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Joined: May 2009
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Well.

Once you are in plan B....meaning the love letter/path back home to rebuild the marriage is delivered (after a stellar plan A of not love busting)

You just go dark.

The letter says it all.

He left the house three weeks ago cause he was mad at you for messing around with his great fantasy romance. Not cause you implemented plan B. I don't see where you have implemented it.

So. Perhaps only speak of nice things with him and invite him to do stuff with you without mentioning the affair for a couple weeks (now that you are on meds to help regulate your emotional highs and lows) and then once YOU want to

hand him a beautiful plan B letter, go dark as the night with refocusing on building yourself into a dynamic, thriving person with plans for the future

and wait and see what happens.

Will he come back to rebuild or not. Up to him but you give it your all with the plan.

You can only control you.

Divorce can come another day or not. That is for the future not for now. All his talk of it is based in his stuff he needs to work out on his own.

Suck-ee but true.




Last edited by reading; 04/22/10 05:45 PM. Reason: to fix error! oops!






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I agree with reading.

I know it will be hard to be nice to him for about 2 weeks. Believe me, I have been there. It will be the hardest 2 weeks you have yet gone through because you KNOW for certain the truth, but yet you cannot lovebust. Do your best to Plan A him - 14 days - you can do 14 days.

Just do one day at a time.

Read, read, read. The more you know, the better you will be able to pull this off.

WH will be astounded at how nice you are when you don't love bust. Mine was - couldn't believe I was his wife because I was the person he wanted me to be. The problem was he wouldn't let go of OW long enough to "brain-wash" himself back to the marriage (brain-washing is what my WH thought of MB).

Once you have done Plan A to the best of your ability, go dark. VERY, very dark. Plan B is the best place for you to be and you will be thankful to be there. It's hard at first because you miss your spouse, but you will be glad to be away from the craziness.

Keep this in mind, too: If your WH was so unhappy and sure that he wanted out of the marriage, why didn't he just file for D a long time ago? Why did he decide to have an A? I'll tell you why - because you have something he wants, too. He wants to have everything and that's wrong. He can't, but he will unless you take control.

So, read everything you can lay your hands on that Dr. Harley has written. Hit the library and read some other stuff, too. Pay close attention to what the vets here tell you to do. Follow your plan and stay focused.

And when you have your down days (and you will), come here to vent. We will help you. You will find that the number of down days will lessen and you will start to feel better.


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 28
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NotMe2 Offline OP
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I haven't read about the plan a letter. Where did I miss that?


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
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There is no Plan A letter. Plan A is meeting your WH's needs and not lovebusting.

Plan B has the letter.

Did you see the info about the carrot and stick of Plan A? I will look for those for you.


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 28
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Thank you. I read it once, but have forgotten the details.


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
Joined: Oct 2009
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I just bumped the thread "Carrot and Stick of Plan A (revisited)" for you. You may want to save it to your watched topics so you can access it whenever you want to over the next 14 days. The more you focus yourself during this time, the easier it will be to get through it.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

I did it and it was hard not to lovebust. By the end, I was having trouble avoiding that, but I did my best. If you find yourself lovebusting, you will need to immediately head to Plan B, but try really hard to get through the 14 days. Having a goal and a date when the pain of Plan A will stop really helps.


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 28
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Ok, I have printed it and saved it! He isn't having any contact with me right now. How do I get him to "trust me" and do something together?


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 256
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How long has it been since you have had contact with WH? Aren't you in counseling with him?


BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
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At this point, you can simply offer to have him participate in things like

"Going to see the movie _______, wanna come with me?"
"I am making lasagna and garlic bread tonight for dinner, you are invited"
"Remember when we went ice skating and spent the whole night holding hands so we wouldn't fall on our bums, want to go with me tonight"

That kind of thing.

If he says no just say "Well, if you change your mind, let me know" If he says "No way. I hate your guts." You can say "Sorry you feel so crummy. Hope you feel better about life soon."

Etc.

though you know he is sweet talking OW, you don't mention her in regular conversation.

In plan A you can write letters as mentioned in Surviving An Affair which describes that sometimes letters and phone calls are good venues of communication with a wayward who is not wanting to communicate face to face due to the conflict. Different from plan B letters. You can read about communciation with waywards in the book!

Last edited by reading; 04/21/10 11:59 PM.






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Yes we are in counseling, but he was so angry last time the counselor thought it best for us to have no contact except for one date a week for the next month.

The dates haven't happened, because I have been "crazy" with the dumb depression which acts out in anger and a whole lot of crying.

I will send him an email with an invitation. Cross your fingers!


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
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N2M:

Why did your counselor request only one visit a week? Is there an anger/danger issue here?

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Not improve, change, medicate or otherwise alter you... but what are you doing for you? You will not get stronger (nor will your M) unless you find a way to "center".

---the advice here has been top rate.

I hear you about the panic, meds, anger, anxiety and frustraition.

I really hear you.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Originally Posted By: notme2
1. How can you throw 24 years away without putting forth any effort?

2. What will wake him up to all that he is giving up?


NotMe2,

IMHO MelodyLane advised Plan B too soon. Especially now that you have the benefits of modern medicine. The questions you asked above need answers.

It is very early. Not in the adultery but in YOUR plan. If the meds are really helping you to avoid love busters, avoid emotional outburts and not fall apart hour by hour (I was there so I know the pain) then you have a great opportunity to do a great Plan A.

And the reason I am shocked by the immediate call for Plan B is because as I understand it an effective Plan B needs a great Plan A before it.

