I really can't leave my job. I know you guys do not believe me. But here where I live now it is not easy to find stuff> I would if I could. I truly hope not to end up in a mad house. I think so far I managed better than most people. But I do need a spot where to vent....

Atena, this is a death of a thousand cuts. A long slow death that has been going on for years. Yes, you are managing, but what are you managing? A slow death..

A better solution is to stop dying and start living. You can't do that if you see him every day. You are dying...slowly...

That is scary!

I AGREE!!!

Please move.

I don't know but I see people on this board who live in the same town as WS and share custody so they run into WS from time to time. They also happen to see him or her at their kids sporting events or school events.
Not many people on this board have relocated. Relocating is very difficult at a time when your life is already shattered and the only security you have is your job and the community around your job. I have a great network of friends and family here. Were I to move I would find myself broke and utterly alone...with no support.
blessing

Atena, the fact of the matter is there are no timeframes by which we should operate, and no magic algebraic formulas that say once you do 'X' (TIME) and mix in some 'Y' (DISTRACTIONS), you end up with 'Z' ("GETTING OVER" WS). We are all DIFFERENT, and your relationship is UNIQUE -- and different than me and Skatt's (or any other two people, for that matter.) What takes one person eight days to accomplish can take someone else eight months. Doesn't make either person better or worse than the other one.....

If you're still "stuck", that doesn't mean you are broken or that you're not doing something correctly. (Sidenote: great post, Fred-O...) If you still care, that just means you're human. You have no more ability to dictate how to STOP CARING any more than you can control the degree to which YOU CARE. You just do.

I care, too. Maybe that's why I've trudged along my path as long as I have. There's a lot I don't know. I'm no expert on life. You know what I DO know, though? Some day I won't care. And until I reach that day when the realization that I don't care is as tangible as the sheer comfort in having a vacancy on my ring finger, I neither worry about when that day will be, nor what I should do to accelerate the process of attaining indifference.

I think part of the process of RELEASING is just being accepting of the fact that it will happen eventually. Don't get sucked into the when's and the why's. Just make your peace with knowing that day will come. And just leave it at that.

TB

Atena, I have been checking in on your postings.

I am in the same situation. I work with my XWH and the OW.

As you, I do not have too many options to move at this time.

1) DD16 - I made a promise to her that she can finish HS here (she is a junior). It took much hard work, patience and time and now she is doing well in school again.

2) I have 30+ career at my company and need to pay into my retirement which is crucial the last 5 years of work to build it up.

Have experienced many of the same struggles of seeing XH at work. I now work directly across the street and see his car every morning now. I do see OW on ocassion also which is more of a challenge (not to jump across the aisle and choke the life out of her -- ok ok it is only visual in my brain).

How do I handle it. It is difficult but recently it has gotten easier, or I am stronger.

I don't agree with your assessment of by exposing it wrecked your chances with WH. When I did not expose it almost put me over the edge. I struggled every day. XH and OW banked on that I would keep their sleazy A to myself. They were wrong.

Now when someone asks (amazingly some people don't know after almost 2 years after this A started and D at end of year); I say I am sorry but XH left our family for his direct report PP and he lives with her now. That is why he was demoted last year. This is not what I wanted and I was committed to my M but XH has decided to settle for much less.

Jaws drop, eyes bugs out and sometimes direct honesty is too much. I walk away with my head held high.

I do as much Plan B as you do but you never know when that wayward will pop up.

Like you I do love the "unloveable". I have come to the realization that until he implodes with OW that he will stay in the fog. Some days I think I must be nuts but I know that God has a plan for me and right now this is where I belong.

Isolation is not good. I did the same for months and kept turning down most invitations. Preferred my own company and DD16. Went to movies by myself because I would cry through most of them.

Now I have great support at work and some real friends that I might not have because of this. I am blessed with some MB friends on this board that have hit me with 2x4s and the next minute gave me hugs.

You need to listen to these vets and find out what you enjoy. Work on yourself. When I started it was strictly "to win" XH back. Now I do it for myself. I go to the gym 3/4 times a week faithfully, grew out my hair, changed my look. If anything it confuses XWH when I see him (by the way 40 pounds heavier, bloated and aged 10 years).

Yes, there are days I just don't want to deal. I actually hear co-workers calling him some days about work issues. Walk out in the aisle and just breathe.

You can do this -- one day at a time.

Sorry for the length.

