Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
We met on a singles site, relationship has progressed to the point of saying "I love you" and he wants to go house hunting. Yet he still has his profile on a bunch of singles sites, his profile says that he's single and looking for a relationship and I know that he responds to "flirts", "winks", etc. He says it's polite to respond to someone. I don't think he actually meets any of these people in person because he usually tells me where he is or where he's going. Should I be worried? Why does he do this?

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
I'd suggest you dump this guy and look for a better quality man who will be willing to have an exclusive relationship with you.

I also don't think you should be house hunting with a man you aren't married to. The fact that he is wanting to do this is one sign to me that he is not marriage material. So is the fact that he is still engaging in courtship behavior with other women.

Are you aware that when people live together and then get married, their marriages fail far more often than people who wait until they get married?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025b_qa.html

Don't get stuck with this guy. If he's doing this now, just think what he'll do after you get married! (Or live together.) Tell him goodbye.

And then pick up a couple of books from the Marriage Builders bookstore, like Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, and I Promise You.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,149
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,149
Darksands-

I agree with markos but I want to add a few more insights:

First of all, although you met your BF on a singles site, you now know he is signed up on more than one "singles site" and still indicates his status as "single". This is a huge redflag because he still is acting like he is single.

Second, the idea that "winking" and "flirting" is "polite" is a bunch of baloney. Here is the definition of flirting:

Quote
Flirting is a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely indicates a romantic or sexual interest towards another. It can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact


When a person is in a relationship with another person (and considering something as "exclusive" as moving in together or engagement etc) "flirting" and "winking" isn't polite...it's rude and hurtful. It shows a lack of commitment and a lack of care for one's significant other.

This guy isn't worth any more of your time. If you move in with him, you will be with a man who thinks it's okay to act like he is available to anyone (on singles sites, at work, in the local coffee shop etc).

He is still "active" on singles sites because he still wants to be "single" but have you on the side.



johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Thank you for your responses.

Please let me clarify a few things. I have been married three times, my boyfriend has been married twice. The last marriages were both long term - mine 17 years, his 10 years. Both of us have been cheated on before. When his wife died a few years ago, he eventually turned to the singles sites to find people to talk to and go out with. I think it became a habit for him.

He did take his profile off of three singles sites AFTER I asked him to. I found him on one more and have not said anything yet. He says that he does not initiate contact, but I know that he responds when a woman winks or flirts with him. He is very outgoing and likes to talk to people - both male and female.

I don't think he is meeting anyone in person, he is very accountable for where he is and what he is doing. He did change his status on facebook to say that he is in a relationship with me. I've read a lot about this on the net and the opinions are varied. Some say that it's disrespectful to the current partner, some say that it's just done out of boredom or the "thrill of the hunt".

Everything else about this man is great. Except for this one thing. I know every relationship takes work - not sure if this is enough to kick him to the curb. I know I'm uncomfortable with it and wanted some other opinions to try and figure out which way to go with this.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.

BTW, I was on this site ten years ago when my last husband cheated. The marriage survived, however the steps I took were fairly unconventional...this site helped a lot, but I chose my own road and it worked.


Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,775
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,775
If the marriage survived how is it you're with another man? What, exactly, "worked" when you chose your "own road"?


Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
I was married to my late husband for 17 years. 7 years into the marriage he had a "midlife" crisis that involved cheating on me with a 25 year old (we were both 40). He died last year, that is how I am with another man. Not sure I want to say what steps I took because this is a marriage builders site and what I did goes directly against what most of the advice here is (as I remember it) and it WOULD NOT work for the majority of people.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by DarkSands
Thank you for your responses.

Please let me clarify a few things.

I read the clarification, and I can't see how it changes the situation. Willing to move in with a woman he's not married to, willing to engage in courtship behavior with women while he's moving in with a woman ... these are two very good signs that you can do better. Don't get yourself stuck with him.

Quote
Everything else about this man is great. Except for this one thing.

I keep counting at least two things.

Quote
I know every relationship takes work - not sure if this is enough to kick him to the curb.

HE'S COURTING OTHER WOMEN.

If that's not enough to convince you to kick him to the curb, what will it take? Does he need to sleep with other women to convince you? Physically abuse you? Molest your children?

HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE.

I promise you, Ma'am, there are plenty of men out there worth your time who will give you a ring before moving you into their harem - I mean house - and who will not court other women while in a relationship with you.

"Takes work" - for dating people, that means he has an annoying habit or something. When he's fundamentally violating your relationship, that's not "takes work." Find someone where you can start higher up the scale.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by markos
Quote
Everything else about this man is great. Except for this one thing.

I keep counting at least two things.

I think you should hold off making commitments to this man until you can find at least two things wrong with him.

Do you own a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
That's pretty harsh.

If he didn't believe in marriage, he would not have gotten married twice. Neither one of us is a kid.

Physically abuse me or molest my kids? Please. That's a tad bit overboard. He does not sleep with other women.

It is also my opinion that there is nothing wrong with living with someone BEFORE marriage. I lived with my second ex for six years and was married to him for six years. I lived with my late husband before marrying him as well...and that lasted 17 years until he died.

Lastly, I am here for other people's views on this. Smartass comments like the last one you posted are neither helpful nor funny.

Thanks.


