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Joey

1) my DH's family told me to leave my DH when he was having his affair. They told me he had made his choice, that they wouldnt take sides, that they wanted him to be happy. 2 years later he is happy...with me. His wife. I dont think they are overly depressed from not ever getting to really get to know PQ (his OW)

2) the stats for a successful relationship between you and your married woman...less than 1% that your together after 6 years. Only about 3% your even together after 2 years.

Worth losing your integrity over?

affair relationships

Last edited by lildoggie; 05/05/10 04:40 PM. Reason: correcting stats, adding link

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joey, my grandmother had an expression that will fit here....

Stop talking from both sides of your mouth.

Forget this woman who USED you.

Do the right thing and call her DH today.

Have no contact from this moment on. Block your phone.

Who cares you FB'd her brother or that her family supports you. Guess she had the upbringing that brought her to this place.

No more excuses


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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Originally Posted by joey123
As far as I know she does not post here. Something I failed to mention (which I guess gives me hope, or maybe false hope)

It doesn't matter if it's false hope or real hope. It's WRONG hope.

twoxfour

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is her Brother is very supportive of us. She is very close with her Brother and has told him a lot about us. I've never met him, but I have sent him messages on Facebook. This was about a month ago. I basically told him I care a lot about his Sister and I hope he doesn't think bad of me. His response was he supports us and knows she isn't happy and has heard a lot of great things about me. Her parents know I exist. They don't know the extent of us, but they know she has feelings for me. I know, just makes the whole thing even that more messed up when family is supporting her.

Yeah, who would want those scumbags as inlaws!

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I know this will open me up to more criticizing, but I want to be as honest with all of you as I can.

My criticism is for them.

I will only criticize you if you think the above info makes any difference at all as to what you should do.

You don't believe it makes a difference, do you? I surely hope not.

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One minute I get this hope built up in my mind that she will leave him and we'll start this fantastic life together.

It would still be wrong, though, wouldn't it?

Look, are you ending this because you want to do the right thing, or because you think it won't work? There is a difference.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by joey123
She is very close with her Brother and has told him a lot about us. I've never met him, but I have sent him messages on Facebook. This was about a month ago. I basically told him I care a lot about his Sister and I hope he doesn't think bad of me.

What a great guy. crazy I guess he just wants her to be "happy," right? I suppose we should feel fortunate she is not a serial killer with non-caring, enabling scumbag family members like this because they would be blowing her off with inanities like "we just want her to be happy!" sick


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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A couple more quotes from another BH:

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I still don't know what to do. This is going to ruin everything as I will have to sell the house we reno'd which is the house I grew up in and always wanted to live in etc. the kids will be screwed up...and probably end up hating her, I will probably end up hating her...its starting to feel that way sometimes already...I can't stop crying about this whole sit. it seems so surreal...if you were to ask anyone from our school days who would be likely to still be together in 80 years they would all say me and WW. I can't believe this is happening...I sometimes wonder what next...all I have left to lose in life is my sister, kids and myself.

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I just wish i would wake up from this horrible nightmare.

You have already caused another man this kind of pain. Every minute that you don't tell him what happened and then STAY OUT OF HIS MARRIAGE makes it that much worse.

Call now.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by joey123
She is very close with her Brother and has told him a lot about us. I've never met him, but I have sent him messages on Facebook. This was about a month ago. I basically told him I care a lot about his Sister and I hope he doesn't think bad of me.

What a great guy. crazy I guess he just wants her to be "happy," right? I suppose we should feel fortunate she is not a serial killer with non-caring, enabling scumbag family members like this because they would be blowing her off with inanities like "we just want her to be happy!" sick

Yep. My Idiot XBL was very helpful and supportive of Wayzilla too. Of course he was in an adulterous relationship with a MOW at the same time so he had all kinds of tips and secrets of the trade for Wayzilla.


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"we just want her to be happy!"
A direct quote of my XMIL.


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I may have missed it but does your MOW have kids?

If she does, even more reason to give up the fantasy that you'll live 'happily ever after'. You've just destroyed their family and when they realize it they will despise you.

