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#2365277 04/30/10 05:41 AM
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My wife told me two weeks ago that she has never loved me. Last night I spent 2 and half hours talking. I love her so much I cannot let go. She is giving US a second chance, but she doesn't know how long will be enough. She stated that she is a Wood Stove with no wood in her. I have been asking her what I did, she replies that I did nothing, and I did everything right and I played the married game well. She states that she needs to be true to herself. I understand that you have to be true to yourself, I just don't understand why after 7 years. She met a new friend (Co-Worker) he is a nice guy, but he has just broken up with his long term relationship and that when they started talking. I trust my wife that she is not cheating on me. But he is showing her the single life and that is what she wants now. I want to take her to counseling. She states that she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do any more. I don't want to let go but looking at the situation that is the only thing I see that can happen. O yea I didn't state we have 3 kids that this is affecting. I love her so much that it hurts more than I can bear.

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Originally Posted by Befaithfull
I trust my wife that she is not cheating on me. But he is showing her the single life and that is what she wants now.

Befaithful:

Your wife is most definitely cheating on you right now, it just may not be physical yet...but that is just a matter of time. She is involved in at least an Emotional Affair (EA) which can be just as dangerous, if not more dangerous, to your marriage.

Dr. Harley's methods of Marriage Builders (MB) is the absolute best plan out there to break up an affair, and hopefully restore a loving marriage.

Please hit the "Notify Moderators" button on your screen, and ask the Mods to move your thread over to the Surviving An Affair forum. There are a lot of good folks in that forum that will help you implement Dr. Harley's plans.

Welcome to MB, although I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

LoBoy


"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." Thoreau
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Dear Befaithful,

I agree too that your W is having an affair. I felt the same way about my husband when I was having an affair. But you need to find out for sure. You need to collect evidence and do some serious snooping. Read these for starters:

Spying 101

For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Welcome to MB, Befaithful. You will find here tons of good advice. Follow the advice and you can save your marriage. Sorry about the situation you and your kids are in. hug


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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BF:

And don't put any credence into your WW's statement that "She has never loved you." I heard that one too, from my Ex-WW, as well as "I've never been sexually attracted to you.", "I married you with my head and not my heart", and "I married you because my parents wanted me to marry you."

Just about every betrayed spouse hears stuff like this, or worse...because while in an affair the Wayward Spouse (WS) makes up rationalizations in their head to ease their guilt over what they are doing...basically they re-write Marital History. We call that "The Fog" around here.


Don't believe it, and ask the mods to move your thread to Surviving an Affair.


"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." Thoreau
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BF,

I agree with the others, even though my H did not say those things to me, we have seen it so many times here.

Your wife is for sure having at least an emotional affair with this OM (other man) and is either considering or already has went physical with it. Please have you post moved if you want to save your marriage.

And sorry you are here at the best place none of us wanted to be at.

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I Thank every ones thoughts I'm tring to figure out how to move it but I'm having trouble

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Click on Notify, I think this was it.


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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now's the time to start fighting, she says she's giving "US" a "second" chance, but not sure how long...meaning, she wants to know if you can be as good or better as what she's found.

more than likely after 7 years of marriage and 3 kids, things have become routine in your marriage...it happens man...bills, work, kids...life...

use this EA as a wake-up call...stay proactive and snoop to make sure this EA doesn't get physical...locate the questionnaires on this site and have her fill them out...that way you'll at least have a fighting chance during this "second chance" she's giving you...let her know too that she's slacked off in meeting your needs too and you both need to work together to restore your marriage.

IF she's serious and the two of you start spending 15 hours a week or more in Undivided Attention meeting each other's EN's this EA should be nipped pretty quick...

my personal advice...study this MB's site...don not tell her about MB's...tell her you've been thinking and this is the plan you've come up with...own up to some of your faults...AO's, DJ's in the past and that you pledge to work on them...there's enough information on here to get you started.

hopefully, this EA hasn't gotten physical, but I'd know where she is at ALL times and if you know anyone she works with, I'd somehow try and get them to spy for you...if you trust them...

good luck!

