I agree with Ellen. When we filed the courts were moving quickly and there was a chance our court date could have been on our anniversary. I welcomed that. Things got backed up in the meantime, so now I have two separate negative anniversaries to look forward to each year, 2 months apart from each other.
I suppose the first go-around will be the hardest.

opt

Hey Fred,

Great news on the 5k effort!

I envy the fact that you have a clear timeline to your D, I am still working on that.

Be well, and be happy!

Today being Memorial Day I went to the annual picnic that is held less than two miles from my home. It's a big event; several hundred people attend every year.

I was hesitant, at first, since The Leopard and I worked to put this picnic together in years past. I didn't know how I'd feel if I went and saw her there.

I needn't have worried. She wasn't there (although I thought she was at first -- there was a woman with a daughter and a dog that all fit the description). I wound up having a long talk with a friend of mine, though.

This guy freely admitted to me that he still speaks with her often. He likes her and wants her to be happy, but he also was one of the first to tell me that marrying her wasn't a good idea. I now tend to take his words with less than total honesty, but it's his honesty, if you know what I mean.

The most remarkable thing he said was that she seems to be miserable these days. He understands (in his inimitable, "West Virginia" way) that she's "broken" and is looking outside to fix herself, not inside. He knows OM is supporting three kids and a wife who won't divorce him, and believes the affair is all but over. "If he is coming back, it's only to get laid."

Well, that's all he wanted anyway, but I digress.

He didn't tell me if she was working, yet. But he said her employment avenues are very limited. After all, she has no degree, and she's now blacklisted from counseling.

When asked why he thought she was still coming around to A.A. meetings here, he said it's because she hasn't "grounded" herself, yet. But he also said she seems to be doing less and less in A.A. Here's a funny: She told him her sponsor said she should "confront" me about MY behavior! I told him that I hadn't talked with her in months and turned away the few times I had seen her, I didn't know what behaviors she was talking about. But he did say that her appearance at the spaghetti dinner where I was asked to speak was intentional, with the idea of said confrontation. I guess my refusing to speak with her was better than I thought.

Opt and SC, you've commented on the emotional difficulties I've had. Just today I read another article by the amazing Dr. Tara Palmatier that once again so closely depicts the kind of relationship I was in that it's almost scary. I wasn't victimized by the physical abuse that the letter writer experienced, but otherwise, our relationship was very much like that in the article. And the emotional difficulty is explained there, too. Which helps me understand and heal.

And I am healing! I'm not sure people with Cluster B personality disorders are capable of feeling remorse, but I took away from the picnic today that The Leopard is not enjoying her new-found freedom.

I doubt that she'll try the Hoover maneuver, but I've healed enough that I won't let myself get sucked in. Both MB and Dr. Tara both insist that NO CONTACT is the rule. And I plan to abide by it.

I'm glad she wasn't at the picnic, Fred. Do you think having her as the subject of your conversation with your friend was helpful?

As for SC's and my comments, I'm sure you understand we weren't trying to make a specific example out of you Fred. Although I certainly could have refrained from using your name, so I apologize for that.

Is it possible that, besides the abuse of adultery we've all experienced (for the most part around here), we as divorcing ex-marriage partners feel somewhat abused in other ways as well? As I've gotten some breathing room from WW during separation, I've come to thrive on various projects that would have had me in knots during the marriage: WW was often discouraging to me when it came to completing projects around the house. I no longer hear her voice critiquing me or otherwise being unsupportive. Just one example of how I almost feel I was victimized (too strong of a word, I know) in the relationship. I had poor boundaries with wife (helped lead to her A); is that a commonality we all share?

Fred, I think you're taking a very methodical and purposeful approach to your recovery. You seem to be turning all stones and allowing yourself to feel the feelings as they come, rather than rushing through. That takes much patience, and it is the right thing to do. I hope I can be so strong.

opt

Yes. Although as I learned months ago, "friend" isn't quite the friend I thought he was. Or, maybe I should say "friend's morals and values aren't what I thought they were." Not that he's trying to move in on her, but just that he has a different set of standards and "acceptable practices" than I do.

No need to apologize, opt. We're all adults here, and after all, if the shoe fits...

I don't know. On another thread, in the SAA forum, Enlightened_Ex made a great point (at least I thought so) that he believes women leave men in many cases because while the man may be doing all the thing he believes is the expected part of the husband, but the woman believes she's been neglected because her top EN isn't being met. Is that victimization, or a lack of communication?

Thank you, opt. That's quite a compliment. I don't know if it's "methodical" or not, but I have to believe recovery is possible. This isn't how I thought or dreamed things would turn out, but without the faith or hope that things will somehow be okay, I'd be in a pretty terrible place.

Fred,

Kind words and encouragement from a forum I've rarely visited. You've been a great friend to me, and done more than I ever had any right to ask of you, out of the blue and all.