I think Steve Harley would ask you how is your emotional stability and strength? Do you feel able to Plan A your husband and avoid love busters? If you read Sick of Limbo thread you will read Steve Harley advise him that Plan B is really about helping you avoid the emotional trauma of the situation, not to penalize your WH. Plan B is not to cause a wayward to experience anything or do anything although that might be a side effect because of the fact that they saw a great Plan A from you and then overnight poof its gone.

As far as Q1 above: Dr. Harley says we are all vulnerable to adultery. The excitement (really just chemicals in the brain) of adultery is why. Its the result of EN's not being met for years as you said combined with opportunity of another woman living in your house.

Q2: This question is what led me to post all this because I think that what will wake him up is you doing all the things recommended here: Exposure, heavy and hard all over, Plan A whenever you can make desposits in his love bank IN HIS LANGUAGE (see The Five Languages of Love) and then on your timetable your plan your schedule a plan B and or D.

Patience is a virtue. Take stock of your situation, strengths and weaknesses. Remember, you have 24 years with him, you know him inside & out. Use this to your every advantage. Also, she is hundreds of miles away. She will also be very unable to meet most EN's for him.

BUT, on the other hand, if you cannot be in a great plan A or the meds don't really keep you from falling to pieces everytime you talk to him, well then, maybe it is time for plan B.


God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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Thank you for the advice. OW just happened to reappear and they are back in contact!!! He is coming over tonight to help with yard work and then I am fixing a light dinner. If any of you prays (and I'm sure most of you do), please pray that I can keep my mouth shut and be pleasant and kind. I am actually looking forward to seeing him.

I took off my wedding ring when all of this started and realized this morning that if I really want to be married then I should show him that I put it back on. He isn't wearing his now.

Ok, here goes pleasant and cheerful!

I so appreciate ALL of the comments and knowing that you are there to help me through this. God bless.


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
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Have you exposed the renewed contact?

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Yes, but not to him. I'm still gathering information. Her husband and I are doing the legwork to catch them together.

I have told several people to keep an eye out to what's up.


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
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No point exposing to him - HE KNOWS he's having an affair.
Exposure to everyone else is good.
Good job on working with OW's H on this.

You are doing everything right.
I'm sorry. I know it hurts.

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You are doing great NotMe2!

I know you can do this today. Please log on later and let us know how it all went. Remember the good things about him and that will help you to be nice, too!



BW (me - 45)
WH - 45
2 DDs
Married 20 years, together 25
DDay Spring 2009
WH moves out Summer 2009 and in with OW
Plan A - 4 months
Very dark Plan B Fall 2009
WH files D Summer 2010
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
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Also, marriage counseling with non MB person may cause more problems than it helps right now.

Only interact on once a week date? Not a great suggestion by the counselor. You need to have pleasant contact as much as possible vs avoiding him now.

To plant the seeds of love for when you most likely go dark.

Counselor doesn't seem to be MB savvy and trying to teach them to be isn't your task right now.

I think I would take that couseling time and go on movie or other type of dates if do able for now.

My 2 cents.







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WOOHOO!! I did it! He came over and took care of the lawn and then we had a light dinner. It was somewhat uncomfortable, but we were able to talk about everyday things and our daughter's upcoming wedding in 3 weeks. I didn't bring up anything negative and apologized for my prior weeping and wailing!!

Our counselor is on vacation this week, but I sent my copy of Surviving an affair. Hopefully she will get on board. She had us "take a break" because he was so angry and ready to bolt and I was an emotional wreck. She thought that was the only way he would agree to talk to me again.

Thank you everyone for all of your support. I was feeling left out and then you jumped in. This is becoming my lifeline. Thank you, thank you.


BW - me 46
WH - 47
Married 24 years
Dday for EA- 18 Nov. 2009
Dday for PA- 7 Feb, 2010
WH Moved out 6 March 2010
Dday #2 - 20 Apr. 2010
OW moved back 20 Apr. 2010
Kids - 18, 21, 23
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted By: bigpicture
[
IMHO MelodyLane advised Plan B too soon. Especially now that you have the benefits of modern medicine. The questions you asked above need answers.

It is very early. Not in the adultery but in YOUR plan. If the meds are really helping you to avoid love busters, avoid emotional outburts and not fall apart hour by hour (I was there so I know the pain) then you have a great opportunity to do a great Plan A.


uuhh no, bigpicture. It is NOT "early" - it is late. Her first D-Day was in NOVEMBER so she has been dealing with this for 6 long months. Plan A is only supposed to be for a very short time, 3 to 4 weeks for women BECAUSE they have nervous breakdowns trying to win their husbands back. She is already at that point. Nor is she counseling with Steve.While she has only been in a Plan A for a short time, her FIRST D-Day was in NOVEMBER with numerous d-days since then. She is already on the verge of a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN now and if that happens, the marriage is really done.

Nor are the questions above going to be answered. That is completely irrelevant.

She needs to go dark before she breaks down any more.

The purpose of Plan A is to demonstrate her WILLINGNESS to meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair, that is all. It is not meant to be a way of life. That is all a BS can do when a spouse is in an affair. All she has to do is convey that message while not lovebusting. That is all that is required.

NotMe2, I would not drag this out any longer at all. Maybe a WEEK, tops. You don't want to run yourself into the ground any further. Get out while the getting is good. Here isa quote from Dr Harley about getting into plan B sooner rather than later:

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
"When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly.

That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.

So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover".


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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