Well...after some digging, from December to February it might have been her, but I now doubt it. She passed away at the end of February. So if it was her, it's not her now.

Something that I have noticed and so has my mom, how would an OW be OK with the fact that if he is not working, he is coming to the kids games, and coming to see the kids. So, this leaves very limited to no time with OW. Last Sunday when it was rainy and he could have been spending the day with OW, he took the kids up to his parents. Now, granted, he was going up there to get something he needed for his business, but he stayed the entire day up there. Also, he finished up some of his yard work, called us around 9:00pm and was heading up to take the stuff back to his parents. How would an OW actually deal with him working or being with the kids ALL the time and no time for her? I know I am analyzing and probably shouldn't, but things that he is doing and saying just don't add up and it is bugging me. My mom & dad (which, when he says things,you listen because he doesn't express his thoughts and opinions much at all) both have made these comments.

Just needed to write and express my thoughts. I know I should probably not even let these thoughts pass through my head, but I can't figure out how to not be thinking about him, what is going on, and everything else. How do you continue living your life and not keep thinking about things.

Are you going to go into Plan B?

Yes...at some point soon. Now that student teaching is over, I can finish finding out OW and expose that end to finish this part. My mom is out of town for the next two weeks, but her friend is helping us with this part also.

I am tired for you. PFM2, I hope you are still taking good care of yourself. This has GOT to be ROUGH.

Thanks...Going up to MIL's house tomorrow. Need to get away from everything and while it seems odd to be going to his parent's house to get away, just trying to keep that relationship there.

OK...need some advice. WH has all of a sudden started asking about if we need money. WH asked about how much the kids sporting activities cost. He has asked this several times over the last couple of days. I am not sure the best way to respond as I am not sure what his purpose is in doing this. On one hand, I have the fear that he is planning to actually start pursuing D, but on the other, I wonder if he is trying to meet an EN that he has or he thinks I have. Either way, I am not sure the best way that I should respond when he asks.

Tonight when he asked, I simply stated that it is the beginning of the month and we are OK right now. It is usually towards the end of the month when things can get tight. Why is he asking about this now when I have more time to work now that student teaching is over and when I was working my a@% off while student teaching, he didn't ask at all????? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! He makes me want to scream. If this is his way of trying to take care of us for a positive, I want to let him do that. If it is trying to make himself look good if he is going for a D, my snotty side wants to tell him to "stick it where the sun don't shine!"

OK...now that I have finished ranting, suggestions of how to handle this would be much appreciated. I have come too far to do something stupid.

Pick a nice round # to ask him for, and just let him know that you'll need it later in the month.

It really doesn't matter in the long run why he's doing this. Every dollar you get your hands on is one more dollar that cannot possibly fund the A. That's a good thing.

Also, no matter his motive, if you accept it with sweet and admiring thanks, you'll be meeting some EN's yourself, and letting him feel like the successful hunter/gatherer that he is currently not. That's ok - encourage those feelings of providing all you can while in Plan A.

I really admire how methodical you're being. You've really gotten a good hold on your emotions, and are just taking this one step at a time.

How many more days on the teaching countdown? I know we're getting pretty close to the end.

Student teaching is over. Just finishing up the paperwork that has to be submitted to finish and get my grade in the class.

OK...where do I go after what happened tonight? WH came over to stay with DS and DD while I went to work. I got home around 6:30pm which is about a half hour before someone has to leave to take DD to her dance class. DS decided that he did not want to go, but would not give me a reason even though WH was going to play catch with DS while the class was going on.

When DD and WH got home, he was preparing to leave and DD was holding onto WH's shirt saying don't go, I don't want you to leave, etc., etc., etc. WH tried to pull away but was not forcing the issue. After several minutes of this going on, I went up to DD, took her hands off WH's shirt, and tried to lead her away while WH left. She totally broke down crying and throwing a fit. I wrapped my arms around her and we went down to the ground. Without knowing it, WH was standing behind us watching what was going on. DD laid on the floor crying and I started crying with her. I finally got her to crawl on my lap and we just held each other crying. DS got up from where he was sitting (and crying I noticed as he walked by and tried to head upstairs). I tried to grab DS's hand and stop him, but he just went upstairs upset and said he was going to go get his PJ's on.

The whole time, WH was standing behind us watching this whole mess go on. After a little bit, I was able to get DD to go upstairs and get her PJ's on. WH took this opportunity to say a quick goodbye and couldn't get out of the house fast enough. It took a little bit before WH pulled away from the house though.

Went upstairs with DD and DS to check on them and try to get refocused on finishing homework. DS tried to walk by me again to head downstairs and I stopped him. He told me that this was why he did not want to go with WH because he knew he was just going to walk out again when the evening was over. After I got DD in PJ's and in bed, went downstairs and DS asked me if parents got divorced, could they ever get back together or was it not legal for that to happen. Of course, I responded that two people could get back together if they wanted.

