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schtoop #2360481 04/23/10 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted By: schtoop
Saying that you "don't approve" of said friend is a giant lovebuster and can only be viewed by your spouse as being "controlling".


I believe that any attempt by me to voice my opinion of her actions will be percieved as controlling and thus a LB. I think for now I will put my opinion of her BF in my back pocket until the alien comes screaming out of WW's stomache.

Thank you schtoop for your perspective.

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Expect the absolute worst form of insensitivity from your WW while she's in this mindset. She will say and do things which will cut to the bone.

Expect such things.

Have you heard of the 180? It's a set of behavior to follow when dealing with a wayward.

It's very helpful. Some folks on MB don't like it, but I used it and saw immediate results.

The thing to keep in mind with a WW is that you should always expect the worst. She will behave like a stubborn child and will do things with no regards or care towards you. You're an obstacle to her happiness, which is how she sees you.

Draw back a little. Carry on with your life as if nothing was wrong. Don't show your pain. You become more of a mystery to her that way.

Good luck and stay strong for your kids. THAT is the most important thing you can do right now.

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Quote:
The thing to keep in mind with a WW is that you should always expect the worst. She will behave like a stubborn child and will do things with no regards or care towards you. You're an obstacle to her happiness, which is how she sees you.

Totally right on the dot. Yes, they become heartless and yes you are the obstacle to her hapiness. Obsolutely the case.

Do not give her the satisfaction to see you suffer.
When I exposed I vented to the people who I exposed to. Wrong. Never do that. Just state the facts. See, now they are telling WH how devastated I am and that does not make me look good.
Vent on the MB foum
blessing


atena
atena #2360858 04/23/10 09:39 PM
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Ok, so I really need to vent right now!!

Come home, make dinner, play Wii with NW5, do dishes, take NW5 to bed. Done with bed and WW is in bed watching tv and doing a crossword. I may as well not exist in her world. She doesn't even say your welcome. I say thank you when she takes the dinner plate that I made for her from my hand because it was heavy. NW5 had to remind her of her manners. Thank you NW5, your welcome daddy. Yep...

Why is it my fault? What did I do to her to get treated like this? What really gets under my skin right now is her sense of entitlement. Even after the A is exposed, it's still my fault and I owe her something?! And she's mad at ME?! For what? CARING?!?!?!?! What is wrong with this picture?

She is Leaving......no matter what comes of all the lawyer bs, NW5 will be w/o his mother and father......since when did this become acceptable in our culture......since when is it ok for a spouse to be able to ruin a family and walk away with custody and child support to boot.....tomorrow she's going to see her "best friend" for a few days to get a break from what? REALITY!!!! I just can't fathom the utter disreguard for others.. WTF?????

I've been reading and learning. One of the ways that helps me cope is understanding where WW mind is at (thank you forum). But right now that's pissing me off. Why should I be understanding after all this?

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm confusing hope with expectation......maybe by understanding I think that I will be able to "fix" it.....maybe I'm thinking too much...

I feel better now. I know it's not my fault and I think deep down she knows that too. I don't know, maybe not...does it even matter what she thinks?

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Please forgive me if I have missed it. Your thread has jumped ahead several pages since I was last on MB. Have you exposed to the OMW yet?

Sorry for not keeping up!

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No, I'm still trying to figure that out. I thought that I had her on FB, not my OMW though. The PI gave me alot to work with. I know that OMW is crucial. I plan on doing some good open source intel over the weekend.

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I went back and re-read SoL's thread where he talked about Why he's still trying. That post really spoke to me.

It's just been really frustraing for me lately. SoL has been doing this since September, surely I can keep it up until WW moves out in a few weeks.

I think tomorrow night NW5 and I are going to camp out in the livingroom, make popcorn and fall asleep to finding Nemo. I've always liked that movie...

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What is the 180? I haven't heard of it.

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Originally Posted By: standingfast
What is the 180? I haven't heard of it.


It is from another forum and NOT the MB way.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I took it to mean reverse babble or just changing the subject. Example:

WW: I can't believe that you did this to me. (refering to exposing A to her familiy)
NW: I was going to say the same thing to you. (refering to her affair)

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Originally Posted By: now_what
I went back and re-read SoL's thread where he talked about Why he's still trying. That post really spoke to me.

It's just been really frustraing for me lately. SoL has been doing this since September, surely I can keep it up until WW moves out in a few weeks.


I had a friend tell me while I was in Plan A(and totally wanted to just give up) that maybe when I am feeling OKAY about what I am doing that I should write a list of the reasons that I wanted to save my marriage. Then I could look at it when I was feeling like giving up. I currently stick to the MB methods because if I gave up now, then what was the last 6 months for anyways?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Thanks for replying NW.

Yes, it would be great if you could contact the OMW as soon as possible. Quite often the OM is more than content being a cake eater and never intends leaving his BW. That is when the light of the day will hit their affair. I feel so sorry for the BW too, but she needs to know what type of man she is married to.
There is only one way to save your marriage NW and that is to get the OM out of it.

