Good job, Notme!! I would suggest that you start working on your Plan B letter and getting your ducks in a row. Since you have been dealing with this so very long, you don't want to prolong it. Dr. Harley advises 3 to 4 weeks for those who JUST FOUND OUT about the affair and you are here 6 months after the fact.

You can focus on doing a great plan A for about another week and then going as dark as night. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair so you fully understand Plan B?

What is the exposure plan? Did you inform the OWH about the renewed affair? What is the OWH waiting for?

We are both gathering more information to prove to them we know they are together.

He has "promised" her he won't tell her family. I am going to buy him the book Surviving an Affair so he understands what I keep telling him.

I think she has told her family not to answer my calls because I can't get ahold of anyone. I don't have a current address for them so I can't send a letter.

I do have the book and I have loaned it to our counselor to read so she understands what I'm doing and hopefully she will jump in.

I did do plan A, but not fully when I first found out. But, it has been an ongoing effort until I found out that it was a pa and then I lost it. So, from Feb. to now I have been a mess - way depressed and not someone he would want to come back to. He has told me that I'm wasting my time because he has never given me the impression that he was coming back.

So, once again, even though last night went ok and I'm proud of myself for staying calm, cool and collected, I still don't feel any hope.

NotMe, I understand this. But you should plan to go into Plan B very soon here. You have been dealing with the affair so long that it has already had severe psychological ramifications. That is not going to get better, it is going to get worse. Plan A is not supposed to be dragged out. I wouldn't do this any longer than another week, just long enough to get your ducks in a row. Get out while the getting is good. Your H is engaging in psychological abuse of the worst kind and the faster you remove yourself, the better.

What do you mean you are "gathering more information"? I thought you knew they were together? HOW are you getting this information? Have you hired a PI? What?

This affair will need to be exposed by you to the OW's family since her H is too weak to do it. I would work on getting all their information now so you can do that.

NotMe2,

I agree with Melody. Don't prolong Plan A much longer (I did it longer than I should have because I didn't have much choice - WH wouldn't leave our home last summer and I had nowhere to go).

If you can get OWH to give you information about OW's family, please do so. If he won't expose her, YOU can. He may have promised not expose her himself, but if you expose and they ask him about it, he can just tell the truth. He is weak in this matter and that is only going to hurt the situation. OWH's in my case was weaker than I was, too.

Make sure you have protected yourself financially, too. Once you go into Plan B, you don't want to break it.

Ok, I hear what you're saying...but, I really don't think so. It all boils down to our religion and they are both afraid of the consequences if they continue the affair.


No, it's not religion. Nothing matters but the affair. not religion, not one's family, not one's livlihood, NOTHING. Think of it as an addiction.

A former collegue of mine had an affair with a married woman. They were both born again Christians and very vocal about moral and family values. They spoke loudly of these values, condemning similar behavior in others. Hypocrites through and through. When the affair was finally revealed to the entire community (because the man involved was a public figure) the woman's church exposed her "sins" to the congregation one Sunday morning. This whore begged for mercy and blamed her affair partner's co-workers (me! and others) because we were all minions of Satan. I never even met this woman and she was blaming me for her affair. Talk about FOG.

My collegue with three children and a loving wife broke off the affair and worked on his marriage (or so it seemed). I found out a year or two later that they had resumed the affair, then he broke it off again and the OW started publicly outing him as lying to her and breaking his promise to her to leave his wife to be with her. And, yes, she was still a "Christian" church-going woman.

In conclusion, religion ain't got nothin' to do with it.

Notme, what did you find out about the affair? What is your evidence and what did you say to the OWH? What was discussed with him?

I have a feeling the OWH is trying to stall you from exposing by saying you need more information. He has "promised" to help her hide her affair, after all. Remember when I told you earlier that you will have to drive the boat here? He is not going to be of any help because he is a wimp.

What evidence of the affair do you have now?

Ok, lets see if I can get all the answers in. I was in his apartment today and have pictures of a card she sent him and his new cell phone receipt. I know not much, but something.

She is at home with her husband sleeping in his bed when before she was in her own room

We (OWH & I) have not caught them together yet and that is what we are trying to do. I told him I would buy him the book and he said he "may" read it.

I packed up all of his household items and put them in the garage. I informed him last night that it was there to be convenient for him if he needs them. 1st step to plan B.

I am only going to hold out for another week or so, but the meds have brought back my confidence and he is going to see his gorgeous wife having a great time without him. I feel good, I am looking good, and am figuring out that it will be his loss. (Let's hope I can keep these thoughts more than 5 minutes!!)

He is currently supporting both households. I don't have a full time job right now because of my mother and her cancer. I need to be available for her. He is in control of the finances right now, but he is being generous - not extra money, but all the bills are paid.

I will be back on late this evening. Thank you all for your responses. They are really appreciated.

I have just read Dr. Harley's article on Plan A & B, but since I loaned out my book I don't know what kind of letter I am supposed to write.

Do I tell him that I have proof of his new phone and letter from her? (I was in his apartment and found them) or do I just keep that info. to myself? I think they are trying to keep this an EA, but I know that won't last. We have not caught them together YET!

We did work closely with each other last night helping out at a friends rehearsal dinner. He didn't start any conversation with me, but I did make small comments here and there. I also sent him a text before I went to bed commenting on what a hard worker he is and how much that is appreciated.

