Atena, you are still looking at this from the wrong side:
Stop speculating on WH, his love bank, his A and OW. What happens there, happens. The only control you have is over what you do and choose to let affect you. His LB is irrelevent right now. Only yours matters. You write about your love for him but that WILL drain because every time you see or think about him, he's making withdrawals - whether he knows it or not. You are basically throwing it at him. Stop doing this - it hurts you and it doesn't benefit him in the slightest. Stop it now!!!

Now from the perspective of the wayward - this truly doesn't matter but I remember needing to know this as much as you do so I'll explain it as I see it. Life as a wayward must be pretty simple. Everything can be easily categorized as good and bad. Everything good is because of the OP. Everything bad is because of the BS. It doesn't matter how rediculous or unconnected it is - a wayward will blame their BS for anything and everything as long as they are around to do it. Do you realize that I was singlehandedly responsible for a blown transmission, an overdue cable bill, a thunderstorm, a bad haircut and a couple of strikeouts at bat among other things? As long as I was even remotely in the picture, WXH could manage to twist everything around so that it was all my fault. This makes life pretty sweet, doncha think, when you have one single cause of everything wrong under the sun! The fact is, as long as you maintain a presence in your WH's life, you will serve this purpose for him. If he stubbed his toe this morning, you can bet it was your fault.

The truth is, Atena, that in the state your WH is currently in (active long term A with OW), there is absolutely nothing you CAN do to fill his LB. Nothing. You can only withdraw - again without even your knowledge or intent. Because nobody goes through a single day in life without some adversity or another. Heck, if OW breaks a nail it's probably your fault too. The only way to avoid this is to get out of its path. When they try to point the finger at you, don't be there. Sooner or later even waywards start to realize how rediculous they are and begin to take a look at reality. It's when they get to that point that they start to evaluate the truth about themselves and each other. But they won't ever do that as long as you are available to point blame at. Never. Trust me, I've lived this!!!

You worry that relocation might just bring WH and OW closer together. I'll argue that NOT relocating simply binds them together. Nothing holds people together than being able to unite against a cause. Honey, that cause right now is you. You didn't choose it but there it is. If you want any chance at all at ever reconciling, you have to get OUT of this position as soon as possible. I totally understand the career ramification, but there is nothing stopping you from looking right now. You claim you have lots of free time - fill it up with this very important project. Otherwise there will be nothing left of you to take on your new career.

((((HUGS))))

Thank you Tabby for taking the time to write this excellent post. I reflected upon it and what surprizes me is that I am the glue that keeps them together.
I can't imagine I have such an important role but thinking about it, I can see how H blames me for the aftermath of the worldwide exposure I did and for other difficulties he might have.
However, I am not in any verbal contact with H nor I see him face to face. When I do, I get glimpses of him and he gets glimpses of me. But we are never together in a room where we have to stare at eachother and pretend we do not know eachother.
How long can he blame me for? If OW acts like a b$tch, does he blame me for it? And if he is depressed and feels guilty about what he has done...does he blame me.
Someone who behaves like this has no hope...

Actually, this is completely 'normal' in that people want to diffuse responsibility, or in your husband's case 'deflect or project' responsibility elsewhere.

YOU are the cause of his pain, in his eyes, because had you just allowed the affair and everything else to occur, then he would be 'happy'. Had YOU not exposed, had YOU not... well been an injured wife, then he would have been happy.

This, unfortunately is deep within the massive layers of fog which can occur. Don't take it upon yourself, because outside of the fog, it is clear of where the problem truly lies. However, the fog keeps him from seeing it. He isn't lost... unfortunately, he is JUST WHERE he is supposed to be, when he is having an affair. It sucks... but he is right where he is expected to be at this point.

IMO

AND


And this is what I am not longer sure about. I think that once the pressure to wanting to R is out I will feel a lot better. I will keep in plan B but only for the sake of my personal R which is also commendable and highly recommended here at MB.
Just the idea of telling myself :"Atena, this man is not worth years of your life, he is stil;l so thick in the fog it will take him centuries to come out...you are now deciding to heal yourself and not to R the M. Even if H would wants to one day, you will not"
Just telling myself that, I am sure, will make me feel like a load has lifter from my chest.
I only have to think it over a little more and then decide if I want to call it quits.
blessing

atena...

I know what you are feeling and what you are thinking... at least I believe I do. I go through it in a similar, although with different circumstances, fashion.

Today, I am having a 'reconciliation moment' where I want things to change. However, MOST of the time, I am unfogged myself, and can see the situation for what it really is. I believe it is just how we are... as things move on. Plan B protects our love to some degree. This can be good or bad, depending upon circumstances. By protecting our love, it maintains a sense of 'hope' that ensures that a future (should it come about0 reconciliation can occur. However, at the same time, it partially 'stunts' us, so to speak and I know that is not a popular thought here on MB. It stunts us in that our 'love' is maintained in a position in which there might be NO reasonable possibility for reconciliation. Yes, we need to heal ourselves, and be the best, regardless of whether our marriage is rekindled or dies. However, Plan B sometimes makes that harder than if you were merely 'leaving everything behind' and working on your future.

To me, it is harder with the possibility of reconciliation, than with NO possibility. What makes it harder for me, ATM is that I don't even know what I want... and any given day can change how/what I feel dramatically. I think this is just par for the course... something which is part of the 'experience' of these types of issues. I try not to put too much weight on any given feeling on any given day, because I know that tomorrow, it is likely to be different.

I have no real advice for you... not that you haven't already received countless times, I am sure. Just realize that you are where you should be at this time. And he is where he is... at this time.

It is not about personal recovery vs. marital recovery. You aren't picking one over the other. Not at all. Right now, you are broken and hurting. You can't do anything at all until you heal. Especially not recover a marriage. Not while you are still so badly injured.