Whether she has kids or not, you call her BH because it is the right thing to do.

Don't THINK about it - your foggy mind got you into this mess to begin with.

Just pick up the phone and dial the number.

Squash the lying voices in your head that are telling you it can work out with her.

They're telling you "She's the one" "You'll never love anyone like her" "You can make it work". Deep down you know these are lies. Admitting that to yourself and calling the BH is the only way to get her out of your life.

So do it.... NOW

There are other women out there, women you can love freely, women you can build an amazing marriage with based on love and care and a desire to lift one another up and inspire one another to be better. Right now what you have is two children, sneaking around, lying and dragging each other through the mud. It isn't beautiful and it isn't love - polish a turd all you want... guess what it still is...

I know I'm one voice among many but please, do what's right.


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She does not have any children, thank goodnes. Neither do I. Everything everyone has said makes perfect sense, and believe it or not it does get through to me and makes me want to do the right thing more and more. I wish I could tell all of you that I will be making a call later today, but I don't think that will happen. I think in time it will though. As bad as this sounds, I need to prepare myself from not speaking to or seeing her ever again. Although I am half of a disgusting situation and a bad person (not trying for sympathy points here) I need to know in my mind that I can handle all that comes with me coming clean on everything. I am already extremely depressed about everything. Not just because I feel like I'm losing someone I care about, but more so because I know that my horrible actions are going to cause someone an extreme amount of pain. Once this happens it will make me even more depressed and I need to know that I will be able to handle that. I need to know that I will be able to hear her husband on the other line and know how I am going to handle telling him all of these horrible things.

I know at the moment I am scared and delaying what needs to be done. I know I need to grow a pair. Trust me when I say I am working towards that. Unfortunately I'm the kind of person that needs to sit on things (no matter what it is) before I actually do something. I need to get things clear and straight in my mind before I make this painful call. I know in my mind I will eventually make this call, just not today. And I know I'm being even more of a horrible person for not doing this already and dragging it out even a day longer...

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Originally Posted by joey123
I am already extremely depressed about everything. Not just because I feel like I'm losing someone I care about, but more so because I know that my horrible actions are going to cause someone an extreme amount of pain.

Joey,
her BH is ALREADY IN PAIN. He has NO idea why his loving, caring wife has become so mean and cruel towards him, why he can do NOTHING that makes her happy.

You telling him the TRUTH will be like a lightbulb going off for him. Yes he will hurt from the knowledge... you know what? When I found out about my DH's A I was so angry to think that everyone else but me knew...like they were laughing at me behind my back!

Right now there is someone is his marriage he doesnt know about, and certainly never agreed to have be a part of it. Everytime he has sex with his wife, he is having sex with YOU!

and vies versa

TELL HIM


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Joey,

my horrible actions are going to cause someone an extreme amount of pain

For goodness sakes help that guy out before he has children with that woman, or has your children with him, direct him to this website.

When I asked my wife 20 years after her affair if she ever felt the same sexually for me as she did pre-affair, and she said nothing the silence was deafining. These issues do not just go away they continue to pay dividends for years.

Gamma


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Joey-You have already done wrong to this man. You need to make it RIGHT. The only way to do that is to tell him and to stop talking to HER.

I don't know if you have read much of the free info on here. You will see that what you feel for her is like an addict with a drug. That's why you don't want to give it up. You are terribly addicted. And just like a drug, this affair is doing you no good. That's why you feel this way. You need to make it right. Do it NOW. Save yourself, your affair partner and her BH any more pain. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can begin to recover yourself.

You can do this.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

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? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Originally Posted by joey123
I know at the moment I am scared and delaying what needs to be done. I know I need to grow a pair. Trust me when I say I am working towards that.

Joey, courage is a decision you CHOOSE, not something you work towards. You are at a fork in the road and you have the power to choose. Growing a pair is not a process, it is a daily CHOICE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Joey, you will never be "prepared" to end it. You have to ignore every feeling you have, and just jump off the cliff. Trust me on this, if you wait until your feelings are in line, it will never happen. It's like I tell me students, the reason you do the right thing is BECAUSE it's the right thing.