Wish I could say I was releasing you from duty, but the clouds on the horizon ain't going away I fear...

A manana.

HBS

A good point indeed.
This stuff is so complicated and let's face it D is ugly. A friend reminded me tonight: "you can't make chicken salad out of chicken droppings no matter how much mayonnaise you add to it."

I'll stick with the poor communication theory and hope I don't make the same mistake with the next contestant, if there is to be one.

~opt

We have a date.

A court date, that is.

My daughter has been approved as my witness and we will be finalizing the divorce a week from today.

I am happy (?) to be seeing the end of this. In fact, our wedding anniversary is June 21st, and I wanted to be out of the marriage before that date, so it will be done before then.

Great Fred. Hopefully this will provide some sense of closure or finality. I'm hoping to get the same on June 18.
As my lawyer warned me - court is a very cold place. I expect the process to be emotionally draining quite frankly.
Good luck with this "next step" in the process.

opt

Fred, my D is moving right along too. And later this month is our anniversary. I still live in the same house as WW. It will be interesting to see her mood that day.

By this time tomorrow I will be an unmarried man again.

The court appointment is for 10:00 a.m. By 11:30 I expect to be eating lunch -- my first meal in years as a bachelor!

I know it sucks, but you can also look at it as an official "new beginning".

Good Job on the 5K. I've been running again for the last 1.5 years and set a new PR back in May. Me and the kids went to a big race on trails while the WW slept off a hangover. The more things change...the more they stay the same.

Just wondering, do you still wear your ring? Or have you taken it off before now.

I think Ill keep mine on as an act of defiance until the ink is dry. My WW hasn't worn hers in months.

Thanks, Schtoop.

I've had a rough couple of days, but not because of the divorce. At least not directly.

Yesterday I went out for a 10K training run and halfway through felt an all-too-familiar "twinge" in my back. Uh-oh. Not good.

I finished the run (not much else I could do - I was three miles away from home), but I've been limping and swallowing ibuprofen like candy ever since.

So tomorrow I go to court, unemployed, in pain, with no health insurance, to get a divorce from the wife who should have stayed by my side in my time of distress but chose to go off with another man instead.

Given that hope springs eternal, I have decided that when the court appearance is done, I'm going out and buying a lottery ticket!!!

At 10:45 a.m. I walked out of the courtroom with my daughter, my attorney and a law student (who had accompanied my lawyer).

As my daughter observed over the lunch I bought her, "It's not like there's any difference in your life from the last six months."

She was wrong. There is one difference: I can now file my tax returns as "Single" rather than "Married, filing separately."

Fred, congratulations. I am glad you are free. I know there may be a huge swell of emotions, or there may be a curious lack thereof.

Strangely enough, I remember the same day for my father's marriage with fondness, although at the time it was pretty terrible for me. If the same is not already true for you and your daughter, I hope you will find that it will be some day.

Glad the two of you got to have lunch together. Lunch with my dad is the main thing I remember from that day.

Thank you markos.

It's not a happy day for me, but it's not really a sad one, either. My daughter remarked to me that however I looked at it, I got what I needed.

As I was driving her back to her house (she still had to go to work) I told her that if there was one benefit to the whole ordeal it was that I had acquired a much better appreciation for her. She admitted that we had become much closer as a result.

Sadly, the marriage had done a lot of harm to the relationship between my daughter and me. I will never again allow someone else the power to become that divisive.

Lessons learned.

Now, on with my life. Today I am researching health insurance for the self-employed. I aggravated my troublesome back Monday, and I fear I will need medical attention to correct it. This could be more of an ordeal than my divorce.

An interesting (to me, anyway) side note to today's hearing:

There were five or six cases heard before mine. I was appalled that every single one of them were marriages that had "failed" in three years or less (but the separations had lasted more than a year).

I felt like the "marriage veteran" in the courtroom. Although my time from separation to finalization was the shortest...

Hey Fred - congrats on clearing the final procedural hurdle. While it is no doubt a little sad and certainly emotional, you are now able to move forward freely. Good for you!

Hey, Fred. I hope you will find happiness in your new bachelorhood. I know what you mean about feeling like the "marriage veteran". When anyone hears that I am getting a divorce after a 33 year marriage, I get reactions of horror, and unhelpful comments like, "wow, that was most of your life", and "couldn't you have just toughed it out?" It makes it especially hard since I didn't want a divorce to begin with, and would have loved to be married for the rest of my life. But when your partner hits the Exit button, you are pretty much swept along for the ride.

It may sound crazy, but just the title of this thread is enough was enough to make me feel like my stomach dropped. That two word sentence says so much and is just so final.

I'm really sorry to read all that you've been through, Fred. I hope it doesn't take long before this feels like much more of a change for the positive than like a negative experience you are trying to move on from.

May bachelorhood become comfortable and, dare I say, an exciting time for you as soon as possible!