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Originally Posted by Befaithfull
She met a new friend (Co-Worker) he is a nice guy, but he has just broken up with his long term relationship and that when they started talking. I trust my wife that she is not cheating on me.

BF, I am sorry you are here. frown And I am sorry to tell you that your wife is in an affair with her coworker. That is WHY she wants to split up. She is high on the addiction of an affair and that is why she suddenly is considering separation. She has a NEW point of comparison. Until you bust this affair up by bringing it out in the open, you won't really have a chance at saving your marriage.

The most impactful thing you can do to save your marriage is to get the goods and expose the affair. Cause as much conflict as possible for the affairees. That means exposure at work, your family, friends, the OM's girlfriend/wife; it means confronting the OM and tellng him to leave your wife alone. It is pretty common that adulterers lie about their marital status so this guy may be lying about his own situation. And your wife is probably lying to him. This is why it is a good idea to contact the OM and compare notes.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure ruins the affair fantasy. It is your most powerful tool.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley, founder of Marriage Builders
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
Exposure



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hello and welcome to MB, Befaithfull.

Listen to what the others here are telling you, they couldn't be more correct. Chances are your W really is having an A; although it "may" not be physical, this does not mean it is not an A. EA's (emotional affairs) can be just as damaging as physical affairs can be (sometimes even moreso) and, often, EA's turn into PA's sooner or later, anyway. Now is the time to "nip it in the bud."

If you haven't started snooping yet, I would suggest you do so asap. Of course, you need to be sneaky and do your snooping unbeknowst to your W, so snoop carefully and use caution. If you can, check her cell phone records for "unusual" calls/texts, if she uses a computer try and find out what she does on it and who she talks to, etc. For more snooping tips, check out the "Spying 101" link that Niitse left you in one of the posts above. Whatever you do, "DON'T" let your W know what you are up to and "DON'T" feel guilty for doing so...you are trying to save your marriage (and that is a good thing, so nothing to feel guilty about).

In addition, do not let your W know about this place (for now, that is the last thing you want to do). Read everything you can here (spying 101 thread, exposure thread, surviving an affair thread as well as the Basic Concepts, Questionnaires, etc offered), there is loads of great advice to be found through these.

I am so sorry you have to find yourself here but, take note, your marriage CAN be saved and it can be a fabulous one if you are willing to take the time/energy/hardship that comes with trying to save it by using the advice you find here. Granted, it won't be easy (it never is) but it CAN be done so do your best to stick with the advice you are given here at MB...regardless of how difficult you may find it right now (it usually gets better/easier once you "learn the ropes").

Quote
My wife told me two weeks ago that she has never loved me.
You are not alone on this one, many of us here have heard the same thing ourselves and, usually, those words mean squat and are just used as a form of "self-rationalization" (this is often what waywards do to try and convince "themselves" that they have a good reason for doing what they are doing, making them think that their "wrong-doings" are, somehow justifiable). Don't feed into the "I've never loved you, I don't love you, I'm not in love with you anymore" (etc) lines; almost all waywards say that along with any other "excuses" they can find to make them feel better about themselves and to "lessen" (in their own minds) the wrong of what they are doing. If you really think about it, your W is just trying to come up with answers as to "why" she is doing what she is doing simply because she is "grasping at straws" trying to find an answer that she feels can be used as a "reason" for doing the wrong thing. This is all VERY typical action on the part of waywards, don't allow it to consume you.

Anyway, as sorry as I am that you feel the need to be here, I am still glad to have you here all the same and I sincerely hope you'll find the help you need. If you stick around and take advantage of the advice you're given...I honestly do believe you will!

Good luck to you.

Last edited by TandC; 04/30/10 09:34 AM.

Married DH May 5, 1990
DH45 - ME43 - DD18 - DD15

Thanx to MB my M is now back on track and better than ever. MB ROCKS!!!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
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are you guys happy ? and if you are how did you start your road to recovery.

