It would be a lot easier for you to end this when you begin realizing that you are in love with a FANTASY....she is a LIAR. You only know things about her that a.) she wanted you to know and b.) she made up.

You've had a long-distance A...how much do you really "know" about her? Only what she allowed you to know; she covered up the really ugly parts and hid them from you. Although now you know she is a lying, cheating tr*mp...and you think you "love" that?

She is not who she claims to be...ask any FWS around here; they will tell you they reinvented themselves during their A and were not their true selves.

The sooner you "get" this the sooner you will be able to move on and hopefully find true love.

1. Yes, he will be devastated. You can't believe anything your MOW told you about him. You can't take responsibility for anything he does with the information.

2. DON'T WAIT. Waiting is self-serving baloney, hoping you can somehow have the whole thing disappear without having to face any consequences. That BH needs to know now, today, this minute.

3. You don't love her. You lust her, and you love your own feelings when you're around her. True love uplifts, and adultery only degrades.

4. Just in case you missed it the first time...
DON'T WAIT!!!!!!

How do you know this? Because your affair partner told you? I though her marriage was ending as well? Waywards lie to their spouses AND their affair partners. Many BS's here have been portrayed as the villain to justify continuing their affair. You think she might have told you that to manipulate you into not telling him? Duh.


Delaying things and getting cold feet is EXACTLY what you are doing. This is just another excuse to procrastinate. You are not going to get fired. Trust us, there are many of us who have tried to get the OM/OW fired and it just doesn't happen unless one is the other's boss, and even then it rarely happens. DO IT NOW.


You don't love her. I don't think you understand what true love is. True love is not the high of a new relationship, the good feeling you get when your needs are met. That is infatuation. Affairs are just an addiction of getting your needs met outside your marriage. You don't even know this person, other than she's a cheater. She just puts on a good face for you. You don't have to deal with her negatives, her husband does. Once you separate yourself from this woman and get through withdrawal you will feel entirely different about her and see her for who she truly is, I promise. There are many former wayward spouses here that will tell you the same.

You have taken the first step by coming here. Now you need to finish the job.

Guilty!


If you haven't done it already it's not obvious.


Who cares?



You don't have the right to love her!

Joey,

I don't hate you. I don't like you very much, but I don't hate you.

I also don't believe that you cannot lift yourself up out of this mess you created.

I'm going to tell you, you DON'T truly love this woman. No TRUE love allows the object of their love to degrade and willingly damn/damage themselves.

Your stolemeat is just that...stolen. You've stolen from her husband and her children. You steal from them every time you talk to her and through every sneak-thief actions you two do to see each other. Every time she glances your direction is TIME and affection that YOU steal from her family. HER FAMILY.

And she doesn't love you. What kind of woman who really loves a man would deign to let him become a sneak-thief for her?

There is no real love here. Just damage. You two are rutting bulls in the china shop of her family's life...you are ruining good people for hormones.

Real humans don't willingly and knowingly cause harm to each other.

Human up dude. You can be better than that. When you do, you'll probably find yourself a worthy man for someone WORTHY.

If I could follow you around with a poker until you do this, I would. I wasted time four years ago. DON'T put it off.

Because you are a foggy OM with poor boundaries. Integrity and Stand-up-guy-ness will come as you learn more about how to build strong boundaries and respect for marriage.

I doubt that anything you tell him will drive him to harm himself. I also doubt that his emotional state is anything like what she's painted it out to be. Remember, she had to come up with a little creative fiction in order to justify her affair. I suspect one of those fictions was her BH's emotional state.

No no no. Don't even go there. TODAY is your day, Joey. TODAY. Don't screw around and get sucked back into the vortex.

You think that was love? Wait til you really find your special person!



Cojones. Get them. Do what you need to do. You think it's going to be easier tomorrow, or the next day, or the next?

Good on ya. Don't even worry about that right now.

Oh, and Joey? STOP TALKING TO HER!! Every contact is just another fix for your addiction!

