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Sorry .... didn't mean to scare anyone off. Maybe I gave u TMI:)


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Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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Well, that was quite a story. Congratulations on finally getting married and raising your son.

Telling him sex was awful for you probably didn't make him feel good.

I'm still thinking there could be an affair. Maybe he didn't catch himself in time.

One problem I see is that you were promiscuous and don't enjoy sex. Does that mean you never enjoy it?

Also what is it that you always argue about?

How much money to you spend on non-essentials every week?

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1st off to correct we have a 22yr old beautiful Daughter

to answer your questions:

Telling him the way I did about the sex was IMO
the worst thing I have ever done to us. I wish I could take it back.

No amount of apologising is going to change what I did & how it hurt him.

Yes I can enjoy sex if I am in the right state of mind & I have that bond/connection
@ that moment.

Noises, pets , phone , voices etc quickly kills the mood.

I have banished a lot out of the bedroom for this reason.
Still did not have the sex drive. Finally figured out I was missing
the connection to him a lot of the time. started paying more attention
& figured out if he puts the time in convo & A I'm able to enjoy more.

Usually a innocennt convo turns into a arguement. Examples
mostly about me wanting to buy something. Or him saying neg things about
my family, our D ,friends So I feel like I have to defend them.Tell him how I feel about a current issue or past issue
it's the guilt trip that he cannot do anything right, everything is his fault,
he's a awful husband. Twice now in the last week he has has stated he thinks I have someone waiting in the wings.
(Which I do not BTW.) All I want him for is security, his paycheck etc etc.

Example of why I feel like I have to defend : When our D setup the zoo trip, H said it was for her own selfish reasons.
She was meddling where it did not belong etc etc etc. Yes in this case I felt I had to defend our D
for trying to get us to work on our relationship.

We have really tried to not put her in the middle of trying to defend either one of us to the other. up until that nite
I have not talked to her about anything that was transpiring. That particular
nite she pried ot of me what was bothering me & I told her I was done. Him & his Job could be happy together.

So she I talked for a couple of hours & she suggested the trip.I do not feel that it was for her own
selfish reasons.

More arguments follow :


Just the other night .... met up for some UA time , Examples

Friend that is a dog trainer told me she got another puppy & I was telling him
she was nuts she already has 6+ ( the reason I say this is these are very high energy dogs
she does not see them as pets/members of her family etc they are $$$/dogs to her).
So was telling him where she found the current one that she was going to buy & how
her husband does not even know about it yet.

Immediately his response was figures she's out spending his money on something
soon as he turns his back. And I'm like WTF ???? bit my tongue --- changed subject

Next subject


Let me 1st say this I was just dreaming I know we cannot
afford a new car have no intention of buying a new car right now.

And I was telling him that I had got on one those websites
that would submit a request to your local dealers to give you a quote.
Well it turned out the guy that responded back with a quote was his nephew lol
so I was saying how in the world am I going to blow this guy off he is family.

And he just went off saying how I am the one that gets every new car & he has
never gotten the truck he has always wanted.
And if a new vehicle is going to be bought it is going to be for him. And it will
be a truck.

I have always said if you want a truck buy one but it has to be used because there
is no point spending XX,XXX on a new truck when it would sit in the drive way 90%
of the time because he drives a company truck.

I drive my car everyday long trips etc. I have several XXX,XXX miles on it.

Anyway I did not rise to his going off , I just said there is no point in arguing
about it we cannot afford either one. I will e-mail Nephew tomorrow & blow him off
like I planned to. Convo after that was teeth pulling. One word answers.

The money I spend on non essentials is anywhere from $5.00 - $100.00 a week

I try to get his ok if it is more than $20.00/$25.00 always have .... but the issue
comes in when he feels like he is giving me my way or I'm going to do it wether he likes it or not.

He says he cannot say no to me & I take advantage of it because I know he will LET ME buy anything I want
within reason.Notice I said LET ME not that he buys me anything I want.So MC says he resents me for
not being able to tell me no.Don't know about that theory but it makes sense.

He does not consider me blowing money if it is for the most part for myself or him or for us together or our parents.

If it is on house, friends,family, b-day gifts,x-mas gifts other than what I stated above it is blowing money.

Let me say X-mas gifts are a battle every year & the $$$ spent.

As far as a affair I have point blank asked him over & over again , snooped, show up @ his job at odd times cannot find evidence. But I still wonder at times myself.







Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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Okay, so one thing you KNOW is a sore spot is money. Spending $100. a week on non-essentials is high. If you saved that money you could put a nice payment on a car or truck. And just curious why you are looking at dealers on line if you know you can't afford it?

When I'm in a saving mode, I don't even go to any stores or anywhere that I would be tempted.

I suggest you show him a big effort towards saving money. You should have a minimum of 6 months wages in savings for an emergency fund.

Are you having SF at all since you've been separated?

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Hi 8th.

I see that you are mentioning budget and money again as a major issue. I can only say what worked for me.