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by DarkSands
Lastly, I am here for other people's views on this. Smartass comments like the last one you posted are neither helpful nor funny.

I see. You are only here for views that confirm what you already agree with. I will bow out, then.

But for the record, I wasn't a smartass until this post.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Not at all. I appreciate your input, gives me a more balanced view. Everyone has their own opinion about marriage - I respect yours, please respect mine.

I am more interested in why he does this...need to know from a male viewpoint.

Thanks.

Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Originally Posted by DarkSands
I am more interested in why he does this...need to know from a male viewpoint.

Well, my guess is he does this because he is still keeping his options open. IOW, if a good enough "prize" winks at him, he just might take it further. That is fine if you are still dating around, but if you are talking about moving in together, then he should have no business being on any dating site, let alone respond to winks.

I stayed on dating sites for about two months after first meeting my now-wife. But as soon as it became evident that we were an item, I removed all my profiles and never looked back. If I was involved with someone and saw them on dating sites, I'd be "un-involved" in a hearbeat.

I'm curious, have you confronted him about this? Have you told him how you feel about it? Being "friendly", outgoing", or "polite" is a lame-a$$ excuse, IMO. So I'd use this as a litmus test of your compatibility. If you do not see eye to eye on this fairly critical issue, then I think you need to reconsider the level of commitment that you have in this relationship.

AGG


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Thank you AGG. I did confront him on three of the profiles that I found and he immediately removed them. This is when he said that he only responded when someone "winked" at him, he did not initiate any contact. He also informed me that there was a fourth one and that he had removed it (without my asking). I have checked since, and they all remain gone. I'm fairly good with computers (he is not), so even if he changed some of the information and put up another profile, I would have found it. He knows that it upsets me, and the last time I confronted him he offered to give me the passwords to his email accounts and said I could keep his phone.

This last profile I found I have not said anything about yet.



Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
DS, do not buy a house with this man. Possibly rent but don't even put both of your names on the lease. If it's in your name make sure you can carry the lease alone if he moves out. No matter what, protect yourself financially.

Yes, he's keeping his options open. Which means you're the one for now... but may not forever.

DS, I'm also wondering about the time line. Your husband died last year, in 2009. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Whether it was sudden like mine or expected for a while, it's still a terrible hole.

I'm concerned that maybe it's a little soon for you to be moving in with someone. I know I'm different. I just this week got rid of some of my husband's clothes. I don't want you to pull a Queen Victoria, but do use a lot of caution. Date any man at least a full year before even talking about moving in together. And, really protect yourself financially if you're not getting married before he moves in.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Greengables, thanks for your response.

I am all set financially - I own my place outright with no money owed and if I do find a house with my boyfriend, I have no intentions of selling my place (yeah, at my age, security nets are a good thing...LOL).

My husband died last year after being ill for many years. His death was not a surprise and I did a lot of grieving for him and for the future that we would not have while he was still with us. My role as caregiver for him and for our children precluded me from having much of a life (I also work full time and own a small business on the side). I guess in some ways it is soon to date - but I felt ready emotionally, mentally and physically, so I did. My husbands death also reinforced the fact that we need to grab happiness when ever and where ever we can find it, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by DarkSands
That's pretty harsh.

If he didn't believe in marriage, he would not have gotten married twice. Neither one of us is a kid.
I'm sorry, I just can't let this pass.

My soon-to-be ex-wife has now been married four times. She has left each. And in my estimation, is now working on #5.

Oh sure, she believes in marriage, alright. She just doesn't believe in adult, mature, responsible relationships. Each time the "passion" fades and it comes time to be an adult, she bails.

Being married is not the measure of maturity and responsibility. If it were, there wouldn't be a need for a site such as Marriage Builders.

DarkSands, you've only spoken about your last --third-- marriage. What happened to the other two? You do know that statistically, the chances of having a successful marriage decrease exponentially with each, don't you? And what do you know about your boyfriend's past marriages?

I don't know enough about you or your story to advise you one way or the other. But the redflag redflag redflag suggest the bells I'm hearing aren't wedding bells, but the sound of the TKO in the boxing ring.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Hello Fred.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes people just don't want to grow up - it's sad, but true.

My first marriage was the shot gun marriage, I knew it wouldn't work before I said I do. But back then (in the dark ages) that's what you did to give your child a legitimate name. marriage lasted only a couple of years. Second marriage - lived with him for six years, married for six. I grew up, he didn't (hmmmm...). I left both of them.

Boyfriend's first marriage lasted about six years, she left him and he raised their son. His second marriage lasted eight years, he was with his wife two years before that. She died a couple of years ago. He took care of her for the ten years they were together, she had health issues.

He's not commitment phobic, for sure. And he is definitely mature and responsible - more so than many other men I know.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
D
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 18
Guess I don't fit the statistics...

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted by DarkSands
He's not commitment phobic, for sure. And he is definitely mature and responsible - more so than many other men I know.
Not from where I stand.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734
What stands out to me is that if you have already told him that this is making you unhappy, and he has continued to do it, then maybe he's not in a place to offer you a real caring relationship.

I would talk to him again about it all. Have you asked him if he has ever read any of the marriage builders materials?

Someone can have been married for 30 years and still not be the kind of person its enjoyable to be married to. Make sure of that first before making any commitments. You can watch and wait for a while longer without it costing you anything.


Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 975 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02
71,826 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5