This afternoon I exposed the evidence for an ongoing A with our children. 17 y/o daughter cried, 19 y/o son put his arm around me as I cried. Both stated they will leave with me if plan B becomes necessary.

Who else have you exposed to?

Some notes on Exposure:

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Thanks, SoL! I was just reading this exposure advice on another thread. WW's parents and siblings, my parents, and our sister-in-law (WW's best friend in the family) are next.

SF,

I know how hard this had to have been. It was the right thing to do though. Your kids will not only be allies, they will also be a part of the healing process.

This necessary action will be viewed by your WW as a huge LB. She will react to it. Be prepared.

My wife and I spent 7-8 sessions with Steve Harley. They do a great job of presenting a planned path for you and your spouse.

sf, the VAR will be your best bet right now. My guess is they have a pre-paid cell phone they are communicating on and that is why she moved out of your bedroom.

You found the right place, welcome to MB.

RC is right. Brace yourself for the fallout when the kids talk to WW. You did the right thing though. They are old enough to understand and deserve the truth. Also, their disappointment may help influence your WW to re-think her actions and come out of the fog.

Thanks, SF! At this point I really need someone to tell me what to do. I don't know what is right and what is wrong.

SF, I would expand this to all your parents and other close family and friends. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. When you tell them the facts, ask them for their advice. Doing so seems to help gain their investment in your cause. The more people who speak to her, the more her bubble will burst.

Exposure is like bringing a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. No one likes getting high when everyone is watching! It destroys the fantasy when others are watching with disgust on their face.


Your kids need to express their feelings to your wife, SF. She needs to see and hear the consequences of her cruel, abusive behavior.

Dr. Harley describes the wonderful benefits of exposure here:

When Should An Affair Be Exposed?

Daughter talked to WW this afternoon. Told her some mis-information I hadn't included in our discussion. I learned about the mis-information when WW asked me if I thought she was going to move in with the OM. I asked her why she would think that, and she said our daughter told her I'd said it during our conversation. All 4 of us went to dinner together tonight (first time in quite awhile, it was our son's idea). I apologized to WW in the car on the ride to the restaurant, telling our children that I was sorry if they misunderstood what I said today. WW has taken it well. No explosions, civil conversation. We've talked more today than we have in a long time.

Our son outed the A to WW's sister before I had a chance to call. WW's sisters are getting together to talk it over and decide what they are going to do to support us. Son said his aunt told him they want us together and are going to support us through this. WW doesn't know yet.

I haven't told my parents. Both are elderly, dad has a pacemaker. I'm afraid news like this could be very detrimental to his health. WW's family knows, and they're the ones who will be able to influence her more than my parents. I'm OK wrt support. I have you wonderful people, my children, her family, our marriage counselor and minister. That's enough for now.

Thanks again for all your help. I couldn't have gotten this far without you.

You need to expose this affair in the most explosive way possible. It needs to be done as quickly as possible. Around here we call it nuclear. Please consider this. You won't regret it.

I don't understand what you mean. Thanks again for the direction.

What I mean is that you have to put together a list of ALL of your exposure targets. It should be done all in one day. You need to expose it far and wide. You need to expose to everybody who is able to put pressure on your WW. Anymore questions?

Not right now. Thanks, Scotty!

Hmmmmm calling me Scotty, you must have been around reading threads for a while

Good job!!! You are starting to follow the plan.

I'm amazed that your wife isn't angry. They almost always are.

SF,

You have done well today. I am sure you're glad it is coming to an end.

Try to remember that as long as there is any contact, the A hasn't officially ended. It also means there is little chance for your M to recover. That is why making sure that it ends is your first priority.

It is interesting that she did not react today, though I don't have a clue if it means anything. There is a reason you try to do the exposure as quickly as possible. Each one is a LB. Close together it will seem like one LB. Done over time it will seem more like lots of LB's.

You also need to make sure during this process that she sees you as the person she would want to stay with. She may not react the way you would like when you do something nice. Not to worry, she is noticing.

I hope tomorrow goes as well for you as today did.

SF, sounds like you are doing just great. The more people who speak to her, the better. Just be prepared for her to get angry about this. That is ok.

And I want to confirm that you are telling everyone the full truth, right? That she is having an affair and with whom?

SF,

One other thought, when people first get here there is a fear or shame to exposing their S. A better attitude to take is you are a husband trying to protect his marriage and family from an outside intruder that does not belong.

Exposure is the key to making this situation better, although it might not get better at first. It will probably be worse. Keep with it.

Expose at work if they work together by contacting the HR Director and letting them know.

Expose to the other BS. I really feel that is a moral obligation. A BS should know what is going on in their private life and have the dignity of making decisions about health (STD testing, using condoms) and about their life (D? going to MC?).

Expose to friends and family and neighbors. This puts the A into the light of day and they don't survive the scruitiny. They are a fantasy life.

I am sorry you have to be here, but if you, it is a great place to find support and information.

Thanks, everyone! Your help has been of more value to me than I can express. RC, I appreciate your words of wisdom, particularly about doing things for her she likes. She's always telling me to stop it, which should show me she's noticing. ? guilty conscience MelodyLane, I plan to speak to her sister this afternoon and give her the details our son may not have given. D&S, the other BS knows. I'm virtually certain we'll be hearing more from her, probably in front of a judge. What a mess!