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Two weeks is brand new.
It WILL get better, in a few more weeks.
Then it will get worse, a few months after that.
Then it will get better again.
Quote:

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for posting. Seriously.

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My resentement for my H first A never went away because my H was not sorry at all for what he did even if he did tell me all the details of the A.
Do you get the impression that you W is totally on board in this R process. What is your gut feeling about it?
blessing


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I do believe she is committed to our recovery. I see the pain she feels, she has told me that her pain is from what she did and the impact it has had on me.

I do believe my wife loves me and that she made the biggest mistake of her (OUR) life and she wants to take it all back.

I also feel that I sent the NC email, she was there when I sent it (I guess I didn't really give her the choice on that one) - based on everything that I have access to she has not had contact with him. His wife does not know and unless he tries to contact my wife I don't intend on telling her (it is not my responsibility) as long as my wife has NC I am working on my marriage and don't care about the other man's marriage w/ his wife (they have 1 child also).

There was another guy friend that she chatted with from time to time and I asked her to send a NC email to him, and then asked again and then again until it finally happened.

I asked her after I found out about the affair - to throw out the shirt she purchased for the baseball game that she went to with him but she didn't until I had a break down near midnight last night and then she threw it in the trash.

I have asked her to contact her girlfriend that she used to cover up the trip at the beginning of this month and tell her that I know everything and that she is not welcome to visit us and my wife is not welcome to visit them unless I am there (which will not happen) - she still hasn't done that.

So yes I believe that my wife is on board - but needs to still take care of these requests. I don't want to put demands on her, I want her to do this freely because it is something that will/should help our recovery.

JP

Last edited by jpowelle5; 04/23/10 02:03 PM.

_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Originally Posted By: jpowelle5
Another sleepless night ---

I know this recovery process is a long, hard, painful journey. And it sure does suck but I know it is worth more to me to go through this than it is to give up.

We discussed the last physical contact - all aspects, kissing, hand holding, locations where they ate, when she checked into the hotel, when he got there, pretty much everything I could think of to ask at that particular time.

We went to bed around 10pm and I woke up in a panic around 11:30pm remembering she purchased a shirt for the opening day game. I got up went and checked the bank statement and found out it was 10 days prior to that weekend. I woke my wife up with the question of how long before the weekend did she know she was going to see him and insisted she throw the shirt in the trash.

Needless to say I never fully got back to bed. We did make love in the morning and it made me feel better emotionally also...

It sometimes feel like I just found out though. Two weeks after DDay and it doesn't feel like I have made much progress. I guess like anything else (1 day at a time).

Thanks for reading.

JP


Sounds like me, jp. I can't remember how many nights I woke up FWH, but there were plenty.
Stuff that had to go: a great navy pea coat and really cool necklace he bought me for Christmas. I just couldn't keep them after realizing he'd bought them and then called OW to talk to her while on his way home from buying them. crazy

I made him sell his car because she'd been in it and they'd been in their clenches in it.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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GREAT WEEKEND

Ran the 1/2 marathon & spent some quality time with my wife. Both Saturday and Sunday our conversation turned to the affair at one point & she had a break down this time but for the most part both days were spent talking and being there with each other reconnecting.

I had to run by the bar that they met up at and the hotel she slept with him at and although the hamster in my head started running 100 miles an hour, I didn't let it ruin my run, I pushed them thoughts out and focused on finishing the 13.1 miles.

My wife was at the finish line waiting and cheering me on. I felt great and was happy that she was there.

Hope everyone else had a great weekend.

Jay


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Jay, congratulations on the half! I ran one two weeks ago. Non-runners will never know how exhilarating this can be.

I also wish to congratulate you on the progress you have made here in such a short time. Please keep us posted.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Jay, congratulations on the half! I ran one two weeks ago. Non-runners will never know how exhilarating this can be.

I also wish to congratulate you on the progress you have made here in such a short time. Please keep us posted.


Hey, I've got a 5K coming up in two weeks! 'Course, that pales in comparison to a half marathon...


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Hey, I've got a 5K coming up in two weeks! 'Course, that pales in comparison to a half marathon...

There is no such thing as a bad run. A run around the block is better than always sitting at home in front of the TV...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Hi JP,

Originally Posted By: jpowelle5
His wife does not know and unless he tries to contact my wife I don't intend on telling her (it is not my responsibility) as long as my wife has NC I am working on my marriage and don't care about the other man's marriage w/ his wife (they have 1 child also).


You MUST tell this man's wife. Exposure is key to keeping this affair from flaring up again. And his wife needs to know.

What if OM's wife felt the same way, and he never told YOU and YOU were the one in the dark?

It's also an important step in recovery. Your WW needs to apologize to OM's wife.

Recovery is not easy... hang tuff!



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Thanks everyone. It was a good weekend and at times it feels like the recovery is in the right track but other times it feels like I am going no where. Last night I was up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. I was angry that this has happened, hurt also but more angry that my wife could do something like this.

It went from chatting in mid-December, to phone calls, text and chatting in January to sleeping with this guy in early February. My wife is a very beautiful women and this other man is a complete slob - I just can not wrap my head around this...

Fred - Thanks, It was a great accomplishment for me. I finished it in 2hr 11min 3sec. With all the stress and situation that I am going through I think I did rather well.

