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Personally, I would make OM's life hell until he stopped contacting my WW (which is exactly what I did). Continuing to expose him to whoever you can works well because it is not a lovebuster to your WW and it kills the affair as well.
jlowes, this is excellent advice from Jim! Here is the message the OM should hear from you:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Just had another "conversation" with WW...no LB's from me...I didn't back down from labeling the "friendship" an affair. I told her I don't think that she is an awful person just that the affair is wrong and hurtful.
Got the following with rage in her voice:
Call it what you want. I've ruined lives and that will be on me forever. My behavior is irrational. WW never knows what she is coming home to. Only here for the kids Thinks I need to be on medication Stronger than she has been in years (I reminded her that she is having an affair and someone else desires her) Doesn't even want to be friends right now (that is up to me and my behavior) Love was lost in our marriage last year I'm in denial Keep believing what you want to believe
Allow me to translate, j: "blahblahblah fogbabble fogbabble blahblahblah"
Hope that helps.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Today WW issued a demand that I not talk about the affair in "my" house...says I'm trying to make her feel awful for something that is so beautiful. What sets her off is when I remind her that the affair is between two married people with children...I said that this morning and got an angry "get out of this house now!" Oh the rage in her eyes and voice. WW also said that she doesn't keep bringing up my shortcomings in the marriage.
Now, I don't follow her around the house and say "you're having an affair" but in day to day conversation I said I will speak the truth when it comes to the affair...I said that repeatedly this morning.I also reminded her that any negative consequences that result from the affair lie squarely on her shoulders. WW also said that she will not be made "uncomfortable" in her own house and to stop labeling the relationship as an affair!
WW also said "I could have gone a lot further but didn't...guess that was a mistake" and that she has "fallen in love with OM"
oi vey!
Last edited by jlowesd; 04/24/1010:47 AM.
M-43 WW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 In Recovery: 9/10/10
WW also said "I could have gone a lot further but didn't...guess that was a mistake" and that she has "fallen in love with OM"
I would comply with this. Instead of calling it an affair, call it "ADULTERY." If she gets upset, just tell her you are sorry she is upset.
Can you bring me up to speed? Has she ended all contact with the scumbag? Have you exposed the affair to everyone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Did you expose this affair to the OM's wife? To whom has the affair been exposed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
ok, what are you doing about that? What have you told the OM's wife? I don't think you are doing much to help here, Jlowes.
Where and when did you speak to the OM's wife? Who else?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Again, you should be making this OM's life hell. Go to his house and tell him to stay the hell away from your WW. Find out who his parents are and tell them. Shoot, find where he works and let his coworkers know. Make your WW no longer worth his time, and make his life hell until he goes NC w/ her.
Jim
BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
Yes...told OMW two weeks ago...also told close friends of OM and WW and my family as well.
Does your wife know that the OMW knows? What about your wife's family? I find that when a BS doesn't mention any kind of fallout from exposure that they either a) haven't done the exposures at all or b) told the exposure targets to keep it a secret. The result is always explosive, but there is none here.
How come there has been no fallout, jlowes?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Oh yeah...all h e double hockey sticks broke out when I exposed. Anyway, after a tumultuous week for WW, WW has agreed to NC with POSOM. So I will naturally monitor.
Of course, I'm the bad guy in all this...WW is resistant to my attempts to meet EN's...oh well...no LB's from me though!
I have to remember that I'm the lighthouse!
M-43 WW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 In Recovery: 9/10/10
Good job! The reaction is expected. Just keep up what you're doing. As you have correctly stated, the fog is extremely thick right now, and you are the shining beacon of light back to health and reality.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words. St. Francis of Assissi
After NC with OM, WW was very depressed this weekend...
Doesn't want to be around me Doesn't want to be married to me anymore Tried to be amicable and remain friends but I ruined that I'm making it difficult for everyone involved Still maintains the EA was a "friendship"
She is responsive to one EN...
So goes the life of a BS
M-43 WW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 In Recovery: 9/10/10
After NC with OM, WW was very depressed this weekend...
Doesn't want to be around me Doesn't want to be married to me anymore Tried to be amicable and remain friends but I ruined that I'm making it difficult for everyone involved Still maintains the EA was a "friendship"
She is responsive to one EN...
So goes the life of a BS
Is she at home with you?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Oh, well goody, then. You get to do your best Plan A. It might be difficult, but you've got to look at this right now not so much as helping your wife get over another man, as helping a heroin addict through detox. Detach yourself a bit and just be a compassionate human being helping another human being.
When you catch her wallowing in her withdrawal, offer a pleasant alternative to dwelling in that place. Would she like to take a walk? Go to the library? Bowling? Golf? Chess? Make a fancy dinner together?
Truthfully, she's more than likely going to shoot you down on every offer - right at first. But I think you'll eventually start seeing your wife coming out of the alien shell.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
She is going to stay with her BF out of state...her BF is very supportive of us both and our marriage. I don't know if that goes against the MB principles but honestly I think it's best thing for my WW to be around her BF...may help lift the fog.
M-43 WW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 In Recovery: 9/10/10
She is going to stay with her BF out of state...her BF is very supportive of us both and our marriage. I don't know if that goes against the MB principles but honestly I think it's best thing for my WW to be around her BF...may help lift the fog.
How long? I guess this means you are taking care of the children the whole time she is gone. Make sure to document this. You may need it later.
Jim
BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
Here is the message the OM should hear from you: