|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,722
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,722 |
Higgs,
You did amazing! Don't get baited into a discussion and like Mel says- Do not appologize for exposure. You are a hero for your marriage. Some people won't understand. We do. Weather the storm and stay calm. It will get better.
-SOL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
I already know it's an affair...they may not have slept together, but he pursued, she announced their togetherness to her friends, and he's stayed at her house multiple times.
I get a lot of bad looks about the fb thing...I guess I'm such a people pleaser that it just killed me to do this. He definitely hates me.. ..says he'll be moving soon and a bunch of other things.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's just trying to scare you into backing off so he can continue his affair. You did very well with your exposure! His anger and the OW's panic are signs that your exposure did exactly what it was intended to do! 
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Here's a thread that may help you get the strength you need. It helped me. I had to read it a couple of times to get it to sink in. Art of war thread. Pepperband also quoted this for me and I wanted to pass it along. Force is the control of the balance of power, in accordance with advantages.
In Plan A ... the BS restores their power to affect change. Plan A gives the BS an advantage with their intimate knowledge of their spouse's ENs.
Warfare is the Way of deception.
Deception meaning .... showing more strength than you might possess at that given time ! Hiding your weaknesses. Plan A ... not begging, crying, pleading ... standing tall and presenting a self ready to battle & fight for the marriage.
Therefore, if able, appear unable,
Plan A ... let your WS provide you with things that save your energy for future need.
if active, appear not active,
When snooping about like a squirrel searching for seeds of the affair, appear calm & serene ... Plan A snooping is done quietly & without announcing >>> "Ah-Ha ... Look what I found !". Be stealth.
if near, appear far,
Plan A ... keep your WS guessing where you are.
if far, appear near.
What seems just out of reach is sometimes more attractive. What seems a sure thing, is taken for granted.
If they have advantage, entice them;
Offer the WS goodies ... as in meet their ENs.
if they are confused, take them,
Plan A is confusing to the WS. They would prefer the BS appear ugly & unattractive in order to justify their cheating. It is confusing for the WS to see an attractive BS.
if they are substantial, prepare for them,
Plan A ... get all your ducks lined up. Legal preparations. Financial preparations. Spiritual preparations. Etc.
if they are strong, avoid them,
Plan A is not plan doormat. They can wipe their feet elsewhere, but not on your back. Accepting abuse is not an attractive trait.
if they are angry, disturb them,
LOL .... this is precicely Orchid's "reverse babble" .... The WS speaks with foggy tongue, disturb them with O's reverse babble.
if they are humble, make them haughty,
If the WS is over-confident, they become sloppy & make errors.
if they are relaxed, toil them,
Keeping an affair going is exhausting to the WS. It's like a juggling act. Throw the WS another ball to keep in the air. The affair will fall when the juggler becomes exhausted by the added effort.
if they are united, separate them.
Do not become the fool that encourages both the WS and the OP to join forces. If you act insane during Plan A, they have a common enemy to fight ~~~> YOU !
Attack where they are not prepared, go out to where they do not expect.
Do the UNexpected in Plan A. Keep the WS guessing & wondering.
This specialized warfare leads to victory, and may not be transmitted beforehand.
Do not give away your plans.... do not show the WS your books. Do not invite the WS to this site. Stealth.
Before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will win, because many calculations were made
Plan ... you must have a Plan or you will suffer & be defeated.
before doing battle, in the temple one calculates and will not win, because few calculations were made
Don't waste time flailing about .... get organized & recruit helpers.
many calculations, victory, few calculations, no victory, then how much less so when no calculations
Do not proceed by your feelings alone. Develop your plan.
By means of these, I can observe them, beholding victory or defeat!
The BS who refuse to develop & follow a plan, are most likely to fail Sorry if this came from someone else, Pep didn't quote WHO so I am just passing it on as she quoted it  Have you read my thread? It is LONG but there is a lot of useful stuff in there. Hang in there, you are doing GREAT.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
Thanks for that. He is saying things like how can you walk around here so calm....I know this phsycology. and...why would you doing something like this make me want to come back to you?
What did that mean above about getting myself ready financially, spiritually, etc.?