Come to an agreement first about what your values are: things like recreation, food, family, etc. Maybe rank them to help you get an idea of important or give them weights. Then translate those values into goals--what you want to do or buy and when. Then translate those to % of total budget and simply stick to it each month. Surely your h is game to that?

Without the values or goals, there's no real rationale for spending on this vs. that.

My experience is this. My w mentioned that budget is a super important thing and she can't return to the marriage unless that's solved. I didn't know crap about budget, so I read up on because that's something I need for myself too. We discussed the budget stuff I had found at a coffee "date" and even with my severely withdrawn and unloving w (you can read my story on the threads associated with my name), we were able to mostly agree on our values, have a rough idea of goals and %s that are reasonable. And we're 9 months into a post d-filing, were in court, etc. Nasty nasty stuff before. And even she thinks now that the budget thing is solvable. That's not to say we'll stay married or will d, but at least it's possible to see where one aspect of our marriage could be solved--budget--with some reasonable discussion.

Last edited by EverHopefulGuy; 04/24/10 09:14 PM.
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yes to the SF not as much as I would like to give thou.

friend bought a new vehicle, just was bored at work seeing what kind of awesome deal was out there that everyone is always taking about.

yes me also i cant go anywhere & tempt myself. Thats why I did it online.Thankfully we do not see nephew often to tempt me any furthur.

got my check made out for the dave ramsey finacial wizard seminar
so will be working towards the EF goal smile


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 233
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yes EHF it is that subject again. I've been really trying to be good & not P him off about $$$. But it seems like I can't even talk to him without it turning into something else. arrghhh !



Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 233
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BTW EHF you talking % is really over my head. lol

Also keep in mind your W is still hanging around for a reason. I don't think she is ready to jump ship just yet. IMHO


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Good for you! I'm sensing that financial stuff is a big EN for your husband. I would start making drastic changes.

At this point (if he is detached) you need to show him and not just talk.

As far as the other stuff, not speaking your truth, there is a good book called Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, It is available here on this site or on Amazon. It would be excellent for you to read. It will teach you to be a buyer in your marriage and not just a renter.

You probably feel that you are a buyer, but you are a renter. And the reason I know that is because you have a history of non-confrontation and not speaking your truth.

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You are absolutey right I do feel like I am the buyer in my M.
Funny how I'm very slowly reading this book & didn't think it applied to me just H.

Yes you are correct in saying I avoid confrontation like the plague !

I will start reading this with a more open mind to what I am doing not what H is doing.

Thank you again for pointing this out.


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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Quote
BTW EHF you talking % is really over my head. lol
Sorry. Here's an example. Let's say you make $10000 of after tax income per month. Your mortgage or rent is probably fixed, so let's say that's $2000/month, which is 20% of your total budget. Then you'd like to save for a trip to FIJI next year, so you've agreed to save 10% of your income each month for that, which is $1000. Then you have food, which is 10% because you like organics. That's another $1000. Then you want to have 10% for an emergency fund. That's $1000. Then you want to buy stocks at 8%, that's $800. You and h agree that recreation is important and you translate that to buying a jetski in 1 year, so you want to save 8% a month for that jetski. Which is $800/month. You get the idea. All of the %s add up to 100 and you and your h decide on the % you need to spend in each category. All the dollars add up to $10000. That's called zero-budgeting.

Last edited by EverHopefulGuy; 04/24/10 09:59 PM.
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ok still over my head but the examples really help a lot lol !!!

All I keep thinking about is what I'm not going to be able to do buy etc. No more scrapbooking, no manis no pedis, no vacays.
Is that my taker talking ??? I think so but not for sure.

I know I really need to do this for me & for us. So I will do it with the best attitude & forget about the crap I do not need.I need him not the scrapbooking, manis pedis etc.

I'm like a crash dieter thou I can only go without for so long & then I splurge !!!!! lol So another behavior I will need to work on. lol


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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And sometimes buying things fills a void when your needs aren't being met. Just accept that.

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I'm sure your right I do have a lot of crap around. Things I thought I could just not do without. Don't get me wrong everything has a purpose, newest tool to clean with, cook with the newest thing to make our life/jobs easier.

Clearance racks are my best friends.Time to find other best friends....


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 233
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Just wanted to add this is why he does not want to do a MB weekend.

A Cannot afford / without using a Credit card
( his exact words: this would be detrimental to our M right now )

B Doesn't want to spend $$$ = to nice vacay in MN lol

I have tabled the subject for now but he said he would think about it in a few months.

So that is my 1st exspense to start saving for to show him I am listening to what he wants/also what our marriage needs. But also committed to working on our M.

Hoping this is the right approach .... keeping my fingers & toes crossed.


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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That's it. Start a savings kitty for it. Try to get him to match you dollar for dollar.

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Thanks for the idea !!!! Going to ask him 1st chance I get!!!


