If you expect to have an active love life after age 60, you had better take care of yourself, and your spouse, in your 40s. A lot of men and women just let themselves go after age 35. Look at some of those list above of causes of low libido - a lot of them, physical and mental, can be traced back to not being healthy and in good physical condition.

A lot of wives think they can play mother for 25 years, ignoring their love life, then just pick things back when the children are gone off to college. They don't even remember where they left off.

A lot of husbands think they are going to work their brains out, retire and age 50, and catch up on all that time they missed with the wife and family. Doesn't happen. There is no catching up on anything except financial things.

It is a whole lot easier to remain attractive to, and attracted to, your mate, than it is to recreate it in middle age.

Amen

I agree, just let things flow and be natural. Don't try to place any preconceived expectations on your relationship or sex life.

I agree with not accepting someone else's preconceived notions about your relationship or sex life being mediocre, but I think we all need to construct new conceptions of your marriages, including your sex life, being exceptional and fulfilling, for ours entire life. Too many people decide, early in life, that they will be unable to do this or that at so-and-so age. That is the most certain way to insure that you never do any better.

I agree if married people can get excited about sex they should do it till they drop. Thats my beleif too. I mean its a very important part of life and God gave us to each other with that in mind.

It can be recreated in the later parts of life but why rob yourself thru all the years?

JImmy Durante fathered a child in his late 60s. He said "If ya don't use it, ya lose it" but I have heard of a lot of people who fell in love late in life and picked up having sex after years of not having it.

Its about attitude and self respect I think and a BIG part of being in love.

Its just that even though it is best to experience each other that way thier is more to romance than the sex act itself. What I mean is that you can see where two ppl are so devoted to each other that their love banks are overflowing and of course they would sleep with them but even though they can't it doesn't bother them. That even in young people who have to be apart for awhile. Devotion and conviction does that.

It is my guess that a lot of the lack of romance in marriages is due to the self-doubts of the wives. Women seem to have a lot of problems with self-confidence, and self-image. After having babies, after age 40, or 50 or many other "events", they don't believe they are attractive. So they don't believe their husbands could find them attractive. They dismiss their husband's affection as being dishonest. If he shows any desire for them, it must just be him; it must just be generic lust for any female.

The MB solution to this is to become more aware of your own little disrespectful judgements of yourself, and of others who complement you. It means having an O&H discussion about what each of you find attractive, and unattractive, and making the efforts you maybe let slide over the years.

ITA

I saw a lot in this post Retread. Maybe I was just restating the obviuos but I thought it noteworthy

Thanks for continuing the discussion and expanding on my remarks with your own views.

I really think a lot of the conflict I have experienced and witnessed, not just in marriage, is largely due to one person not being able to perceive and appreciate good behavior, love, and efforts to connect for what they really were. Something inside of them - their upbringing, or previous hurts, or low self-image - distorts the honest efforts of other people.

Like I said in another post, self-awareness requires looking in the mirror with our glasses off, and looking at our glasses to see how much they distort our vision of ourselves and the world.

I think that a woman aged 60 does not have sexual desire without hormone replacement therapy. She may desire intimacy and closeness, but not be driven by a desire the main event.... So, yes, she may be willing to take one for the team, but it is not a driving force to the extent that she will initiate sexual activity to fulfill her sexual desire need as when she was premenopausal. If this is true, I must let go of my expectations to be wanted/desired in a sexual context with an older woman....

Interesting that you would say that. I'm an old woman (62), and I have a good sex life. Don't think about sex much but have been having SF and orgasms 5 or 6 times a week with my partner.

You're my new hero, believer

No, really, you are!

Always makes me laugh when people think that old folks don't have good sex. It all worked when I was young and has continued to work.

Plus no worries about pregnancy, no little ones underfoot, all of the stresses gone.

jungian, SF is like any other staying in shape. Those who think they can take a break from it for 20 years while raising children will find it more difficult to get back to where they were or want to be, than someone who kept up with it all along. But it can be done. It's not all mental, nor all physical.

Believer, you make 60 sound like the new 30

Love it!

Desire and performance are somewhat two separate issues. One can perform at later stages of life (i.e. have orgasms), but as believer states "Don't think about sex much" is the desire/drive piece that seems to fade.

I'd argue that the vast majority of my 30something friends don't think about sex much either unless they're in a brand new relationship.

I deliberately think about sex. Its fun and makes me happy but if I'm busy and don't remember to then it doesn't just automatically happen.

Really I don't ever remember having much desire unless involved in SF. It never just hit me like it does some people. Always been receptive to SF though. Luckily never had problems with arousal or enjoying it.

The one complaint I've always heard is my failure to initiate SF. To correct that I had to make a mental note and really concentrate on remembering to do it. Kind of like remembering to clean out the refrigerator every week.

Maybe, but so what?


Desire and performance cannot be completely separated. Women will tell you that all day long - many of them cannot separate sexual desire from the other ENs and LBs in their life. Many men can. Maybe men are less complex, or just more driven by the physical drive due to their biological wiring.

Men have the same need to have the relationship in order as a prerequisite to desire for their wives, as women do for their husbands. It is just not as apparent. When a man is young, his strong physical sex drive often overpowers his emotional side. As he ages, and testosterone levels decrease, or if he is on some medication which suppresses his ability to become quickly aroused, or suffers an injury, or some sort of urinary tract surgery, this emotional side of lovemaking is going to play a larger role, maybe even become dominant. That is why it is important to iron out the lovemaking problems in your relationship as early as you can, because you never know what is going to suddenly change. The sooner you can get in touch with this "feminine" side of your desire for your wife, the better, because it can lead to longer, more relaxed SF for both of you.

Also, you may find yourself enjoying "making out" without "going all the way", just like you and your wife did when you were dating. There is a lot other lovemaking in between nothing and SF in the bedroom.

That's my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

Rosycheeks and believer make such prfound points - I deliberately think about sex, I had to make a mental note and really concentrate on remembering to do it.

I think we sometimes think sex has to be this mystical external force where we are hit by this primal passion that makes us want to rip our spouse's clothes off. I confess I do have those times. But meeting a need for SF isn't so much about that. It's about me KNOWING my spouse has that need, so I make a conscious choice to MAKE it important to me.

Oh, and my parents are 67 and 75, and they are still like twenty-somethings - yeah, there's a little "ewww" there, but I am happy for them.