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769 |
The thing here Higgs is that he is a WS, he will do and say things that will drive you nuts. Not only he is at fault for having an A. He is blaming you for being calm and wanting to save the M. You see what kind of logic he has? It takes guts to go thru plan A because you have to play nice with someone who should be really begging you to take him back ....but he is actually blaming you. The trick is to keep telling yourself: what am I feeling now? and feel it all the way and then ask yourself. Can I let it go? and answer yes or no, but no matter what the answer will be you will feel relief. And the relief still does not come ask yourself: am I trying to change the situation? if yes (and most likely it is yes) then ask: could I allow myself to let go of wanting to change it? and again, no matter what the answer will be you will feel some relief. Keep doing this as much as it is necessary. What did that mean above about getting myself ready financially, spiritually, etc.? From what I recall plan A only works 15% of the time. That means that either you H will not give up the A and will leave or that he will stay and put you thru a series of false R where he will pretend to give up OW but will not. They advice you do plan A for 6 weeks or up to 3 months at the max. Then for your own sanity you need to move to plan B. Thus it would be a good idea for you now to get your ducks in a row in terms of financial arrangements, support (spiritual or counseling or both) in case you need to go to plan B. blessing
atena
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
He then said, "Well, you're back in the driver's seat again higgs, that's what you wanted right?" "I tried to get you to read that book (I bought his needs her needs today) 18 years ago and you didn't do it." That's no reason to have an affair. I bought HNHN before we were even married and have been trying to involve Prisca in following the program with me ever since; many times she has straightforwardly turned me down. I still didn't think that gave me license to go commit adultery! ETA: higgs, I suggest you remove your firstname from your post, if that's your real name, to protect yourself.
Last edited by markos; 04/29/10 09:09 AM. Reason: preserve anonymity
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
So I should only do this for awhile? How will I know when to go to plan b? It's depressing to think all of this may not work. How will I continue my snooping? He's so aware right now?
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928 |
What did that mean above about getting myself ready financially, spiritually, etc.? It means to take care of yourself. Hope(and plan and work!) for the best, but prepare for the worst. Do things to make yourself feel better...bubble bath, pedicure, new clothes..whatever. At the same time, protect your finances so that he doesn't wipe out your accounts and leave you broke, if worst comes to worst. In Plan B, you will no longer be snooping. You will live as if he does not exist, other than to make necessary arrangements for finances or child visitation through an intermediary. Your intermediary should only convey necessary information and NO PERSONAL information between you. This is so that he no longer gets any needs met by you and to force the OW to meet ALL his needs, which she can't possibly do.
Last edited by Lady_Clueless; 04/29/10 11:00 AM.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
So I should only do this for awhile? How will I know when to go to plan b? You go to plan B when continuing plan A hurts you so much that you will lose your love for your spouse. Dr. Harley says if he doesn't know someone well, he doesn't advise Plan A for longer than 3-4 weeks for a woman, 6 months for a man. He says some people can go longer with adequate support. Plan B is to protect your health, your sanity, and your love for your husband or wife. I think you should start preparing for Plan B immediately; so many people wait until they need to enter Plan B to even start planning it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 126
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 126 |
Keep doing what you are doing, higgs, you are doing amazingly well. Sure, it probably doesn't "feel" like it right now but, truth is, you really are!
Don't worry about any criticism you get from those silly folks on Facebook; heck, they're not even (truly) mad at you (although they may not realize this) they're just p.o'd because someone (you) blew someone else's "cover" (the OW's) which is, in turn, embarrassing for them all (most especially if that one particular message you got was from someone like the OW's mother). Of course some of them are going to be mad, this kind of exposure exposes "them" (the silly folks) in a round-about way, too. They're mad, alright, but who they are really mad at is the person(s) who created this mess, not you, they just don't have the balls to admit to it just yet. Hah, and they say "you" are the one acting like a child??? Give me a break, you are more grown-up then the rest of them put together (geez, you'd make a great role-model for them, "you're" the one who is trying hard to save your marriage).
Keep your chin up, stay calm and, as many others said, let those insults your H keeps hurling at you "go in one ear and out the other." Remember, he is not actually angry with you, he is angry with HIMSELF and the fact that his little secret is no longer "intact." Yep, he'll blame you right now (that's a given) but DON'T let that faze you; it's to be expected. Whatever you do, don't apologize for exposing; that would be just the same as saying "I did something wrong" when you most cerainly did not. You have nothing to apologize for.
You're a fabulous person and you are doing a fabulous job, your H should be "thanking" you for caring so much. Hopefully, in time, he will!
All the best to you, higgs.
xox
Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15
Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Erica Jong
1942-, American Author
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140 |
Of course some of them are going to be mad, this kind of exposure exposes "them" (the silly folks) in a round-about way, too. Excellent insight - that makes perfect sense as to why so many people are horrified when the cheating is exposed and insist that you *must* shut up about it immediately. Of course, they are always the friends/family/coworkers who knew in the first place and did nothing! Thank you. I'll remember this one. It should be obvious, but it was quite good to see it put into words.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212 |
Hi higgs,
Just wanted to let you know you're doing amazingly well!
I did facebook exposure too. One friend had a very strong response, and I told her off (tactfully) and defriended her. However, a few months later, we happened to meet by chance, and we hugged and she asked me how we were doing.