My question is...do I do anything or say anything to WH at this point to try and smooth the situation over. The mean and nasty side of me wants to say, "See what you have done to OUR CHILDREN and me! Does OW really make you happy enough to do this to OUR FAMILY! Stay away if you don't want to be a part of the family because OUR KIDS (and I) can't handle much more of this!" I know that is not the proper way to respond if I want to fix/heal my marriage. What should I do to or for WH if anything?????

I had told him about these melt downs before, but this was the first one he had ever seen.

I would neither do or say anything to him about it.

It was what it was......the reality of the suffering of the family.

You didn't lash out at him, he merely got to witness it.

my 2cents

ITA with reading. He got a little dose of reality and that is all that matters. You didn't love bust or anything either.

Ditto from me.

That alone wasn't enough to bring the A to a screeching halt, but it put another dent in the fantasy. Anything you say to bring it up again will lessen the power of what he saw.

It will still be hard for the kids in PB, of course, however they will also benefit from being on a schedule and knowing what's going to happen each day.

That was SO CUTE about is it legal to get back together?

Thanks. I just didn't want to do anything that would change the effect either positive or negative to what happened last night.

DS has always been wiser than his years and asked mind puzzling questions.

How do you deal with family and friends who are completely against trying to heal/fix a marriage that was affected by an affair? My mom was talking to me last night and then one other time before where she was telling me that if I would choose to go back with WH, that no one in the family would be supportive of the M. She said everyone would be there for the kids and me, but that WH would not be welcomed anywhere with anything to do with the family.

I guess one of the questions that I finally thought of after a very sleepless night to ask her was, "Would she disown me if the roles in our M problems were reversed?" How do you deal with this? I can understand how mad, angry, upset everyone is, but they aren't living this situation. I am really mad that my family would not welcome my family into things and would be OK with having no real contact or relationship with us. Yes...WH screwed up royally. Yes...trust will have to be rebuilt between the two of us (and the kids). Yes...everyone has the right to be angry. No...they are not living this h@%%. No...they cannot relate to what's going on.

Everyone keeps saying that they would kick WH (or WW whichever the situation) out and go on with life. I had felt that way before I started living this horrible nightmare. Do I know that I can trust WH ever again? Do I know that WH would never do this again? No, of course I don't. How do I know if I was to ever move on and find someone else that they wouldn't do the same thing to me, too!!

I would love advice of things to say, questions to ask, things to do to deal with my mom and my family. I don't personally know that all my family feel this way, but no matter what happens, I LOSE!! I lose one family or another. They can't understand what I am going through. How do you make the choice?

OK...open to advice. Ears opening and ready to listen and hear what everyone has to say.

Don't stress it too much right now. They may think so, but they don't actually know what they would do if they were presented with a truly repentant WH, determined to make things right with everyone he hurt.

To give a family reconciliation the best chance of occurring, you may want to put a family apology in the list of conditions for accepting him back.

You're more likely to be able to have a FWH and your family too, but even in a worst-case scenario you just need to lovingly and firmly tell them that you are committed to your M and family, you hope they will support you in that. Then if they don't, distance yourself from them as much as you need to.

That's all down the road, if when you're trying to R with a FWH and they still aren't supporting you.

For now, say nothing and allow them to have their feelings. Smile to yourself, knowing they may be in for a big surprise.

Thank you! That's what I needed to hear. I am going to see the C today (it has been a few weeks because things were so stressful until student teaching ended) and I just am not really sure about what to talk with her about. I won't address the family issue at this point. I will probably address the issue of feeling caught in the middle of everything, the kids melt down in front of WH, and stuff like that. What is really hard is trying to enjoy something that I succeeded at while going through this mess in my life right now. Almost finished with the paperwork so I can put the closing touches on that endevor and try to find an actual job!!

OK...school is ending soon and I have told my family that I was going to tell the kids about WH's A. My DD is 7 and DS is 12. What do I tell them? How do I tell them? Do I tell WH? I am very nervous, scared, upset, etc. about having to do this, what to tell them, and things like that. Advice and help deeply needed!!

Tell WH after. Don't give him the chance to flip his lid first.

"Children, I want to make sure you know it's not your fault that Daddy left. He has a girlfriend, even though we're still married. It's not ok for married people to have boyfriends or girlfriends.

I want for Daddy and me to stay married, and am doing everything I can to make that work. It's going to be hard for all of us, but I want you to know you can count on me to do my very best.

I love you guys!"

Then let them ask questions and answer them the best they can.

Listen carefully to what they say. They may have met OW before, unknowingly, and have some helpful info for you.

You've had a couple days to rest after your student teaching. Are you ready to finish busting this thing wide open?

I want to bust it open and am trying to do what I know I can. How else do I go about getting this all out in the open? I have done everything that I know to try and find out who this person is. I did something, that I am shocked about me actually doing, and had an email that I forwarded to myself from a while back where he was talking with another woman. He had told me that it was just an on-line relationship and they had never met in person. In the email he told her that he was happily married and that he did not want out of the marriage.

I emailed this woman (& looked her up on-line and found a picture of her) and asked her what he had told her during their A. Don't know that she will respond to me, but she may let WH know that I did this if they are still in contact.