Recovery is recovery. Those who recover their marriages first recover themselves. This is true whether they had to go all the way to Plan B, or if the A was broken up immediately upon discovery. The BS is broken and has to heal before the marriage can be recovered. Why do you think it takes them so long? Even those with very remorseful and supportive WS's take years to recover. One doesn't heal from this type of pain overnight even under the best of circumstance.

You can't even begin to heal when you are still being assaulted by those 1000 cuts. The best you can do is fend them off, but that just makes you tired and even more vulnerable. This is why a dark Plan B is so critical. It allows you to begin the healing process on your own. It doesn't speed it up, but at least it doesn't set you back. Then down the road, if the fog ever clears and your WH wants to return you will have the strength to take on the challenge of marital recovery - if you still want it. And more likely than not, the "personally recovered" you will be more attractive to him than the "broken you".

You aren't chosing marital over personal recovery - you are striving for marital recovery THROUGH personal recovery. You can't have the former without the latter.

Tabby thank you again for your great posts.
you are right, I can't heal anything if I do not heal myself first.
But I do believe that there are ways to make my R faster.
One is releasing the negative and hurt feelings that A and WH created and that are blocking me.
I have been reading a lot in these past months and are now fully into releasing techniques and meditations to quiet the minds and let go of all the hurt.
Takes a lot of discipline, but I am ready for it and started the process 10 days ago.
Many things are going to surface now but as I work on them and release them they will be gone forever.
I also have to let go of wanting my H back. I set that as a goal and I am going to release on it and clean up all the garbage that still tells me I want him as a H.
It will take months, but much less time than therapy or other methods. It is called the Sedona Method and I recommend it.
blessing

Well said, Tabby. A true nugget of wisdom.....

TB

[/quote]

Tabby, I am saving this one. It is a pearl, it should go under memorable quotes by Pepperband.

Atena, glad you are posting.

I started Yoga over a year ago and I find it quiets the soul and mind.

Rediscover something you were passionate about and jump back in.

Rearrange a room, paint, throw out all your old clothes, change your style, hair but because you want too.

Post on this board. It is a lifeline. You are not in this alone.

Atena, just checking in to see how you are doing.

Blessings.

Thank you for checking on me.
I resolved NOT to save my M and use Plan B as a personal R.
So in the remote chance WH ever wants to R my answer will be NO.
I am done with him. I went thru all the past and all the stuff he did to me, my son and the lies, deceit, scheming and filth he put me thru. I think it is enough. I cried and released it and keep doing it every day till all my feelings for him are gone.
It is amazing how fast this has been working. In a matter of a week I already feel much less love for him and much more detachment. I am close to turning my heart into stone for him. This is how it feels now when I think of him and OW together. It used to bother me. Now I feel close to nothing.
I found that this was the best solution for me. It worked almost like magic. Once I made the decision to let go of the fantasy of having him back, a lot of pressure came off me.
Blessing

Im right there with you , atena...I dont know if its possible for us to get rid of ALL the feelings...but we will be okay.

Actually if you release on it for 2 hours a day like I have been doing for the past week it works pretty fast. If you consider that I used to spend my WHOLE day pining for H and imagining him with OW...compared to all this waste of time..2 hours a day are a bargain.
blessing

Yeah, I used to cry all day....I would take my son to school crying, cry while he was in school and pick him up for school crying....Those days are over, thank God for that.

I have a hard time crying now since I have been on my new AD's (except for a poster here makin me cry, nother story) But I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. You might be onto sumthin with the crying everyday thing.

I cant wait for the day I can see him with OW and it doesnt faze me....I wonder if that day ever comes?

Atena, glad you checked in.

It is a good support system here. There were many times when I did not post for a few days then someone would check in on me or give me a call. The people on this board are all going through the same crisis and they get it unlike others who care about you but have never experienced this.

You sound much stronger than previous posts and working on through this.

For many personal recovery is not saving your M but saving yourself.

What are you doing for yourself that you enjoy? Have you explored any of those options that people here have suggested.

Blessings and have a great weekend.

I think when stuff like this happens to a person it is a sign for spiritual awakening. I have to say I am fortunate because this experience, even if very painful, has opened a new life and a new depth for me.
I have to say that I do enjoy time alone. I live in a beautiful spot surrounded by nature and I have the good company of great books.
I have a job where I interact with people 9 hours a day and I have good friends at work adn sometimes they come to visit me on week ends.
I excercise, eat faily well and learn new things every day.
I think my life is much richer than when I was with H. I no longer have to worry about him befriending OW and galighting me nor I have to worry about him lying and cheating.
I feel fre and do not give a hoot about what he thinks or wants.
I am trying to apply that so that the only opinion that counts is mine.
I think that without wanting control and approval from people we can be truly free.
blessing

How interesting you should say this, atena. As a member of A.A. for a number of years, I felt I had my spiritual awakening. Yet this utter demolition of my dreams and reality has resulted in me attending church, getting a Bible and attending Bible study.

Me -- a practicing agnostic for decades! What astounds me even more is that I'm actually enjoying this new-found awareness. But then, A.A.'s 11th Step says

So maybe this is the logical next step...

How do you practice being an agnostic? I thought they weren't of any faith.

The "faith" of an agnostic is in denying the possibility of the existence of God. Make no mistake, agnostics and atheists are every bit as rabid about their "faith" as believers. They just believe differently.

Atheists believe in NoGod. Agnostics believe in MaybeGod.

Atheists don't believe in God because he doesn't work the way they want Him to. Agnostics simply want God to work the way they want Him to.

Just the fact that your heart beats without you having to do anything is a sign of god's presence. So the agnostic or atheist whose heart beats like mine...how do they explain that?
I have always wondered.
Blessing