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Trying to understand during the A crisis why I wanted to have sex constantly (not that it happened). Is the a common phenomenon, can someone point me to other posts/articles about this?

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I did. And do. Unfortunately he was always willing to have sex with me so I never figured out something was wrong...except maybe the fact that I was initiating it more than he was, when it had always been the other way around.

Now, it's like this need to make him connect to me again. Beats me if it's common, but that's the way I feel about it.


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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It's called the fight or flight response. It's the biological response of animals to acute stress. You were trying to lure your WH back to you. It was a natural response and I did it as well. Those who respond with flight, well obviously they chose the opposite route.

Last edited by verysadtime; 04/26/10 02:01 PM.


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I have heard this is common and experienced it myself. A friend who is 3 years post d-day and recovering told me I was "reclaiming" what was mine. Another friend who just found out last Christmas is pregnant from it! Fortunately, she and her WH are recovering also!


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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LOL, it's called Hysterical Bonding and it's really very, very normal and common.

It has something to do with trying to reclaim what was yours, emotionally bond to the person you promised your life to, etc.

I've seen quite a lot of people get freaked out by it but like I said...totally normal and common. smile


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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hey me too, claiming what was mine and knowing that connection is what I needed and the marriage needed. Even though at first it was only me who needed to be close he never turned me down.....
In Recovery now.......
I feel it was necessary but I guess a strange response knowing he had an affair.......
Glad it's all normal and I'm not a nut case........


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Nope, not a nutcase, most of us have been through it. For some reason it's not talked about much here but I think it should be so no one is freaked out by it.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
For some reason it's not talked about much here

You're right, it's not talked about much......my thoughts are because there are some people who are very vocal about whether BS's should not be having sex with WS for STD's reasons. I remember when I was in Plan A and the big message going around at that time was for BS's NOT to meet that need because who knows what disease they are exposing themselves to......

I get that stand, however, it makes hard for a BS's to talk about it for fear of being read the riot act......


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I agree, I haven't mentioned it to anyone except our counsellor and the great folks on here!

WH says we have a crazy physical attraction and that's one thing that never changed during the entire A. GLAD that I am not the only one who feels the need to jump WS's bones! wink


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Assuming your talking about wanting SF with the WS during the affair as opposed to during recovery...

Felt it, did it, regret some of it.

As to why... Prove your still desirable to them, suddenly you don't have SF on 'tap' any more so to speak, the challenge, revenge on the OP, feeling of superiority to the OP, WS is the only person you feel you CAN have SF with, an attempt to keep some sort of bond there, see if you can SF your way back into their heart, for the slight feeling of companionship, gaining the unattainable...

there are alot of reasons why, and they change from person to person, day to day.

I admitted it, often, to my MB friends. I was given several potential cooties warning, but ultimately it was my decision.

Last edited by lildoggie; 04/26/10 02:43 PM. Reason: add thought

Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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You are not crazy. DDay for me was 4 months ago with LOTS more info trickling out over time (more hurtful in the long run). My WH and I have been "hysterically bonding" since that day. I just felt like it was the only way to "connect" with him and take back what was mine.


Me-BS 41
WH-40
DS-9
DS-6
DS-3

12/2/2009 Discovered WH "Online flirting"
3/17/2010 WH admitted to PA
3/21/2010 WH admitted to 2 other ONS

-We are working on it....
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Well hello there, Y3boys... wink


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
Well hello there, Y3boys... wink


Are you really all that surprised that it took the hysterical bonding thread for me to finally jump on here? LOL


Me-BS 41
WH-40
DS-9
DS-6
DS-3

12/2/2009 Discovered WH "Online flirting"
3/17/2010 WH admitted to PA
3/21/2010 WH admitted to 2 other ONS

-We are working on it....
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No I guess I shouldn't be, now should I? wink


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I find this topic very interesting as psychology is intriguing to me. I came across this article regarding the "fight or flight response". It's amazing how the human brain works!
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When I was a psychology professor in the 1990s, it was commonly accepted that there were two ways that people coped with fear: fight or flight. The scientific understanding at that time was that when we sense a threat, our body shoots noradrenalin in our blood stream, causing our heart to pound faster, and our muscles to fill with increased blood. This biological response readied us to sustain increased physical activity, whether to fight or run away. The fight or flight theory lent credence to the liberal's contention that the conservative response to wage war in Iran was a response to fear-- to fight.

But a more recent theory supports the conservative contention. When Shelley Taylor at UCLA looked at the research on fight or flight, she found that it was primarily based on studying men. In her studies of women, she found a very different response to fear, which she termed "tend and befriend." It also had biological underpinnings. When women sensed a threat, they emitted oxytocin, sometimes called the bonding hormone. Rather than fight or flee, they would talk, soothe, and try to connect. I saw a similar response to fear when I worked with women rape victims. Many reported that rather than fight off their assailant or try to flee, they were kind to the rapist in hopes that he would change his mind.
--
Here's the link Related article



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Can we talk a bit more on "hysterical bonding" or can someone point me to a thread that talks about it?

Is this something considered a good thing, or a not so good thing in Plan A and working on repairing the marriage?



BS(me)-39 WH -35
met 1994 married 1999
DD Mar 19, 2010
nc Mar 21
son 6
son 4
daughter 10m
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Originally Posted by darkamy
Can we talk a bit more on "hysterical bonding" or can someone point me to a thread that talks about it?

Is this something considered a good thing, or a not so good thing in Plan A and working on repairing the marriage?

I am not one of the "vets" so I can only give you my perspective on it. I think it has helped me personally big time. I just felt that this was the only way to reconnect with my WH. I really looked forward to putting the kids to bed and spending time with my husband (ya, I know for so many reasons).

The other peice to this is one of his top EN's is SF, but mine isn't. Hysterical bonding is meeting both of our needs at this point, his SF and my need to connect/reclaim. How could this not be a good part of Plan A (in my sitch) is my question?



Me-BS 41
WH-40
DS-9
DS-6
DS-3

12/2/2009 Discovered WH "Online flirting"
3/17/2010 WH admitted to PA
3/21/2010 WH admitted to 2 other ONS

-We are working on it....
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Originally Posted by darkamy
Can we talk a bit more on "hysterical bonding" or can someone point me to a thread that talks about it?

Is this something considered a good thing, or a not so good thing in Plan A and working on repairing the marriage?

The only time it might *not* be considered good is if you know (or strongly suspect) that the wayward is having sex with the OP, for STD reasons.

If you are certain the A is over and you are in Plan A, it is VERY IMPORTANT to meet this need, especially if it's a top EN.

And even when it's not a top need (seems to be rare that it isn't a top need for either the H or the W, however), most couples seem to go through the "hysterical bonding" thing and YES it's very good and very healing in recovery.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I agree....how could it be bad?

my FWH top EN was also SF. This happened to us, HB, and I wasn't sure until now that it happened to others. We have been bonding since shortyly after DDay in Dec. I think it has made things better for us, I giving him his EN and he in turn fulfilling mine. It's kinda like the vicious circle of unmet needs (of the past) is now being met and coming back full circle.


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

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Basically it's a biological response to fear that causes a hormone to be released that causes the desperate need to bond or connect with the spouse. You're seeking to reclaim the spouse through the most intimate of acts. I remember for myself, it awoke a physical desire for my WH that I had not felt in a very long time. I was able to overlook and temporarily forget the fact that he had cheated. It was starting to fade however, as his wayward, foggy ways continued. It didn't however, carry over to meeting other EN. The anger was just too much for me and WH was fully fogged out.



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