Maritalbliss - Good luck on the 5K & thanks for all the kind words.

Drucilla - I agree she has the right to know and I understand what you are saying and the last thing I want is this thing starting up again & what if she knew but took my stance, I would remain in the dark (honestly I think ignorance is bliss)as long as the affair is dead that is. I am still not going to address it unless I see he has tried to contact my wife or my wife has tried to contact him.

The only other people that know about the affair is my wife's friend that helped cover for her when she went to the opening day with the other man and our best friends that were here this weekend.

Thanks again.

Jay


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Originally Posted By: jpowelle5

Drucilla - I agree she has the right to know and I understand what you are saying and the last thing I want is this thing starting up again & what if she knew but took my stance, I would remain in the dark (honestly I think ignorance is bliss)as long as the affair is dead that is. I am still not going to address it unless I see he has tried to contact my wife or my wife has tried to contact him.


I thought the same thing. That covering up the truth that might hurt my wife is actually a good or honorable thing to do. And why rock the boat?
And after all, I will tell OMW, if...

Well, eventually I had to tell her because all the "if-s" actually came true. Speaking about false recovery here and months of my life wasted.

So this is where you are headed to also.

In time you will start thinking that OM and your WW got away with terrible crime against you. And you just have to suck it up and living with it daily.

So, instead of it, please follow the advice that you have got from these forums.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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So can anyone make sense of this:

On my way to the Outback Steakhouse I asked my wife these questions:
what had you going back for more?
- Was it that is was great sex?
- Was it the thrill of sneaking around?
- Was it emotional fulfillment?

Dinner was good. We shared a dinner and had a few drinks and talked. We got home and talked about different things. The subject got back on the questions I had asked in my text.

Wife said it wasn't because of great sex, it wasn't the thrill of sneaking around, she said it was about emotional fulfillment and companionship. She also said they had a lot in common. Then she said it was partly due to her sense of empowerment (power of him).

Background on this - he is an ex-boyfriend that caused some of my wife's some serious emotional problems.

She said in your first relationship with him, he had all the power and she felt that this time "it was look at me, look at what I have become" and she said she had the power over him. I asked her, I would like you to try and make me understand (at that time) how you felt you had power over him.

Because my wife already knows my opinion on this - she didn't have any power, every time he sent her a text she responded, every time he called, she answered or returned his call (heck even when I would call and interrupt their conversation) she would call him back. And finally he suggested she meet him downtown (she did), he suggested she go back to his room (she did) and he suggested she meet him in Pittsburg and (again she did). It seems to me that he had the power to manipulate and control her into doing what he wanted.

So - what goes on in the mind of a cheater? I could see if she was the one making the plays, calling the shots - then I could believe it was a sense of empowerment.

Thanks to all.

Jay


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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Jay,

I have been composing a thread from the mind of a WW but it isn't quite completed yet. In the meantime, I think I can offer some insight for you. First of all please realize that if/when your wife answers your questions, the answers will most likely change. This isn't because she is intentionally lying but more because she is defogging and seeing how things really are.

I can tell you in my situation it wasn't the sex and it wasn't the thrill of sneaking around (in fact, I hated that part because it interferred with my fantasy.) There was definitely emotional fulfillment. My affair was a PA but I can honestly say I would have been just as happy in an EA.

As for the power thing, I kinda get that. My OM was an old boyfriend as well. I don't think he caused me any emotional distress in the past, but I think I liked the "look what you missed out on" approach.

I think the thing I got (or imagined I was getting) was acceptance. OM loved me for who I was, not what I did for him. I see now that this was make-believe at its finest. I felt very judged in my marriage and here was OM telling me I could do no wrong. Of course I could do no wrong because I wasn't taking care of his house or raising his kids. He didn't care if I was sloppy or lazy or spent scads of money because those things didn't affect him.

You are looking at her affair as an outside observer so her lack of power is obvious to you but it probably wasn't to her at the time and it may not be for awhile. You pointing it out to her is just going to make her feel persecuted. I would imagine that she is already thinking of these things herself but isn't ready to admit how weak she was (and how stupid). Remember I can make derisive comments about myself all day long but if someone else (my husband) makes them, I automatically go on the defense.

Just so you know my husband still struggles with this stuff. I can honestly say that now, I don't really think of the OM except when he continually brings him up. It is when he is at his most judgemental, that I have to work on to fight of the urge to imagine my make-believe life with OM where I don't have to feel this pain. It is well worth the effort.

I hope this helps. I know it sounds trite but it really wasn't about you....it was about her and she will hopefully see that too.

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sunny that was a great post.

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Yes - Thank you for your post. I believe my wife felt she had power over him (but once I disected what she was saying).

She broke down into tears and said "I have let this person sink me to my lowest spot in my life for a second time" Why do I do this?

I didn't want to make her feel this way - I was simply looking for the answer to the question WHY?

JP


_________________________
Me: BS 36
WW: 33
Married: 10 Yrs (4/8/2000)
Together: 13 Yrs
Dday: 4/9/2010
Online EA Started: 12/2009 to the best of my knowledge
PA Occured: 2/6/2010 & 4/4/2010 & 4/5/2010
OM: A former boyfriend living in another state
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