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I just puzzles me how I can still feel for a man like him. It just drives me crazy becasue there is absolutely no logic to it.
I would utterly HATE any other individual who would have treated me half as bad as H did. Yet, I still love H. And would take him back. SCARY but true.
There is somethng majorly wrong with me...
blessing To be fair, I haven't read your whole thread - I will tonite - but those words resonate with me. Most people think we're completely insane for wanting a man who cheats on us. But we're not. This board helps remind me I'm not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. You have a lot of love and want to be loved in return by that man. What's wrong with that?
AnnaBelle Rose
Me: 29 WH:31 DS: 22mths M: almost 6 years, together 7 1/2
I am not a mistake. - ABR
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Atena, this is not about the economy, you haven't even tried to find another job. And neither has Hope. This is about wanting to take an easier, softer route and enduring horrific suffering in the bargain. The reason you are in such a state this far away from the onset of plan B is only because you see him so often at work. I know that and I also know the hell you have to endure because of it.
The truth is that you cannot detach like this. You cannot ever experience any of the PEACE that comes from Plan B, Atena.
Atena, wouldn't it be horrible if every person who goes into plan B sees this thread and all the corner cutting and decides that they, too, IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MARRIAGE BUILDERS COUNSEL, can get away with a half assed Plan B? They will see this and not know about your suffering because they will see all the rationalizations and the justifications.
We will be handing a drowning person an ANVIL when they desperately need a life raft.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do understand that Atena has that option and yes she will feel better when she moves. I also read in almost every post Atena has wrote she says she will not move right now. My posting to her is not irresponsible. I understand this is a MB forum and my post is not cutting corners for her. Everyone here wants to see her thrive as all the others on this board. Yes, staying in contact in Plan B is not only cutting corners, it is not even Plan B. It is your own plan that has nothing to do with Marriage Builders. Perhaps Plan S for suffering. And I don't believe you want to see her "thrive" at all. What you said only encouraqes her to stay in a quasi Plan B in which YOU KNOW SHE IS SUFFERING. (Editing)
Last edited by MBHarmony; 04/24/10 09:27 AM. Reason: Editing out quoted comment
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I still have to thank Hope for her post because life is not perfect and plan Bs are not perfect. We all have to deal with the reality of the economic crisis, of job scarsity and of not being 20 any longer and being drained of energy.
My H is horrible but he is no worse than the ones I read about on this board.
I have gone thru a lot with him but I have been a doormat for so long...
I now feel that with the possibility of a better job and with my graduate degree under my belt, and with 180 days off a year I can keep the job I have and manage the best I can.
Melody, I know you care a lot about me and that you heard my desperation many times.
I know why I am desperate, it is because I still hope to hold my H in my arms again one day. I have to let go of that once and for good. Once I let him go I will be free.
I just puzzles me how I can still feel for a man like him. It just drives me crazy becasue there is absolutely no logic to it.
I would utterly HATE any other individual who would have treated me half as bad as H did. Yet, I still love H. And would take him back. SCARY but true.
There is somethng majorly wrong with me...
blessing God made us all different but perfect for each of us. Nothing is wrong with you because you love. Blessings and 
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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You are totally right. I am not doing plan B correctly, it is a half baked version. But Melody, you can't deny that many others break plan B on this board for many reasons. They decide to answer a text message from WS or they decide to let WS in their home or they decide to contact WS because they miss him/her.
We do not want to give the impression that the way I do plan B is the right way. It is not the right way at all. I will start looking for another job but in the meantime I have to make do with what I have and I do need a salary.
People who come to this board for advice also want to see realistic goals. I can't say that I will find a job tomorrow because I would be lying...
I can start looking, that's true.
blessing
atena
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[quote=hope3343]
(Editing) (Editing)
Last edited by MBHarmony; 04/24/10 09:30 AM. Reason: Please notify a moderator when you have a concern or question
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I can start looking, that's true.
blessing Do you promise? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote=MelodyLane][quote=hope3343]
(Editing) Please do not talk to me again. Thank you.
Last edited by MBHarmony; 04/24/10 09:33 AM. Reason: removing quote
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote=hope3343][quote=MelodyLane][quote=hope3343]
(Editing) Whatever. I will pray for you.
Last edited by MBHarmony; 04/24/10 09:35 AM. Reason: removing quote
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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You are totally right. I am not doing plan B correctly, it is a half baked version. But Melody, you can't deny that many others break plan B on this board for many reasons. They decide to answer a text message from WS or they decide to let WS in their home or they decide to contact WS because they miss him/her.
We do not want to give the impression that the way I do plan B is the right way. It is not the right way at all. I will start looking for another job but in the meantime I have to make do with what I have and I do need a salary.
People who come to this board for advice also want to see realistic goals. I can't say that I will find a job tomorrow because I would be lying...
I can start looking, that's true.
blessing Atena, have you checked to see if you can transfer your masters program to another college and have them accept your credits? Don't know how specialized your field of expertise is but colleges are getting more transfer students because of people moving because of the economy and have made it easier to accomodate these students.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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my program is totally on line. I will be done soon with it and will need that degree to seek another job.
I will start looking, yes. I will because I know that will help my situation immensely,but I also know that I will be fooling myself if I thought that someone will hand me the same position I might be getting in the fall on a gold platter.
But you never know...if god does not want me where I am now...god will find that gold platter.
