TST,

Just to let you know, I ordered:

"Surviving an Affair"
"Fall in Love, Stay in Love"
"Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love"

SoCal, get the work book that goes with Love Busters as well. It would be really helpful for both of you. It includes the EN Questionaire, the LB questionaire and the RC questionaire as well as other "homework".

Thanks, I will.

OK SoCal,

Where are you in your coaching with Steve Harley.

You've had 4 sessions..... and the last one was focusing on the why'ssss.

You read the verse I quoted you from James, Right?

I think we've cleared up that the "why" was a boundary issue.. Right?

A choice you made, Right?

Are you accepting of this, or????

Try this
Detroit Locker

tst, sorry. Another crazy work day. In fact was in the middle of replying several times today. So this one comes from my phones web browser.
I did read james. All of 1, i why not eh? We're having our 5th session with Steve. next week, and yes we're still in the "why's". I think I were good on the why's. And in retrospect I think I never had proper boundries. I'm in the process of figuring out why. Looking back I should've had stronger ones in place from day 1.

SoCal,

Here's the thing...

Acknowledge that you had pityful boundaries and then agree to put boundaries in place ASAP..... OK!

Sitting around trying to discover, "why didn't I have boundaries" is a waste of time.
The reality is that there weren't any..... OK!

I would be happy to help you with boundaries if your willing to put some effort into the process.

Here at MB we call these new boundaries, Extraordinary Precautions (EP's)

These are not ORDINARY boundaries.... these are Extraordinary... OK!

So....Would you like some help with this process??

SoCal...this might be a helpful article for you to read...it's on"Just Compensation" by Dr. Harley.

Working on your EPs right now is a great idea as well!

I would certainly welcome your help!

If you read the article that MF linked about just compensation then hopefully you noticed this part;

Just Compensation

I believe "just compensation" was created by Dr. Harley to help the waywards understand that their offense is not a "forgive and forget" type of offense. Actions are required!

quoting Dr. Harley:

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

When an insurance company pays you for your home that was lost from a devastating fire, this would be compensation. It is all they can offer you. They cannot restore your memories, photos, collectibles, treasures, or the security you always felt prior to the fire. You would also feel no obligation to drop on your knees and say thank you to your insurance company for the compensation either. It may even feel cold that they are paying you for something you can never get back again. But, it is what they must do regardless.

I can never offer Just (as in justice) Compensation for my affair, because it can never really be more than just (merely) compensation. But, I must offer it just the same if I am going to be part of the marriage recovery of today and tomorrow.

I�ve created a guide to help you that makes the EP process a little easier�..
When discussing EPs, Dr. Harley addresses that the following areas need to change:

A) Blocking all communication with AP�s
B) Accounting for time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.

EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.
Protection = Care

EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.

Ok let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list.

The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you need to make sure you complete.

The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.

So let�s start with your first category items.

You will add/subtract from these as your situation requires.

A) Change my cell phone number.
B) Change my email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Facebook, Classmates, MySpace, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my wife does not have and give to her (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my wife has not had access to.
G) Give my wife access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my wife administrative access.
I) I will contact an attorney that will work on my wife�s behalf and write a post-nup agreement.

Some of these things you have already done. But these are one time things that you set up and they stay this way without any maintenance.

You still create this list so you can present it to your wife when it�s final draft is complete, OK!

Category #2 is a little more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.

A) I will protect my wife and her feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with women.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with any women.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishments
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my wife at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my wife a daily schedule of all appointment and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my wife of the change.
I) I will make my wife�s calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my wife at any time she requests. No questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my wife at night.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my wife to meet each other�s ENs every week.
N) If OW finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my wife about it immediately.
O) I will install a GPS, or any other tracking system my wife may request.
P) I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.
Q) I will defer to my wife as the advice giver when it involves another woman, unless she specifically calls on me.
R) I will allow only my wife to hear my problems or concerns.
S) I will not share my infirmities with another woman.
T) I will allow my wife to be my exclusive care giver, unless she specifically calls on someone else to help her.
U) I will defer to my wife in all matters of charity and outreach, with her being the sole point of contact when caring for women.
V) I will allow only men to provide essential care, such as Doctors appointments, hair cuts, massages, individual counseling, etc.
W) I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and will agree to eliminate any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.
X) I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without the company of my wife.

Please just copy the ones that apply, as you are not going to lose a letter grade for plagiarism.

Use this as a starting point for working further on your EP�s, as they apply to you and your specific situation, OK?

Post your EP�s, Here on this thread, in rough draft form, once they are complete.

Allow a day or two of feedback before finalizing them.

You will give this to your wife for her review and make any changes that SHE feels needs made.

Then you will have completed the exercise of creating Extraordinary BOUNDARIES, aka EP�s.

Writing out a rough draft of these EP's should only require about 2-4 hrs. of your time.

Sooooo.... about the time it takes to be a 12th man on Sat. afternoon if you KWIM!

I'm politely telling you to get this done and posted before Sunday!

tst, I must say, those posts were excellent. You will help many WS with that. Good job.

Tst, please tell SMB I said she is blessed. I am amazed at your strength and knowledge today. I remember helping SMB when you weren't so smart.

Cranial - Rectal Extractions are a Miraculous Procedure

I'm not even sure it would take 2-4 hours, this list is probably pretty complete.

We've also shared our EPs with them so they have a very good start on what they should look like.

TST, This is great stuff! Most of part 1 has either been done or is NA before I started with MB or after my first session with Steve, and alot of part 2 is in place as well. I will offically draft them out tomorrow and post them. In fact we had a situation today where I had to go to a business meeting/lunch with a customer and an account manager. We talked about some ground rules, where I was going etc. One counter to all of these or should I say solution is constant contact. And I mean constant contact. I called her and texted her throughout the lunch portion and a little less frequently during my meeting for obvious reasons. But I digress, let me get to my list. I will get started in earnest after Little League tomorrow morning.


Thanks.