Thank you for your support BT. It helps to know that we Aare all different in our timing. It has been 7 months for me and I expect miracles.
I am telling myself that it will take all the time it needs. I am allowing my self to feel whatever and I am giving myself permission to feel stuck, resistant and desperate...and then I let it go and put it in the hands of god.
blessing

Thank you for you post Hope. It really helped...I got a lot of 2x4 here today...and rightfully so, but in truth I am like you. I have to stay in this job if I want to move on to a better carreer. I am in a good position now, can't tell you details for privacy reasons but it will make me very marketable if I stay on the job I have for 2 more academic years.
Fortunately I only work 180 per year, the rest is time off. And during this time I do not have to see WH. I can plan to do other things or even find a part time job.
I have a good support group but spend the rest of my free time studing. I am taking a bunch of credits and preparing a demanding class I will be teaching in the summer.
In September I will not have graduate credits to take any longer and have all the intention to live it up and go out with friends and develop activities I enjoy.
When I get glimpses of H now it is already a little diffrent than 7 months ago. I am a lot more cold and feel much less. However the only time I saw him with OW was yesterday when they were driving together and that hurt. That was the first time I have ever seen them together. So no wonder I felt so strongly about it.
Thank you hope, that helped
blessing

Most of the ppl here in plan B don't see their spouse, and if they do see their spouse, they need to change that. Otherwise, they will live as you are, Atena, in a death of a thousand cuts where you die a little more each and every day.

Lets say every single person on this forum BREAKS PLAN B and sees their WS every day, does that make it wise? No, it does not. It means the purpose of Plan B - to separate you from the triggering pain - is DEFEATED. The purpose of Plan B has been DEFEATED in your case, Atena.

And to those of you who are giving her cover and encouraging her to continue living this life of suicide,

This is NOT PLAN B, so please don't call it that. And please don't mislead ppl into thinking this is acceptable. This is how women end up having nervous breakdowns and having WEEKLY and DAILY meltdowns characterized by uncontrollable sobbing JAGS.

Dr Harley devised Plan B because so many of his clients had nervous breakdowns and suffered years of post traumatic stress disorder. We know of people who have hung themselves. To play games with this plan is irresponsible.

There is a HUGE difference in the mental outlook of someone who is really in Plan B and someone who is in a pretend Plan B. The ones who really do Plan B have a great deal of PEACE. The ones who play games with it suffer terribly, as Atena has here.

The suffering she endures is UNBELIEVABLE. So please think of that when you tell her what you think she wants to hear.

If you think we are "encouraging" Atena to continue to live in this environment, you are wrong. Shared with her my own situation and would not wish this on anyone. (Editing)

Again, I am not encouraging atena to stay in this situation -- I am sharing my own experience. Your right the suffering is unbelievable. I am not telling her what she wants to hear.

Yes, you DID encourage her! And I wonder if you have been there when she is in the depths of despair? Are you going to help her as this gets WORSE and worse and worse?

I hope you also pray for ATENA. Her life has been made a living HELL because of her husband. Can you perhaps help me get her out of that nightmare?

Can I have some help in helping my friend out of hell, please?

Again, I did not encourage her because I shared my own personal experience. I did not tell her to stay but did encourage her to work on herself, told her to get out and build friendships.

She could quit her job tomorrow and move but till then she is faced with this. Many MBers have been my life line through this and some our my dear friends. would be happy to help Atena anytime as others on his board including yourself.

What you did was encourage her to continue to break Plan B. Never once did you encourage her to stop it, rather you told her it was ok. You handed a drowning person an ANVIL. Thanks!

We have been doing this for YEARS on this board. Plan B means NO CONTACT, not a little contact and not seeing them at work every day. That AIN'T Plan B.

What you are advocating here is NOT MARRIAGE BUILDERS, not Plan B; it is your own irresponsible, unqualified opinion and it does not work. It has dragged Atena through hell.

We need to stick to Marriage Builders, not find ways to cut corners that cause obvious suffering to posters. Atena has suffered greatly because she has cut this corner, so we already know that cutting corners doesn't work. My goal is to help her THRIVE, not to help her suffer more.

I guess the name of this plan is Plan S for PLAN SUFFER, huh? How can I help my friends suffer MORE? When they are slowly killing themselves should I hand them a pistol or a knife? hmmmm, decisions, decisions...

I still have to thank Hope for her post because life is not perfect and plan Bs are not perfect. We all have to deal with the reality of the economic crisis, of job scarsity and of not being 20 any longer and being drained of energy.
My H is horrible but he is no worse than the ones I read about on this board.
I have gone thru a lot with him but I have been a doormat for so long...
I now feel that with the possibility of a better job and with my graduate degree under my belt, and with 180 days off a year I can keep the job I have and manage the best I can.
Melody, I know you care a lot about me and that you heard my desperation many times.
I know why I am desperate, it is because I still hope to hold my H in my arms again one day. I have to let go of that once and for good. Once I let him go I will be free.
I just puzzles me how I can still feel for a man like him. It just drives me crazy becasue there is absolutely no logic to it.
I would utterly HATE any other individual who would have treated me half as bad as H did. Yet, I still love H. And would take him back. SCARY but true.
There is somethng majorly wrong with me...
blessing

I do understand that Atena has that option and yes she will feel better when she moves. I also read in almost every post Atena has wrote she says she will not move right now. My posting to her is not irresponsible. I understand this is a MB forum and my post is not cutting corners for her. Everyone here wants to see her thrive as all the others on this board.

(editing)