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Since you are hiring a PI, I would wait till I have all my ducks in a row before I expose. You should know who she is. Usually PIs take no time in finding out..
Just wait now and take a deep breath. Make sure you find some quit time for yourself to be still. It is hard, but you must do it.
blessing
atena
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Posts: 680
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Just got everything squared with the PI....He can't start until Wednesday. My question is how should i respond with him while waiting. Should i try to get him to come home? The guy would rather get it in the car instead of on the car.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 12,357
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I guess I remember who he was when I first married him and I know how he was; I keep thinking that it;s still there. I just got a credit card from my parents and they are paying to PI...I'm paying them back as I can.
Should I begin exposing even though I don't know woman yet? Should I wait till that is found out? I'm having him followed today. Don't expose until you know who she is. You want exposure to occur all at once, which includes her side, and you can't do that until she's identified.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
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Posts: 680 |
Thanks,
I'm hoping to find things out quickly. It's hard to be patient. Should I continue to just be nice and matter of fact? Should I try to get him home? Just not sure...don't want to say something to him that would be wrong.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 101
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Higgs,
I don't have any additional advice but just wanted to say welcome and good luck. As you see, you are getting some wonderful help here. Many of the advice you'll be given seems counter intuitive in the beginning but just trust the folks here. After you get all of the info about OW and the A via the PI and other spying techniques, exposure will work wonders. Your WH's reponse may seem scary but I think the exposure will do a world of good. If you work the MB plan, the odds are that your WH will thank you in the long run for exposing. Good luck.
FWW me - 35, BH - 50, 5 kids total (blended fam)
Dday - 1/29/2010, Exposure & NC same day
Recovering slowly
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Joined: Apr 2010
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Thanks for the encouragement. I'm sure his response will be horrible when he finds out....I'm a little scared of the reaction.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 533
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I would suggest preparring a proper Plan A and try to get him home. It is easier to keep an eye on him and work on your marriage while he is at home. If he is away, he is going to continue the affair, you can't keep an eye on him, and you can't work on the marriage.
Continue reading the MB basics, try to find other ways of snooping, but do not confront him each time you find something. Take care of yourself because thinking of this Affair is consumming. Posting here is very helpful for you to collect yourself, and the vets have great advice.
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Higgs, when you say he is at the "lake", do you mean he is in a house that you two own? Or he is in an area near a lake?
Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Thanks,
I'm hoping to find things out quickly. It's hard to be patient. Should I continue to just be nice and matter of fact? Should I try to get him home? Just not sure...don't want to say something to him that would be wrong. Plan A right now. Be at your best, let him know that you love him and your M and you want to keep it intact. It's much easier to Plan A when the WS is at home. Let him know that the door to his home is open and you're waiting there for him.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
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Thanks,
I'm hoping to find things out quickly. It's hard to be patient. Should I continue to just be nice and matter of fact? Should I try to get him home? Just not sure...don't want to say something to him that would be wrong. I'm sorry you are having to wait, that's hard. Can you call another PI and see if one can get started sooner? Yes, Plan A him the best you can...you can ASK him to come home but do not beg...that will irritate him. Have you read up on Plan A? Do you know what this is? This is really important right now! Do not expose anything just yet...not until you find out her name and get proof of the A through the PI. Expect some SERIOUS ANGER...he is going to be royally pissed. This is NORMAL and EXPECTED. Remember this: your M can withstand his temporary anger, it cannot withstand an A. When he gets angry, calmly say "I'm sorry you are upset, I am trying to save our marriage". Do not defend yourself any more than that, don't get hysterical. State it calmly and walk away.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
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Not sure if anyone posted this for you but here is a link to Plan A
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
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Found out more just now.....went to have son's meds filled and it struck me to ask if any of my husband's meds were available for refill. It's a nail in the coffin for me. ONe med, I expected, it's for the herpes virus. He takes it for the same reasons I do, the other was lavitra....I had to ask what it was...and she said the same as viagra. You should have seen my face.....I bet it looked like a door hit it.
I'm keeping it to myself, but boy it's hard. Everytime i find something out; it's like a knife in the heart....such a deceptive thing.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 533
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And he think he is sooooo smart for keeping these things from you. Probably trying to "protect" you from being hurt.
Its tough when you stumble on so many lies, just put the evidence in a safe place, and don't dwell on it so you can Plan A. Be the best spouse ever! Save it for the exposure.
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Posts: 680
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Sent hubby an email saying that I loved him and the door was open for him to come home. PI said he would start tomorrow instead of Wednesday. That made me feel better. It's hard to wait.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Posts: 12,357 |
Sent hubby an email saying that I loved him and the door was open for him to come home. PI said he would start tomorrow instead of Wednesday. That made me feel better. It's hard to wait. You're doing great, higgs. Be his lighthouse. You can do this.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
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Posts: 680 |
Ok....I found her!!!!! They do work together at his school. I got to thinking about a friend i had follow him and she got the license plate of a woman he helped carry things out for....I looked into her, but nothing came up. Found out her address...near the mcdonalds and called ftd back and guess what??? They confirmed her as the recipeint...now what? I'm just dying...I have the address and everything. I'm thinking I don't need this pi...what cha think?
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 680
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Posts: 680 |
someone tell me what to do next.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Posts: 217
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Great job! Keep digging and save the evidence where he can't find it.
Check Facebook and see if she is married and who her friends are. That will help with exposure later.
When you expose, you can also tell the HR department at their school district.
Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
do I want to do that? I work for the same district. How will this effect my job? Should I tell his principal? Who do I contact first? Her? Why should I wait? I want to expose now...what else do I need to know?
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
She's not married, divored in 2007. I have her address, etc.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
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