This is all the more reason to tell him the truth. If he knows he can protect himself from you and his wife. It is a little too late to start professing "concern" about his best interest. If he hurts himself it will be because he was screwed over by you and his wife.

Regardless, he has a right and a need to know. It harms him not knowing what is being done behind his back.

Nor do I think you should wait a day. There is no reason to wait. No matter when you do it, there may be consequences.


Feelings are not truth, though. Your "love" is demonstrated through your actions, not your feelings. And your actions bely your true feelings towards her. That is NOT LOVE what you have done to her and with her.



One does not have to have been betrayed to despise adulterers. Anger at injustice and cruelty is the reaction of DECENT people. It is a sign of decency. For example, I have never been murdered, but I despise murder and murderers.

What I do respect, though, is someone who is willing to ADMIT their wrongs and make them right. THAT is a sign of character. And I we will see through your ACTIONS if you have that. I am starting to have my doubts after reading some of your comments about DELAYING telling the BH. There is no reason to delay this other than a ploy to avoid consequences. Avoiding consequences is not a good sign.

I think you did the right thing in coming here and getting honest, but I disagree with others that it "takes great courage" to come here and post about this. It takes no courage at all to post anonymously on an anonymous board. It does take great courage to face the people you have wronged and offer to right those wrongs. I hope you DO show great courage in making this right. The jury is still out...

Poor Joey...

You do realize she's changing jobs to get away from YOU.

All of the sudden...she's leaving in two or three weeks when you didn't even know she was job hunting.

Hope you aren't considering this exposure nice guy route as an attempt to SAVE the already ending affair.

Is she pulling away from you and you don't like it?

Hope I'm wrong about you and you actually have good intentions but either way...it appears to be over regardless of what you do.

The sooner YOU end this the better as you'll be relating and retelling this debacle/mistake the rest of your life. Might as well have the story you tell end well with YOU being the one to end it, YOU being the one to expose it, YOU being the one willing to accept whatever consequences come your way and YOU being the one that FINALLY did the right thing rather than you sheepishly tiptoeing away.

What do you want YOUR LIFE STORY to be?

Mr. Wondering

No argument here.
You can change this by doing what you know is right, and doing it now.

You have NO idea how cruel you are continuing to be towards this BH.

Adultery is about selfishness, every man out for himself, his/her own feelings, without giving a crap about anyone else.

Go back and read your last post Joey, you are concerned for own well being, at the EXPENSE of a BETRAYED HUSBAND.
You are scared of the repercussions, unbelievable when you consider what hell lies ahead of your victim in all of this.

Tell the poor man now, and figure your own stuff out after that.
I guarantee you, that you will feel better after telling the truth.

Lies make us sick, lies destroy us.

You have no right to love this woman, you have no right to steal a married woman from her H.

Would you steal a child from a father?

Step up to the plate Joey.

I might like you a lot. I simply don't like what you are doing, nor do I like the continuing justification, excuses, whatever.

Separate the two and stop feeling sorry for your self. If you feel bad about what you've done, what you are doing, THEN STOP.

Sometimes, it's really that simple.
I'll believe it's obvious when you actually do it.
Excuse, you and the MOW live is separate states and you had the time and treasure to see her, so give him the courtesy of looking him in the eye when you tell him what you've done.

Stop with the excuses.
It can be as easy or as hard as you want it to be. Change your numbers, get new e-mail, block her e-mails. (Filters that send them to trash immediately, etc.)

What's hard it seems is for you to grow a pair and do what is right. Once you decide to do that, the rest will fall into place, I'm confident.

Stop with the excuses and start producing results.
I'll approach this two ways. Think logically for a moment. If this were true, would she be having an affair with you? Knowing he's dangerous.

Second, if this is how she treats someone who is knowingly like this, what does that say about her character? What does it say about her concern for those she has vowed to love? It doesn't paint a very pretty picture of her.