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 233
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I keep reading about setting boundries, how do you do this ? And in what cases do you do this ? Is it too soon to set them ?

Will this not just push him away more ?

I have a turtle in shell attitude ( working on this )but will he see me as retreating/as repeating this behvior ? even if I tell him we can talk about this later ?

Kinda confused please explain ....


Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Joined: Mar 2010
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There's a few good threads on boundaries. Lemme see if I can find them.

And it is NEVER too soon to set boundaries. They are absolutely necessary.

I'll be back.

Post on Boundaries - From Pepperband's notable posts thread

Originally Posted by Pep's Notable Posts
A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.

Make sense?


ETA: Here's another post I read from LovingAnyway that describes Enforcing Boundries.

Originally Posted by LovingAnyway
You make a plan to enforce your boundaries, NL...and you stick with it. Doesn't stop him...stops you staying present for his verbal abuse.

And smirks aren't, btw. You need to stop your own DJs, too, in order for you to do boundary enforcements.

First, you look to your code...which has respect in it. (Let me know if it doesn't.) So your boundary is that you will not act from disrespect. If you do, then you will own what you said/did, why you said/did, and how and why you won't do it again.

Same for enforcing DJs from your H. You state what the DJ was...and that you don't do those anymore. If he continues, you state that he's continuing and that you need to remove yourself from the conversation for 20 minutes while you settle your reactive feelings (which you know you have). Then you'll return to continue.

If he continues, you remove yourself for two hours (take the kids if necessary), making sure you state what you're doing, why you're doing it and when you'll return.

When you return when you said you would, and he continues, then you remove for overnight. If it's name calling/yelling, your choice can also include calling the police on domestic violence. Just state the boundary enforcement from the beginning when you explain how you've disrespected him by staying present for verbal abuse and that you won't anymore.

And you won't do it, either.

That you commit to not distancing your heart, spirit or mind from the marriage...and that removing your presence was the way you were dishonoring the marriage, your part. And that's why you were getting down so much...not only that he wouldn't stop, that you wouldn't either...you wouldn't take your part, your power, to remove.

When you choose to act from respect because it's in YOUR code, then you will enforce your boundary. If you believe he can make you treat him disrespectfully, then you're not in your power...cannot do what is solely your responsibility to do...and makes him the bad guy, the monster, the one to fear and withdraw from...rather than focus on you and what you're up to when you are not enforcing your boundaries as part of your goal for a healthy, thriving marriage.

We are in part responsible for our own love banks, too...because we can make a lot of withdrawals and believe our spouse alone did it...we do it with our own DJs, our own justifications and we do not protect it. Feelings follow actions. When we act from love and respect, those are the feelings that will follow.

It's amazing how much loss of loving feelings we have when we focus on getting another person to stop hurting us...when by staying present for the hurt, we are doing grievous harm ourselves.

LA
does that help?

Last edited by Vibrissa; 04/26/10 01:04 PM. Reason: Respect my google-fu! x2

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As the world turns again ...... So setup boundary where I not going to take his DJ's anymore.
It wasn't 20 mins into the converstation & he let one fly. In the most cheerful voice I could muster
stated I was not going to tolerate it the conversation was over & I loved him & I would see him later.
We had dinner plans made he came over I cooked dinner yadayada still pulling teeth with converstation but better.

So anyway after dinner I could tell he was tired so lets get the show on the rode with SF.

Some may what to cover their eyes for this part.

We where in the middle of things & I could tell he was rushing/not taking his time whatever you want to call it.
I was not quite there but enough he wanted to stop the foreplay & have intercourse. Ok , (things have gotten better
since my AO in telling him how awful the sex was so he usually will satify me in other ways ) so anyway we proceed
& he finishes. Snuggles up to me & falls asleep. No honey are you satisfied , no sorry I will make up to you next time.
In my more selfish moments I would grabbed a toy & finished my self off. But he was kinda laying on me making the drawer
a very far reach.

While he is snoring I start crying, I just remember all of those times in our marriage where this was the norm. I can't help
it. Thinking he is a selfish lover & only cares about himself. ( instills my belief that this is a physical need not a emotional need)

He wakes up wanting to know why I am crying & I tell him I feel used. Not giving me a chance to explain what I mean by that.

Gets out bed ranting all the time , this is the last time this happens, your not going to pull me in again, nothng ever changes,
You say it can be better & then you pull this xyz. Your the one that pulled me into the bedroom & then claim you feel used.
Say he's done he cannot do this anymore. Storms out of the house.

We have an appt with our MC tomorrow night I do not know if he is even going to show. Or if I will. What is the point in all
of this ? We are making each other miserable.

Maybe sometimes love just ain't enough .........



Click to reveal.. (myinfo)
Me 38 / H 39 (Haha he is older than me!)
Known 24yrs / Married 18yrs
1 DD 23yrs
Too many D Days to count (King of Trickle Truth)
We both have agreed to 100% Commitment to Make this work or die trying !



My Story

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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