really understand the advice you are getting to reconsider if you really want to try to fight for this.

For some reason you seem to be hesitant or possibly afraid to demand that your wife cease contact with her affair partner (AP), why is that? One would question why you would marry someone who cheated on you before marriage, but that�s pretty much a moot point now. But your wife�s refusal to cease contact with her AP (not ex-AP because it sounds like the affair continues to this day) speaks volumes about the contempt that she has for you and your marriage. What good is having her passwords, etc, when she is carrying on with this guy, all with your knowledge and seeming acceptance?

That's like saying Hitler was a good guy except for the concentration camps.

As others have said, "no contact" should be non-negotiable.

Here's a simple, yet effective response to the "it's alright, he's just a friend" argument.

Nobody puts their marriage in such a risky position for "just a friend".

Nobody rips apart families and alienates everyone that cares about them for "just a friend."

That usually stops the silly "just a friend" argument dead in its tracks.

You are reluctantly willing to participate in her polyandrous union. It doesn't matter that she isn't currently f'ing him; she is emotionally involved.

Over time, reluctant willingness, also known as "Resistance to What Is", creates a lot of disharmony in the person who refuses to choose one way or the other. You can either choose to be joyful as a man whose wife has a boyfriend, or you can choose to end the situation even if that means you file for divorce.

I've seen this situation before. A man I worked with had a wife who had a boyfriend. The wife and her boyfriend were able to avoid being physical due to all the blocks the three of them put in place. That didn't make sense to me. Put in blocks? Why not simply choose to NOT go there. Why not just end the whole boyfriend thing? After three years, she got pregnant by the husband. After five years, the wife and boyfriend got tired of the blocks. She would "make" the husband stay out in the living room keeping the toddler entertained while she and the boyfriend went to the bedroom to screw.

We co-workers never could get this man, the husband, to remove his balls from her purse. I changed jobs but a few years later I heard that he had killed himself in front of their son.

I think you need individual counseling and a never-ending supply of condoms so that you can do your best to prevent bringing a child into this situation. I feel very badly for you. I think you chose her as a wife and married her knowing that she had f'd your "best friend" because of some issues you seriously need to deal with.

Please get her out of your life. Take a stand for yourself. Find a good woman and make a great family for yourself.

I know this is Marriage Builders so maybe my post is wrong. I hope you get a chance to read this before mods delete it.

I wish you well.

This post is spot on. Ditch her yesterday!

When the two of you married, you became ONE. You have the right to know everything your 'other half' is doing. EVERYTHING.

The problem is that single people have a lifetime to learn independent behavior, and many continue that behavior when they enter into marriage. THAT'S the wrong thing, not your right to examine every aspect of your 'other half's' life.

She can shut the bathroom door long enough to go potty. That's about all the privacy I would give her. That's what my FWH gets and he's happy as a clam with it. Sometimes he even leaves the bathroom door open...gotta talk to him about that...some things I really just don't need to have full knowledge of...

Again, seriously, LOSE this mindset. You married. You became ONE FLESH. If you were spying on your neighbor that would be wrong. If you were spying on the mailman that would be wrong. They are private people and you should have no access to their lives.

This is your partner in life. This is your other half we're talking about. The two of you became ONE. It would be wrong to NOT maintain the sanctity and security of your M by allowing IB.

Just the thread name makes me ill. You don't 'request' NC.

OP, you need to use your pair here. You are being blatantly disrespected and it hurts to watch.

I have a male friend who loves to golf. I love to golf. There have been a couple of occasions before my H's A when I golfed with this guy by myself - just the two of us, golfing for an afternoon while my H was at work and I had the day off. I never thought twice about it, and yes, we truly are "just friends."

It never occurred to me that my friendship with him was IB until I found this site. I have no interest in him romantically at all, but after I found this site I realized that I put our M in a vulnerable position by even innocently golfing with this guy. I had NO problem altering that friendship in order to keep my M safe.

Post-A, I exposed my H's A to my friend and explained that it was unacceptable for me - ME! and I wasn't the betrayer! - to golf alone with him. That in the future any golf outings we wanted to attend would also have to be attended with at least one of our spouses present.

I had no problem doing that. It was an important EP for our M.

Not Just Friends.

Be sure to look at the quizzes that demonstrate vulnerability within the marriage lifestyle.

Much of the late Dr Glass' research supports the work of Dr Harley though some of her methods did not reflect the MB process. I think she id at some point come to the realization that the MB model for recovery from an affair was the best solution, but most of her research actually focused on the causes and basis for infidelity rather than on the recovery.

Well, here's an update:

I talked to her last night and told her exactly what I said here. I told her that the choice would ultimately be up to her, but added that, if she continued to talk to him, she would be driving me away. Yes, it sounds like I let her off easy, but I know how she works, and actually made some progress!
We spent a little time apart yesterday, and when we met back up inside the house, she told me that she took care of it. She removed his number from her phone, as well as from Myspace and Facebook. She also said that she called him and told him they couldn't be friends anymore. I know it's not quite what the book/website suggest, but I'm glad that we made some progress. After that, she pretty much immediately went into withdrawal, getting angry, although after a few hours, the anger turned into depression and she started crying and telling me that she was sorry and that she didn't want me to leave. Both of our LB are fairly low right now, but today I'm going to start attempting to build the balance back up.

Now she needs to change her cell phone # and her e-mail address. Taking his # out of her phone does not prevent him from contacting her anymore than asking him not to does. You need to read up on EP (extraordinary precautions)

Don't give up the resource of these forums by telling her about it. You need the advice and support here to get you through until she is through withdrawal and you need continuous monitoring of your WW until you begin to feel safe. If she objects to this start looking for a secret cell phone because she is continuing contact.



God's Blessings,

Say

Make sure you spy very well.

I'd bet anything she contacts him within 24 hours.

AH, I would download flexispy on her phone and watch what she does. I suspect she just went further underground. You can get it here: flexispy.com. There is a cheaper version that is $149. I would watch her like a hawk, she is manipulative and untrustworthy.

Yeah, I've read most of the extraordinary precautions, and we will work our way there. I'm glad that some progress has been made, and although I know things are going to be hard for a little while, I want to make this as least difficult as possible.

I'm not going to bash you for not following the advice from many on this forum on how to break up the affair. I just want to make sure you know the likelihood of what's really going on.

1) She may very well have done everything she says here, and even may have the best intentions of carrying it out. However, from my own experience and from tons of others on this very forum, the chance of it being "over" when the wayward spouse takes care of it on their own is extremely small. Chances are the withdrawal will become too much and she will contact him again, or he will call her to pry as to why they can't still be friends, what she wants to do (barf) etc., and she will weaken.

2) Or, she has no intention of stopping the "friendship" and is just throwing you off track to take it underground.

Either way, there is about a 1% chance that it will end here and now. I'm sorry for your situation and wish it was different. I, too, wanted to believe my spouse and trust that she was strong enough to do it on her own.

"if she continued to talk to him, she would be driving me away"
How nice of you, to leave it all open-ended like that.

"We spent a little time apart yesterday, and when we met back up inside the house, she told me that she took care of it."
If a wayward's mouth is moving, they are lying, ah. Lying. How do you plan to verify this?

"She also said that she called him and told him they couldn't be friends anymore."
What time are you calling him this morning to verify this?

"I know it's not quite what the book/website suggest, but I'm glad that we made some progress."

You have just driven her underground.

You say 'we' will work our way - is your WW on board with doing that?