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joey123 Offline OP
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Before everyone bashes me for being the other guy, please believe me when I tell you that I thought her marriage was going to end soon... I am currently 28, she is 25. Her and I have worked together for 3 years. However we did not work in the same state. The place we work for has a few offices in the US. I work in one state, she works in the other. Our departments are heavily intertwined and we would have to work together everyday whether it was over the phone or through email, conf calls, etc. We started to build a relationship over the years. We got each others cell numbers and starting texting a lot. In my mind we were just good friends. I think she thought of me as more at that time. At the time of all of this, I was coming to the end of my marriage. The co worker and I spoke a lot about marriage and we tried to help each other out. I would talk to her about my marriage, she would talk to me about hers. We were both very unhappy and tried to give each other ideas to help save our marriages. My marriage ended May 2009. I talked to the co-worker about everything. She was there for me as she always had been. During my marriage ending she would always say how hers was going to end soon, and that she was planning on seperating soon. She would constantly tell me how she wished she hadn't gotten married so young and wanted to end it. In July 2009 I had to go to her office for work where we finally met in person. We hit it off, spent time together, and fell in love (at least thought we did). She told me she loved me after we met and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. We have spoken numerous times about one of us moving to the other persons state. We still talk and text everyday.

Anyways, to try to make a very long story short, we have been seeing each other about once a month since July 2009. I've been to her state a few times, she's been to mine a few times. The whole time she has said she was ending her marriage, however nothing has been accomplished. She hasn't filed, hasn't done a thing. Now she is saying she wants to do marriage counceling "just for his sake" so he can feel that they tried everything before they got divorced. She still lives with her husband. I guess I'm starting to realize that all I am is the other guy, and we don't have a future together. It's hard for so many reasons. I truly am in love with her. But she's married and I doubt she's going to end it. Now I have a dilemma. I know I need to end this, but how? Do I tell her husband about me? Please don't point out that I'm an Ahole for continuing this knowing that she was married the whole time. I honestly thought her marriage was going to end and we would try to build a real relationship together. It's hard not just because I love this girl, but also because her husband has no idea I exist and his wife is cheating on him. He didn't do anything to deserve this, and I'm half the blame for it. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm the other guy and helping to ruin a marriage. I still go back and forth and get confused. Sometimes from what she tells me I really think she will get divorced and her and I can start something together. Other times I realize I'm a moron and I need to end this. I know I'm a bad person, but please, any advice will help.

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My God, you are having an affair with a married woman and you come on a marriage forum looking for sympathy?

You need to leave this woman ALONE. Why would you treat a married woman with such utter and shameful DISRESPECT? Do you have no respect for women?

Please end this now. Contact her husband and tell him what you have done. End contact with her immediately.

Son, you have made a mistake of enormous proportions. You have done a horrible thing to her husband and grossly disrespected this woman. Not to mention the fact that there is no future with her unless you dont object to cheating. You already know she is a cheater. Any married woman who would have an affair with you is not marriage material anyway. You have no future with her. She would cheat on you too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Quote:
I truly am in love with her

This doesn't really matter.

Tell her betrayed husband.

He loves her and HE is HER husband.

You owe nothing to this WW, do not speak to her again.

Welcome to MB!


M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Originally Posted By: joey123
Please don't point out that I'm an Ahole for continuing this knowing that she was married the whole time. I honestly thought her marriage was going to end and we would try to build a real relationship together.


This is supposed to be an EXCUSE for adultery? huh? You DID a married woman. You did her while she was married. You cannot rationalize this away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Unfortunately, "conventional wisdom" is completely stupid when it comes to marriages.

Your story is why no one should date or otherwise get involved with a married person.

"Separated" is still married.

"We're ending it" is still married.

It sounds like your girlfriend did what most players do - she lied to you so she could have two people at her beck and call to feed her emotional needs. And it worked.

Like all cheaters, she wanted the security and comfort of marriage *and* all the fun and excitement of dating at the same time. And she got it.

And you did the same thing with her. You sat on the fence and enjoyed having both a marriage and a girlfriend.

Just as a tiny afterthought - what about your Betrayed Wife? Does she know about any of this?

Yes, tell your girlfriend's Betrayed Husband. He has every right to know the truth, just as your BW does.

And get tested for STDs. Your girlfriend is a cheater and every cheater lies about EVERYTHING.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Originally Posted By: joey123
I truly am in love with her.


