Here is my plan A and B
A - I will do as she requestes tonight and tommrow is a day of just us and the kids, this is where I will ask her to stay away from him for a week or two as of rigth now so she can fugre out what she wants. I have acounler set up with an appoinment and I will ask her to come with so we can work this out. If she fights and says no I will kindly acept that and I will move to plan B
B - Have papers served to her so I can protect the kids and my self from her ( the one that is spinning out of control of her life.) Once that is complete I will wait intill she comes back if she does. Then we will be going to a marrage retreat or something along that line.
Any one is this a good idea ?
NO, this is NOT a good idea and NO this is NOT what Plans A & B are. Please read the articles here and get up to speed on the plans and their elements ASAP.
Plan A is twofold:
The �carrot� is to cease all lovebusters (LBs) and do your best to meet her key emotional needs (ENs). You do this in a loving but strong way (don�t be a doormat, don�t beg & plead, don�t let her walk on you.) Just try to sincerely show her the type of man and marriage she once had (before the �problems� or disconnection) and can have again, if she chooses. You can�t force her to accept it and do not expect her to suddenly be swept away and reciprocate. You are merely trying to plant a positive seed in her mind and incentivize her to see her marriage as more worthwhile than her affair.
The �stick� is what you do dis-incentivize the affair. The affair MUST END BEFORE she can even start to think about recovery (R). You must be FIRM here (you love her, you want to work TOGETHER on improving your marriage, but her affair is unacceptable and you will not be her �backup man�). Cut off any and all financial support for her affair. If she is using joint credit cards or bank accounts to fund her activities with OM, then CANCEL them. You can�t stop her from doing what she chooses, but there is NO WAY that your (or comingled) funds should be paying for it. Most importantly, snoop, get the info, and EXPOSE to everyone on both her and OM�s side WITHOUT WARNING & ALL AT ONCE. She�ll be pissed�ignore it. The stick is the single best weapon you have to end the affair � you need one of them (usually the OM) to dump the other one ASAP.
Plan B is what you do when you still want R but Plan A has not broken up the affair:
Plan B means sending her and her family/friends a Plan B letter (PBL). Examples are here. The PBL is a loving but firm written notice that lays out your boundaries and basically says: �I love WW and want us to restore our marriage together in a way that better meets each other�s ENs. However, this is not possible currently as WW has continued her ongoing affair with OM. I must remove myself from this situation completely until the affair ends. Please do not attempt to contact me, and know that I will not contact you, until WW & OM have permanently ended their relationship. Respectfully, BF.� Then go completely DARK on her. No contact at all either way. Designate an intermediary you trust to handle child-care communications. Stay DARK until she truly ends the affair once and for all.
Here is what is wrong with what you proposed above:
A: Firstly, it sounds like you are trying to coddle her about the affair. You are setting the bar WAY too low. All you are asking is for her to �please don�t see the OM for a week or two, then you can figure out what you want and do whatever�. She will see you as a supplicating doormat who is willing to accept whatever relationship scraps she gives you in a sloppy-seconds format. She will walk all over you for being so weak. DO THE CARROT & THE STICK and make it clear that you will not settle for a ongoing affair-triangle. Secondly, DO NOT GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH AN ACTIVE CHEATING SPOUSE EVER! Go to individual counseling for you only to make yourself stronger and more self-confident (which is ATTRACTIVE). MC with an active-WS is a waste of time until they have repudiated the OP. Your WW probably won�t go anyway and, if she did, she will turn it into a �lie-and-deny, blame-everything-on-my-BH-so-I-don�t-have-to-face-my-adultery� farce. Trust me�don�t put yourself there! MC is for LATER�i.e. AFTER the affair is OVER.
B: It sounds like you are confusing Plan B with Plan D (divorce). Don�t file for divorce unless you want to! You are handing her a get-outta-marriage-free-card if you do. Protecting yourself, your kids, and your financial well-being via a legal separation agreement (LSA) is fine and good in Plan B. Don�t file for D as a �bluff� to scare her�she will probably call your bluff and not ever take you seriously again if you back down. Plan D is NOT a marital recovery-plan�it�s either a personal protection plan if all the above fails or a perfectly acceptable personal choice if you don�t want to attempt R.
Please read up here and read �Surviving An Affair� right away