Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
This may be long so forgive me.
I am 47 and been married 25years together 27yrs. Last May09 my Husband was on computer and I noticed he kept looking in my direction. So I got suspicious and went on my laptop and found he was chatting in a sexual manner with a woman. So I confronted him about this and at first he said they were "Just Friends". I explained to him that I was not happy about the kinda talk they were doing. I did more snooping and found out they had been chatting for 8 months. I was devasted. I sent this OW an email giving her a piece of my mind and telling her to back off. My husband said he would stop the chatting and would only talk to her about work related matters since they work in the same building. Well I found out early march 2010 he created a fake face book and she was his friend.They had been chatting via facebook for 3 months. I am so devastated hurt, mad confused, betrayed, emotionally drained. I did confront him right away and he said he knew i would find out and that they were just friends and they had some things in common. Well he finally came around after I confronted him in front of my 2 teens and told him its me or OW. He slept on couch and next morning came in to my room and explained to me that his Dad would sit in the car in front of there house when he was younger for a while and he was usung this OW as a means of "escaping". He apologized to me and the kids for what he has done.I sent an email to this Skank and told her to Back off.I have put a program on his computer to monitor his keystrokes,email,screen shots,etc. and he has no idea its on there and has been on there for over a month. He has been good and seems to be trying but I lack any trust in him at all. I cant get into his blackberry it is a work phone, he works for the government. I did get into his beeper and saw he had her work email and work phone in it. I confronted him about this also and he said he forgot it was in there and he has to figure out how to delete it which he has done. I told him he better not have her info in his blackberry and if he does to delete it . He told me he has never had sex with this OW and doesnt even know where she lives. She is 49 and divorced. He tells me he loves me and that he understands why he did this he was Escapingfrom the real world. He is still living and sleeping in the same bed as me. We are trying to make it work but I feel like a spy and have no trust in him.I dont want to be a fool for a 3rd time. What am I suppose to do?

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
L
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
So sorry you are here, but welcome and you will get tons of help and advice. I'm not a vet, but they will be here soon. listen to them, they have helped me on more than one occasion.

You need to demand he take a polygraph. My husband works for the gov't also and when I demanded this he fessed up.. (polygraphs are his worst nightmare, he is required to take one in certain situations)...there were lots of lies! like, sex when he said they were just talking.... I have not had him take the polygraph yet, I want to wait 6-8months to do it. To be sure there has been NC. But, If you think there is more, and your gut will let you know, then by all means do it now.

WS's lie lie lie!!


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
L
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
BTW...not to scare you....but, when I first discovered my FWH stupidity, it was in an email, and he said they were just talking, (him asking her what she was wearing....) "nothing happened!" and of course I was dumb enough to believe him!

it took me 2 1/2 months to find out the real story! he maintained his innocense until I found real proof


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
Thanks for the feedback. I am not scared I want the truth. I will wait and monitor him online for a while. I want to see if he screws up. I will definitely think about the polygraph test he had one last year from his work. Any advice is helpful.I am strong and willing to do whatever I have to save our marriage, but if its not worth saving I will leave. Please keep the thoughts coming I really need the input.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote
My husband said he would stop the chatting and would only talk to her about work related matters since they work in the same building.

There is daily contact. You can only recover your marriage when they get to No Contact for life. Someone has to leave this employer.

There is not another option.

Are you sure she is divorced? How did you verify that information?

There is more to this than you know.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Gracielee, welcome to MB.

Chances are your WH (wayward husband) is lying to you. But first things first. You'll need to start by reading the basic concepts on the right. You only have his word about the OW, that she is divorced. There's a chance she isn't. Part of Plan A is doing an exposure to everyone that may have any influence over him to stop his affair. But wait on that until you read up on the materials and learn how this whole thing works.

Continuing spying but if you discover anything don't confront him with it just yet. Try and find out if the OW really is divorced. If she was his friend on FB, can you still get on there and figure out who HER friends are? FB is a GREAT exposure tool.

Do some reading and then come back here and ask questions.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
My husband told me she was divorced and on her Facebook page it said divorced/single.

I will talk to my husband about looking for another job. Right now he is the only one employed and the job market is not the greatest right now. Im with you on the No Contact for life.

I am also going to request he does a polygraph test.

Please keep the info coming I need all the advice I can get.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
I have been on her facebook page and yes she is divorced and single. I have read her wall thoroughly and all the replies to and from friends say she is divorced. I will read up on the materials. Thanks everyone!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Originally Posted by gracielee
I have been on her facebook page and yes she is divorced and single. I have read her wall thoroughly and all the replies to and from friends say she is divorced. I will read up on the materials. Thanks everyone!