This is a lie. A man who truly loved a woman would not degrade her and treat her like a PIG. You acted like PIGS together, that is not "love." That is raw, selfish, unloving barnyard LUST. If you truly love someone you don't help them degrade themselves for your own selfish intents, you help them be the best they can be.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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joey123 Offline OP
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I did not come here for sympathy. I know I messed up and am trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I have disrespected her, as well as been disrespected. Telling her husband isn't easy as just calling and telling him. Or maybe it is. I don't know. How do I break something like this to the BS?

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Just tell her it's over. Tell her you are NOT going to be the one that ruins a marriage and a life and it's over. Ignore all further contact from her. Change your job if necessary or ask for a transfer. Do anything you can. Tell her she can contact you again once her divorce is FINAL, not something she thinks about.

And STICK to it! It's time to step up and be a real man now.


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Yes, it IS as easy as calling him and telling him. If I were you I wouldn't WANT to see him face to face. He has every reason to be angry, so...


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted By: joey123
I did not come here for sympathy. I know I messed up and am trying to figure out how to handle this. I know I have disrespected her, as well as been disrespected. Telling her husband isn't easy as just calling and telling him. Or maybe it is. I don't know. How do I break something like this to the BS?


Call the man up and tell him. Tell him you are damn sorry and give him the full truth. He will be in shock, so ask him to write down your phone # and call you with follow up questions.

That will go along way in redeeming your honor, Joey. And your soul... We all make mistakes, but we demomstrate the strength of our character in how we right those wrongs. This is the only way you can make this right. Call the man, tell him the truth and then pledge to never ever contact this woman again.

How you handle this will define the kind of man you really are, Joey.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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joey123 Offline OP
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OK, so I will find out how to reach him and call him. Now, how should I handle this with her? Should I give her the chance to tell him first? Or just do it without letting her know? The route I want to take is the "Either you're going to tell him or I'm going to tell him" route. Thoughts?

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Do it without letting her know. She could spin it to her husband that you're a crazy loon if you tell her.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted By: joey123
OK, so I will find out how to reach him and call him. Now, how should I handle this with her? Should I give her the chance to tell him first? Or just do it without letting her know? The route I want to take is the "Either you're going to tell him or I'm going to tell him" route. Thoughts?


Just tell him. She's a WW and likely to CONTINUE lying to him.

Look at the bright(?) side - he might dump her for her adultery, and that D's she's been stringing you along about might actually happen.


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Originally Posted By: karmasrose
Do it without letting her know. She could spin it to her husband that you're a crazy loon if you tell her.


Agreed. Tell her it's over. Then tell her husband. And then leave them alone and stay out of their lives permanently.


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Originally Posted By: joey123
OK, so I will find out how to reach him and call him. Now, how should I handle this with her? Should I give her the chance to tell him first? Or just do it without letting her know? The route I want to take is the "Either you're going to tell him or I'm going to tell him" route. Thoughts?


Blackmail is about the worst way to handle it and will just complicate things and likely result in him not finding out. Just call the man up and tell him. Don't complicate this, son.

When you are finished, send her an email telling her to never contact you again or you will be forwarding the email to her husband. cc her H on that email.

That is the most effective way to handle it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. whatever you do, don't talk to her again. The last thing she should hear from you is an email telling her ot never contact you again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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She won't tell her BH in a million years. She will, however, lie to you some more and just say she did to get your off her back about it.

Please listen to the others here. Be a man and inform her BH. He has a right to know. Then get out of both their lives permanently.

And as I mentioned earlier - what about your Betrayed Wife? Did you get a divorce? Does she know about your adultery? She has a right to know, too, even if you are divorced now, so she can protect herself from STDs.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Reclaim your honor, Joey.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Joey, I am a FWW, and I agree that you just need to tell him. Then cease all contact with her forever. I am not sure if you still work in a situation where you might have to have contact with her, but find another job if you have to.

I am ashamed to say this, but they are right about this WW. I had an A with a single man, and though I wouldn't admit it at the time, I DID want to have them each "waiting in the wings" until I got up the nerve to have one or the other. It was sick. In my case, the A ended. And though he was scum for doing a married woman, I will say that him refusing contact with me was a help to my marital recovery.

So if you want to do the right thing, tell the husband, end all contact with WW - there is no need for a big goodbye, just drop it. And if you had any type of involvement with this woman before your divorce was final, you need to tell your ex-wife.

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Originally Posted By: joey123
OK, so I will find out how to reach him and call him. Now, how should I handle this with her? Should I give her the chance to tell him first? Or just do it without letting her know? The route I want to take is the "Either you're going to tell him or I'm going to tell him" route. Thoughts?


The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Therefore, call him directly. She is not needed as a messenger nor as an interpreter.

If you are serious about ending it -- and taking the first of many steps in order to restore some semblance of character and integrity -- you will call him directly and tell him everything he needs to know.

TB



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