Have you thought that your WW may actually be planning on spending time with him this weekend? You mentioned the BF is an enabler and that is what enablers do! Do you still have the ability to track her etc? I would be doing that this weekend.
Calling the BF will do you no good; sadly she will lie to you too.

I'm glad you have your darling son to spend time with and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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Yea, I made the list of my reasons and it really helps me keep my sanity sometimes. I believe my reasons are valid and I would probably do anything to see them come to life. Sometimes I just want to scream though. I can't remember ever having an angry outburst, it seems I struggle not to have one daily now.

I like you perspective on the past 6 months. I think it would apply if I said the length of the M, 5 yrs.

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Originally Posted By: Nomdeplume
Have you thought that your WW may actually be planning on spending time with him this weekend? You mentioned the BF is an enabler and that is what enablers do! Do you still have the ability to track her etc? I would be doing that this weekend.


Yes, I have certainly thought about that. I'm only using the GPS though. I'm freaking out of AAA batteries for the VAR. oh well, I've heard enough really.

If I know she's with OM, I will be extremely tempted to let her know that I know. I think I can do it w/o giving up my secrets. I wouldn't tell her to stop, just something to let her know. What do you think?

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Oh, if she is with the OM and you find out in time, I would look up the OM's wife and invite her along to confront them.

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Looks like WW is going where she said she was.

I'm thinking of texing WW's best friend this:
If WW wanted to jump off a bridge because it would make her happy, would you support her?

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I just feel like I should do something. I'm sure I won't get the response that I would hope for....

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NW-

Sometimes I have found that doing nothing, is the best thing to do. It's kind of like a paramedic or doctor's creed- "Cause no furhter harm". Now I am not saying you shouldn't do anything.

I guess the only point I'm trying to make right now is that I now really try to think every 'next move'. If I am not very sure it is the right thing to do or if I still feel very conflicted, I do nothing. I post on here and ask for other's opinions before I act.

I LOVE believer's idea about confronting them together with OMW!

If in doubt, revert back to your plan....Meet ENs, no LBs.


-SOL
_SOL #2361146 04/24/10 01:06 PM
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WW texed me to let me know NW5's results from his doctor's appointment. So we exchanged a couple of texts. Please let me know what you think.


NW: I'm glad you went to see BF. I hope you are able to relax and have fun.

WW: Are you really? I'm very happy to be seeing her.

NW: Of course! You hardly get to see her like this. I know how important it is to be able to talk to someone who understands you. I'm just happy to be here to help. I have never wanted to hurt you as crazy as that sounds.

WW: Well you did and I never wanted to hurt you either.

NW: Well you hurt me alot too, and I can get past that. I would like it if you can explain to me how your actions haven't/won't hurt NW5 and others.

WW: I never said it wouldn't, but it's also not healthy for NW5 to see his mother in a marriage that makes her completely unhappy.

NW: This is how I undestood what you just said: You think that your happiness is more important to NW5 than the pain that will be caused by all this.

WW: That's not what I meant. I'm done texting.

NW: Ok, enjoy your weekend sweetie.


I didn't really want to engage WW in relationship talks but I also want her to know that I'm not drinking her Kool-Aid. I'm so tired of hearing about her happiness. I really love the quote that was on the notable quotes thread I saw yesterday.

"The chief cause of failure and unhappines is trading what you want most for what you want right now".

Last edited by now_what; 04/24/10 01:11 PM.
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Originally Posted By: now_what
WW texed me to let me know NW5's results from his doctor's appointment. So we exchanged a couple of texts. Please let me know what you think.


NW: I'm glad you went to see BF. I hope you are able to relax and have fun.

WW: Are you really? I'm very happy to be seeing her.

NW: Of course! You hardly get to see her like this. I know how important it is to be able to talk to someone who understands you. I'm just happy to be here to help. I have never wanted to hurt you as crazy as that sounds.

WW: Well you did and I never wanted to hurt you either.

NW: Well you hurt me alot too, and I can get past that. I would like it if you can explain to me how your actions haven't/won't hurt NW5 and others.

WW: I never said it wouldn't, but it's also not healthy for NW5 to see his mother in a marriage that makes her completely unhappy.

NW: This is how I undestood what you just said: You think that your happiness is more important to NW5 than the pain that will be caused by all this.

WW: That's not what I meant. I'm done texting.

NW: Ok, enjoy your weekend sweetie.


I didn't really want to engage WW in relationship talks but I also want her to know that I'm not drinking her Kool-Aid. I'm so tired of hearing about her happiness. I really love the quote that was on the notable quotes thread I saw yesterday.

"The chief cause of failure and unhappines is trading what you want most for what you want right now".


I would avoid most of the relationship talk. When she says NW5 shouldn't see his mother in an unhappy marriage, you should say, I agree, I will do everything it takes to make sure that we build a happy marriage going forward.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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