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Originally Posted by Befaithfull
are you guys happy ? and if you are how did you start your road to recovery.
Recovery cannot start until after the affair ends.

You can't persuade or guilt your spouse to end an affair. Exposure is the most powerful tool in your arsenal right now.

Do NOT threaten exposure, that is ruinous. Just do it.
Don't talk relationship talk with your WH right now at all.

Focus on:
Meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs (attract him back to the M)
No relationship talk
Exposure

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About exposure:
--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell WS you're going to expose. Just do it. If WS has advance warning, they will tell their friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. BS is controlling and angry. BS won't talk to me, won't listen to me. BS is possessive and jealous, and accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, (s(s))he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OP has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a member of the opposite sex would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

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veryone I need as much advice as I can get. I just talked to her on the phone and she opposed for making me miserable. I think I need to hang low and see what happens. Right now I cannot control my future with her she is the only one that can. I will be taking the advice and I will stop talking of the relationship and wait until she is ready.

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WRONG BEFAITHFUL. YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE CONTROL HERE.

You are the one who is going to decide if you are going to make plans to recover the marriage or to divorce.

Have you read all of the material on here? We will be able to help you more easily if you have.

You are about to head into a VERY difficult journey that in the end will reap HUGE rewards. Are you ready for it?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Yes I am ready ....................... What ever it takes but it does take two to make it work. I love her so much that it hurts. I have allways just layed down my whole life but I guess I just need to man up and try take the situation and run with it holding on as hard as I can, and not letting go. I just do as everyone states.

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BF,

Read the first couple of pages of the "Musings" thread linked in my sig line.

Also read this: How to survive infidelity

Be sure you have a good working knowledge of the Basic Concepts

Check out WAT's quick start guide for betrayed spouses and Longhorn's thread for newly betrayed spouses.

Gonna make you read a bunch here so hang in there.

Get the book Surviving An Affair.

Sorry you find yourself here under such circumstances, but under those circumstances you will find that this is the very place you need to be. You need a PLAN so that you can act instead of reacting to what she does or might do or refuses to do. This is the place to get it.

You can't "fix" your marriage in order to save it. You must save it first and then try to repair the damage and wade through the fallout. The folks here can help you with the task but YOU must act from your own strength and not allow your ability to do what is right in order to fight for your marriage to be determined by what she tells you or what she says or does.

No matter what you do you might win this fight or you might lose it. I can tell you that unless you give it your best effort, you will certainly not win and save your marriage. You don't have to be superman, but you do need to stand up and be the man your wife wants to be married to. It's time to cowboy up.

Mark

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BF,

Don't kid yourself here, buddy, your wife IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. She's in an EA at least and don't be surprised if it's already gone sexual. If a wife talks to her husband about a separation, "needing time", "wanting space", or devalues/complains about her marriage (without sincerely commiting to work together on improving it),

SHE IS ALREADY IN AN AFFAIR 99% OF THE TIME

Listen to the people here and don't delay. Start snooping, get the info (it will be more than you imagined), and EXPOSE asap. All the stuff she's saying is for 2 reasons only (neither of them good):

1. She's rationalizing/justifying her affair and betrayal of you
2. She's making excuses to keep you in the dark so she can continue it w/o being discovered.

Get to work--Don't dilly around!

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Befaithfull- First thing you need to do is look at your situation, perhaps just get legal advice so that you have your interests covered while you go through this whole situation. Your WS may feel this is a LB but no it is just you taking care of yourself.

Next I agree expose the affair, it isn't going to be pretty she is going to be very very angry however guess what she caused this situation.

You need to decide if you want to plan A or plan B which is to have her leave the house and have no contact with her unless it involves the children even then have a third party deal between you.

Right now you have to be in the drivers seat. If not you will be played over and over again.

You need to work on yourself now especially your self esteem.

She probably doesn't want to make you miserable however her actions show differently. You need her to make a choice either work on her marriage and stop seeing OM or leave. It can't be both ways.


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