The OWH called me last night because he didn't believe his wife was going where she said she was. I was able to tell him that my WH was with me from 5:00 to 10:00pm. After that I don't know.

I found out he is going to the wedding today. He was invited by the groom's dad. Do I try and sit with him or just be happy and nice to him? I am going with another couple.

I want to wow him at this wedding. I bought a new Victoria's Secret bra (probably TMI - too much info - but it helps if you're visual!!) to go with my v-neck chiffon dress and white high heels. I am 5'8" and haven't worn heels since we were married because he is shorter than me. I love heels and am really excited to wear them.

I will be back on this afternoon. Life stays busy - that's a good thing! Any comments and advice is REALLY apprciated.

Here is the letter, NotMe. And I wouldn't suggest saying anything about the card. Do you know when he would have got it?

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon
Send copy of letter to the OP with this note: pg 81
I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.

Thank you Melody. I will begin my own letter starting tomorrow. I think it will take me a few days to get it right. I may post it here for input - is that allowed?

The letter she sent was dated April 5, 2010, and his new phone was purchased at Walmart on April 16, 2010. He has unlimited everything on it so he can be in contact with her 24/7!

NotMe, please do post the letter and we will be glad to give you feedback.

NotMe-Yes post the letter for feedback, just be sure to remove any real names and places.

I am so hurt, angry, confused...again! We were together most of the weekend helping out for a friends wedding. He didn't say anything to me unless I talked to him first. Why should I be surprised?!

So, our daughter is getting married in 3 weeks. Do I go into plan B before the wedding or wait until after because we will be in contact with each other?

I feel so hopeless. I really can't see him turning around. He is so convinced that he doesn't love me and isn't putting forth any effort whatsoever. I am not fulfilling any of his emotional needs - I'm doing nothing for him, so why would he want to come back? He isn't communicating with me so that's why I'm not doing things.

I just never really thought I would ever have to deal with something like this. Having a really hard time today.

Has anyone had their spouse move out and actually come home wanting to work on things? I would love to hear some "success"
stories.

NotMe2, have you worked on the Plan B letter? I would also prepare to expose the affair. Since you do have evidence they are still in contact, my suggestion would be to expose the affair wide and far AFTER you go dark with what you have. That way you won't have to listen to the fallout. They will only have each other to lovebust.

I would try hard to stay in plan A until after the wedding.

Aim for looking fabulous and putting lots and lots of effort into stuff that will leave a great impression once you do go to B.

The wedding is so VERY close and dd will have less stress for her big day.

I am exposing what's going on right now. They are trying to stay apart and just have a telephone affair. The OWH and I are waiting and watching to catch them.

It has been a crazy weekend. I will be starting the Plan B letter tomorrow. I'm writing my thoughts now though.

I will wait until after the wedding to do Plan B.

I was so hoping that he really was in NC and now I'm back to be so disappointed in him. This was a man with the highest integrity and honor and now can't tell the truth if his life depended on it. So sad.

Just wanting to feel some hope.

To answer a question a while back about what I was doing for me, I just joined the YMCA for me and am doing some rearranging/painting at home. Make it comfortable for me.

Did I mention that I really hate this - especially since I thought we were going to be together forever.

NM2,

Patience patience patience. You are in a marathon ok. You went from "Wow this is great" to "OMG I can't cope" again.

Being calm, self-confident and looking great are going to be some of the best ways to re-attract him. That and knowing your plan which MBers can help you put together and give it final touchups.

Look, you can get your plan together for plan B, exposure, etc. but until then you are going to uphold your marriage vows. Your interactions with him should be calm, self confident, smiling, loving, friendly, warm, sincere.

He is your husband that you promised to love through health & sickness for richer or poorer, etc. Well right now you can start to think of him as very sick so much so that he cannot give you anything right now. He's too sick. But you can do this. Be strong and patient. Come here to vent and get support. Be brave and strong through this storm.

Thank you BP! I need to remember that he is sick. I am really very compassionate and to remember that will help me be kinder to him.

Your right, even thought he is willing to forget the better or worse part, that is what I keep remembering.

Patience and calmness are NOT my virtues, but I will be doing all that I can do implement them.

What did Yoda say, "Do - there is no try!!"

Thanks again everyone.

((((NotMe2))))

I know that feeling of hopelessness and it is very depressing. Just know that we all care about you and know what you are going through. It is hard to watch someone you know so well, someone you know to have high morals and integrity, slide down into someone who is a total stranger and whom you never thought could do the things he has done.

And yes, YES - it is possible to turn things around. That's God's job, though, not yours. Your job is to work on you, because that's all you have control over. As much as you want to control WH, you can't. And trying to control him will not help. Try to focus on your DD right now, too. That will help keep your mind occupied.

Focus on preparation for Plan B and remaining as nice as you can. BP is right - WH's have a sickness and it will take time for them to come back from it. Some come back slower than others and some never do recover. However, there are also those that wake up one day and fever is gone! It's like a miracle.

Who knows if your WH or mine will get to recover from the sickness? Only God knows. Keep your spirits up.

Some success stories that were thought be sure cases of D:
Sexy Mama Bear (very inspiring to me) Find the thread called "Now eating my words...update--life with him back home"
Mimi Find the thread "MY GIFT TO YOU-PLEASE LISTEN!!"

Also check out: "*SUCCESS STORIES 2* Be Inspired * Survive * Thrive"

I don't know how to link these stories directly here for you, but at least I know what the titles are!