I like TanC's post. I also think that when they're faced with the truth (exposure), it's like a slap in the face to them, and they're not going to react well.
I exposed to my H's family too, and his grandmother told me she was sorry but that we should keep it between the two of us, she felt she could not say anything to him even though I explained to her why she should.
So there will always be people who don't agree with what you're doing, doesn't mean you should be deterred from your plan. STICK to the plan. Keep plan A'ing him, be a broken record whenever he says he doesn't want to be married or tries to tell you why it won't work out - "I have hope" - and all along make preparations for Plan B. Keep on snooping quietly, so that way you will know if he's still in contact with her or not, so you can go to Plan B when it's time.
My H unleashed hell for days after exposure. Now? He has told me several times that he's grateful that I did what I did. So don't let your WH faze you - be strong. But be sure to set up/maintain your boundaries. If he swears at you or calls you names, that kind of thing (which H did to me), simply let him know you will not accept that. All he's doing is trying to sway you from your path because he doesn't want to go where you're going.
Me, BS, 35 - H, FWS, 38
Married 15 years, 4.5 years into Recovery
EA/PA 7/09-9/09
DDay 9/5/09, started Plan A
Exposed 9/13/09, started preparing for Plan B
H finally confessed and agreed to NC 9/27/09, never went to Plan B
Still a MB rookie, but striving to learn more and put it into practice every day... w/ FWH along for the ride
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
Well, stomach in knots again..... My principal wants me to get quiet; it's all the way to 2nd in command in my district; she has a meeting right now. I'm scared of the outcome.....she claims this teacher could sue me forharrassment or slander. This nightmare may never end for me.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Higgs, your principal is just worried about the school's reputation and trying to cover his/her/the school's [censored]. This is your marriage that you're fighting for. Did you use the school email or computer system to do the exposing? As for her suing you for slander or harassment, ain't gonna happen. For one thing, it's not slander if it's true and harassment would be hard to prove. She really doesn't want to get this in front of a Judge and give you the opportunity to state that you were asking people for help to save your marriage. Calm down sweetie. It will be okay.
BTW, I've been in the legal field for many years and I kinda know what I'm talking about.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 04/29/10 04:17 PM. Reason: added BTW
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 212 |
Exactly! Not Slander if it's true and you've got evidence. And if she finds out you've got evidence, she'll be too embarrassed to go any further.
In my situation OW threatened to sue my sisters and me for harassment. Never happened.
Be calm and strong in this storm. You'll be the one that wins in the end.
Me, BS, 35 - H, FWS, 38
Married 15 years, 4.5 years into Recovery
EA/PA 7/09-9/09
DDay 9/5/09, started Plan A
Exposed 9/13/09, started preparing for Plan B
H finally confessed and agreed to NC 9/27/09, never went to Plan B
Still a MB rookie, but striving to learn more and put it into practice every day... w/ FWH along for the ride
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
Well, the meeting was actually about something the principal was in trouble for...LOL She just knew it was about this because her direct boss had brought it up to her....anyway, I'm still not sure what they will do with them.
Husband is at sister's again...viewing tonight from 6-8 and funeral tomorrow. I confirmed that he was there. I offered to send flowers and he accepted that. I'm going to continue to snoop and I'm getting a digital recorder to put in his truck. I will need to know if he is continuing to talk with her....or planning anything.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Okay, you are doing GREAT with the stick part of Plan A. How are you doing with the carrot part? You see most BSs can get one side of it done with little effort.
I am sorry if missed it. What are your WHs top 3 ENs? What Love busters have you been guilty of committing in the past and how effective have you been at correcting them?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 680 |
I need to figure it all out. I know the first EN for h is physical attraction. I'm trying my hardest with this....lost 60lbs total, but it's taking time. I'm not sure of the others. I'm getting the books and reading this weekend.
BS: 41
WS: 52
Marriage 20 years on 6/9/10
Dday on 4/27/10
Husband moved out 5/12/10
Plan B....5/21/10
DD 15
DS 11
DS 10
DS 7
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
PA isn't necessarily only weight. It can be about the way your hair is and what style of clothes you wear. Your perfume and the way your hair smells is also part of it. I have gained weight throughout my marriage and WH still found me PA. POSOW is even overweight as well.
Many men have these 5 ENs in their TOP. It may help a little. Sexual fulfillment, Admiration, Domestic support, Physical attractiveness and recreational companionship are the top 5 of a lot of men. The other 5 are family commitment, conversation, affection, financial support and Honesty and openess. You should read up on the basic concepts, emotional needs and the love bank if you haven't already done so, as this is going to be essential in pulling off a superb Plan A.
Don't get discouraged. You are doing excellent so far. There is work to do. Can you do this? Are you ready?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
481
guests, and
59
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