The only thing is...if I move away would I still have a chance to R my M?
Out of sight will be totally out of mind for my H. I actually think he is pretty much over me 1000%....
Hope, are you still hoping to get back with your H even now that you are D? You say he looks bad. Why? Is he unhappy with OW?
blessing
atena
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my program is totally on line. I will be done soon with it and will need that degree to seek another job.
I will start looking, yes. I will because I know that will help my situation immensely,but I also know that I will be fooling myself if I thought that someone will hand me the same position I might be getting in the fall on a gold platter.
But you never know...if god does not want me where I am now...god will find that gold platter. It is a huge plus that your program is online. That is a major hurdle that you do not have to deal with. You might surprise yourself what type of job you can find when you look. God does have a plan for each of us. The only thing is...if I move away would I still have a chance to R my M?
Out of sight will be totally out of mind for my H. I actually think he is pretty much over me 1000%....
Hope, are you still hoping to get back with your H even now that you are D? You say he looks bad. Why? Is he unhappy with OW?
blessing As long as WH is with OW he will stay in that fog till they will statistically implode. It won't matter if you live next door to him or live in Siberia. He is "over you" because that is the only way he can convince himself in his wayward mind that he is doing the right thing. Right now my H is an alien. He even walks different (think it is the weight). On top of the addiction to OW he is drinking (was dry 15 years). Don't want that man. If XH emerges out of the fog the front light is still on. It would have to be a MB M at that point or none at all. I read somewhere on this board that the OW wanted what the BS had from their H -- a good manager, successful career, good husband and father. When they started their A -- the OW got none of those things. She got what she was -- a liar and cheat. take care
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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I read somewhere on this board that the OW wanted what the BS had from their H -- a good manager, successful career, good husband and father. When they started their A -- the OW got none of those things. She got what she was -- a liar and cheat. Yep, well said!!! He is "over you" because that is the only way he can convince himself in his wayward mind that he is doing the right thing. I never thought of it this way...I always thought that he was over me because he is head over hill in love with her. blessing
atena
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]He is "over you" because that is the only way he can convince himself in his wayward mind that he is doing the right thing. I never thought of it this way...I always thought that he was over me because he is head over hill in love with her. blessing Anger covers guilt, Entitlement covers pain caused to the family and so on. We are standing in the way of their perfect life and true love. Once we are removed from that equation then the only place to put their blame eventually is on each other. These relationships are built on a foundation of sand and their house of cards is built on lies and deception. One day it will crumble. We can't make it happen and only when we truly detach it will be their own demise.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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my program is totally on line. I will be done soon with it and will need that degree to seek another job.
I will start looking, yes. I will because I know that will help my situation immensely,but I also know that I will be fooling myself if I thought that someone will hand me the same position I might be getting in the fall on a gold platter.
But you never know...if god does not want me where I am now...god will find that gold platter.
The only thing is...if I move away would I still have a chance to R my M?
Out of sight will be totally out of mind for my H. I actually think he is pretty much over me 1000%.... Well, how has being in his sight helped you? All it has done is cripple you emotionally. He may well be over you; but the important thing is that you are over him as he is. You might get a much better position, Atena. You won't know unless you look. And even if you got something that paid less, it would be worth it because you would not have to SUFFER from seeing your husband every day. The farther away you can get, the better. Think how much more wonderful your life would be if you could get away from his daily presence?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It would be for sure. I would be another person. I would still have my friends and the support. I will start looking as soon as I have my degree, but I have already checked some postings. I guess more will open up in June and July.
blessing
atena
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It would be for sure. I would be another person. I would still have my friends and the support. I will start looking as soon as I have my degree, but I have already checked some postings. I guess more will open up in June and July.
blessing
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Anger covers guilt, Entitlement covers pain caused to the family and so on. We are standing in the way of their perfect life and true love. Once we are removed from that equation then the only place to put their blame eventually is on each other. So right! however they seem to be able to blame us for a long time. Boy, I am seen as a witch by him...the exposure thing really got to him. He really thought I was going to be a doormat forever. He will have lots of years to blame me for that. These relationships are built on a foundation of sand and their house of cards is built on lies and deception. One day it will crumble. We can't make it happen and only when we truly detach it will be their own demise. That' right. And I guess they can almost sense that. I have been told by many people that once they let go and not cared anymore, very often WS tried to R, even the ones that were horrible and far gone in the fog. Strange indeed. blessing
atena
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Anger covers guilt, Entitlement covers pain caused to the family and so on. We are standing in the way of their perfect life and true love. Once we are removed from that equation then the only place to put their blame eventually is on each other. So right! however they seem to be able to blame us for a long time. Boy, I am seen as a witch by him...the exposure thing really got to him. He really thought I was going to be a doormat forever. He will have lots of years to blame me for that. They are waywards and that is what they do. There is no accountability that is why it is so important to take care of yourself. I used to look for traces of my old H but it was like looking into a cesspool. They will rewrite the whole M and turn themselves into the "victim". It is very typical. Look at some of the successful M after A. The WS won't blame you -- in the end he will thank youThese relationships are built on a foundation of sand and their house of cards is built on lies and deception. One day it will crumble. We can't make it happen and only when we truly detach it will be their own demise. That' right. And I guess they can almost sense that. I have been told by many people that once they let go and not cared anymore, very often WS tried to R, even the ones that were horrible and far gone in the fog. Strange indeed. blessing
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
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Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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