When I told OM I was going to tell my H (which I don't recommend talking to her again - ever), I didn't FEEL like it. I felt sick, like part of my life was ending. But something in me knew I was at a crossroads. I had this small window during which I could do what was right, or part of my life was going to be over.

Don't say you need time. You really don't. You just need to do it.

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Originally Posted by joey123
Not just because I feel like I'm losing someone I care about, but more so because I know that my horrible actions are going to cause someone an extreme amount of pain.

This is an EXCUSE to avoid doing the right thing. You have already hurt the man, this is only about telling the truth to your victim.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by joey123
I know at the moment I am scared and delaying what needs to be done.

Joey,

I'm gonna give it to you straight. Life sucks sometimes. It does. I am a BH and lots of folks here know my story. I'm not happy with some of the things that have dropped into my lap, but that's life. And throughout my journey, sometimes I wonder which path to take. Sometimes I don't want to take a certain path, because IT'S TOO DAMN HARD. Sometimes, Joey, I want to sit and ponder. Folks here can vouch for my outstanding ability to ponder, mull, and debate.

I get through it, though. You want to know one tool that helps me get through it? My moral compass. It is my ability to boil down decisions to whether they are right or whether they are wrong. Is an action something of which I would be PROUD? Am I building CHARACTER as a result of this potential action?

Do you think it was easy for me to call OM and ask him what his intentions were with my W? Do you think it was easy dialing that phone when I KNEW Skatt would find out and come at me with EVERY WEAPON in her arsenal? Of course not. It was a bear. It was the right thing to do, though, Joey. Once I knew that fact, and once I truly accepted it, I was on my way. No looking back.

Joey, we all want to be considered decent people who have integrity, dignity, honor and character. Sure, you screwed up. I have screwed up in the past, and I will screw up in the future. Can I learn from my mistakes? Can I turn a negative into a positive? You see, THAT is how I view situations and scenarios. THAT is how I view LIFE.

You don't need to mull anymore, Joey. Just call him. You don't have to carry that burden any longer. You can turn YOUR negative into a positive. You see, by telling him, you are DOING THE RIGHT THING. And that alone, demonstrates character. The more difficult the task at hand, the more integrity you will restore. You know it's the right thing to do. So what if it's hard. Walk a day in my shoes, or countless other folks around here, Joey. Now THAT would be hard. That, my friend, is harder than you ever want to know.

Just call.

TB



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Originally Posted by joey123
I wish I could tell all of you that I will be making a call later today, but I don't think that will happen. I think in time it will though. As bad as this sounds, I need to prepare myself from not speaking to or seeing her ever again.

That's called being a jerk. Nobody cares what you need until your victim's needs are cared for, and neither should you.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Let me put it to you this way.

The victims of rape and the victims of infidelity have said the infidelity is worse.

Those who have lost a child and experienced infidelity have said the infidelity is worse.

What you are doing is emotional RAPE to this man. What you are doing is the emotional equivalent of MURDERING his child.

This is based on what people WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT have said. This is not hyperbole.

What would you do if someone came up to you and said:
"I'm raping this girl, and I just don't know if I can stop - I love it too much. I don't think I'm ready to stop yet, I need to think about it."

What would you say? Oh think about it a while, maybe you can convince yourself to stop tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Maybe if you think about it for a while you'll get up the courage to do it.

Is that what you would say?

Waiting prolongs the RAPE you are committing of this man - to make yourself feel better.

NOTHING justifies that.


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or...you're just a troll that made up this whole story.


Until you actually do something...don't say "trust me" again, because I/we don't.

You are supposedly a self-confessed liar and adulterer...why should we or ANYONE trust you?

Seriously...think about it.

Why should ANYONE ever trust you again?

What makes people trustworthy?

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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As we say in Texas, money talks and bull**it walks. So far this is only TALK. Empty talk backed up by nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MrWondering
or...you're just a troll that made up this whole story.

Hmmm. The troll angle is one that initially escaped me, but Mr. W could be onto something....

TB







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