One of my "friends" on Facebook decided to walk out on his family one day and never look back. He changed his status to "single" that very day. That was over 2 months ago. He has yet to even file for divorce, but he is still listed as "single" and by looking at his page, you'd never guess he is very much still a married man with children. Do not rely on any information from Facebook. People put whatever they want on there, and it doesn't have to be remotely true.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
Thanks I will check the local government website for public records on divorce. Keep the help coming I really appreciate it!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 59
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 59
Hi Gracielee,
Sorry you are here, but glad you found MB. It has helped us and I am sure it will help you as well.

My husband also said he and the co-worker were just friends...that they took flirting too far, but that was it. I found the hotel receipt 7 months later. If they are using that language I would say chances are there is more going on frown
Hopefully you have discovered the EA before it has turned to PA, but I would prepare yourself.

I called my husbands boss to out them. Turned out they knew and spoken to both of them before about it. Co-workers suspected but were not sure. Was VERY embarrasing, but outing him to them kept people watching. He ended up having to leave his job b/c OW would not follow no contact. If I had any piece of advice looking back I would say CHANGE JOBS and fast!!! I so regret not making him change jobs the very first day I thought something was going on. Would have potentially saved us a ton of heartache. It is VERY hard when you are relying on the income, but necessary - even if he has to take vacation for a while to find something. Believe me, believe me, it is necessary.


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
L
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
You can get a samll voice activated recorder and some velcro and place it under the seat of his car. These work very well and are inexpensive. I got one at Best Buy for about $42. My FWH spent his drives to and from work on the phone w OW.

Also there are very small gps's you can place in his car, then download where he has been every few days. I have not done this, my FWH's OW was far away) but a lot of posters here have.

read, read, read

Let us know how things go! stay strong/calm and put your big girl panties on! cool




BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Sorry you are here but welcome. My H had an EA with a coworker about 2.5 yrs ago. When I discovered it, I freaked out and my H stopped the texting/phone calling part of the A but continued to see OW at work. When I came here and told my story, everyone hammered me with the same message ---> you will keep having d-days while they are still working together and won't be able to recover until there is 100% NC.

Here is what Dr. Harley has to say about this:
Quote
Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.


It turned out to be so true, after a few weeks, I found out they were still talking/flirting at work even though he swore on a stack of bibles it was over. Once he left the workplace and "defogged", he would be the first person to tell you working together with an AP won't work. Just glancing at each other will trigger the addictive thoughts and feelings.

Who else have you exposed this to other than your children? I would definitely consider exposing it at the workplace and also to OW's FB list.

hang in there!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
I also wanted to add that the only reason my H's EA didn't go PA is because OW was engaged and wanted to be with her fiance. She was just using my H for the attention but didn't want to be physical with him. Please prepare yourself for the worst, I wouldn't be surprised if you found out your H's EA was actually a PA.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
Thanks for the links SusieQ. I am reading the Plans and trying to soak it all in. I went out and bought a Voice activated recorder and velcro.I will put it under his seat when he goes to bed tonite. I will keep snooping and I will tell husband that he needs to seek other employer and have no more contact for life with this OW. Thanks everyone, sorry you are on here too. Keep all the help coming. Gracie

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
L
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
L
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
clap

keep up the good work!

I wish I had know about this site in Oct. It would have saved me a lot of heartache!


BS (ME)40
FWH 40
M 18yrs
DS 16, 14, 12
DDay #1 10/09 innaprop email
DDay #2 12/18/09 SA phone/email, met 4 times over 12m
DDay #3 12/25/09 (full confess. Merry Christmas!) 2 ONS,in 08, 2 EA/phone/internet.06-08
NC 12/19/09 sent emails to ALL!

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
Updates.

So far nothing on Voice activated recorder- been in car only a day.
Nothing on his computer- Webwatcherdata has been in stalled over a month.
We talked friday and I insisted he take a polygraph test which he has agreed to. Appointment is on tuesday. It is expensive but my marriage is worth it.
He did admit that he asked the OW "jokingly"for sex and that she stated men hit on her all the time and it would never happen??? Also that her ex-husband died of prostate cancer several years ago.
Busy weekend so I will try to get back soon. Keep all the help coming.You all have been very helpful. Thank You!!!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Make sure that you go through with the polygraph. He may try to "admit" to some stuff just so you won't go through with it. There have been some people on here that said their WS was in the car in the parking lot ready to go into the polygraph when they either backed out or confessed to some of it. You can do this.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
He is taking the day off. I told him when I asked him to do the polygraph test we will go together. He seems fine about taking it so we will see what comes of all this.... And believe me I won't feel guilty about spending the money even if he passes,its my piece of mind. So we will wait til tuesday. Keep the help coming I am thankful I found MB!!! Gracie

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 145 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,811
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5