Either she has bad judgment, or is plain selfish. Are those qualities you find endearing?

The third possibility is that she's lying.

None of these are signs she's a good partner.

END IT NOW.
Excuses, you can cut it off without drama from your end. Simply stop calling, stop answering the phone, stop reading her e-mails.

If she creates drama, then let her suffer the consequences of her decision to create drama.
Maybe you do, maybe you don't. My money is you don't really understand what love is about. Why do I say that? Because if you understood love, you wouldn't have been spending time with her, but actually working on your own marriage.

Likewise, if you understood love, you would have recognized that what she was doing to her husband was NOT a loving act.

The mere fact that she admitted she was going to counseling only to say she had done everything is a big red flag. She was doing it to make herself look good. That's not a Disrespectful Judgment, it's what she said in her own words. She wants to be able to say she tried everything. She was saving face.

More excuses. I can't tell you when to end it. I do know that bad news doesn't get any better with age. Neither do affairs.

At the very least, make arrangements to see her husband, face to face, at the earliest possible time. This weekend if you can.

I'll believe it when I see it. How long until there are more excuses not to follow up on what you've learned about yourself.

There is no better time to start doing the right thing than right now.

Until you do that, I'll not be convinced you really get it.

Joey,
Follow the advice given to you on this forum. It is coming from rational people with life experiance.

My advice is coming from the BH standpoint.
If my WWs OM had called me and told me about the A I would have been devastated, but that would pass, and did. I can say that once the shock wore off that I would have had some respect for the OM (you) for doing what is right.

My WW is still wayward, as is your MOW. Once you call your BH, this will end your A. Be sure to change you contact info, but give your BH your email and/or phone number. He will have many questions for you that you will have to answer honestly. I can't tell you how far this will go towards healing for your BH,

You say that you don't want to hurt them. So help them, trust me, if I knew exactly what my WW was doing/did, it would go along way towards rebuilding our marriage (trust), and my own peace of mind. You see, I have never really believed that she fully confessed to her affairs and I have held that over her head for the past 5 years.

Follow the feeling that brought you to this forum and start your thread. Now call your BH. Be the man you are trying to be, the man your mother thinks you are.

I stand by my life's rule, "Look around you. If no one else is standing up and doing the right thing, then it's up to YOU."

Do not have this confrontation in person. There is too much potential for a bad outcome involving law enforcement.

Call him. Now.

She most likely already has another new affair partner all set up in the new location.....please do THE RIGHT THING HERE....stop thinking of yourself (that is what you are doing still) and call the Husband today....and then ask God to forgive you for this horrible sin you have committed....JUST DO IT!

Thanks; the advice didn't originate with me, though. It came from a far more Brilliant Mind. (Not that I think that's news. But apparently the whole idea is news to some people..)

Hooray!! I'm so glad you realize this!


Adultery is somewhat like a mental virus. It does what it needs to do in order to survive and keep hold on the hosts it has infected (you and this woman). One of its defense mechanisms is to turn one or both of you into complete liars. You need to understand that she vowed to be faithful to her husband and then turned that into a lie. Therefore everything she says is likely to be a lie.

Do you see how, if adultery was a creature that wanted to stay alive, it could help itself stay alive longer by getting its female host to lie to you and say her husband gets emotional and might hurt himself?

You've got a virus in your mind. You are in the right place to get it out. Going to need to get away from the carrier to make that work. Don't listen to anything she's said that makes you less likely to follow this plan here.

By the way, I've been reading this site intently for only 3 months, and I've already seen at least 10 adulteries where an adulterer told his "partner" that his wife was instable, emotional, might do something drastic, might hurt herself, etc. It happens ALL THE TIME. The virus does nearly the exact same thing nearly every time it infects someone.

Awesome, Joey! Way to be a real man!!

I agree Markos. Way to go Joey.

FTR: I have dear, dear, dear friends who were once wayward (not to mention a Wookie). What they did does not define them. It is how they made things right that does.